What Rock Have I Been Living Under?

Why have I not found this website before?? Normally, a blog about handsome men would be something that would practically be beamed into my subconscious upon its first entry, and I would wake from a dead sleep to find it. Somehow, this one missed my radar.

Go visit Swoonworthy. It'll make your day. I swear.

I know I'm supposed to give you a storytime post, BFF, and I want you to know I'm working on it, but I had to share this. I know you understand.

PS: That's Andrew Lincoln. I love him, and The Walking Dead, the zombie apocalypse show in which he is currently starring. I really need to get cable.

I AM NOT YOUR MONKEY!!!

Here is a picture of Kennedy, wearing part of Big Bro's costume last night. She looks so pissed!!!!

Reason #4278 Why Our Family Shouldn't Have Children... Sissy, you may consider living things your own personal dolls, but I couldn't call Child Services on you- this is way too funny to me.

I hope everyone has some great Halloween plans this weekend, and if there are any pictures I deem attractive enough, I will happily post some of me as a gnome. I just found out Big Bro is a fairy and Sissy is Peter Pan, so apparently we'll have some gender-queer fairyland going on tomorrow.

Happy Halloween, and may you never cross paths with this terrifying creature.

Grab Your Hankies

The readers of this blog have surely heard of the It Gets Better Project, which stands up against bullying and advocacy for openly gay teens.

I love the project, not only for what it can give to young gay people, but really, what it can give to anyone that never fit in. As someone who jokes that her college was where the freaks and geeks of high school finally managed to find somewhere where they could fit in, I think that this project is so important in the digital world, where kids have literally no place where they can get away from their "social status", or whatever you want to call it. Facebook, texting, IM's, Skype, blogs, YouTube... none of this was around when I was in school. It was hard enough then, and I can't even imagine what it must be like to try and create your own self-image while facing constant speculation and judgment of who other people think you're supposed to be.

So I'm already a huge supporter of It Gets Better, and then this came along, by way of BFF. I made the mistake of watching this at work, and sobbed like a baby. It is so beautiful, and what a powerful message: the song starts with one man, and grows, and grows, and family and friends step in, all to show that it DOES GET BETTER.

Watch it, watch it again, and then share it.

Some Things Really Bring Out the Twelve Year Old In Me.

In my search for awesome quilting fabrics, I came across a really great site for Japanese prints, which are super well made and really, REALLY cute. The nieces, aka the petrie dishes, for their uncanny ability to make me sick every time I see them are getting some of these prints by Heather Ross in my over zealous forays into the world of quilting. The quilt tops are actually turning out pretty nice- you will get photos of them soon... unless they turn out horrible after I quilt them.

The website is called SuperBuzzy, and I love their variety. I also love that they posted this photo of this note pad, which puts a whole new spin on Little Red Riding Hood, don't you think? I am totally going to get this notepad- I totally hope that the story continues in this poorly translated form throughout the whole thing. It adds to how damned cute the pictures are, in my opinion.

BFF- I already know what you're thinking, and STOP. You aren't allowed to buy yourself anything from this website. I've got you covered, love.

I Swear This Isn't an All Muppet Blog.

I just love the little suckers so much!! Judging by the 4.6 million and counting hits this has had, I imagine most people have seen this, but this video combines two pop-culture items I love- the Old Spice Guy and Sesame Street. Besides, you get a twofer post today!! I know you love that.

Moo.

Get Your Boobies Out, It's HALLOWEEN!

That time is upon us- the time to dress as slutty as possible in public. All in the name of Halloween. I take full part in it- I was a slutty pirate last year (when else can one wear a petticoat??), and some costumes make sense in a slutty concept: sexy cop, sexy schoolgirl. However, when you begin dressing up mundane items to be sexy, I just don't understand it. So today we're showing my top 10(ish) trends in weird slutty costumes. (Up top is Brian from Family Guy. It doesn't make much sense to me either, because you know, you don't look like him at all.)

This one isn't really a weird theme, flappers make sense in slutty, so it's more like a bonus post. I just feel the need to say that there are some bold ass women out there. This is sheer. WHAT KIND OF PARTY ARE YOU ATTENDING, MADAM??

Another bonus post: Magazine. I actually think this is HILARIOUS. I saw some others that are fine art too, which are unfortunately sold out, because otherwise I would totally do the Mona Lisa.

Sexy Board Games. Yeah, nothing's sexier than SCRABBLE. OOH,Triple Word Score me, baby!

Sexy Olive Oyl. Isn't the whole point of Olive Oyl that she ISN'T sexy?

Sexy Mrs. Potato-head. Really? I mean... REALLY?

Sexy Strawberry Shortcake. My childhood is ruined!!! (I seriously LOVED Strawberry Shortcake. I had the Atari game, where you had to make the Purple Pie Man nice, I dressed up (non-sexily) as S.S's cat, Custard one year, and one of my favorite movies was when she went to the Big Apple City. I also had one of the blow-kiss dolls- remember those? They would kiss you, and it would smell like strawberries.) But bonus points to the manufacturer for having the berry gang: Apple Dumplin', Blueberry Muffin and Lemon Merengue are all for sale. Okay. You caught me. If they weren't almost $60 I'd probably be Blueberry Muffin. I like her hat.

Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Apparently my age group is the target demo for sexy costumes right now... but must we destroy our childhood memories? Wait. On second thought, take TMNT. Go 'head.

Sexy Pac-Man Ghost. This really isn't a stand-alone costume... it makes way more sense if there are 4 or 5 of you running around in these.

Beer Pong. My main problem with this is that outside of the ping pong ball necklace and the quote, which also appears on the butt of this dress, "Don't forget to wash your balls" (heh), it doesn't really have anything to do with beer pong. Call me a purist, but it's cheating if you have to tell someone what you are because really, you're basically wearing a condom.

Recycling. Kind of like Beer Pong, it's very difficult to dress up as a concept for Halloween. How do you explain what you are when someone asks? "I'm recycling." "Are you a superhero?" "No, I'm recycling." "Are you from like, a movie?" "No, I'm RECYCLING. tuh."

The Man In The Canoe. Slutty Costumes- not just for girls anymore! I will admit, this one made me laugh. Wait for it... it'll come to you.

Sexy Nemo. Disney is cute on your kid, disturbing on you.

Number one with a bullet: Anna Rexia. The irony that this comes in plus sizes actually makes it sort of funny.

THIS JUST IN: Brett Favre's Pecker a Banana

Oh those wacky Asians. I loved the Flight Attendant Movie, but I have to say NextMedia's animated news story about Brett Favre's dirty birdy scandal is even better. Banana texts? Heart-eyes on the football field? Awesome.

My favorite part has to be the "NFL officials" looking into the scandal- and apparently checking out porn after doing a keg stand. NFL headquarters... party party party!!

I'll be honest, I don't like Brett Favre as a person... but I'm not sure I would be offended by any lewd texts from him.

Who Is Coming With Me?

The Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago is running a Muppet/Jim Henson exhibit through January. I. MUST. GO.

Fraggle Rock will be there! KERMIT THE FROG!!! HANDS ON ACTIVITIES!!!!! I might be able to make my own Muppet! Do you understand the joy here? Cat-fish gets it. She's the one that pointed this out. As such, she may be the one I drag with me to the museum.

If any of the Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas characters are there, my head might just explode.

Fair warning, I will be running around like a kid with ADHD hopped up on sugar. Mainly because that's actually what I am.

You're a Bitch, Jenny Craig.

Photo On Box:

Real Pizza:

I hate you, Jenny Craig.

Could I See a Muppet Eric Northman, Please?

Oh Sesame Street, you will never cease to entertain me, til the day I die.

ME WANT NOW!!!!!!

So the first Deathly Hallows trailer made me gasp and get chills all over. THIS one literally had me holding the sides of my computer screen with my face two inches away from the monitor. The mirror shard! DOBBY! The beach scene! Nagini the snake! The Lotsa Potters!

This trailer has turned me into Cookie Monster. ME WANT TO SEE NOW!

Don't worry if you have no idea what I'm talking about. I won't give it away. You should have been reading the books this whole time, but now isn't a time for me to judge you. It is time to welcome you into the fold...because if this movie doesn't get you to read the books, nothing will.

I Want to Take Your Place, JLo!

Lenny Kravitz, JLo (who is clearly sitting in my spot), Bradley Cooper, my girlfriend Christina Hendricks and NPH?! WHAT?!? According to the Daily Mail, this momentous event of awesome took place at the Tommy Hilfiger show over the weekend for Fashion Week. I won't lie, I'm a little jealous, even though I never liked Tommy Hilfiger. It's probably best I'm not there, because I have every confidence that I would make a total ass of myself. I'd be trying to hold Bradley Cooper's hand and making weird noises to attract NPH's attention... and possibly reaching behind that guy with his head turned to pet Lenny Kravitz's closely shaven head.

It's generally best if I'm not allowed in public.

Side note: what the hell, Bradley Cooper? We need to discuss how you're buttoning that jacket.

So far, Fashion Week has been mostly normal. Granted, I haven't taken a look through the Couture Collections yet... always rife for strangeness.

All photos from the Daily Mail.

Nice Ride.

Twin Lakes, Wisconsin- a tiny hamlet with excitement for all.

There is a flea market near Sissy and Big Bro's lake house that is truly an experience that shouldn't be missed. Not only is it your one stop shop for anything from a full set of BetaMax movies to terrifying clown dolls, but I have seen, on more than one occasion, a truly impressive set of truck balls (Not familiar? Why, you have hardly lived a full life. Check it out.) in the parking lot, and there's a lady that drives around in a golf cart selling to-go Fuzzy Navels and Bloody Mary's. You never want for entertainment and strange used things from other people's homes.

When Big Bro showed this picture he took at last weekend's flea market to me last night, I had to share immediately.


Cute kid, right? (Gladiator sandals! They're EVERYWHERE!) Let's pull back on the scene.

All together... awwwwwwww. And... hahaha! I mean, That little girl has gotta be just out of the stroller herself- in my imagination, they take turns pushing each other. Still- let's pull out on the whole scene, shall we?

I like to think that the look in Grandma #1's eyes here is a little jealousy upon seeing the set-up that Grandma #2 is rockin'.

Let's look at that sweet ride one more time.


I always used to envision myself as a silly old lady tooling around on a lollipop-colored scooter wearing a crazy big helmet like The Great Gazoo, but I think I have just gotten a glimpse at my future destiny.

The Digital Version of Having Fun In a Paper Bag.

An illustrated transcript of a text conversation between BFF and I:

Birv: Blech. Sometimes I just wish I had someone that followed me around and gave me manly, reassuring hugs. I need one today!

BFF: Me too! Who would you hire?

Birv: Good question! Definitely someone older... for some reason this brand of hug needs to have some manly experience behind it. I'd vote either Jon Hamm or Nathan Fillion. You?



BFF: I love Nathan. But I got to go with my heart on this and say Scooby Douche. Those arms would pop a baby like a balloon.

(Scooby Douche is the one on the right. He is on Ghost Hunters. I do not know his actual name. BFF, despite vowing to marry him someday, doesn't either.) CORRECTION: Scooby Douche is on Ghost Adventures...(Not having cable, and knowing there are 700,000 paranormal shows on those reality channels, I was forced to choose one...mainly because I am lazy and opening a separate web page to Google the real name would just be so. much. work.) Cat-fish has become even more awesome in my eyes with her knowledge of the stupid crap that I fill my days with- thank you for making me not feel like a total loser by knowing who I am talking about!

Birv: I bet he smells like Calvin Klein Obsession and Strawberry protein smoothie.

BFF: Yes! And hair salon.

Birv: New game! What do our favorite men smell like? Alexander Skarsgaard. Go.

BFF: Leather! And musk. NPH!

Birv: White tic tacs, fresh baked bread and magic. Joel McHale!

BFF: Mmmmmm! Oatmeal, Abercrombie Woods and whiskey. Obama!

Birv: New books, bonfire and Irish Spring Soap. Puck!


BFF: Suntan lotion, pot and dollar bills. Seth MacFarlane.


Birv: New Car, Colgate and the faintest hint of Acqua di Gio. Joseph Gordon Levitt!

BFF: Spearmint Gum, Cedar and honeysuckle. He has a touch of girly something.

Birv: Agreed. A little something sweet!

BFF: Rick Moranis.


Birv: Old Spice, Coffee and vintage comic book. Bill Murray.

BFF: YES! Especially the coffee! Cold cream, cigarette enhanced tweed and wood shavings. RPatz.

Birv: Stale cigarettes, well-used shoes and laundry that's been left in the washer too long. Zachary Levi!
For the record, this photo is proof that nerds are hot. PHWOAR!

BFF: Aftershave, vanilla and Endust for electronics. George Clooney!

Birv: Espresso, rosemary and shoe polish. Conan O'Brien.

BFF: Polyester, TUMS and mashed potatoes.



It may be important to note that this went on for three solid hours and 154 texts before we realized we should probably really focus on work.

Join the game!

Can You Get Too Old For Puppets?

Frankly, if it is a Muppet, no. No you can't. Which is why I am WAY TOO EXCITED about the fact that you can Muppet Yourself.

Create your own Muppet WhatNot here at the FAO Schwartz Muppet WhatNot Workshop... and while you're at it, pretty please with sugar on it, buy me one too!!

As Summer Draws To A Close...

The upcoming weekend is Labor Day, the signal for back-to-school and the end of summer. As a salute to my least favorite season (the sweating!), I think it's time to do a little "Don't Be a Slave to Fashion!" recap. There's a reason that every company sends out the dress code reminder at the beginning of June... there are a lot of pitfalls in summer clothing options.

Below are the top trends from this summer that I just can't get over, and after working at various street festivals all summer long, I couldn't get away from.

First up... shoes!

I'm not a huge fan of the Gladiator sandal, though (perhaps through sheer overexposure) I have acknowledged they have a place in the world. But this type of shoe, (this particular one is the BCBGeneration Kija)... I just don't get it. Is it a boot? Is it a sandal? Does it make your ankle sweat? I implore you, ladies, think of the tan lines!

While we're at it with the feet:

Legwarmers/Kneehighs with sandals/clogs/any footwear and shorts/skirts/etc. is wrong. I thought we finally all agreed to this. Have we not, for generations, been discussing the faux pas of our fathers and grandfathers wearing sandals with socks? Let's not confuse things here. When it comes to it, I suppose I'd rather you wear the boot/sandal monster above than this look.

From bottom to top:

One of the main reasons I hate summer is what it does to my hair. It's not really fun to go three months looking like a sweaty troll doll. While I suppose these hippie-redux headbands WOULD keep my hair from reaching maximum lift-off, I also hate the feeling of my damp hair plastered to the side of my face, and I can't see how this does anything but add to the problem.

The Boyfriend Tee:



I add this with a caveat; I like feminized menswear, and am actually a fan of the whole "boyfriend shirt" trend, when done right. However, I feel it should be noted that SHIRTS ARE NOT DRESSES.

Ladies, Vanessa Hudgens can not pull off this look, and we are not Vanessa Hudgens. Where are your pants? I have seen everything from the teenytiny jorts, which I am not a fan of, but will at least accept that you are somewhat aware of being in public, to the oblivious full moon that leads me to believe that it's not a few girls taking fashion to an unfortunate place, and that the shirt-as-solo is a full-on trend.

A note: if your shirt barely covers your cheeks while standing straight up, wear something underneath it. I think I speak for a grateful Chicago when I say we don't want to see your nethers when you bend over to pick up the food tickets you dropped while buying your big ass turkey leg.

Additional sidebar on this rant, $50 plus is too much to spend on a lumpy t-shirt. Please go get an XXXL from Hanes if you are so obliged.

From mini to maxi:


I add this as an homage to Sissy, who really hates this look. I don't, though I think, as with the Boyfriend Trend, strict rules apply. If you are using the maxi dress as a modern muumuu, seek help. If you fail the Pencil Test, WEAR A BRA.

Actually, two birds, one stone: this rule ties in nicely with the yearly nightmare of tube tops...unflattering on everyone. Always pulling them up, sagging issues, certain anatomy looking like flapjacks. Who likes that swampy feeling under there? What if you get sweat marks?! I speak from experience that the sisters should be contained, for your own sake. Halters are just not for us, mmkay?

I suppose that's the moral of this post altogether: just because it's out there, it doesn't mean you have to wear it. Don't be a slave to fashion! Some things shouldn't be worn by women over the age of 25 (Forever 21, I am looking at you.) Some things don't fit your body, no matter what size they come in. Some things really are meant for you to wear at home (yes you, rompers!)...at least if you're over the age of 5. A Birv rule of thumb: If you are constantly adjusting yourself- pulling something up, pulling something down, taking off and immediately putting back on- it's not flattering on you.