Stop Calling My Vagina a Kitty, It's Been Around For Years.

I can't seem to get away from the poon this week. I was up last night, suffering a bout of insomnia that I was trying to kill with a bottle of wine, and hoping to find some good infomercials to share with you all. Instead, I came across the "Hail to the V" campaign by Summer's Eve... which I had thought was only an online nightmare. After all, the internet was invented for pussy, right?

In case you don't know, here's the "Hail to the V" campaign.  There used to be more, which included talking hands posing as racially stereotyped vaginas. You'll have to imagine what I'm talking about though, because happily, Summer's Eve removed those ads within two weeks of being posted; likely because the comments on their YouTube channel were overwhelmingly negative.  Because that's what every woman wants, a talking vagina.  IT'S WHIMSICAL, BITCHES!

So... yeah. I get it, you have a dying product. People don't douche anymore... and I certainly don't feel the need to buy a whole separate soap for my cooter. So why not try the last ditch effort, the shock & awe campaign?  The swan song of advertisers... when all else fails, at least get people talking about you. Which is working- I'm writing about you.  It still doesn't mean that I'm going to buy your douche. (Side rant: Not buying your product doesn't mean I don't love my vagina.  Nice try with the guilt advertising though.)

So now Summer's Eve only has one commercial on their YouTube Channel... Men fighting for some tang. They have a point... Helen of Troy. Cleopatra. Guinevere. Well. That last one is fictional, but still. I see where you're going.

They also have some favorite videos... which lead me down the rabbit hole (pussy hole?), and I stumbled across this, from That'sVaginal.com.  Pretty sure this is still Summer's Eve, posing as some random passerby that happens to really love vagina.  Just an FYI, don't let the innocuous cat puppet (ugh... kitty) fool you, the site is pretty NSFW.  It's a blog all about vaginas... including the vagina mold gallery that someone has created.

I just post it, I don't make it, people.

I don't like puppets, I'm not hugely fond of cats, and hey, using a cat puppet debunks the what you're saying about how you don't like people using euphemisms for vaginas, but I will admit that this guy's voice does make me laugh... and the Georgia O'Keefe reference earned a chortle. 

But it does make me wonder, what's up with the whole vaginal pride movement? Do we really need one? My irritation about this comes from the same place that gives me agita about people who spell women "wombyn" and have Menarche parties. 

I'm not much of a joiner, and crap like this is the reason why. I don't want to go to some kid's party because she bleeds on a regular basis...LIKE HALF THE POPULATION OF THE PLANET DOES. I also don't want to have a party to watch you eat your placenta. If you want to eat what amounts to your own giant scab, be my guest. Just don't include me, and don't be surprised when I am horrified that you've done so if you choose to tell me about it. It's gross. You know it is.

I'm not saying that women shouldn't have pride in themselves, or their femininity. But shouldn't this pride celebrate the power of the female mind, and not the fact that we have functioning reproductive organs? Can I start pride movements for other organs?  Because I have a really bitchin' spleen I want you all to know about. 

 

Since this is a YouTube kinda post, I'll leave you with this.  Happily, the pregnant women that I've been closest to haven't been smug... but I think that's why we're friends in the first place. They haven't lost their goddamned minds, they just had a baby. And I appreciate them for this.

Get Your Boobies Out, It's HALLOWEEN!

That time is upon us- the time to dress as slutty as possible in public. All in the name of Halloween. I take full part in it- I was a slutty pirate last year (when else can one wear a petticoat??), and some costumes make sense in a slutty concept: sexy cop, sexy schoolgirl. However, when you begin dressing up mundane items to be sexy, I just don't understand it. So today we're showing my top 10(ish) trends in weird slutty costumes. (Up top is Brian from Family Guy. It doesn't make much sense to me either, because you know, you don't look like him at all.)

This one isn't really a weird theme, flappers make sense in slutty, so it's more like a bonus post. I just feel the need to say that there are some bold ass women out there. This is sheer. WHAT KIND OF PARTY ARE YOU ATTENDING, MADAM??

Another bonus post: Magazine. I actually think this is HILARIOUS. I saw some others that are fine art too, which are unfortunately sold out, because otherwise I would totally do the Mona Lisa.

Sexy Board Games. Yeah, nothing's sexier than SCRABBLE. OOH,Triple Word Score me, baby!

Sexy Olive Oyl. Isn't the whole point of Olive Oyl that she ISN'T sexy?

Sexy Mrs. Potato-head. Really? I mean... REALLY?

Sexy Strawberry Shortcake. My childhood is ruined!!! (I seriously LOVED Strawberry Shortcake. I had the Atari game, where you had to make the Purple Pie Man nice, I dressed up (non-sexily) as S.S's cat, Custard one year, and one of my favorite movies was when she went to the Big Apple City. I also had one of the blow-kiss dolls- remember those? They would kiss you, and it would smell like strawberries.) But bonus points to the manufacturer for having the berry gang: Apple Dumplin', Blueberry Muffin and Lemon Merengue are all for sale. Okay. You caught me. If they weren't almost $60 I'd probably be Blueberry Muffin. I like her hat.

Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Apparently my age group is the target demo for sexy costumes right now... but must we destroy our childhood memories? Wait. On second thought, take TMNT. Go 'head.

Sexy Pac-Man Ghost. This really isn't a stand-alone costume... it makes way more sense if there are 4 or 5 of you running around in these.

Beer Pong. My main problem with this is that outside of the ping pong ball necklace and the quote, which also appears on the butt of this dress, "Don't forget to wash your balls" (heh), it doesn't really have anything to do with beer pong. Call me a purist, but it's cheating if you have to tell someone what you are because really, you're basically wearing a condom.

Recycling. Kind of like Beer Pong, it's very difficult to dress up as a concept for Halloween. How do you explain what you are when someone asks? "I'm recycling." "Are you a superhero?" "No, I'm recycling." "Are you from like, a movie?" "No, I'm RECYCLING. tuh."

The Man In The Canoe. Slutty Costumes- not just for girls anymore! I will admit, this one made me laugh. Wait for it... it'll come to you.

Sexy Nemo. Disney is cute on your kid, disturbing on you.

Number one with a bullet: Anna Rexia. The irony that this comes in plus sizes actually makes it sort of funny.

Oh, They're Real.

Since I haven't changed a diaper since the 7th grade (8 years of nieces and my record holds strong) I found it necessary to look up brand names for diapers when conducting the very important business of insulting someone's youth (27 years old= babies!). Google blessed me with a hit on these Jean Diapers from Huggies.

On one hand, I get that we all used to have non-disposable diapers. Why not be creative with the fabric? On the other... baby jorts? Rednecky? Possibly. Non-absorbent? Definitely.

Truthfully, I can't tell from the description whether or not they're actually fabric, though they keep calling them denim:

Jeans have always been a Mommy fashion must-have, but now it's time for their little ones to steal the style. HUGGIES® gets fashion forward with new denim diaper design to help your baby stay trendy while keeping dry.

Very fashionable - for a limited time!
Denim has always been a summer style staple, and the HUGGIES® Jeans Diapers are no exception: this is a short-term offering to help little ones steal Mom's summer style. However, HUGGIES® Little Movers are on shelves before, during and after the Jeans products are available.

• A unique, fun and stylish way to make your little one the coolest and cutest around.
• Same proven leakage protection Moms have come to know and trust from HUGGIES® Little Movers Diapers.
• Shaped to move, featuring the same revolutionary design and technology as HUGGIES® Little Movers Diapers, allowing little ones to move, crawl and scoot.
  

Can you tell if they're actually denim? Do you question the diaper rash situation in non-breathable denim, coated with baby crap?

It's Gotta Be Like Sitting On Tennis Balls

Because my ass just isn't big enough... I think that it is time to add some fake cushion for the pushin'. Introducing the BOOTYPOP, ladies. And gents, if you feel you need to fill out the back end of your jeans a little better.



No booty-ness has never been a problem for me. I have ass to spare, no matter how many lunges I do/3rd story apartments with no elevators I move into. But (hehe) are the POPS sitting on the top of your cheeks? Is that where you need more butt? On me I'm pretty sure it would just look like I was smuggling cereal bowls.

Gotta say, if you have no booty, I can see the market for these. Here's Birv's Better Idea... make the POPS a place to store things- keys... ID... spare pair of panties for when you get to the home of the gentleman you're trying to woo with your POPPING ass. Speaking of butt-minded men... who snickered at the creepy leering man at the coffee shop in the ad? I did! At least, in my mind, it was a pervert in public, and not a husband disinterested in his flat-assed wife. Disinterested until she added 5 lbs on her rump and nowhere else, that is!! HOTT.

What do these feel like if the creeper grabs them, anyway? I mean, if you're slow dancing (people still do that, right?), and that certain someone wants to pull you in a little closer... what happens?

I love that it's endorsed by Martha Stewart. Never knew she cared about the roundedness of my rump.

CatFish, you and your adorable web-browsing sidekick have made me love again. Hooray blog!! Blogging, hooray!

This Is Wrong On So Many Levels.

This is the latest Michelin ad running on air right now. Can we discuss how wrong it is to have dancing roadkill? I don't care how cutesy you try to make the carnage, they're still dead animals. Why not make the guts pink and blue and glittery?

Anyone else catch the subtle "ghetto" influence of the "pre-Michelin" road? I was half expecting to see the raccoon dealing rocks to his flattened little homies.

Did She Just Pull an Ewok Out of Her Purse?

Oh, I think she did. That's right everyone, as I was at the Walgreens yesterday picking up toilet paper, what did I see in the aisle before me? Well.. Christmas decorations, but that's hardly the point. (Sidebar: can't we have Thanksgiving before we start rolling out the yard reindeer? PLEASE?) Anyway... I saw the Snuggie for Dogs. I think it's possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, but I have to say, it's probably the only thing that Daisy would ever wear. She frigging LOVES blankets. To have her very own? She'd look about as excited as that golden retriever does.

I sort of wish that they didn't pitch it as an alternative to the doggie sweater (props for the opening poem). I wish that they had the guts to say "Is your dog as lazy as you? (yes!) Do you both lay on the couch watching TV and reading all day? (Why...it's our idea of a perfect day!!) Let your dog waste away in the same comfort you do while you catch up back episodes of Eastwick and Ghost Whisperer!" Ok. That last part may be a little too targeted to me. But still. Better, no?

Buy my dog one here.

(Sidebar #2... is everyone as charmed as I am by the little dog falling asleep in its Snuggie? I could watch that all day! It looks so happy!)

Destroying Your Dog's Dignity, One Walk at a Time.

Really- should you own a dog in the first place?

Product Site full of helpful FAQ's and excellent grammar here. See below!

Can owner use the "PooTrap" always when walking their dog out?
When dog is having diarrhea, or if the owner just don't feel like taking the "PooTrap" off the dog, feel free to keep the "PooTrap" on the dog.

Why I Never Liked Dolls. (Those creepy eyes!)

Meet Bebe Gloton, the Spanish sensation that's sweeping the nation, according to the Daily Mail.

Anyone else totally have the creepers from this video? Even the little girl doesn't seem to be having much fun. The little apron with the petal nipples? *shudder* Again, I know it's natural, blah blah blah. But this is one toy I wouldn't want my kid pulling out at the Steak & Shake, you know?

This is the Worst Commercial in the World.

Guhhhhh I hate the sound of nail clippers. It seriously makes me sick to my stomach. Thus- I hate this commercial. That part where they cut 5 nails at the same time? *shudder* Also- they keep dumping out the nail clip reservoir. ON THE TABLE. Blecchhh... it's like they're TRYING to gross me out. Are nail clippers really that difficult to use? Well, I suppose if you're old.

Get your Sure Clips here. Be sure to tell them this commercial gives you nightmares.

UPDATE: I had to take the commercial off. It was grossing me out... and it was like my worst nightmare- since it would begin playing automatically! It was like I couldn't escape that grotesque sound.

Anyone Else See the Innuendo?

Or am I the only dirty bird?

I love that it's two and a half pounds... you may as well just grab a can of Campbell's and jiggle it around for all the good it'll do. I wonder if the "prestigious California university" would find that effective as well!