I'm Not a Suicide Bomber, I Just Look Like One When I Exercise.

It looks suspicious, right? And plenty stupid. But check it- celebrities use them too! Matthew McConaughey wears one, and Valerie Bertinelli, my Jenny Craig friend uses one too.

In case I haven't said it enough on this blog, I hate to run with the fiery intensity of 10,000 suns. But once you've exercised for a while, it loses some effectiveness when your body gets used to it. This is not something, as a non-exerciser, that I have ever learned. So... what to do? Turns out the answer is to put the weight you've already lost back on, and exercise like it's 1999 pounds. It makes sense- the more weight you carry around, the harder your body works to maintain it.

So I found this military nightmare online... the whole time singing a happy "I'M BRILLIANT!" song to myself as I ordered a 20 pounder. They had a 10 pound version, but I'm not a sissy.


At least, I didn't think I was...until it came in the mail. Turns out that 20 pounds is kinda heavy... especially when you have to carry it up 3 flights of stairs. It's also really heavy when you're dancing to David Bowie around your house, as I learned that night (Single Girls Living Alone... unite!). This was not a surprise to Sissy, who responded to my shocked text: "Duh... it's a WEIGHTED VEST."

Well... this didn't deter me. The first day I wore it out to walk was this Saturday, which was about as hot as sitting on the sun. Let me tell you, people, 98 degree days and a weighted vest DO NOT MIX.

Remember how I threw up all over the Hott Yoga studio's bathroom (and then ran away like a sorority girl at her first mixer)? IT HAPPENED AGAIN!! This time I was on the street. Luckily I was under the underpass... a seemingly common occurence there, so mine will just blend in. I was always shocked at the people on The Biggest Loser that horked...how can they work them that hard? That's torture! Turns out it's pretty easy to puke while you're exercising when it's hot.

I have a whole new respect for the military and police officers... my major line of defense would just be to run after someone long enough to feel nauseous, and hope I was close enough to puke ON them.

I own the thing now (and cleaned it), so I'll be trying it again... I'll let you know how it goes.

By Popular Request

Seriously- I'm so glad I can bring my television shame to all of you!! Premiere dates and networks are listed, please bear in mind I have no real cable. If you want to be cooler than me and add your own list, take a look at a Fall Schedule here.

What's so sad about this? This doesn't even include mid-season replacements (V! I know you're coming, with all your Alan Tudyk glory).

Highlighted are new shows I'm interested in, without Glee, since y'all know how I feel about it. Let's have a breakdown:

The Forgotten:

The Synopsis: "In the United States, the remains of 40,000 people haven't been identified. When police investigations reach a dead end, civilian volunteers across the country work to name -- the forgotten."

Why I Am Watching: Christian Slater. How do I love thee? The many ways a Heather died. After his last tv venture My Own Worst Enemy failed, I'm happy to see him get another chance. Who doesn't love Jack Nicholson lite?

The Good Wife:

The Synopsis: "THE GOOD WIFE is a drama starring Emmy Award winner Julianna Margulies as a wife and mother who must assume full responsibility for her family and re-enter the workforce after her husband's very public sex and political corruption scandal lands him in jail. Pushing aside the betrayal and crushing public humiliation caused by her husband Peter (Chris Noth), Alicia Florrick (Margulies) starts over by pursuing her original career as a defense attorney."

Why I'm Watching: Aside from the great cast, including Chris Noth and Josh Charles (Dead Poet's Society!!), I think that the time is ripe to explore what happens to a family in the aftermath of a political scandal: Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, Mark Sanford... the list goes on. What happens to the woman that stands stoically at their side?

The Beautiful Life:

The Synopsis: "The life of a high-fashion model appears glamorous and sexy, but as every new model learns, behind the beautiful facade is a world of insecurity and cut-throat competition."

Why I'm Watching: This is guaranteed to be a shambolic delight of a show. All the juicy drama of a Gossip Girl, with eating disorders and crazytown Mischa Barton... I'm there!

Eastwick:

The Synopsis: "A mysterious man bestows unique powers to three women."

Why I'm Watching: Are you kidding? It's Witches of Eastwick. IN A SHOW.

Vampire Diaries:

The Synopsis: "Two vampire brothers - one good, one evil - are at war for Elena's soul in the small town of Mystic Falls, Virginia. Based on the series of books by L. J. Smith."

Why I'm Watching: Why wouldn't I watch the CW jump on the Vampire train? Apparently it's Twilight and True Blood lite all rolled into one. Plus, Boone from Lost! We'll see how long I watch this one, but I'm intrigued at least.

Flash Forward:

The Synopsis: "A mysterious global event causes everyone to black out simultaneously for two minutes and seventeen seconds, and each person sees a glimpse of their lives six months from now. When they wake up, everyone is left wondering if what they saw will actually happen."

Why I'm Watching: This is the show I'm actually most excited about beyond Glee. Aside from having Joseph Fiennes (le sigh), Jack Davenport and Dominic Monaghan (Lost!), the premise is a Lost-esque sci-mystery based on Robert J. Sawyer's novel (in the novel, the time jump is 20 years... which makes more sense in a book, I'm not sure I'd notice a difference in 6 months. I'd still be watching the same shows).

Community:

The Synopsis: "From Dan Harmon ("The Sarah Silverman Program") and Emmy Award-winning directors Joe and Anthony Russo ("Arrested Development") comes "Community," a smart comedy series about a band of misfits who attend Greendale Community College. At the center of the group is Jeff Winger (Joel McHale, "The Soup"), a fast-talkin' lawyer whose degree has been revoked. With some help from his fellow classmates, Winger forms a study group who eventually learn more about themselves than their course work."

Why I'm Watching: Joel McHale! Plain and simple.

Brothers:

The Synopsis: "Starring Michael Strahan (“FOX NFL Sunday”) and Daryl “Chill” Mitchell (“Ed,” “Veronica’s Closet”), BROTHERS is a new half-hour comedy about a former NFL hot shot who learns that even though you can always go home again, the trip back might be tougher than you think."

Why I'm Watching: Michael Strahan, meh. Let's talk about continually funny Daryl "Chill" Mitchell, whom I've loved since GalaxyQuest. Paralyzed from the waist down in a motorcycle accident in 2001, I'm excited to see him in his own, deserved, series. I'm not sure how long I'll watch, but I'm excited to see him in more than a one-off guest spot.

Zombie Yourself!

You know I love fun times on the interwebs. Kill time by making yourself into a zombie at Ugo.com. You can also SuperHero Yourself using their incredibly detailed HeroMachine.

Anyone Else See the Innuendo?

Or am I the only dirty bird?

I love that it's two and a half pounds... you may as well just grab a can of Campbell's and jiggle it around for all the good it'll do. I wonder if the "prestigious California university" would find that effective as well!

It's Definitely Tim Burton-y

Anyone else a little sad that Tim Burton has such a hard-on for CGI these days? The magic of Edward Scissorhands and Beetlejuice was that they were surreal and dark with a minimum of film fakery.

I'm not saying I won't go see it, but I think the live action Alice in Wonderland standard was set with the 1985 made for TV. You know, the one where Carol Channing turns into that freaky-ass goat.

What Really Happened to Mr. Willoughby

I have Pride & Prejudice & Zombies at home, a find of BFF's, my natural source for all things zombie. I have yet to read it, but I am going to blindly walk right out to the edge of this limb and say it'll be awesome.

I think if you're going to have a niche, Quirk Books and their offshoot Quirk Classics, the publisher of P&P&Z and now Sense & Sensibility & Sea Monsters have it...er... dead on.

Visit their website here.

Food = Sex: Innuendo Throwdown!

In case Burger King's overtly phallic sandwich ad wasn't enough high-calorie sexytime for you, Hardees has come up with two new ads for their Biscuit Holes. As you can imagine, late-night stoner humor ensues, proving that the advertising houses of today are one small step away from your local frat house common room.

Who wins? Burger King or Hardees? I vote for Burger King, for (dare I say it?) staying just thisside of subtle.

But... Then Where Would I Keep My Remote?

Do you have huge knockers? Whether you got them from nature or from Dr. Feelgood, it doesn't matter, those of us with enormous melons can all be helped by today's questionable product, the Kush Support, designed to keep you from getting wrinkly cleavage. From the website:

"After comprehensive research and testing, Kush was developed as an anatomically contoured accessory offering both health and beauty benefits. Made from a lightweight plastic with a slip-resistant outer coating, Kush is uniquely designed to fit between the breasts to maintain a more natural shape while resting on your side. No straps, no underwires, no constraints, no adhesives and no garments needed - the slip-resistant surface and contoured shape help keep Kush in place as a woman rolls from one side to the other during sleep."

It's a little steep at $55, when I could just as easily shove a can of creamed corn in between the girls... but if the professionals at the best little whorehouse in Texas use them, I guess I probably should too! Seriously- what's with her pajamas? Does anyone actually sleep in things like that?

Product Site here!

More Questionable Hair Removal Commercials

Oh Gillette. What's your deal? Of course, I sit here writing about it, so I suppose that means you're marketing is totally effective. Sigh. The sacrifices I make as a blogger. At least we have some equality in this ad! It's about time that manscaping was addressed on a wide scale. IT'S APPRECIATED, FELLAS.

Clearly, I took a little bloggy vacation this week (no Dancing Thursdays! gasp!), but I'll make up for it a little today. Lots to post!!!

If Anyone Can Make Something Like This Happen When I'm Around, You Will Instantly Become My Hero.

Almost as good as spontaneous public dancing... T-Mobile introduces mass karaoke, and everyone appears to be having a blast. Why, WHY does everyone in England always look like they're up for a good prank?

PS: at :40 and 2:02... is that Pink, or is it just me??

The Peccadilloes of Aging Parents, or OMG, We're Early Birds.

May is birthday month for Birv, with no less than 9 people I consider close friends/family aging just a little more. Who knows why people are so intent on gettin' busy in September, but more power to 'em!


Two of said birthdays are my parents; mom's was on the 1st and dad's on the 4th. One would think this would make birthday celebrations filled with one-stop-shop ease. This is not, however, the case.


Mom's martyr-meter was on high ("The only present we want is to see all our kids together!"), so after two weeks of struggling to get three adult children and their various families to all agree on one day, dinner plans at a favorite family establishment were made. AT 4:00 PM IN THE AFTERNOON.

Do people outside of Florida dine this early? Is there some sort of genetic timebomb that goes off once you hit 55 that alters our instincts to eat while it's still light out? All I know is that I have to figure out how I'm going to choke down prime rib and discussions regarding my (rapidly waning) fertility before the sun goes down without the assistance of alcohol.

My current (though admittedly petty) plan is to establish an early, smug sense of superiority over any former high-school classmates that may be manning the valet station. Here's hoping they're still there, for my sake.


I will also be hoping for the assistance of the Shadow Hare and his League of Superfriends, which HAS to include a Chicago-land branch.

BFF lives in Cinci... she should be able to get me the hookup.



UPDATE: According to the World Superhero Registry, while there is a boon of superhero activity in Jackson, Michigan, Chicago is BEREFT of superheroes. This explains a lot, actually. It also has just opened the door on my next career move: The Hazel Hedgehog shall rise!!!!

Prithee, good sirrah, will'st thou speak like Shakespeare or no??

Say what you will about Mayor Daley, but the guy likes to have fun. From making Superbowl bets with Indianapolis to midnight digging raids on airport runways to reclaim public land, I appreciate his sense of old style city government.

His newest cause, according to CNN? Talk Like Shakespeare Day, this Thursday, April 23. In conjunction with the Chicago Shakespeare Theater's celebration of the day most historians agree is Shakespeare's birthday, Mayor Daley issued a proclamation encouraging students, teachers and the general public to toss out words like "thou" "fie!" and "knave" into the day.

I'm totally into it, and not above throwing out some Henry V with BFF. I'm DEFINITELY going to call someone a rough-hewn hedge pig.

Below are some tips from Talklikeshakespeare.org, the official website created by the Chicago Shakespeare Theater if you feel like being a joiner:

1. Instead of you, say thou. Instead of y’all, say thee.

2. Rhymed couplets are all the rage.

3. Men are Sirrah, ladies are Mistress, and your friends are all called Cousin.

4. Instead of cursing, try calling your tormenters jackanapes or canker-blossoms or poisonous bunch-back’d toads.

5. Don’t waste time saying "it," just use the letter "t" (’tis, t’will, I’ll do’t).

6. Verse for lovers, prose for ruffians, songs for clowns.

7. When in doubt, add the letters "eth" to the end of verbs (he runneth, he trippeth, he falleth).

8. To add weight to your opinions, try starting them with methinks, mayhaps, in sooth or wherefore.

9. When wooing ladies: try comparing her to a summer’s day. If that fails, say "Get thee to a nunnery!"

10. When wooing lads: try dressing up like a man. If that fails, throw him in the Tower, banish his friends and claim the throne.

Well... Paul Blart: Mall Cop IS the # 1 Movie...

So I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised that Howie Do It's audience appears to be filmed in front of THOUSANDS of uproariously laughing people. Seriously, it's like they sold out the United Center.

Here's the deal. I watched, understood, didn't laugh and turned off Howie Do It in about 5 minutes last night. Trust me, the promo commercials are more than enough time to devote to this show.

The show tries to make it plain that this isn't your Deal Or No Deal, audience-friendly, "I'm a germophobe" Howie Mandel. Oh no. This is a gritty, PG-13, FRIDAY NIGHT Howie Mandel. Apparently, the pranks are shown on a giant screen between Blue Man Group-style, drum-heavy rock instrumentals and Howie Mandel's... erm...stand up act. The joke I heard was riffed off of what is clearly an audience plant: "Do you try out these pranks on your family?" "No, my wife is the prankster in our family. She told me told me two of our children were mine." guffaw.

With comedy gold like that, it's unsurprising that Howie makes several title references: "take a look and see us show Dez ...howie do it". BA-ZZZING! We have a title.

The prank I watched was a wife bringing her unsuspecting husband Dez (that truthfully seemed like he was totally in on the act) to be taped on a daytime talk show, and is lead to believe his marriage is on the rocks. The whole audience is filled with ACTORS! Apparently they could only find about 8 actors to take the audience gig... the whole thing looks like it was filmed in my neighbor's garage. If that didn't tip hubby off, you would think his snickering wife would. So basically they lead this guy on for about 2 minutes that his wife thinks he's a controlling ass, because he jokes about her missing curfew, and reads her emails (actually does kind of sound controlling to me, but whatever). Then they let him in on it; "I have to tell you, you're on Howie Do It". Somehow, he knows what this show is, even though it's on it's first season, and gives the appropriate "OMG you got me" face. IT'S FUNNY!! BAHODEYDODEYDO! Crowd filmed laughing. Rocking back and forth in their seats laughing. I am stony-faced.


Before I shut off the show to watch Ghost Whisperer (really, my standards for entertainment aren't that high...so believe that Howie Do It sucks big donkey balls), they show a "coming up next on Howie Do It" preview of the next prank, that shows an unsuspecting amusement park visitor being led through a new ride by a poorly disguised Howie Mandel. That's him in the picture above. I know you're shocked: but really, it's Howie Mandel.

Anyway, the "ride" appears to consist of a cup of water being poured on the guy and Incognito Howie and another dude take him by the arms and spin him around. I mean, really? Who DOESN'T see through this? On that topic, who doesn't recognize Howie Mandel, just because he's wearing a wig? This whole show reminds me of the Arrested Development episode when George Michael keeps prank calling his dad.

I think I'm going to have to boycott the "fist bump" due to this show.

If you think I'm lying about how gaggingly abominable this show is, take a look here.

Hottt Yoga

Every time I try a new type of exercise, I become convinced that I will awake the next morning suddenly transformed into a size 6, with long flowing locks and perfect skin. It becomes perfectly logical to me that through one hour of the latest exercise craze, I will become Jessica Alba's twin overnight. (Influenced by negative media stereotypes? Moi? NEVER.)

In keeping with that hope, I'm trying Bikram Yoga tonight for the first time ever. Bikram Yoga, for those who don't know, is yoga done in a room at 105 degrees Fahrenheit and 40% humidity. So basically I'm going to try to pretend that I'm doing yoga in Florida.

Considering I hate Florida, weather that gets over 80 degrees, and, well, exercising, we'll see how this goes. All I have to say is if some dude tries to do this to me, I'm outta there faster than he can snap on that headband in the morning.

Review to come tomorrow.