A Letter to President Obama

Dear Mr. President,

I know you're really busy killing off the nation's grandmas with your devil managed healthcare, but I have to address a matter of greater importance to us both. Barack, your favorite restaurant and mine, The Dixie Kitchen & Bait Shop in Hyde Park, has been torn down. Now, I know they are still open in Evanston and Lansing. But frankly, Evanston for soul food? Really? Please. We both know that's not an option. Also- I don't even know where Lansing is.

I know the Dixie Kitchen means a lot to you, 'Rack (can I call you 'Rack?), since you went on Check, Please! and talked about it. You may have heard the Calypso Cafe next door bought the menu, but I ate there last night, and they're just ruining it. I know you love those Johnnie Cakes. I do too. THEY AREN'T THE SAME. Now they're just pancakes with cornmeal thrown in. No subtlety. I don't even want to try the peach cobbler. It probably has some sort of rum in it now. Stupid Caribbean food.

B.O. (hey, your initials are sort of funny. Did you get made fun of a lot for that? I get that. My initials are BJ, and boy, some of the things I heard! But I digress.), I'm sure you're pretty tied up turning into Hitler with your socialist agenda (which doesn't make sense to me, I mean sure, Nazi has the word 'socialist' in it, but I don't really think you're up for genoci... WHOA. The grannies. Now I see what they mean!). Anywho, since you're the big guy in Washington, I bet you have some pull now. I see this as a matter worthy of the National Guard.

B-Rock, feel free to leave your updates on your progress this matter in the comments. When it's open again, we can go there together to celebrate, and I'll buy you a pulled pork sandwich. Sound good?

Lots of love,

Birv

PS- I voted for you, so I think that I can call in that favor now.

And the Award for Most Insensitive Song Goes to...

Yes, that Mel C. From Spice Girls. This is an old song, but I am currently listening to the cd's BFF made following our semester in London a crazy long time ago and swimming in a salty sea of memories. Don't ask how long ago we were in London, that's not polite.

Storytime!! Imagine BFF and I, sitting in our dorm room, quietly doing homework (well... BFF doing homework, I was probably reading Harry Potter and ignoring a mounting deadline) with the radio on. Cue Mel C's If That Were Me. BFF and I continue to be silent, both pretending we're not listening as the song gets increasingly ridiculous. Finally, as Mel C sings the best line of the song, "Is it your hope that keeps you warm?", BFF shouts out "No, but a fucking BLANKET might!" and goes back to reading without a further sentence.

This is a snapshot into the love I have for BFF.

I Think She's Smuggling Heroin In There

Amy Before:

Amy After:

Also... GAH! Aside from the new Serena-Boobs (Gossip Girl reference... HEY-O! By the way... threesomes? 18 year olds? Is this the new college thing?)... the woman is made from cocaine-covered matchsticks.

Play It Like You Did Last Night!

Are you immune to the charms of BB Bunny? Must not be a hard core criminal.

HA! That's What You Get for Wearing That Scary-Ass Mask.

Y'all know how I feel about masks. I could barely stand to post this. But then...

Did She Just Pull an Ewok Out of Her Purse?

Oh, I think she did. That's right everyone, as I was at the Walgreens yesterday picking up toilet paper, what did I see in the aisle before me? Well.. Christmas decorations, but that's hardly the point. (Sidebar: can't we have Thanksgiving before we start rolling out the yard reindeer? PLEASE?) Anyway... I saw the Snuggie for Dogs. I think it's possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, but I have to say, it's probably the only thing that Daisy would ever wear. She frigging LOVES blankets. To have her very own? She'd look about as excited as that golden retriever does.

I sort of wish that they didn't pitch it as an alternative to the doggie sweater (props for the opening poem). I wish that they had the guts to say "Is your dog as lazy as you? (yes!) Do you both lay on the couch watching TV and reading all day? (Why...it's our idea of a perfect day!!) Let your dog waste away in the same comfort you do while you catch up back episodes of Eastwick and Ghost Whisperer!" Ok. That last part may be a little too targeted to me. But still. Better, no?

Buy my dog one here.

(Sidebar #2... is everyone as charmed as I am by the little dog falling asleep in its Snuggie? I could watch that all day! It looks so happy!)

Did You Miss Me?

I missed you guys. I could explain what happened to me for the last month, but it's a very sensitive subject involving alien abductions, zombie slave trades on the black market and pirates. I escaped, but barely.

Rest assured, the hiatus is over. Soon, you will be able to get your fill of tween gossip and Twilight news.