Fonzipan

But Cashmere Is So Hard to Clean...

2012-01-23T08:38:00.000-08:00

I'm all for having things feel nice down by my lady bits, but a pair of cashmere undies seems less than desirable. Swampy, even. Do you wear undies under these undies? How do you keep them, you know, clean? They have a cotton gusset, so maybe they aren't SO bad? (PS... that's one of my favorite words... "gusset." Just thinking that someone at sometime in lingerie history came up with a word to describe that piece of your underwear that sits on your hooch, and then made it sound like the skeeviest, most onomatopoetic word in history delights me to no end. GUSSET.) Is this a wool fetish thing? Is it a hipster thing? Judging by the other items in the Etsy shop... I'm thinking it's a hipster thing. Which annoys me all the more, and just proves that I'm getting to be a super crabby old lady, alienated by today's annoying youth. Except hipsters aren't so young. What the fuck is the deal, hipsters? Why do you always dress so ironically? Why do you look so destitute, yet have the best electronic devices available on the market? What the fuck is the deal with Bon Iver? Why are you always barefoot? Why are you always roaming around in packs? Are you homeless? Are you all living (read: squatting) in some sort of supergreen (filthy) upcycled (abandoned) community property (warehouse) by the docks?

OH WAIT I THINK YOU ARE

Stay off my lawn, you dirty-footed circus people.

You Know Why I Smile A Lot? Because It's Worth It.

2011-12-31T08:29:00.000-08:00

You may already know about these. I found the first one about a month or two ago and I have been quoting them both ever since. I think they're a pretty good note on which to bring 2011 to a close. Happy New Year!

Little Things Delight Me.

2011-12-29T10:33:00.000-08:00

Original (well. Of the 2nd half of the next video):

These kids A Capella version:

Come on. I love it. I love it so much it makes me giggle and squee like a prize idiot.

We're Excellent Bartenders.

2011-11-28T13:05:00.001-08:00

Left to our own devices, my co-worker Raf and I can come up with several hijinks. Everything from Office Squash with a mini Nerf Football to doing Charlie Brown dances to the "Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown" soundtrack, Rafael is a master of entertaining me. Our latest? Making new drinks.

Behold the birth of the Smelly Irishman:

BIRV: 1oz Irish Whiskey, pint of Guinness and the sweat of a New York (Chicago is acceptable) Police officer, shaken in a wet fisherman's sweater. Pour, garnish with 3 lucky charms and the hair of an Irish Setter. Serve.

RAF: 1 oz. Irish Cream

1 Boiled potato
2 leprechaun farts
2 oz. Irish Whiskey
1 steamed cabbage leaf
4 oz. Guinness
1oz. McDonald’s Shamrock Shake
2 oz. corned beef
Blend or shake in a 16 oz. tumbler (this can only be done by a red haired Irishman to be considered a true “Smelly Irishman”) Lift glass…Scream out “O' be jaysus” while shaking your fist…chug and slam! You have now been graced with a Smelly Irishman! oh yeah, add a pinch of salt!

My Dog's Involvement in the Russian Mafia.

2011-11-11T14:00:00.001-08:00

Daisy had a business trip to Volgograd, and she wanted to take a side trip. She met a Dancing Bear, Geoff, during her stint in the circus as a tightrope walker and part-time clown, and when Geoff was forced to retire after an ugly incident involving the trapeze artist, the bearded lady, and the cotton candy machine, he moved back to take care of his dead grandmother’s “roommate” (everyone Geoff knew always thought it was her lover, but no one would come clean on the issue) in small-town Russia. Sadly, Daisy got snowed in at Geoff’s dead granny’s lover’s house in Frolovo, and the truck in the front yard never worked. No one knows why they decided to keep it… only that there must be some sort of happy memory involved. In order to make it through the deep snow, Geoff gave Daisy his granny’s old hunting cap and a couple pairs of her boots; despite Maria’s protests. Geoff let Daisy know that the old girl was getting on in years and her memory was terrible anyway, so after a few hours, she wouldn’t miss them.
Geoff was able to contact a friend of a friend, Steven, who had a snowmobile, and was willing to take Daisy back to Volograd, so that she could make her 4 pm meeting. Daisy doesn’t really like to talk about that snowmobile ride, so I think something must’ve happened with Steven, but she won’t tell me what. All she’ll say is she made it in time, and not to worry about it.

This App Is Already On My Phone.

2011-10-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

I'd Like to Kick Yesterday In the Gooch For You.

2011-09-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

I dedicate this post to you, AlsoBeth. However, I'm an emotional misfit, and I have no great words of wisdom to make what happened not suck.

With that being said, I give you this picture of a really tiny monkey.

You're #1 in my book!!!

What Is Wrong With People?

2011-09-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

WHY DO I KEEP FINDING THINGS THAT TERRIFY ME????

I found the video above a couple of months ago... and I have been sharing it with everyone, because I am convinced that it's like The Ring- if I don't share it, I WILL BE KILLED BY THE SCARY BABY FACE.
NOW I Am Your Grandma has been replaced by a new terror... Going To The Store. Thanks a lot, world!

YOU GUYS.

2011-09-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

snow globe pictures

Bully Target.

2011-09-07T09:27:00.000-07:00

Is Martha Stewart running out of ideas or something? I have this mental image of Martha, finally out of ideas for Good Things after all these years, huddled into the corner of her root cellar, rocking back and forth amidst hundreds of jars of hand-crafted preserves and carefully, beautifully tied bundles of dried herbs from her own garden, weeping softly, praying to the crafty gods for ONE MORE IDEA.

And then they give her this.

You know why this little girl looks so unhappy? Because Martha Stewart pinned a stupid penny to her sweet-ass corduroy jacket.

Who the hell would make this for their kid?? This isn't a clever craft!

Normally, I look at Martha Stewart crafts like this....

...and say "Wow... that looks like she bought that. Mine would look like I cut off a cow's tail and strapped it around my middle." Then I feel all shitty about myself and my crafting ability and go make a picture with Elmer's Glue and an assload of glitter. (The more glitter you use, the less shame you feel!!)

But that penny ribbon pin? WTF? Thanks for leveling the playing field, Martha. If you need me, I'll be bedazzling Darth Vader's head on a t-shirt.

AHEM.

Yep. This toy pretty much sucks.

2011-08-31T10:57:00.001-07:00

I See What You're Doing.

2011-08-23T15:35:00.000-07:00

I need your help, guys. I'm pretty sure AlsoBeth is trying to kill me. First, she sent me the picture above over the weekend, changing my peaceful Saturday afternoon into a riot of tears and hiding in the closet.

Now, she sends me an email with this link, with this seemingly benign comment: "a little something to brighten??? your day."

WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU??!?!?!?! Here's a sampling of what she sent me...

Normally the scariest dolls to me are the ones that are unmanipulated; inherently scary by their very design, like that goddamned stoma doll in the middle there. BFF's big-eye dolls, her Blythe collection, scares the crap out of me. They seem like they know something. Like maybe where the knives are kept downstairs. However, I have to add that last one to the list of dolls that will haunt me forever. What are those teeth from? Is this some sort of cannibal baby?

I'm unsure as to AlsoBeth's motives for terrorizing me, but I have a theory. I think she wants to establish Total Beth Dominance. Maybe it's like that movie Highlander, and she'll absorb all my knowledge by destroying me. I'll have the last laugh if that's the case... all she'll be adding to her brain arsenal is an unhealthy amount of Big Lebowski quotes and a carnival organ song playing on a constant loop in her head.

School Time

2011-08-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

We (meaning me) like to educate here at Fonzipan. Knowledge is power. So this post goes out to Big Bro and Sissy.

Furries:

Furbies:

Once more.

Furries:

Furbies:

This is why I'm afraid of mascots. ALSO... why I refuse to rent costumes.

Maybe It's Her Eternally Smug Face.

2011-08-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

Image from the Gothamist.

As salty as I usually am, it's very rare when I actually, truly dislike someone. I can usually find a redeeming feature in everyone that I meet.

EXCEPT FOR GWYNETH PALTROW. I viscerally dislike her, from her stupid macro-biotic lifestyle to her smug sense of superiority because she lives in Britain. I hate that she tries to market herself as an accessible person, when in reality she is so far out of touch with reality she may as well be talking about how to sautee dinosaur eggs on her stupid GOOP website... and no one calls her out on this. Why does everyone, including blogs that claim to hate her, go along with her batshit crazy? Oh, of course I'll just hop on out and pick up that $2,500 bag, because you like it. Then I'll hop on my pegasus and meet you in the super-secret cloud castle that only us truly chic people know about. We can lunch on intergalactic wedge salad and gold-dusted crackers. Gluten-free... natch. MEKMEKMEKMEKMEK!

Listen, New York Magazine, don't pander to that "golly gee whillakers, we hate her because we want to BE her." All you're doing is shoving your nose up her skirt while trying to sound snarky. I don't hate Gwyneth Paltrow because she's "thin and beautiful", or because she's "smart and educated." I hate her because she openly, proudly claims that she is an overprivileged twat that does nothing for humanity, and then has the nerve to say "fuck the haters!" when people dare to critique her public website.

Ugh. She just makes me want to punch her in the kneecaps. With a baseball bat.

Then I read this on People.com. The gist is below.

Gwyneth Paltrow Saved a Life on Sept. 11

Lara Lundstrom Clarke believes her life was saved by a chance encounter with the actress on Sept. 11, 2001, according to The Morton Report.
Clarke was rushing to get to work at the Twin Towers in New York City when she jaywalked in order to get to the subway station. As she crossed 7th Avenue, a Mercedes SUV came barreling toward her.

Both Clarke and the car stopped in their tracks, and as the driver waved her across she realized it was Paltrow behind the wheel. The near-collision caused Clarke to miss her train, and by the time she got to work, the first plane had hit the World Trade Center.

When contacted by The Morton Report, Paltrow's publicist Stephen Huvane confirmed the accuracy of the incident and added that Paltrow, 38, was "deeply moved" by the story.

What an asshole. Not only are you called out for being a dick driver that almost hits pedestrians, but you have the nerve to be proud of it?

Fuck you. Fuck you and your bizarre Marie Antoinette "Let them eat cake" redux of a viewpoint on life.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go kick puppies and push over old people and tell people it cured cancer.

You're Only As Old As You Feel

2011-08-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

I feel pretty fucking old.

2011 marks the 20th (!) anniversary of Lollapalooza, or Lollapallopla, as Sissy likes to call it. I remember raging against my mother for not allowing me to go in 1992, not speaking to her for days. Yes, I was a moody, sullen grungey teenager. Big brother went, and like a good big brother, he brought me my cherished Pearl Jam tshirt. After presenting a 10-point argument about why I should be allowed to go, and assuring her that her fears that crowd-surfing would lead to me being carried off by a group of men to be gang-raped were ~~bat-shit crazy~~ irrational, my mom finally relented in 1993... perhaps out of sheer exhaustion. My best friend at the time and I convinced her parents to take us (former flower children, it really wasn't all that hard). While the lineup wasn't as great as the year before, my first concert of MY chosen music style rocked, and rocked hard.

Oh, New World Music Theater in Tinley Park... I knew you well! I slid down your impromptu lawn-seat mudslide, I moshed in you, I raged in you... all at the tender age of 14.

I'm not 14 anymore. I'm all grown up. So's Lollapalooza.

While I was a hearty concert-goer and have attended MANY concerts since that first show, I never got a chance to go back to Lolla, until this year. I knew it had become a Chicago institution in the past few years, but I just... eh. Hated people for a while, I guess. I avoided the Loop at all costs during the show dates, so I didn't really know what it has grown into.

What the hell happened to that crazy little traveling show?! It's HUUUUUUUGE. 90,000 people a day, this behemoth takes up the same amount of ground space that the Taste of Chicago does. It's surprisingly well-organized. The Port-a-Potties (and y'all know how I feel about public bathrooms) were... decent... the drinks were cheapish, the stage times were well thought out.

I decided to go again this year when I saw that Deadmau5 was playing on the final day. Normally, I consider music to be a communal experience. While I live alone and do a lot of things solo (insert your own masturbation joke here), I've never gone to a concert by myself. Well... very few people in my life have followed me down my little House Music rabbit hole, and just about everyone wanted to avoid a steamy, smelly band of hipsters like the plague. No one wanted to go with me. Suck it, each and every one of you. I went Sunday, and I had a blast.

Like any proper summer festival, a monsoon hit, and I got soaked, and I have suffered the loss of a truly fine pair of Converse. I will say that one major change in a concert going experience is watching people experience life through the screen of their smartphones. Some kids (and for the first time in my life, I really see them as KIDS) literally never put their phones in their pockets and just enjoyed the experience.

While my phone didn't make it out all that often, here's my Lollapalooza 2011 in pictures.

I may have attended alone, but I was among friends. Shared a bonding moment as soon as I walked through the gates with these guys, because of my homemade shirt and their heads. I particularly love the Chicago Mau5head.

Several people actually commented that they wanted to buy this. I feel that this vindicates my OCD tendencies.

Sunnier, smellier times watching The Cars with Friend Drew... a friend of AlsoBeth... who I am delighted to find attended ALL THREE DAYS with...

Tannisse... the Girl Scout of Lolla '11. Hand-held fans, two shirts, 5 Hour Energy, UMBRELLA... you name it, she had it in her Mary Poppins bag. She was fucking PREPARED.

Things started looking a little ominous around 5... then the Storm of the Century, Part 1 hit. Soaked to the bone, it lasted about 40 minutes before letting up briefly, showing a truly killer rainbow.

My phone was wrapped tightly in a bag I grabbed off the ground pre-deluge in the back pocket of my soaked shorts at this particular moment, so this photo is ~~stolen from~~ courtesy of AshliCrowe.

Waiting for the show I had come for was fun. The creativity of Deadmau5 fans awed me.

Then, just as Deadmau5 was hitting the stage, Storm of the Century: The Sequel happened. It was fucking epic though. Pounding music, a swelling crowd, brand new, huge light show, pouring rain and swampy mudpuddles up to my ankles... I loved every minute of it. I discovered the best part of my age last night... I'm confident to be there, by myself, to not care, and just have a fucking blast.

I took about 40 seconds of film...I wanted to get something for some good shots to remember, and then to just jump around and enjoy the show, so that's where these came from.

Hard work pays off... I was CLOSE. I pretty well got to know a few guys biblically in the crowd (not a whole lot of room up front), but the guy in front of me was tall, smelled good, was cute, and was overwhelmingly polite about making sure I could see. So... you know. Forced rubbing up on him wasn't so bad. *winkwinknudgenudgeI'mACreepyOldLady*

The aftermath:

Via con dios, Converse. You lived a good life. You will be missed.

House music may not be your scene, but it was a blast. I wouldn't steer you wrong... this show was FUN. If anyone wants to come with me to the next show (indoors), let me know. I promise you a good time.

I'm an old biddy. My feet hurt, I'm exhausted, I can't hear a thing, my back was KILLING ME yesterday and I don't know HOW anyone survived all three days... but I was brought back to the better part of my reckless teenage self again: when I was open for anything. When I loved being surprised by a live act that I would normally never have come across, and got an electric thrill from being in the thick of a buzzing crowd. When I truly engaged in something, and wasn't a dried up curmudgeon with a smart-ass judgmental comment for everything. It turns out some things from your awkward teens are worth holding on to.

In the immortal words of a Maury Povich guest, "Age ain't nothin' but a number." Fucking poetry, man.

I Don't Care About Pedophiles... I Just Want to See the Clothes On a Grownup

2011-08-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

Meet the January cover girl of French Vogue, y'all!

Hot, right??

Getting a good sense of what these clothes might look like on you?

What's that? You're not? Oh, that's because SHE'S TEN YEARS OLD. Yeah.... 10. One year older than my niece, who is just reading Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. Who thinks that adding some variant of "poop" and "pee" to every single line on a Mad Libs is the height of humor (she may not be wrong there).

Found this on the Daily Mail, who, I'm sure, is positively giddy over the outrage it's causing. Yes, they are incredibly sexualized photos. Yes, I am horrified that the picture just above has her in a top cut so low that I wouldn't dare wear on ~~the sluttiest night of the year~~ Halloween. Yes, this is the same type of photography that gets Chris Hansen in a tizzy.

But let's put aside the whole "this is the epitome of all that's wrong in this sad, fucked up little world of ours" thing and focus on my immediate thought, since I'm neither a pedophile nor a parent: Can I open just one goddamned magazine and see clothes on someone that has at least graduated high school?

I'm not asking for much here. Really. Fuck fat models. Screw models over 25 (HAGS! ALL OF YOU!). Right now, I'd settle for someone that at least could drive to the photo shoot themselves:

Below is 15 year old Hailee Steinfeld, Mattie Ross in last year's True Grit. Stunning portrayal of a child looking for vengeance for her father's death. Now, she's the face of Miu Miu.

13 year old Elle Fanning! Dakota's tyke sister, and also the model for Marc by Marc Jacobs' fall/winter line.

She'd be a great model, if I were looking for something to wear on my first day of freshman year. BUT I'M NOT. I'm a grown damned woman, looking to purchase clothes that I can wear to my job, that I can work without having to enforce Child Labor Laws.

Fashion designers, magazine editors, I implore you, on behalf of women everywhere... please. PLEASE. This isn't avant garde (clearly, since you aren't the only one doing it), this isn't edgy. This is just... stupid. Cast some models who's list of craziest nights don't include "that time when mom let me stay up past 10:30 to wait for Santa."

Stop Calling My Vagina a Kitty, It's Been Around For Years.

2011-07-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to get away from the poon this week. I was up last night, suffering a bout of insomnia that I was trying to kill with a bottle of wine, and hoping to find some good infomercials to share with you all. Instead, I came across the "Hail to the V" campaign by Summer's Eve... which I had thought was only an online nightmare. After all, the internet was invented for pussy, right?

In case you don't know, here's the "Hail to the V" campaign. There used to be more, which included talking hands posing as racially stereotyped vaginas. You'll have to imagine what I'm talking about though, because happily, Summer's Eve removed those ads within two weeks of being posted; likely because the comments on their YouTube channel were overwhelmingly negative. Because that's what every woman wants, a talking vagina. IT'S WHIMSICAL, BITCHES!

So... yeah. I get it, you have a dying product. People don't douche anymore... and I certainly don't feel the need to buy a whole separate soap for my cooter. So why not try the last ditch effort, the shock & awe campaign? The swan song of advertisers... when all else fails, at least get people talking about you. Which is working- I'm writing about you. It still doesn't mean that I'm going to buy your douche. (Side rant: Not buying your product doesn't mean I don't love my vagina. Nice try with the guilt advertising though.)

So now Summer's Eve only has one commercial on their YouTube Channel... Men fighting for some tang. They have a point... Helen of Troy. Cleopatra. Guinevere. Well. That last one is fictional, but still. I see where you're going.

They also have some favorite videos... which lead me down the rabbit hole (pussy hole?), and I stumbled across this, from That'sVaginal.com. Pretty sure this is still Summer's Eve, posing as some random passerby that happens to really love vagina. Just an FYI, don't let the innocuous cat puppet (ugh... kitty) fool you, the site is pretty NSFW. It's a blog all about vaginas... including the vagina mold gallery that someone has created.

I just post it, I don't make it, people.

I don't like puppets, I'm not hugely fond of cats, and hey, using a cat puppet debunks the what you're saying about how you don't like people using euphemisms for vaginas, but I will admit that this guy's voice does make me laugh... and the Georgia O'Keefe reference earned a chortle.

But it does make me wonder, what's up with the whole vaginal pride movement? Do we really need one? My irritation about this comes from the same place that gives me agita about people who spell women "wombyn" and have Menarche parties.

I'm not much of a joiner, and crap like this is the reason why. I don't want to go to some kid's party because she bleeds on a regular basis...LIKE HALF THE POPULATION OF THE PLANET DOES. I also don't want to have a party to watch you eat your placenta. If you want to eat what amounts to your own giant scab, be my guest. Just don't include me, and don't be surprised when I am horrified that you've done so if you choose to tell me about it. It's gross. You know it is.

I'm not saying that women shouldn't have pride in themselves, or their femininity. But shouldn't this pride celebrate the power of the female mind, and not the fact that we have functioning reproductive organs? Can I start pride movements for other organs? Because I have a really bitchin' spleen I want you all to know about.

Since this is a YouTube kinda post, I'll leave you with this. Happily, the pregnant women that I've been closest to haven't been smug... but I think that's why we're friends in the first place. They haven't lost their goddamned minds, they just had a baby. And I appreciate them for this.

I Swear I Don't Look for the Crazy. IT FINDS ME. Or: how the informal nature of social media has killed one's sense of propriety.

2011-07-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

Wowza. Someone turned the dial all the way up to crazy last night. So... this story has hella long backstory, but it's worth it.

Anyway. I'm on the Twitter. I also like to eat lunch. So if you use key words in your Tweets (boobs wang penisy), people can find you and follow you. So there's a certain restaurant that started following me. It sounded good, so I went to get food from there. I had a little trouble finding the place, had to pass by a homeless dude masturbating TWICE to get there, but fuck it all, I was determined.

I got there, the guy behind the counter gave me a free cookie and a wink. My, how flattering!

Got back to the office, tweeted the Homeless Diddler story and Thanks for the Cookie to said restaurant.

Suddenly, I had a new follower! It's the cashier. Hey, no problem. Seemed nice. Seems nice in DM's (that's Direct Messages, for the Twitter uninitiated). We flirt via DM for a day or two over the weekend, because that's what the kids do nowadays.

Last night, the Twitter is all up in arms about how hot it is. Said restaurant is very excited about the heat. I am not, and decide to tell them so, which starts the DM frenzy with cashier guy again. The following is cut and pasted from my DM feed. Names and avatars have been deleted using my mad photo editing skillz to protect the pervy.

***BIRV YOGA BREAK***

Tick Tick

Tick tick tick

Tick Tick Tick Tick

BOOM

So. YEAH. I have a kitty in my pants and baby talk and free food is all it takes to get to see it. Meow.

I recognize that I could have ended the conversation sooner, and that this is what some may view as an utterly misguided attempt at flirtation (REALLY, though??). Here's the thing. You've probably read some of my previous posts, and most likely, you know me personally. I'm a robustly foul-mouthed girl, and I have ZERO problem with dirty talk, texts, photos multimedia, smoke signals blahhhhh potato. However, I usually like that sort of messaging to happen some time after the "So, do you like dogs?" level of conversation. Or when our actual real life interaction is something more than me giving you my lunch order.

Questions, yeah sure. I'll answer questions. I wear panties. I've had sex before. However, I can't remember what your face looks like. Let's not start dog-earing pages of the Kama Sutra just yet.

PS, when you intimate that you're predicating our dating success on the answer I give to how many times I'll fuck you during a week, I lose faith in men as a species and crawl into bed and imagine that Neil Patrick Harris is straight and wouldn't ask me how wet my pussy gets before asking my last name.

Awesomely, as I've been cobbling this post together, "My Heart Will Go On" has been playing on the radio. Sheer fucking poetry, I tell you.

What Rock Have I Been Living Under?

2010-11-10T12:29:00.001-08:00

Why have I not found this website before?? Normally, a blog about handsome men would be something that would practically be beamed into my subconscious upon its first entry, and I would wake from a dead sleep to find it. Somehow, this one missed my radar.

Go visit Swoonworthy. It'll make your day. I swear.

I know I'm supposed to give you a storytime post, BFF, and I want you to know I'm working on it, but I had to share this. I know you understand.

PS: That's Andrew Lincoln. I love him, and The Walking Dead, the zombie apocalypse show in which he is currently starring. I really need to get cable.

I AM NOT YOUR MONKEY!!!

2010-10-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of Kennedy, wearing part of Big Bro's costume last night. She looks so pissed!!!!

Reason #4278 Why Our Family Shouldn't Have Children... Sissy, you may consider living things your own personal dolls, but I couldn't call Child Services on you- this is way too funny to me.

I hope everyone has some great Halloween plans this weekend, and if there are any pictures I deem attractive enough, I will happily post some of me as a gnome. I just found out Big Bro is a fairy and Sissy is Peter Pan, so apparently we'll have some gender-queer fairyland going on tomorrow.

Happy Halloween, and may you never cross paths with this terrifying creature.

Grab Your Hankies

2010-10-28T14:52:00.000-07:00

The readers of this blog have surely heard of the It Gets Better Project, which stands up against bullying and advocacy for openly gay teens.

I love the project, not only for what it can give to young gay people, but really, what it can give to anyone that never fit in. As someone who jokes that her college was where the freaks and geeks of high school finally managed to find somewhere where they could fit in, I think that this project is so important in the digital world, where kids have literally no place where they can get away from their "social status", or whatever you want to call it. Facebook, texting, IM's, Skype, blogs, YouTube... none of this was around when I was in school. It was hard enough then, and I can't even imagine what it must be like to try and create your own self-image while facing constant speculation and judgment of who other people think you're supposed to be.

So I'm already a huge supporter of It Gets Better, and then this came along, by way of BFF. I made the mistake of watching this at work, and sobbed like a baby. It is so beautiful, and what a powerful message: the song starts with one man, and grows, and grows, and family and friends step in, all to show that it DOES GET BETTER.

Watch it, watch it again, and then share it.

Some Things Really Bring Out the Twelve Year Old In Me.

2010-10-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

In my search for awesome quilting fabrics, I came across a really great site for Japanese prints, which are super well made and really, REALLY cute. The nieces, aka the petrie dishes, for their uncanny ability to make me sick every time I see them are getting some of these prints by Heather Ross in my over zealous forays into the world of quilting. The quilt tops are actually turning out pretty nice- you will get photos of them soon... unless they turn out horrible after I quilt them.

The website is called SuperBuzzy, and I love their variety. I also love that they posted this photo of this note pad, which puts a whole new spin on Little Red Riding Hood, don't you think? I am totally going to get this notepad- I totally hope that the story continues in this poorly translated form throughout the whole thing. It adds to how damned cute the pictures are, in my opinion.

BFF- I already know what you're thinking, and STOP. You aren't allowed to buy yourself anything from this website. I've got you covered, love.

I Swear This Isn't an All Muppet Blog.

2010-10-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

I just love the little suckers so much!! Judging by the 4.6 million and counting hits this has had, I imagine most people have seen this, but this video combines two pop-culture items I love- the Old Spice Guy and Sesame Street. Besides, you get a twofer post today!! I know you love that.

Moo.

Get Your Boobies Out, It's HALLOWEEN!

2010-10-19T10:06:00.000-07:00

That time is upon us- the time to dress as slutty as possible in public. All in the name of Halloween. I take full part in it- I was a slutty pirate last year (when else can one wear a petticoat??), and some costumes make sense in a slutty concept: sexy cop, sexy schoolgirl. However, when you begin dressing up mundane items to be sexy, I just don't understand it. So today we're showing my top 10(ish) trends in weird slutty costumes. (Up top is Brian from Family Guy. It doesn't make much sense to me either, because you know, you don't look like him at all.)

This one isn't really a weird theme, flappers make sense in slutty, so it's more like a bonus post. I just feel the need to say that there are some bold ass women out there. This is sheer. WHAT KIND OF PARTY ARE YOU ATTENDING, MADAM??

Another bonus post: Magazine. I actually think this is HILARIOUS. I saw some others that are fine art too, which are unfortunately sold out, because otherwise I would totally do the Mona Lisa.

Sexy Board Games. Yeah, nothing's sexier than SCRABBLE. OOH,Triple Word Score me, baby!

Sexy Olive Oyl. Isn't the whole point of Olive Oyl that she ISN'T sexy?

Sexy Mrs. Potato-head. Really? I mean... REALLY?

Sexy Strawberry Shortcake. My childhood is ruined!!! (I seriously LOVED Strawberry Shortcake. I had the Atari game, where you had to make the Purple Pie Man nice, I dressed up (non-sexily) as S.S's cat, Custard one year, and one of my favorite movies was when she went to the Big Apple City. I also had one of the blow-kiss dolls- remember those? They would kiss you, and it would smell like strawberries.) But bonus points to the manufacturer for having the berry gang: Apple Dumplin', Blueberry Muffin and Lemon Merengue are all for sale. Okay. You caught me. If they weren't almost $60 I'd probably be Blueberry Muffin. I like her hat.

Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Apparently my age group is the target demo for sexy costumes right now... but must we destroy our childhood memories? Wait. On second thought, take TMNT. Go 'head.

Sexy Pac-Man Ghost. This really isn't a stand-alone costume... it makes way more sense if there are 4 or 5 of you running around in these.

Beer Pong. My main problem with this is that outside of the ping pong ball necklace and the quote, which also appears on the butt of this dress, "Don't forget to wash your balls" (heh), it doesn't really have anything to do with beer pong. Call me a purist, but it's cheating if you have to tell someone what you are because really, you're basically wearing a condom.

Recycling. Kind of like Beer Pong, it's very difficult to dress up as a concept for Halloween. How do you explain what you are when someone asks? "I'm recycling." "Are you a superhero?" "No, I'm recycling." "Are you from like, a movie?" "No, I'm RECYCLING. tuh."

The Man In The Canoe. Slutty Costumes- not just for girls anymore! I will admit, this one made me laugh. Wait for it... it'll come to you.

Sexy Nemo. Disney is cute on your kid, disturbing on you.

Number one with a bullet: Anna Rexia. The irony that this comes in plus sizes actually makes it sort of funny.

THIS JUST IN: Brett Favre's Pecker a Banana

2010-10-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

Oh those wacky Asians. I loved the Flight Attendant Movie, but I have to say NextMedia's animated news story about Brett Favre's dirty birdy scandal is even better. Banana texts? Heart-eyes on the football field? Awesome.

My favorite part has to be the "NFL officials" looking into the scandal- and apparently checking out porn after doing a keg stand. NFL headquarters... party party party!!

I'll be honest, I don't like Brett Favre as a person... but I'm not sure I would be offended by any lewd texts from him.

Who Is Coming With Me?

2010-10-04T07:45:00.000-07:00

The Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago is running a Muppet/Jim Henson exhibit through January. I. MUST. GO.

Fraggle Rock will be there! KERMIT THE FROG!!! HANDS ON ACTIVITIES!!!!! I might be able to make my own Muppet! Do you understand the joy here? Cat-fish gets it. She's the one that pointed this out. As such, she may be the one I drag with me to the museum.

If any of the Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas characters are there, my head might just explode.

Fair warning, I will be running around like a kid with ADHD hopped up on sugar. Mainly because that's actually what I am.

You're a Bitch, Jenny Craig.

2010-09-26T07:16:00.001-07:00

Photo On Box:

Real Pizza:

I hate you, Jenny Craig.

Could I See a Muppet Eric Northman, Please?

2010-09-23T10:52:00.000-07:00

Oh Sesame Street, you will never cease to entertain me, til the day I die.

ME WANT NOW!!!!!!

2010-09-23T06:30:00.000-07:00

So the first Deathly Hallows trailer made me gasp and get chills all over. THIS one literally had me holding the sides of my computer screen with my face two inches away from the monitor. The mirror shard! DOBBY! The beach scene! Nagini the snake! The Lotsa Potters!

This trailer has turned me into Cookie Monster. ME WANT TO SEE NOW!

Don't worry if you have no idea what I'm talking about. I won't give it away. You should have been reading the books this whole time, but now isn't a time for me to judge you. It is time to welcome you into the fold...because if this movie doesn't get you to read the books, nothing will.

I Want to Take Your Place, JLo!

2010-09-14T06:48:00.000-07:00

Lenny Kravitz, JLo (who is clearly sitting in my spot), Bradley Cooper, my girlfriend Christina Hendricks and NPH?! WHAT?!? According to the Daily Mail, this momentous event of awesome took place at the Tommy Hilfiger show over the weekend for Fashion Week. I won't lie, I'm a little jealous, even though I never liked Tommy Hilfiger. It's probably best I'm not there, because I have every confidence that I would make a total ass of myself. I'd be trying to hold Bradley Cooper's hand and making weird noises to attract NPH's attention... and possibly reaching behind that guy with his head turned to pet Lenny Kravitz's closely shaven head.

It's generally best if I'm not allowed in public.

Side note: what the hell, Bradley Cooper? We need to discuss how you're buttoning that jacket.

So far, Fashion Week has been mostly normal. Granted, I haven't taken a look through the Couture Collections yet... always rife for strangeness.

All photos from the Daily Mail.

Nice Ride.

2010-09-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

Twin Lakes, Wisconsin- a tiny hamlet with excitement for all.

There is a flea market near Sissy and Big Bro's lake house that is truly an experience that shouldn't be missed. Not only is it your one stop shop for anything from a full set of BetaMax movies to terrifying clown dolls, but I have seen, on more than one occasion, a truly impressive set of truck balls (Not familiar? Why, you have hardly lived a full life. Check it out.) in the parking lot, and there's a lady that drives around in a golf cart selling to-go Fuzzy Navels and Bloody Mary's. You never want for entertainment and strange used things from other people's homes.

When Big Bro showed this picture he took at last weekend's flea market to me last night, I had to share immediately.

Cute kid, right? (Gladiator sandals! They're EVERYWHERE!) Let's pull back on the scene.

All together... awwwwwwww. And... hahaha! I mean, That little girl has gotta be just out of the stroller herself- in my imagination, they take turns pushing each other. Still- let's pull out on the whole scene, shall we?

I like to think that the look in Grandma #1's eyes here is a little jealousy upon seeing the set-up that Grandma #2 is rockin'.

Let's look at that sweet ride one more time.

I always used to envision myself as a silly old lady tooling around on a lollipop-colored scooter wearing a crazy big helmet like The Great Gazoo, but I think I have just gotten a glimpse at my future destiny.

The Digital Version of Having Fun In a Paper Bag.

2010-09-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

An illustrated transcript of a text conversation between BFF and I:

Birv: Blech. Sometimes I just wish I had someone that followed me around and gave me manly, reassuring hugs. I need one today!

BFF: Me too! Who would you hire?

Birv: Good question! Definitely someone older... for some reason this brand of hug needs to have some manly experience behind it. I'd vote either Jon Hamm or Nathan Fillion. You?

BFF: I love Nathan. But I got to go with my heart on this and say Scooby Douche. Those arms would pop a baby like a balloon.

(Scooby Douche is the one on the right. He is on Ghost Hunters. I do not know his actual name. BFF, despite vowing to marry him someday, doesn't either.) CORRECTION: Scooby Douche is on Ghost Adventures...(Not having cable, and knowing there are 700,000 paranormal shows on those reality channels, I was forced to choose one...mainly because I am lazy and opening a separate web page to Google the real name would just be so. much. work.) Cat-fish has become even more awesome in my eyes with her knowledge of the stupid crap that I fill my days with- thank you for making me not feel like a total loser by knowing who I am talking about!

Birv: I bet he smells like Calvin Klein Obsession and Strawberry protein smoothie.

BFF: Yes! And hair salon.

Birv: New game! What do our favorite men smell like? Alexander Skarsgaard. Go.

BFF: Leather! And musk. NPH!

Birv: White tic tacs, fresh baked bread and magic. Joel McHale!

BFF: Mmmmmm! Oatmeal, Abercrombie Woods and whiskey. Obama!

Birv: New books, bonfire and Irish Spring Soap. Puck!

BFF: Suntan lotion, pot and dollar bills. Seth MacFarlane.

Birv: New Car, Colgate and the faintest hint of Acqua di Gio. Joseph Gordon Levitt!

BFF: Spearmint Gum, Cedar and honeysuckle. He has a touch of girly something.

Birv: Agreed. A little something sweet!

BFF: Rick Moranis.

Birv: Old Spice, Coffee and vintage comic book. Bill Murray.

BFF: YES! Especially the coffee! Cold cream, cigarette enhanced tweed and wood shavings. RPatz.

Birv: Stale cigarettes, well-used shoes and laundry that's been left in the washer too long. Zachary Levi!
For the record, this photo is proof that nerds are hot. PHWOAR!

BFF: Aftershave, vanilla and Endust for electronics. George Clooney!

Birv: Espresso, rosemary and shoe polish. Conan O'Brien.

BFF: Polyester, TUMS and mashed potatoes.

It may be important to note that this went on for three solid hours and 154 texts before we realized we should probably really focus on work.

Join the game!

Can You Get Too Old For Puppets?

2010-09-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

Frankly, if it is a Muppet, no. No you can't. Which is why I am WAY TOO EXCITED about the fact that you can Muppet Yourself.

Create your own Muppet WhatNot here at the FAO Schwartz Muppet WhatNot Workshop... and while you're at it, pretty please with sugar on it, buy me one too!!

As Summer Draws To A Close...

2010-08-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

The upcoming weekend is Labor Day, the signal for back-to-school and the end of summer. As a salute to my least favorite season (the sweating!), I think it's time to do a little "Don't Be a Slave to Fashion!" recap. There's a reason that every company sends out the dress code reminder at the beginning of June... there are a lot of pitfalls in summer clothing options.

Below are the top trends from this summer that I just can't get over, and after working at various street festivals all summer long, I couldn't get away from.

First up... shoes!

I'm not a huge fan of the Gladiator sandal, though (perhaps through sheer overexposure) I have acknowledged they have a place in the world. But this type of shoe, (this particular one is the BCBGeneration Kija)... I just don't get it. Is it a boot? Is it a sandal? Does it make your ankle sweat? I implore you, ladies, think of the tan lines!

While we're at it with the feet:

Legwarmers/Kneehighs with sandals/clogs/any footwear and shorts/skirts/etc. is wrong. I thought we finally all agreed to this. Have we not, for generations, been discussing the faux pas of our fathers and grandfathers wearing sandals with socks? Let's not confuse things here. When it comes to it, I suppose I'd rather you wear the boot/sandal monster above than this look.

From bottom to top:

One of the main reasons I hate summer is what it does to my hair. It's not really fun to go three months looking like a sweaty troll doll. While I suppose these hippie-redux headbands WOULD keep my hair from reaching maximum lift-off, I also hate the feeling of my damp hair plastered to the side of my face, and I can't see how this does anything but add to the problem.

The Boyfriend Tee:

I add this with a caveat; I like feminized menswear, and am actually a fan of the whole "boyfriend shirt" trend, when done right. However, I feel it should be noted that SHIRTS ARE NOT DRESSES.

Ladies, Vanessa Hudgens can not pull off this look, and we are not Vanessa Hudgens. Where are your pants? I have seen everything from the teenytiny jorts, which I am not a fan of, but will at least accept that you are somewhat aware of being in public, to the oblivious full moon that leads me to believe that it's not a few girls taking fashion to an unfortunate place, and that the shirt-as-solo is a full-on trend.

A note: if your shirt barely covers your cheeks while standing straight up, wear something underneath it. I think I speak for a grateful Chicago when I say we don't want to see your nethers when you bend over to pick up the food tickets you dropped while buying your big ass turkey leg.

Additional sidebar on this rant, $50 plus is too much to spend on a lumpy t-shirt. Please go get an XXXL from Hanes if you are so obliged.

From mini to maxi:

I add this as an homage to Sissy, who really hates this look. I don't, though I think, as with the Boyfriend Trend, strict rules apply. If you are using the maxi dress as a modern muumuu, seek help. If you fail the Pencil Test, WEAR A BRA.

Actually, two birds, one stone: this rule ties in nicely with the yearly nightmare of tube tops...unflattering on everyone. Always pulling them up, sagging issues, certain anatomy looking like flapjacks. Who likes that swampy feeling under there? What if you get sweat marks?! I speak from experience that the sisters should be contained, for your own sake. Halters are just not for us, mmkay?

I suppose that's the moral of this post altogether: just because it's out there, it doesn't mean you have to wear it. Don't be a slave to fashion! Some things shouldn't be worn by women over the age of 25 (Forever 21, I am looking at you.) Some things don't fit your body, no matter what size they come in. Some things really are meant for you to wear at home (yes you, rompers!)...at least if you're over the age of 5. A Birv rule of thumb: If you are constantly adjusting yourself- pulling something up, pulling something down, taking off and immediately putting back on- it's not flattering on you.

Do People Have Issues Opening Car Doors? (Besides Me?)

2010-08-26T15:45:00.000-07:00

I have no idea the practical use of this, or why you would spend FORTY DOLLARS on it.

Random Story From Tuesday: In coming back from the Bros N Ho dinner (in which Birv goes to dinner with her two brothers), I paralell parked my car relatively near a young, short tree.

Since I had stopped by the grocery store on the way back, I had some items I needed to get from my passenger side. The tree's reach is longer than I thought, and I pretty much have to wrestle my way through low-hanging branches to get to the passenger door. Basically standing in the middle of this stupid tree, I open the car door, and move my head back. The tree, that I know is right there because I am standing in it, still somehow manages to startle me as I'm opening the door, and I jump and rapidly jerk my head forward... INTO THE CAR DOOR I'M OPENING.

With the amount of damage I do to myself on a daily basis, I thankfully no longer bruise easily, so there's no mark on my face, but I am slightly worried that my left side of my face still hurts.

Go Incognito, Itchy

2010-08-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

Oh Etsy, you never cease to amaze me with your world of weirdness. This is probably one of the funniest knitted things I have ever seen. It looks oddly comforting, though I would probably break out in a hideous rash.

What do you say we all get one, and then start a posse? We could become Dr. Suess-like outlaws.

Buy your's here, in a variety of colors.

Look At You, Being All Crafty

2010-08-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

I really love Christina Hendricks. We all know she is on Mad Men, one of my favorite shows of the moment. She was also in Joss Whedon's Firefly, which holds a special place in my heart, and makes her infinitely cooler. Much has been made of her goddess figure, and she is, whether she really wants to be or not, becoming the poster child for body acceptance, and the fashion industry allowing women to actually have hips and tits and not be forced to look like a 10 year old Asian boy. For this I thank her. Above all, she seems to accept this with grace, even though it has to become extremely irritating that anytime she is spoken about in an article it is about her body, and any adjectives used to describe her are not about her personality, but something akin to "The curvy star of Mad Men...blah blah blah". Her patience is far greater than mine.

Well now, she's just become about a billion times cooler. In a slightly manic daze of overconfidence in my own home-ec skills, I have recently decided that I am going to be a quilter. It turns out that Etsy.com is a really great place not only to find adorable and amazing finished crafts (and some other things), but some truly funky fabrics, and so I have been poring through Etsy for cute fabric like it's my job.

So today, I googled Etsy, and came across this little article in the Google News section about my new girlfriend from Today.com: Christina Hendricks is modeling scarves for her friend Tamara Mello on Etsy. COMEONHOWCOOLISTHAT?! My little crafting heart just went pitter patter. I wonder if she knits. I don't, but if she did, I would learn, so that if I ever met her, I could be like "hey, I knit too- want to come over and watch old movies and knit scarves together?" We could lounge in jammy pants and drink wine and eat too much whole-wheat pasta and talk about what Jon Hamm is like, and whether he really smells like cedar and fresh laundry (like he does in my mind).

Her friend's shop is Blackbird Design House, and it features all sorts of tasteful felted crafts. I actually don't understand felting. I have asked BFF (my crafting encyclopedia) about it a billion times, and I still don't understand how it works. Do you felt things onto things that are already knitted, like scarves? Do you just start with unwoven wool and punch it with a needle a billion times until it magically becomes a sweater? How do you make designs with it? Why would anyone want these felted soaps?

Screw You, R-Pattz... I've Totally Moved On.

2010-08-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

BFF's friend Dave has had this as his profile pic on The Downfall of Society for a few days, and I have been so dumbfounded by it that I am just getting around to posting about it now.

Hello Sailor!!!!

I love True Blood anyway... but this cover cemented it. Love you, Alexander Skarsgard. Wow. I also don't mind you talking about how you like to be naked. Puts thoughts in a gal's mind.

Just showing why this show totally trumps Twilight (and we all know how I feel about Twilight). Notice I mentioned the SHOW, but not the books. They aren't...good. But hey, when Alan Ball gets his mitts on something, it's bound to be good.

Look how awesomely snarky he is in his interview:

"The idea of celibate vampires is ridiculous. To me, vampires are sex. I don't get a vampire story about abstinence."

And on alienating a core vampire fan-base: "I'm 53. I don't care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed."

Well said, sir!!! I couldn't agree more. Now I'm going to go grab a bottle of wine, my snuggie and have some private time with my Season 2 dvd's.

Your Career Is Like Watching Paint Dry

2010-08-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

I'd understand this from Martha Stewart. Actually, I think she HAS a paint line. I think Cindy Crawford's furniture line is weird, though I don't find it hideous. There have been some successful "You're selling what, now?" spokeperson deals in the world.

But this... this is new. According to the Daily Mail, Claire Danes is a spokesperson for Valspar Paint. Bwahuh?

I like Claire Danes. She bears more than a passing resemblance to my friend Caitlin (always has, ever since My So-Called Life), I liked her in Shopgirl. She's nominated for an Emmy for a mini-series I've never seen about a woman I've never heard of; she got to celebrate in Rome, for god's sake! She had that whole teen alt-idol thing going (oh, Baz. I appreciate your Romeo & Juliet so much more now than I did when I was a surly teen), and she's married to this handsome, talented British guy:

So, with a stellar life like this, shouldn't she be representing something... I don't know... better? Oh right right... she does hock Latisse, that eyelash thing. Because her eyelashes are apparently a shameful body flaw she must correct. Short lashes! Fuck you, you're out of the biz, uggo!

...

Not better.

Or maybe she could've consider avoiding going the corporate route in the first place? She has Hollywood street cred. She's not a Kardashian (love Shoedazzle!).

Look at her, she's really hustling the stuff too:

I especially love the designer clothes and 4 inch stilettos- "why yes, I DO paint my house dressed like this! Paint never gets on me. I'm Claire Fucking Danes!"

It's as though you can see her really thinking- how the hell do I glamorize a PAINT BRUSH? It's sort of sad, in a weird, money-grubbing way.

Someone should talk to her publicist.

I'm Not a Suicide Bomber, I Just Look Like One When I Exercise.

2010-08-16T16:11:00.000-07:00

It looks suspicious, right? And plenty stupid. But check it- celebrities use them too! Matthew McConaughey wears one, and Valerie Bertinelli, my Jenny Craig friend uses one too.

In case I haven't said it enough on this blog, I hate to run with the fiery intensity of 10,000 suns. But once you've exercised for a while, it loses some effectiveness when your body gets used to it. This is not something, as a non-exerciser, that I have ever learned. So... what to do? Turns out the answer is to put the weight you've already lost back on, and exercise like it's 1999 pounds. It makes sense- the more weight you carry around, the harder your body works to maintain it.

So I found this military nightmare online... the whole time singing a happy "I'M BRILLIANT!" song to myself as I ordered a 20 pounder. They had a 10 pound version, but I'm not a sissy.

At least, I didn't think I was...until it came in the mail. Turns out that 20 pounds is kinda heavy... especially when you have to carry it up 3 flights of stairs. It's also really heavy when you're dancing to David Bowie around your house, as I learned that night (Single Girls Living Alone... unite!). This was not a surprise to Sissy, who responded to my shocked text: "Duh... it's a WEIGHTED VEST."

Well... this didn't deter me. The first day I wore it out to walk was this Saturday, which was about as hot as sitting on the sun. Let me tell you, people, 98 degree days and a weighted vest DO NOT MIX.

Remember how I threw up all over the Hott Yoga studio's bathroom (and then ran away like a sorority girl at her first mixer)? IT HAPPENED AGAIN!! This time I was on the street. Luckily I was under the underpass... a seemingly common occurence there, so mine will just blend in. I was always shocked at the people on The Biggest Loser that horked...how can they work them that hard? That's torture! Turns out it's pretty easy to puke while you're exercising when it's hot.

I have a whole new respect for the military and police officers... my major line of defense would just be to run after someone long enough to feel nauseous, and hope I was close enough to puke ON them.

I own the thing now (and cleaned it), so I'll be trying it again... I'll let you know how it goes.

It's Coming Up On That Time Again...

2010-08-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

Some people volunteer, some people craft, I watch TV. I also (unsurprisingly) live alone, which means I have sole control over my remote. So, like last year, as the fall season approaches, I have made my absurdly detailed chart of new and returning shows. Since I'm an ego-maniac, I figured that OF COURSE you would all like to see it too. Since I refuse to get cable, these are all network shows. (Next year's Alan Ball/HBO collaboration The Miraculous Year could reverse my views on paying through the nose for cable in a heartbeat. My boyfriend Lee Pace is in it, so, YES.)

Of course, the midseason replacements will screw this whole schedule up. Until then, here are my 100 words or less, totally subjective reasons for watching.

The new shows are highlighted in green (except for Chuck. Apparently I'm REALLY excited about it!):

Lone Star: Fox is promoting the hell out of this one... cute guy is a con artist with, according to the previews, a fake hot girlfriend and a fake hot rich wife. Drama ensues. Dad looks like he's going to blow the whistle. I look like I'll be watching.

The Event: Since Flashforward and Lost are both off the air, I need something to spark my conspiracy loving heart. Government cover-ups that the president doesn't know about? Count me in... add Jason Ritter and Blair Underwood to the cast and I'll definitely give it a chance.

Hawaii 5-0: Oh, I'm excited. Daniel Dae Kim from Lost (somewhat related- this guy has to be like, the mayor of Hawaii. Every show he shoots is down there!), Alex O'Loughlin, potentially shirtless (I did like Moonlight), Grace Park from Battlestar Galactica... this is a cop procedural I can get behind!

Mike & Molly: Monday's kind of suck for choices, don't they? I have a dual-tuner Tivo, so I can tape 2 things at once, and still, it's like Sophie's Choice. Mike & Molly looks horrible, but I like to know why I hate things, so I may tune in to check it out. In case you haven't heard anything about it, it's about 2 people that meet in a weight-loss support group. So rest assured, crass fat jokes are sure to abound. hooray. I doubt that a primetime network sitcom will have the approach that a show like Drop Dead Diva will have, so I am sure that it will just be an ugly show. However, I really like Melissa McCarthy, so I'm hoping that there's some hidden depth to this show.

Running Wilde: Mitchell Hurwitz, the developer of Arrested Development, together (again!) with Will Arnett. I actually sort of found Sit Down, Shut Up funny (I think I may have been the only one), so I'm definitely willing to give this a try. I mean, come on. I don't care if Will Arnett plays Gob Bluth in every single thing he does for the rest of his life, I'll tune in. Plus, I discovered that I really liked Keri Russell in Waitress, even though I thought Felicity was melodramatic and dumb.

Undercovers: So it's Mr & Mrs Smith for tv. It has JJ Abrams attached! He did the Star Trek reboot! AND LOST! Abrams has great success with action and tv (Alias), so I think this isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

Hellcats: Ummm.. CW teenybopper show about cheerleading. Need I say more? BFF will be pleased to note that Sharpay from High School Musical will be in it.

Shit My Dad Says: Yeah, I'll say the REAL title. William Shatner, who for some reason really reminds me of my dad, is in it. I love William Shatner (Rocket Man, anyone?). I find the Twitter funny. Sitcom? Probably will be stupid, but I'll give it a try, even though Thursdays at 7:00 are another infuriating traffic jam of awesome. Sorry Community and Vampire Diaries, I'll have to catch you online. again.

Body Of Proof: Well, Friday was kind of light. So why not try out a crime procedural? Dana Delany is in it, and I really liked her guest star turn on Castle- she was smart, witty, and worked well as an FBI agent. This time around she'll be a neurosurgeon turned medical examiner, but you know, dead bodies are dead bodies.

Blue Bloods: Another cop series. Apparently Americans LOOOOOVE their cop serials. Along with all the others that are returning, there are at least 7 more that are premiering this fall. But wait... this one has Donnie Wahlberg and Tom Selleck, my friends. Yeah, I thought you'd say that. Worth a look, right?

Outlaw: Supreme Court, Jimmy Smits, Jay Mohr (yay!)...I'm interested enough to tape it on a night where almost literally nothing else is on.

Top Picks:

Hawaii 5-0: I think Alex O'Laughlin may have found a show that will stick around for a while- nostalgia runs high for this show and people love cop shows. This may be a winner.

Undercovers: JJ Abrams is revered in the tv community, it seems, and for good reason. His shows are original, smart and flashy. Add two incredibly good looking stars, and this will probably have a good run.

Hellcats: CW never seems to give up on a show, and why would you? It looks stupid and fun.

Want to make your own overly-detailed and somewhat pathetic tv schedule yourself? Check out TVGuide.com for listings.

Oh, They're Real.

2010-08-12T15:35:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't changed a diaper since the 7th grade (8 years of nieces and my record holds strong) I found it necessary to look up brand names for diapers when conducting the very important business of insulting someone's youth (27 years old= babies!). Google blessed me with a hit on these Jean Diapers from Huggies.

On one hand, I get that we all used to have non-disposable diapers. Why not be creative with the fabric? On the other... baby jorts? Rednecky? Possibly. Non-absorbent? Definitely.

Truthfully, I can't tell from the description whether or not they're actually fabric, though they keep calling them denim:

Jeans have always been a Mommy fashion must-have, but now it's time for their little ones to steal the style. HUGGIES® gets fashion forward with new denim diaper design to help your baby stay trendy while keeping dry.

Very fashionable - for a limited time!
Denim has always been a summer style staple, and the HUGGIES® Jeans Diapers are no exception: this is a short-term offering to help little ones steal Mom's summer style. However, HUGGIES® Little Movers are on shelves before, during and after the Jeans products are available.

A unique, fun and stylish way to make your little one the coolest and cutest around.
Same proven leakage protection Moms have come to know and trust from HUGGIES® Little Movers Diapers.
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Can you tell if they're actually denim? Do you question the diaper rash situation in non-breathable denim, coated with baby crap?

TOTALLY TOLD YOU SO.

2010-08-11T06:49:00.000-07:00

You didn't think I'd let this pass us by, did you? This is the poster for Joaquin Phoenix's new "documentary" about his "lost year". I'm using "a lot of quotes" to show how little I believe that this was done for anything but an "experiment" in the lives of two bored actors. You know how those creative types get. Your fakery surprises no one!

According to Just Jared, the movie is coming out September 10... though with Casey Affleck's totally random sexual harrassment charges, could this be delayed? Only time will tell.

Birv Out, Bitches!! SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!

2010-08-11T06:24:00.000-07:00

Oh... we've all wanted to do it. I think that's why this JetBlue Flight Attendant is getting so much press. What's better than someone giving a profanity-laden speech, taking two beers and ripping open the emergency slide, running ACROSS THE TARMAC to your car, and then driving home and jumping in bed with your boyfriend?

You, sir, are a hero. I've worked in retail, and I can remember every face of every stuck-up stay at home mom that cursed me out because I couldn't ship her drawer pulls to her for free... per company policy. Bitter? Me? Nope.

We've all fantasized about quitting in some sort of over-the-top fashion... cursing out your boss, yelling back at the incredibly self-centered customers, going on a forklift rampage at Menards (courtesy of my Assistant Director- creative, isn't he?)... what's your blaze-of-glory quitting fantasy?

Before we go- let's all take a minute to enjoy the true artistry of the man through this reenactment from NextMedia Animation, shall we? It may be in Chinese, but I think we can all get the basic story. My favorite part (there are so many to choose from!) has to be the lady cursing him out AFTER he got hit on the head by her luggage. Just cracks me up!!

It's Gotta Be Like Sitting On Tennis Balls

2010-08-10T08:47:00.000-07:00

Because my ass just isn't big enough... I think that it is time to add some fake cushion for the pushin'. Introducing the BOOTYPOP, ladies. And gents, if you feel you need to fill out the back end of your jeans a little better.

No booty-ness has never been a problem for me. I have ass to spare, no matter how many lunges I do/3rd story apartments with no elevators I move into. But (hehe) are the POPS sitting on the top of your cheeks? Is that where you need more butt? On me I'm pretty sure it would just look like I was smuggling cereal bowls.

Gotta say, if you have no booty, I can see the market for these. Here's Birv's Better Idea... make the POPS a place to store things- keys... ID... spare pair of panties for when you get to the home of the gentleman you're trying to woo with your POPPING ass. Speaking of butt-minded men... who snickered at the creepy leering man at the coffee shop in the ad? I did! At least, in my mind, it was a pervert in public, and not a husband disinterested in his flat-assed wife. Disinterested until she added 5 lbs on her rump and nowhere else, that is!! HOTT.

What do these feel like if the creeper grabs them, anyway? I mean, if you're slow dancing (people still do that, right?), and that certain someone wants to pull you in a little closer... what happens?

I love that it's endorsed by Martha Stewart. Never knew she cared about the roundedness of my rump.

CatFish, you and your adorable web-browsing sidekick have made me love again. Hooray blog!! Blogging, hooray!

Girl Crushes, Boy Crushes, and Tiny Golden Men

2010-03-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

Ladies, gents, my GirlCrush. I just love her. Enormous talent, and that goddamned perfect hair. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life, but if I could pick someone's life, it would probably be Kate Winslet. She's friends with Emma Thompson, she has that stupid awesome accent, I've never seen a movie of hers I didn't enjoy (though The Holiday was pushing it... be glad you had Jude Law in there too), she has a beautiful sense of style, and seems to be intelligent. Of course, that accent makes anyone sound smarter than an American... she could be talking about how her favorite book is Green Eggs and Ham and she'd make it sound like it was written by Proust.

She didn't really do anything this year except deliver the Best Actor Oscar (Oh Dude, I'm so happy you won! You are forever that guy I would most like to eat chips and salsa with while talking about nothing), but in the spirit of Sandra Bullock's eloquent acceptance speech, Kate Winslet, you are my lovah. (Do I think Sandra deserved to win? Absolutely not. This is Julia Roberts all over again- just because you moved from Romantic Comedy to Family-Friendly Drama does not a "departure" make. But I love Sandra Bullock, I think she is intelligent, down-to-earth, and humble, so I am not all shitty about her win.)

As for men at the Oscars... ALL HAIL TOM FORD!!! pssst... in case you aren't a clothes whorse (see what I did there?), that's him up above. Does this man know how to cut a suit or what? I want him to be my best gay friend and talk fashiony things and have green tea, but I also have the sneaking suspicion that I would always feel hideously unattractive and rumpled next to him. Does he hide an iron somewhere on his person? How is this man always so put together??

Moving on from Tom Ford the man to Tom Ford the designer... I told you he can cut a suit. Ryan Reynolds, you are so nice to look at. Especially when you inexplicably don't have your sickeningly beautiful young wife on your arm and hide your ring finger. Thank you for not ruining my fantasy.

For no reason at all, I added Gerard Butler. I go back and forth on this guy. I like him, then I think back to movies like The Ugly Truth and Phantom of the Opera. But then he seems so affable and handsome here. But The Bounty Hunter! But those eyes... a mystery that shant be solved here. Alas.

I added a non-Oscar picture of my latest film crush, Sam Worthington (don't worry Lee Pace, you're still #1 with a bullet. Despite your involvement in Marmaduke), because he DID have his girlfriend with him, and... well... I really like this picture. Dude was sporting some crazy nerd specs last night- did anyone else see it? Am I wrong to think that his enormous 1962 Harry Carey glasses simply made him sexier? Has it been... a while for me in that department? Yes. Still. This guy is 100% machismo for me, which is super appealing. He also looks weirdly, comfortingly familiar to me, like we hung out in college. Which we (obviously) didn't.

What was up with weird eyewear last night anyway? Yes, T Bone Burnett, I am looking at you. I may envy your musical giftiness, your relationship with Jeff Bridges and the Coen Brothers, but this does not excuse your Jim McMahon sunglasses habit. Do you have a wonky eye? It's ok if you do. Just let me know. I am the curious type... I must know what you're hiding back there.

I cried a fair few times last night... Mo'Nique, Sandra, but I was never so touched as when Matthew Broderick, Molly Ringwald, Duckie, the Geek et al paid tribute to John Hughes. If you are 29-40, you lived and died by the Brat Pack, and seeing these folks speak so warmly about a man that helped us all get through some truly awkward growing pains was a fitting tribute. Sidebar... what the hell happened to Molly Ringwald? I honestly didn't think this was her.

Anyone feel like the "So Long Dead Folks" montage was a little light? That's because it was. Way to leave out Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur, jerks. Apparently the card on the biggest gift was NOT from you.

Best Music nominees via Interpretive Dance! Surprise appearances by a shiny-coated NPH (love you! You too, Stanley Tucci)!

I could go on and on... but I feel like Tom Hanks... "Hurt Locker. Good night everyone!"

So I'll stop now.

Sarah Jessica Parker, you are a very severe-looking woman. Stop pulling your hair back, it isn't helping.

Finis.

Pictures courtesy of Oscar.com

Can I Bring It to the Theater?

2010-03-05T12:31:00.001-08:00

Oh my god, I think this is hilarious. There are home-made "Manlows" (Half Man, Half Pillow) for sale on Etsy. I think she's Team Edward, as it looks like Jacob looks like he is laying facedown and lifeless (? pillow) on her (supercute!) bedding. Is the crazy spaghetti neck extra long for your biting pleasure?

Is anyone else getting flashbacks to James Franco's guest spot on 30 Rock? If not... here's a reminder. PS- I want those cupcake jammies.

Show your alliegance and buy your own stuffed Cullen on Etsy.

We May Be Headed Back to Crazy Town...

2010-03-03T15:09:00.000-08:00

All aboard!!!! That is Amy Winehouse, who has been acting pretty normal (i.e. eating more than crack rocks and saltines she finds on the floor) lately, with her ex (?) husband Blake Fielder-Civil.

The Daily Mail has them all over the place snogging (I love that word! Oh, you silly, beautiful Brits). The thing we need to remember is that the first time she went ape-shit crazy was when she married this guy, and he started shooting whatever he could find into her veins, in what I presume to be an attempt to keep her married to him.

Lately she's looked like this:

Stay tuned folks- Rat's Nest McCrazy Lettuce may soon be back upon us.

I Haven't Completely Retired...

2010-03-01T15:18:00.000-08:00

and I certainly don't mean to. But a girl gets busy, what can I say?? Sadly, it's only work, so it's not like I'm being whisked away to castles full of hot hockey players (my newest obsession- that Olympic game was exciting! AND filled with cuties!) by some tall handsome man that makes me feel like my head isn't absurdly large in pictures.

Anywho- you know I love my questionable products. If the infomercial can add an oddly suggestive air to a benign product, I'm all in. Introducing... the Hoodie Footie.

Fuck you, Snuggie, I'm moving on!!! (Marshmallow-soft fleece...sticky!) Anyone else reminded of the bunny costume from A Christmas Story?

And now for something I fully plan on buying- Pajama Jeans. I too want to have brass rivets, so I can look like I am styled by "some European designer"!!

Seriously though- these look super comfy. I might actually buy these.

I'm Not Really Sure Which Is Worse

2010-01-14T06:45:00.000-08:00

Jennifer Love Hewitt talking about "vejazzling" (her words, not mine), or Pat Robertson blaming the poverty and recent earthquake in Haiti on the Haitian people's pact with the devil ("true story"). ON AN EARTHQUAKE RELIEF FUND SHOW. Then again, it IS the 700 Club... which horrifies me into stupefaction, and baffles me that PBS still airs it.

On the one hand, we have the prejudice of an old, crochety man filled with old timey devil-worshippin' stories trying to reinstate the Salem Witch Trials, on the other we have J Love talking about her naughty bits AGAIN. Yes, she does manage to slip a self-serving boobie reference in the clip too. I wonder if she brings up her boobs this often in non-public conversation: "Hey, wanna go see a movie? My boobs are really tired of staying at home. By the way, I'll try not to blind you with my crystallized cooter when we go out in the sun."

Oh, and just to make me die a little more inside, Andy Martin is at it again, this time accusing Mark Kirk of being a "de facto pedophile" for covering up Mark Foley's alleged diddling with young pages in Congress. Don't believe the Republican party when they say they shut this guy up. They're secretly loving it. Hit the link above to the Huffington Post, it'll give you audio.

How It Should Have Ended

2010-01-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

Things I Love About This Clip:

1.) "What? EW! NO!"

2.) Jasper sounds like Goliath ("ohhh Davey!")

3.) bazillion abs

4.) The Radiohead song: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah" version

See more (including a delicious Lord of the Rings ending) at How It Should Have Ended.com, or their YouTube channel.

Happy Slappy New Year! or: The Only Way I Can Stomach The Black Eyed Peas

2009-12-31T12:08:00.001-08:00

Despite the careless choice to feature a mascot, I found myself hypnotically drawn to this mash up.

Happy New Year, folks! Hold money at midnight, look someone straight in the eye while toasting, and use public transportation tonight!

Is This What Happens When Guys Go Tailgating?

2009-12-29T18:53:00.001-08:00

I am truly at a loss for words.

Republicans Are Crazy Lying Liars.

2009-12-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

I will fully admit, not all of them. But ad campaigns like Andy Martin's that I heard this morning on WGN make me wonder why anyone would ever want to associate themselves with such a hate-mongering, vile group of people.

Andy Martin, a perennial runner for...well...any political office (this time around the Senate race in Illinois), and the person that started 2008 rumors that Barack Obama was Muslim released a radio spot that had the following words:

"I helped expose many of Barack Obama's lies in 2008. Today, I am fighting for the facts about Mark Kirk. Illinois Republican leader Jack Roeser says there is a 'solid rumor that Kirk is a homosexual'. Roeser suggests that Kirk is part of a Republican Party homosexual club. Lake County Illinois Republican leader Ray True says Kirk has surrounded himself with homosexuals. Mark Kirk should tell Republican voters the truth." Text found on Huffington Post.

Shocked at both the vitriolic content of this message and the dumbass who SOLD AIR SPACE FOR THIS MESSAGE, I almost couldn't believe what I heard... until the announcer who was filling in for Greg Jarrett said something to the effect of "I am not allowed to comment on the political ads WGN runs, no matter how idiotic and vile they may be."

Well. Points to you, guy I can't remember. Bob Sirott, maybe?

In looking for information on this ridiculous political campaigning, I came across a newspiece on ChicagoBreakingNews.com that discusses how Andy Martin was not only "sanctioned in federal court for filing hundreds of lawsuits", but "found unfit to practice law by the Illinois Supreme Court".

I was ready this morning to boycott WGN and their Fox News-like support for the insanity of intolerance, but the article also gives WGN a small break by explaining that it is against federal communications law and FCC rules for political advertising to ban a particular ad.

I guess Freedom of Speech works for the crazytowns too, but jeez.

It's Like My Worlds of Awesome Have Collided to Make Me a SUPERWORLD!

2009-12-27T08:59:00.000-08:00

This is a flashmob in a Roman shopping center for the release of Glee in Italy. I AM IN LOVE. Glee? Spontaneous public dancing? ITALY?? If they could have somehow thrown Twilight, Lee Pace and baked goods in there, I would have exploded.

Oh, and waited 3 months so I could have born witness in person.

This Is Wrong On So Many Levels.

2009-12-12T08:30:00.001-08:00

This is the latest Michelin ad running on air right now. Can we discuss how wrong it is to have dancing roadkill? I don't care how cutesy you try to make the carnage, they're still dead animals. Why not make the guts pink and blue and glittery?

Anyone else catch the subtle "ghetto" influence of the "pre-Michelin" road? I was half expecting to see the raccoon dealing rocks to his flattened little homies.

Rocking, Muppet Style.

2009-12-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't want Muppets on a Saturday morning?

The Internet is My True Love.

2009-12-08T16:47:00.000-08:00

Guess what's now on Hulu?

EPISODES OF MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000, THAT'S WHAT. It's enough to get my geek heart fluttering.

I pledge my alliegance to you fully, Hulu. I love you with all my might. If you want me to kill people, I might. If you throw I Accuse My Parents on there. Just sayin'.

In other geek related news, PeeWee Herman is back. There's a stage show announced, and maybe another movie! Is anyone NOT excited about this? Because frankly, I find you un-American.

Bestill My 12 Year Old Heart...

2009-12-08T16:14:00.000-08:00

Percy Jackson and the Olympians is a youth book series that I fully enjoy. Yes, I realize that I read more kid's lit than adult lit now (Harry Potter, I blame you), but what's the fun in life if you can't regress?

This movie looks pretty good, but I have a few beefs with it.

A)... Percy Jackson (the kid with the pen) is TWELVE YEARS OLD in the first book. His age plays a pretty significant part in the series plot, so the fact that this young man's testes have undoubtedly descended gives me pause.

B) Steve Coogan is Hades? Boromir is Zeus? Well, Boromir I can handle. (yes yes, Sean Bean, I KNOW his real name)... but Steve Coogan isn't... hmmmm... EVILLLLL enough to be the God of the Dead for me, which is really just a symptom of a larger issue- NONE of the casting looks like I imagined them. I will confess I hold this to the gold standard, Harry Potter, in which most of the characters are realized the way I imagined them back in 2000. Jesus, I'm old.

C) This guy is Ares (who should also have more of a role than "uncredited" suggests). While I expected most of the gods to be, well, older (many are not), this guy? God of War? More like God of Donuts and Looking Sorta Like William Shatner.

I don't know, folks. In a period in which Where the Wild Things Are and the Fantastic Mr. Fox are generating Oscar and nostalgia buzz, could we have given this more effort? Am I overthinking it?

British Farmers Have a Lot of Time On Their Hands.

2009-12-03T09:02:00.001-08:00

To the enjoyment of us all. Kudos to Big Bro for the find!

Sheer Poetry

2009-12-01T17:38:00.000-08:00

I really like Christopher Walken, despite really weird stories a friend of mine from junior high used to tell about him (Like that he actually filed his teeth down to points... which must have come in handy in Sleepy Hollow...). She used to lie a lot though, so I took everything with a grain of salt. Please. This man was in a Fatboy Slim video for cry-eye!!

PS- doesn't this interpretation remind you of this version of Rocket Man from Shatner at the 1978 Science Fiction awards (do they still have those? turns out they do)? I have loved this since I first saw it as my poetry final in college. I miss ya, Clewell.

PPS- this just proves how awesome Shatner was...

I Love Cats I Don't Live With

2009-11-30T13:46:00.000-08:00

So You Think You Can Bore Me

2009-11-30T13:05:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would have done it, but I moved So You Think You Can Dance to the bottom of my Tivo Season Pass List, which means it'll only get recorded if nothing else is on. (This is totally my first step to deleting you all together, SYTYCD. Time to step up.)

Is anyone else kind of over it this season? I kind of don't care about the show right now... it's almost like work to watch the shows that backed up on the Tivo in the past few weeks. There's a few things I can attribute to my apathy.

1. Dancer Hype. They have been touting the dancers of Season 6 as THE BEST dancers ever, and frankly, I'm not seeing it. Once Billy Bell left (before the first episode!), I couldn't see anyone that could hold a candle to Katee and Joshua from season 4, or Travis, or Brandon from last year. I feel cheated.

2. Choreographer Burn-Out, or Where the Hell Is Mia? Mia Michaels left the show in rather abrupt fashion, and the dances from the remaining choreographers seem a little...tired. Wade and Travis are still good, but Stacey Tookey's last dance (that I saw) looked like a pale re-make of Travis' heart dance from last season, Sonya is just being Sonya, that woman with the headphones just annoys the heck outta me, and no one likes the Quick-Step. Do I just not know enough about dance to notice when something is plain but technically brilliant? Or do I just not care? This sort of leads me into the last category...

3. Too Soon!! Beginning Season 6 on the heels of Season 5, with overlapping auditions certainly seems to have worn out the judges, and it is apparently beginning to wear on me. I can't tell if So You Think You Can Dance is a show I love in the summer simply because nothing else is on, or if I'm just tired of eating the same meal every night, so to speak. I believe it's a mix of both... my expectations of summer programming are much lower in than fall (it's the difference between watching Merlin and FlashForward, or eating Hamburger Helper vs Filet Mignon- hungry? yes. I am.). I expect repeats, trashy reality tv, and throw-away series that the network decides to give a modest chance. In the fall, I expect new episodes of favorite shows, creative shows with teams of clever writers, and the shows the networks feel are their best bet for a hit. So You Think You Can Dance falls into the mindless summer trashy reality for me.

As for eating the same meal every night...it's too much!! SYTYCD has a run time of 3 hours per week, if you add in the results show. With scores of new programming on each network, devoting 3 hours of my time to one show EACH WEEK is excessive, and has been putting the show last on my tv "to do" list (yes, I actually have one).

Anyone else feel the same?

Time to Celebrate!

2009-11-19T14:08:00.000-08:00

Today is World Toilet Day!! It sounds funnier than it is. It's actually a day to bring awareness to sanitation problems in Third World countries, blah blah blah.

However, I think we should celebrate our porcelain thrones the American way... binge drinking.

PS... this is the scariest toilet I have ever seen. I would hold it.

GUESS WHERE I'M GOING TOMORROW?!?!

2009-11-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

EEEEEEEEE!!! I'm so excited. Storytime! Ahhh London... a place of mystery, a place of wonder, a place where you can STILL see Cats.

Which we did. And then bought the soundtrack on tape. And played it in our room all the time. One particularly giddy night, BFF and I were skipping down the hall of our dorm singing Jellicle Cats. I wish we could say we were drunk or high, but we sure weren't. Just made of awesome.

Our dorm was weird, and had 2 steps up in the middle of the hallway, then 2 steps down about 20 feet away for no reason. As BFF and I tried to skip up the steps, I made it and kept dancing down the hall. BFF... didn't. I turned, because she was no longer by me, and watched in horror as BFF pinballed down the hallway: hitting one wall, and then, desperately trying to right herself, caroming off the other, only to fall in great somersaulting fashion.

I swear TO THIS DAY it happened in slow motion. BFF's eyes never left mine; her face horrified and her head shaking as if to say, "There's no way I can get out of this one." I did nothing to help her... I was too far away. And laughing WAY too hard.

Moral of the story? Never dance down the hall in your shower shoes.

Don't feel too bad for BFF. Later that night, during our only round of blood-sport Frisbee with our friend Gabe, I took a frisbee to the face (I'm not... coordinated). I also fell off the 3 foot garden wall as I was trying to make a super-sweet jump to get the frisbee that had fallen over the side. Didn't quite stick the landing.

News Flash: You're Old.

2009-11-18T11:44:00.000-08:00

Seriously. Who watches wrestling? Who watches old dudes wrestling? There's apparently some people that think this fight was real, but I call shenanigans, as Hulk Hogan (age 56) and Ric Flair (age 60... 60!!!! THAT'S MY DAD'S AGE) have wrestled before...in 1994... and apparently Ric Flair is coming out of retirement. How do I know all this, do you ask? No. I don't watch wrestling. Wikipedia, my friends!

Hazards of Body Piercings.

2009-11-18T10:33:00.000-08:00

Ha ha this picture. We never met that guy before! And yet he was so willing to pose with us for stupid photos. Also... these are the same overalls I was wearing as the last picture... different day. That may even be the same shirt.

Anyway:

BFF never really willingly does embarrassingly stupid things. She leaves that to me. Most of the stories I find hilarious about BFF are things that happen TO her... such as the time (Freshman year, yet again! man... good times) she got her eyebrow pierced.

Getting the piercing was never really the issue. Like any rebellious 18 year old, it was almost her duty to get it (as were the tattoos we got the next year). The real story begins when it became noticeably infected... like dark red streaks running down her face infected.

Let me explain a little bit about BFF. She's very precise, very organized, and very detail-oriented (sidebar: it's very helpful for those with a scattered brain to have someone like this in your life.). You give her directions, she. will. follow. them. So when BFF got directions from Iron Age about keeping her piercing clean and infection-free... you better believe that she followed them TO THE LETTER. Still, despite twice daily cleanings, turnings, and all that other crap you have to do with metal in your face, BFF's eyebrow got super-duper infected.

We've discussed the annoyance of the gift of sight on this blog before. Let me give you, verbatim, the conversation that BFF had with every single person that looked at her:

"Ooh... what happened there?"

"My piercing got infected."

"Hmm... looks like it really hurts!"

"Well, it sure doesn't feel great..."

"Have you been washing it?"

"...yeah."

This happened for about 4 days, until one cold fall day, BFF had enough. Coming into the cafeteria from a late class (Remember late classes? Remember cafeterias? Ours had a make-your-own waffle bar. Delicious.), the conversation with someone at our table started out the normal way:

"Ooh, what happened there?"

"My piercing got infected."

"Hmm... Looks like it really hurts!"

"It doesn't feel great..."

"Have you been washing it?"

Let me interject here with another note about BFF. It takes a long time, but when BFF snaps, it's not pretty. Unless you aren't the person she snaps on. Then it's fucking hilarious.

"NO! I'VE BEEN PISSING ON MY HANDS AND RUBBING IT IN!" *Smacks caf table really fucking hard then walks away*

Honestly, one of the funniest things I've ever heard her say.

The Secret Life of Stormtroopers.

2009-11-17T08:13:00.000-08:00

This guy Stefan, who I think is in France, at least, there's a lot of french in the background, (who should become my French sci-fi watching bestie) is following his Stormtroopers around for a year.

Some of my favorites are below (I really love them all)- take a look at the whole series here.

Duct Tape Is NOT Your Friend, or, How I Learned I'll ALWAYS Need a Bra.

2009-11-16T09:55:00.000-08:00

Man, I clung to those overalls for a looong time. Today's stroll down BFF Memory Lane takes us about a month into our freshman year.

BFF and I went to Webster University... a teeny tiny fine arts school that housed about 800 students when we attended. Since the school was so tiny, and perhaps because of the desire of the population to re-live a happier high school existence (freaks & geeks unite!), Webster had sock hops and dances about twice a quarter. They always had themes... Halloween, Christmas, and, in this particular instance, the Pajama Jammy Jam. It was our first dance, and in a fit of determination to fix my self confidence (well, and try to get laid), I picked up a little "sum'n sexxxy" for the dance on our monthly snack stock-up trip (juice boxes, ramen, and Nutter Butters- staples of college life) to the Kmart with Miles. Awwww yeah.

I picked out a plum-colored satin nighty... longish, not too revealing, just enough to get that "gee, I'd like to tap that" thought in some gentlemen's heads. At least, that's what it looked like on the rack. Remember... this is the '90s, heyday of the "slipdress" (thanks for that one, Princess Di!).

Most of you that read this blog have known me for quite a while, or at least have seen me at some point in your lives. I'm pretty sure you all realized that nothing I'm sporting in the "chestal region" is a recent development. I realized in the store getting a thin-strapped satin nighty was a risky maneuver. But me, I've thought ahead. I'm prepared. I was the recent recipient of a very early viral email (what would later be credited as a cautionary tale) about how to keep the "girls" in check. I drag BFF into the Home Supplies aisle.

BFF: "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Birv: "Pshhhht YES. I mean... you could see it in the picture, but only because her dress was so low-cut. I'm not THAT slutty."

BFF: "How will you keep it from tearing your skin off?"

Birv: "Well... masking tape isn't as sticky as the other stuff. I'll use that by my skin, you know, like volleyball players do (!), and then the duct tape over that to keep them from bouncing around. It'll work, trust me! (The famous last words of anyone embarking on a stupid endeavor.)"

BFF: "Oooookaaay..."

We hustle back to the dorm rooms to get ready for our very first dance. BFF is ready quickly, adorably in a set of cotton jammies. Time for her to help Sultry Susie Birv get ready. The viral email doesn't really show how much tape was used to replace a bra, or how it was put on. Plus, that girl doesn't have tits the size of watermelons to deal with. I decide one strip for "Nip THO Prevention" and cleavage enhancement won't be enough. Best to wrap the whole kit & kaboodle (kabooble?) up, boob tube style, for good measure.

I employ a dubious (and remarkably gracious) BFF to start at my back and start wrapping like a mummy with the masking tape, while I hold the girls in place. We're standing in the middle of my dorm, hoping to god that my roommate doesn't walk in, as this would just take WAY too much explaining. After some awkward moments in which we try to figure out the nipple situation-I end up just taking care of that area myself (To this date, I have never seen BFF's goods. She insists she's seen far too much of mine.)- the masking tape layer is on. It's taken up the entire roll, which doesn't fill me with self-confidence and poise. In fact, it's pretty sweaty, and isn't exactly forming to my body like I envisioned it would; it's lumpy as hell and poking me in the arms when I try to put them at my sides.

Never one to do stupid things in a half-assed manner, I press on. So what if sweat is pooling in my cleavage, as well as dripping down my back? This kind of strapless bra beauty comes at a price. Once the duct tape is on, smoothing everything out- I'll look vixenish and gorgeous. A red-headed Marilyn (hah!). I make BFF start with the mummy wrap one more time.

Laughing the whole time, BFF finishes the job. It's getting hot in my room, and with two rolls of tape on my chest, it's pretty hard to inhale. I have no idea how anyone in their right mind would willingly wear a corset. But still...I'm gonna look friggin' sweet at that dance. I may not be able to sit down or bend over except at right angles (that much tape is actually pretty rigid), and the breathing thing may make it really hard to, you know, actually dance, but still. Who cares? I'm going to meet someone cute! I just know it! (All right, I'll be honest, what was going through my mind is "Tyson will finally notice me! Tyson will finally notice me!" Ahhh.... crushes)

An hour later, I'm ready for the actual nighty. I need assistance getting it on, as I can't lift my arms above my shoulders without serious threat of ripping off my nips (turns out masking tape is stickier than one would think), so BFF helps out. It barely fits over my homemade strapless bra. Never accounted for adding what must have been an inch of tape to my bustline.

It's totally not working. the duct tape only makes the peaks and points of the rest of the tape more prominent, the sweat dripping down my back to my ass is making a spot on my dress the size of Lake Michigan, and now every time I breathe, you can hear a weird crackling noise as the dress rubs across the tape.

BFF is trying to be loyal, and not laugh her ass off. She's failing miserably. I'm trying to convince myself that it is acceptable to go in public looking (and sounding) like an HVAC unit. I am also failing miserably. I finally decide (as sweat begins to work it's way out of my cleavage and I look more and more like a linebacker after a July practice in Florida) to give up on the taping and wear a bra and a sweater. So much for sex kitten appeal. I try to take the tape off.

This proves more difficult than it seems. My body heat has fused the glue of all the tape together. BFF runs to her room, and comes back, sniggering, with a giant pair of scissors (BFF is always prepared), and cuts through what basically adds up to a full torso cast.

Remember how I said I couldn't raise my arms without serious damage? This is nothing, NOTHING compared to trying to pull 80 layers of tape off my boobs. Guess what? That skin is pretty sensitive. And has apparently absorbed the first layer of tape like a she-wolf adopts a foundling boy. IT WILL NOT LET GO.

BFF is now crying laughing, unable to stand. She's now content to watch me suffer in pulling my modern body armor off while lounging in comfort in her Sailor Moon jammies on my bed. I finally get the tape off 1/2 an hour later, and we head to the dance in defeat- my hair 6 inches bigger in a poof of sweaty humidity from my frenzied fight with the tape demons.

Imeet no one (or have anyone notice me) at the party. Probably pretty lucky in that- I have red marks on my boobs for a full week after, and I look like a leper.

Just for shiggles... the viral email that prompted this is below. Enjoy.

I Want to Give You a Hug, Young One!

2009-11-16T09:41:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure it's possible for me to love Glee anymore without exploding. Then I read this. Apparently, last week's diva-off was inspired by real events. According to New York Magazine, Chris Colfer, who plays Kurt (totally would have been my BFF in high school), would petition yearly to sing "Defying Gravity" in school:

"Every year in high school, we’d have this talent show, and every year I’d beg to sing “Defying Gravity” and every year they turned me down because I was a boy and they said it was a girl’s song; and every year I protested, saying that there are no lyrics that indicate gender specification whatsoever, but they’d still turn me down. And one day on set, Ryan Murphy told me he was coming up with a Kurt versus Rachel plotline, and for whatever reason, I started talking about this, and the next thing I know it was in the script. I think it’s a good story; the most terrifying thing was just actually getting to do “Defying Gravity” finally. I thought, Oh crap, I can’t mess this up!"

BOOM. (My head and my heart just exploded.)

This also made me realize how old I am. Colfer listened to Wicked religiously in high school (I love the idea that he may actually have an iPod Shuffle somewhere dedicated entirely to Wicked!), I saw the show well into my twenties. Sigh. Come here little one, I want to ruffle your adorable hair!

Boogedy Boooo....

2009-11-15T12:01:00.000-08:00

I am a chronic commercial avoider, particularly now that the Christmas commercials are now starting to pop up like pot plants in a stoner kid's dorm room closet. I will start every show about 10 minutes in so that I can fast forward through them. However, I stop and watch this commercial every time it comes on. I can't stop laughing! From Peyton Manning's "Fix that. It's disgusting." to JT's "YOU'RE disgusting!"... I haven't been this tickled since Kitten Mittens.

BFF Request!!

2009-11-15T08:57:00.000-08:00

If BFF asks for something, I do it. So when BFF asked for a Storytime Countdown until I visit for New Moon, I was only happy to oblige. We're pretty funny, so I think everyone will enjoy it. If not, well, too bad. It's my blog and I'll post what I want.

Sooooo.... Storytime! We'll start at the beginning- the day BFF and I first met.

Imagine a tender, innocent Birv (Well. More innocent than I am now, anyway. Shut up! Why are you laughing?), her parents just having left after moving her into the dorm. My college fantasy of giggle-filled, slumber party nights with a popular, bouncy ponytailed, cheerleader-type roommate to bring me out of my cynical shell had just been dashed when my roommate Nancy showed up to our room (toting only two laundry bags of clothes and full-size fridge, by the by), and I honestly thought she was her brother. "Oh hey, you must be with Nancy. Aren't you a nice brother to bring that fridge up here?" "I AM Nancy." "oh...." (Not sure where my fantasy came from, as I knew that my alma mater was a gay haven from the college visit. My hag training started EARLY). Anyway, after a brief introduction, Nancy went off- and I'm not making any sort of stereotype joke, I swear to god it's true- to her very first softball practice, and I was left in my room alone.

Webster has some decent dorms- rather than have communal showers in the halls, the rooms are set up suite-style, with two rooms to a bathroom. Not to get overly familiar, but you know how when you're traveling, you're digestion gets a little... off? Well. The time comes for me. I gotta go. I had seen the blonde girl next door moving in with her parents, but, being too shy to do any more than wave, I hadn't spoken to her yet. But her door to the bathroom is open.

Seriously? This is my introduction? Awesome. But... I GOTTA GO. So I can either slam the door in her face without any explanation, or I can tell her why I'm closing the door. My thought process? How bitchy is that girl that just shut the door for no reason?! So the first words I ever speak to BFF are these: "I'm really sorry, and I want to make sure that you know that it's not because I don't want to get to know you, but I'm closing your bathroom door. Because, well, I have to go poop." (Yes, I'm a master of the overshare.)

The reason I know BFF and I were meant to be BFF's? Her response: "I'm so glad you're the first to poop here, because I didn't want it to have to be me!"

A Letter to President Obama

2009-11-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. President,

I know you're really busy killing off the nation's grandmas with your devil managed healthcare, but I have to address a matter of greater importance to us both. Barack, your favorite restaurant and mine, The Dixie Kitchen & Bait Shop in Hyde Park, has been torn down. Now, I know they are still open in Evanston and Lansing. But frankly, Evanston for soul food? Really? Please. We both know that's not an option. Also- I don't even know where Lansing is.

I know the Dixie Kitchen means a lot to you, 'Rack (can I call you 'Rack?), since you went on Check, Please! and talked about it. You may have heard the Calypso Cafe next door bought the menu, but I ate there last night, and they're just ruining it. I know you love those Johnnie Cakes. I do too. THEY AREN'T THE SAME. Now they're just pancakes with cornmeal thrown in. No subtlety. I don't even want to try the peach cobbler. It probably has some sort of rum in it now. Stupid Caribbean food.

B.O. (hey, your initials are sort of funny. Did you get made fun of a lot for that? I get that. My initials are BJ, and boy, some of the things I heard! But I digress.), I'm sure you're pretty tied up turning into Hitler with your socialist agenda (which doesn't make sense to me, I mean sure, Nazi has the word 'socialist' in it, but I don't really think you're up for genoci... WHOA. The grannies. Now I see what they mean!). Anywho, since you're the big guy in Washington, I bet you have some pull now. I see this as a matter worthy of the National Guard.

B-Rock, feel free to leave your updates on your progress this matter in the comments. When it's open again, we can go there together to celebrate, and I'll buy you a pulled pork sandwich. Sound good?

Lots of love,

Birv

PS- I voted for you, so I think that I can call in that favor now.

And the Award for Most Insensitive Song Goes to...

2009-11-13T12:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, that Mel C. From Spice Girls. This is an old song, but I am currently listening to the cd's BFF made following our semester in London a crazy long time ago and swimming in a salty sea of memories. Don't ask how long ago we were in London, that's not polite.

Storytime!! Imagine BFF and I, sitting in our dorm room, quietly doing homework (well... BFF doing homework, I was probably reading Harry Potter and ignoring a mounting deadline) with the radio on. Cue Mel C's If That Were Me. BFF and I continue to be silent, both pretending we're not listening as the song gets increasingly ridiculous. Finally, as Mel C sings the best line of the song, "Is it your hope that keeps you warm?", BFF shouts out "No, but a fucking BLANKET might!" and goes back to reading without a further sentence.

This is a snapshot into the love I have for BFF.

I Think She's Smuggling Heroin In There

2009-11-12T15:32:00.000-08:00

Amy Before:

Amy After:

Also... GAH! Aside from the new Serena-Boobs (Gossip Girl reference... HEY-O! By the way... threesomes? 18 year olds? Is this the new college thing?)... the woman is made from cocaine-covered matchsticks.

Play It Like You Did Last Night!

2009-11-12T15:17:00.000-08:00

Are you immune to the charms of BB Bunny? Must not be a hard core criminal.

HA! That's What You Get for Wearing That Scary-Ass Mask.

2009-11-11T16:53:00.000-08:00

Y'all know how I feel about masks. I could barely stand to post this. But then...

Did She Just Pull an Ewok Out of Her Purse?

2009-11-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

Oh, I think she did. That's right everyone, as I was at the Walgreens yesterday picking up toilet paper, what did I see in the aisle before me? Well.. Christmas decorations, but that's hardly the point. (Sidebar: can't we have Thanksgiving before we start rolling out the yard reindeer? PLEASE?) Anyway... I saw the Snuggie for Dogs. I think it's possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, but I have to say, it's probably the only thing that Daisy would ever wear. She frigging LOVES blankets. To have her very own? She'd look about as excited as that golden retriever does.

I sort of wish that they didn't pitch it as an alternative to the doggie sweater (props for the opening poem). I wish that they had the guts to say "Is your dog as lazy as you? (yes!) Do you both lay on the couch watching TV and reading all day? (Why...it's our idea of a perfect day!!) Let your dog waste away in the same comfort you do while you catch up back episodes of Eastwick and Ghost Whisperer!" Ok. That last part may be a little too targeted to me. But still. Better, no?

Buy my dog one here.

(Sidebar #2... is everyone as charmed as I am by the little dog falling asleep in its Snuggie? I could watch that all day! It looks so happy!)

Did You Miss Me?

2009-11-07T10:28:00.000-08:00

I missed you guys. I could explain what happened to me for the last month, but it's a very sensitive subject involving alien abductions, zombie slave trades on the black market and pirates. I escaped, but barely.

Rest assured, the hiatus is over. Soon, you will be able to get your fill of tween gossip and Twilight news.

Need Another Ribbon On The Back of Your Car?

2009-09-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

It is my goal to one day cover my car entirely in empty causes. The Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation is surely one of them. An "informal support group for problems that were the result of traumatic experiences at petting zoos as children", the CGTF is doing some important work. (Yes, I know it's fake).

Petting zoos are scary!! Frankly... I've had more run-ins with camels than goats (due to the unfortunate camel toe incident at the Creation Museum), but frankly, that experience just showed me that all creatures are not God's creatures, no matter what the religious far right says.

On that subject... wouldn't you expect more religious people to be environmentalists?

Buy a t-shirt here. They're pretty funny.

Favorite Glee Moment: Dedicated to BFF and her Nasty Nati Crew

2009-09-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

Why can't all football have this?

This Is How You Should Know the Obama "Single Moms" Grant Isn't Real

2009-09-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

I'm just spitballing here... but I would think you'd want to show enterprising young moms with kids in the park, having a debtfree picnic on a sunny day, not baby's first exposure to crack rocks.

Best Line of the Night

2009-09-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

Was really tough, actually. I did like "Josh Groban is an angel sent from heaven to deliver us platinum records!" Also- announcement, we have a convert... someone texted me last night that they are starting to enjoy the show. Your anonymity is safe with me, so long as you'd like me to keep it private. But I totally know you want all the songs I've downloaded so far (like 10).

RIP, Johnny.

2009-09-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

Cancer sucks. I'll miss you, Patrick Swayze!!

Who Watched So You Think You Can Dance Last Night?

2009-09-10T11:47:00.001-07:00

I did!!!! Even though it feels like it's only been about 12 hours since the last season, I'm excited all over again. Especially because it feels like the show is hinting that tap will finally break it's way onto the SYTYCD stage. Did anyone else catch the reference to Singin' In The Rain last night?

If you heard that one tapper reference "Moses Supposes" and aren't the musical geek that I am, the clip above is what he was talking about. I, for one, am excited... I love Mia Michaels, but I'm starting to get sick of all the chest-grabbing contemporary solos.

Best Line of the Night...

2009-09-10T06:47:00.000-07:00

This, dear friends, is why I love this show.

It's Here! It's Here! It's Finally Here!!!

2009-09-09T06:43:00.000-07:00

09/09/09.... which is exciting, but not as exciting as the premiere of new Glee episodes!!!!! I'm all aflutter.

I have all sorts of posts for Fonzipanners... more tonight, my lovelies!

Happy International Bacon Day!

2009-09-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

Today is the day we salute the candy of meat, hot crispy DELICIOUS bacon. That's right, it is officially International Bacon Day today!

How will you celebrate? Cleaning your teeth and stanking your breath with Bacon Floss?

Perhaps reading some Bacon Haikus:

Samuel L. Jackson
Told us he don’t dig on swine
Career has flagged since.

How about becoming a member of the Royal Bacon Society?

Me, I'm tossing on a bacon bra and hitting the town. Stick that in your pan and fry it! No, seriously, I would rather have my bacon bra cooked.

See you at the Golden Nugget for breakfasty delights!

By Popular Request

2009-09-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

Seriously- I'm so glad I can bring my television shame to all of you!! Premiere dates and networks are listed, please bear in mind I have no real cable. If you want to be cooler than me and add your own list, take a look at a Fall Schedule here.

What's so sad about this? This doesn't even include mid-season replacements (V! I know you're coming, with all your Alan Tudyk glory).

Highlighted are new shows I'm interested in, without Glee, since y'all know how I feel about it. Let's have a breakdown:

The Forgotten:

The Synopsis: "In the United States, the remains of 40,000 people haven't been identified. When police investigations reach a dead end, civilian volunteers across the country work to name -- the forgotten."

Why I Am Watching: Christian Slater. How do I love thee? The many ways a Heather died. After his last tv venture My Own Worst Enemy failed, I'm happy to see him get another chance. Who doesn't love Jack Nicholson lite?

The Good Wife:

The Synopsis: "THE GOOD WIFE is a drama starring Emmy Award winner Julianna Margulies as a wife and mother who must assume full responsibility for her family and re-enter the workforce after her husband's very public sex and political corruption scandal lands him in jail. Pushing aside the betrayal and crushing public humiliation caused by her husband Peter (Chris Noth), Alicia Florrick (Margulies) starts over by pursuing her original career as a defense attorney."

Why I'm Watching: Aside from the great cast, including Chris Noth and Josh Charles (Dead Poet's Society!!), I think that the time is ripe to explore what happens to a family in the aftermath of a political scandal: Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Sanford... the list goes on. What happens to the woman that stands stoically at their side?

The Beautiful Life:

The Synopsis: "The life of a high-fashion model appears glamorous and sexy, but as every new model learns, behind the beautiful facade is a world of insecurity and cut-throat competition."

Why I'm Watching: This is guaranteed to be a shambolic delight of a show. All the juicy drama of a Gossip Girl, with eating disorders and crazytown Mischa Barton... I'm there!

Eastwick:

The Synopsis: "A mysterious man bestows unique powers to three women."

Why I'm Watching: Are you kidding? It's Witches of Eastwick. IN A SHOW.

Vampire Diaries:

The Synopsis: "Two vampire brothers - one good, one evil - are at war for Elena's soul in the small town of Mystic Falls, Virginia. Based on the series of books by L. J. Smith."

Why I'm Watching: Why wouldn't I watch the CW jump on the Vampire train? Apparently it's Twilight and True Blood lite all rolled into one. Plus, Boone from Lost! We'll see how long I watch this one, but I'm intrigued at least.

Flash Forward:

The Synopsis: "A mysterious global event causes everyone to black out simultaneously for two minutes and seventeen seconds, and each person sees a glimpse of their lives six months from now. When they wake up, everyone is left wondering if what they saw will actually happen."

Why I'm Watching: This is the show I'm actually most excited about beyond Glee. Aside from having Joseph Fiennes (le sigh), Jack Davenport and Dominic Monaghan (Lost!), the premise is a Lost-esque sci-mystery based on Robert J. Sawyer's novel (in the novel, the time jump is 20 years... which makes more sense in a book, I'm not sure I'd notice a difference in 6 months. I'd still be watching the same shows).

Community:

The Synopsis: "From Dan Harmon ("The Sarah Silverman Program") and Emmy Award-winning directors Joe and Anthony Russo ("Arrested Development") comes "Community," a smart comedy series about a band of misfits who attend Greendale Community College. At the center of the group is Jeff Winger (Joel McHale, "The Soup"), a fast-talkin' lawyer whose degree has been revoked. With some help from his fellow classmates, Winger forms a study group who eventually learn more about themselves than their course work."

Why I'm Watching: Joel McHale! Plain and simple.

Brothers:

The Synopsis: "Starring Michael Strahan (“FOX NFL Sunday”) and Daryl “Chill” Mitchell (“Ed,” “Veronica’s Closet”), BROTHERS is a new half-hour comedy about a former NFL hot shot who learns that even though you can always go home again, the trip back might be tougher than you think."

Why I'm Watching: Michael Strahan, meh. Let's talk about continually funny Daryl "Chill" Mitchell, whom I've loved since GalaxyQuest. Paralyzed from the waist down in a motorcycle accident in 2001, I'm excited to see him in his own, deserved, series. I'm not sure how long I'll watch, but I'm excited to see him in more than a one-off guest spot.

In Case You Wondered Just How Lame I Am...

2009-09-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

We all know that Birv loves her some tv. I'd like to think it was partly my job to watch it, having this blog and all. (It's not, but let me have my delusions, mmmkay?) Pointing out just how much of a loser I am, I actually wrote down my new fall tv schedule yesterday. What? I like to be organized!

Then I counted up all the hours of tv on it- a breathtaking 25... 29 if you count the shows I WANT to watch, but are on at the same time as other ones (Thursday nights! What am I going to do with you??). 29 hours...in one week. What has Tivo done to me???

The fact that I actually harbored some resentment to the networks for scheduling four shows at the 7pm CST hour on Thursdays should disgust me... but it doesn't. Just writing about it here makes me a little angry all over again. How do I choose? I know I could watch the shows I miss on the internet or wait for them on Netflix, but dammit, I want to watch them NOW! Anyone else having scheduling difficulties? Am I the only one that will admit to how much tv I actually watch?

This, dear friends, is why I do not upgrade my cable.

The Double Down... When You've Just Given Up.

2009-08-27T08:58:00.001-07:00

Behold the KFC Double Down. Kudos to KFC for taking the FatAss crown from Burger King by openly admitting that bread is for suckers when it comes to making a sandwich. How drunk do you have to be to not be ashamed to order this?

Then again, according to a study I saw on my elevator tv this morning, people that are 80 pounds or more overweight are more likely to die 3-12 years sooner than those of a normal weight. Seriously... look at it here at USA Today. So I'm busting my ass to die at 80 instead of 92.

Screw that noise. It's not like I get to be 22 again... so I miss 12 years of osteoporosis and Medicare. BFD! Double Down... I'm coming for your cheesy embarrassment! Look out!

Image from Food Geekery.com

Sweden Does It Right!!

2009-08-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

Except for the terrifying little Monster mascot at the end. Also- that street looked sorta filthy. I will suffer to be in a flash mob, but I'm not sure I want to be covered in little kid urine and old cotton candy.

Destroying Your Dog's Dignity, One Walk at a Time.

2009-08-25T15:08:00.000-07:00

Really- should you own a dog in the first place?

Product Site full of helpful FAQ's and excellent grammar here. See below!

Can owner use the "PooTrap" always when walking their dog out?
When dog is having diarrhea, or if the owner just don't feel like taking the "PooTrap" off the dog, feel free to keep the "PooTrap" on the dog.

Petting Is Passe

2009-08-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

BAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I can't even begin to discuss how awesome this woman and her cat are. I lost it when she starts talking about "droolers not being someone that fixes a watch", but I couldn't even watch when she starts singing to that drugged cat.

Is "Twi-Babies: The Animated Series" Cartoon Coming Next?

2009-08-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

People.com's StyleWatch is showing us the true extent of Twi-fever... Barbie has now gotten a piece of the pie with Edward and Bella (she kind of just looks like a regular Barbie!) dolls, at $25 a pop, available November 1st. It's like action figures for goth kids! I do like that Ken... er... Edward has the sexhair, although it looks like it's just molded plastic. How are the kiddies going to run their grubby fingers through it?

Emo non-threatening undead love is also low-hanging fruit for Hallmark, who have a series of greeting cards covering all the important vampire holidays... Valentines Day, Halloween (!) and Birthdays.

E! Online shows the line here: please go take a look so you can see "Let's go trick or treating in Forks, Washington! I hear there's a lot of eye-candy there!"

I Have Watched This 40 Times In The Last Hour.

2009-08-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

It's still funny.

Hey! Hey Alan! HEY!

2009-08-18T09:29:00.000-07:00

And for those of you who AREN'T familiar with RPG's. (Sis-in-law... I know how you love the talking animals, this is for you! Thanks for the weekend at the lake house!)

That's a Mighty Big Sword You're Holding...

2009-08-18T09:12:00.001-07:00

For those of you that are hip to the online RPG's...

Watch The Guild here!

Leave My Scissors Alone: A Celebration of International Left Handers Day

2009-08-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

That's right, mo-fos. Today is International Left Handers Day! Forget being gay, black or a woman... you want to know what the real minority is? LEFTIES!! Seriously, have you ever tried to sign something with those stupid pens on a chain with your left hand? It NEVER reaches!

Don't even get me started on serrated knives.

Look out, though... we now have a gun club and a scholarship, so we're armed with knowledge AND a semi-automatic.

So go kiss your favorite lefty today! (Hint: It's me!)

Dancing Thursdays Has a New SPONTANEOUS Public Dance!

2009-08-13T08:20:00.001-07:00

That's right, Fonzipanners... we all know I love me some flash mobs. One question... why can't flashmob producers learn to operate a freaking camera? You're clearly planning this well in advance. Take some time to scope out some good locations for hidden cameras. Plus, there's this thing called a ZOOM lens... use it! This is a promotion that occurred in Times Square last week to promote Chris Kattan's new show on IFC, Bollywood Hero. Is he Indian? Whatever. Apparently he plays himself as he goes to Mumbai for a leading role in a Bollywood film.

Sorta wish I got IFC... that looks like it has promise. Plus, now that we have a few weeks between So You Think You Can Dance seasons (September 9th!), I have a glaring hole in my Wednesday and Thursday night tv schedules. You can only watch so many re-run episodes of House to fill the void.

While we're on the subject of So You Think You Can Dance... I think we've all watched the finale... what did you all think? Once Janette was out of the running for top 4, I lost my vote for number one. I wanted a girl to win, as in the 5 years the show's been running, there was only one female winner, the deserving Sabra. So in one respect, I was happy to see versatile, though less talented Jeanine win.

Let's be honest- Janette should have won. She had the personality, the talent and (I thought) the following to win it all...however, I think the judges praise lost her the crown. Once someone starts becoming a star in the judges eyes, it's like they lose their shine for the audience.

All in all, I'm glad Evan didn't win. He was so outmatched on the stage, and I think even he knew it.

In honor of Janette, my favorite dance with her in it is below, a glaring omission from the finale's recap of the best dances of the season.