Friday, November 11, 2011

My Dog's Involvement in the Russian Mafia.




Daisy had a business trip to Volgograd, and she wanted to take a side trip. She met a Dancing Bear, Geoff, during her stint in the circus as a tightrope walker and part-time clown, and when Geoff was forced to retire after an ugly incident involving the trapeze artist, the bearded lady, and the cotton candy machine, he moved back to take care of his dead grandmother’s “roommate” (everyone Geoff knew always thought it was her lover, but no one would come clean on the issue) in small-town Russia. Sadly, Daisy got snowed in at Geoff’s dead granny’s lover’s house in Frolovo, and the truck in the front yard never worked. No one knows why they decided to keep it… only that there must be some sort of happy memory involved. In order to make it through the deep snow, Geoff gave Daisy his granny’s old hunting cap and a couple pairs of her boots; despite Maria’s protests. Geoff let Daisy know that the old girl was getting on in years and her memory was terrible anyway, so after a few hours, she wouldn’t miss them.
Geoff was able to contact a friend of a friend, Steven, who had a snowmobile, and was willing to take Daisy back to Volograd, so that she could make her 4 pm meeting. Daisy doesn’t really like to talk about that snowmobile ride, so I think something must’ve happened with Steven, but she won’t tell me what. All she’ll say is she made it in time, and not to worry about it.





Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I'd Like to Kick Yesterday In the Gooch For You.

I dedicate this post to you, AlsoBeth. However, I'm an emotional misfit, and I have no great words of wisdom to make what happened not suck. 

With that being said, I give you this picture of a really tiny monkey.


You're #1 in my book!!!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

What Is Wrong With People?

WHY DO I KEEP FINDING THINGS THAT TERRIFY ME????

I found the video above a couple of months ago... and I have been sharing it with everyone, because I am convinced that it's like The Ring- if I don't share it, I WILL BE KILLED BY THE SCARY BABY FACE.
NOW I Am Your Grandma has been replaced by a new terror... Going To The Store. Thanks a lot, world!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Bully Target.

Is Martha Stewart running out of ideas or something?  I have this mental image of Martha, finally out of ideas for Good Things after all these years, huddled into the corner of her root cellar, rocking back and forth amidst hundreds of jars of hand-crafted preserves and carefully, beautifully tied bundles of dried herbs from her own garden, weeping softly, praying to the crafty gods for ONE MORE IDEA.



And then they give her this.
You know why this little girl looks so unhappy?  Because Martha Stewart pinned a stupid penny to her sweet-ass corduroy jacket.

Who the hell would make this for their kid?? This isn't a clever craft!

Normally, I look at Martha Stewart crafts like this....


...and say "Wow... that looks like she bought that. Mine would look like I cut off a cow's tail and strapped it around my middle."  Then I feel all shitty about myself and my crafting ability and go make a picture with Elmer's Glue and an assload of glitter.  (The more glitter you use, the less shame you feel!!)


But that penny ribbon pin? WTF?  Thanks for leveling the playing field, Martha. If you need me, I'll be bedazzling Darth Vader's head on a t-shirt.

AHEM.