A Letter to President Obama

Dear Mr. President,

I know you're really busy killing off the nation's grandmas with your devil managed healthcare, but I have to address a matter of greater importance to us both. Barack, your favorite restaurant and mine, The Dixie Kitchen & Bait Shop in Hyde Park, has been torn down. Now, I know they are still open in Evanston and Lansing. But frankly, Evanston for soul food? Really? Please. We both know that's not an option. Also- I don't even know where Lansing is.

I know the Dixie Kitchen means a lot to you, 'Rack (can I call you 'Rack?), since you went on Check, Please! and talked about it. You may have heard the Calypso Cafe next door bought the menu, but I ate there last night, and they're just ruining it. I know you love those Johnnie Cakes. I do too. THEY AREN'T THE SAME. Now they're just pancakes with cornmeal thrown in. No subtlety. I don't even want to try the peach cobbler. It probably has some sort of rum in it now. Stupid Caribbean food.

B.O. (hey, your initials are sort of funny. Did you get made fun of a lot for that? I get that. My initials are BJ, and boy, some of the things I heard! But I digress.), I'm sure you're pretty tied up turning into Hitler with your socialist agenda (which doesn't make sense to me, I mean sure, Nazi has the word 'socialist' in it, but I don't really think you're up for genoci... WHOA. The grannies. Now I see what they mean!). Anywho, since you're the big guy in Washington, I bet you have some pull now. I see this as a matter worthy of the National Guard.

B-Rock, feel free to leave your updates on your progress this matter in the comments. When it's open again, we can go there together to celebrate, and I'll buy you a pulled pork sandwich. Sound good?

Lots of love,

Birv

PS- I voted for you, so I think that I can call in that favor now.

Are You Sure You Want to Invite This Guy Over For Drinks?

Gliese 581D is a planet about 20 light years away in the Libra constellation (groovy, baby!), and is a planet that scientists postulate could possibly support life. Whether it's punch through your stomach and eat your brains life or ET phone home life, well, they just aren't sure.

So why not invite the general population to write messages to whatever may be living on Gliese 581D? HelloFromEarth.net is a site that does just that, switching messages from the public into binary code and will beam them to outerspace, at which time we will shortly become a slave race.

The messages range from the clinically depressed to the totally stoned to the pretty awesome, some of my favorites are below:

When you come here make sure you get a copy of all Britney Spears albums, you're going to love them.
Victor Julio Galicia
Barquisimeto, Venezuela

You are cordially invited to an Interplanetary BBQ. 6.00pm, 4th October, 2452 at my place BYO Meat and Beer. RSVP: Year 2100 Cheers
Daniel Edmonds
Melbourne, Australia

Greetings from the Caribbean! It's warm and great here. Visit and we'll show you a great time, drinks and spicy food! Please bring own towel & sunblock though.
Anthony De Castro
St Joseph, Trinidad and To

Dear aliens, Please disregard those transmissions featuring Hitler. They're from a few years back and nobody really liked him anyway.
Alex
Chicago, United States

Hi-dilly, ho-dilly, neighboreenos!
Ned Flanders
Perth, Australia

Hi hi, my housemate has given up on all males on our planet. If you have half a brain and something to prod her with, she'll be pleased to meet you. Toodles,
D.Darren
Melbourne, Australia

Hello Aliens. Do you have genetalia? I hope so.
Erica
Melbourne, Australia

Hi We kill each other, destroy our own environment and value material objects more than each other. Yours, hoping for a better future,
Claire
Dulwich Hill, Australia

We need help, we are being destroyed by leaders whos only concern is lining their own pockets, assuming you can read english. Greetings
Adam Pronaszko
Borehamwood, Australia

We are destroying our planet, and are too selfish to stop. We need your help. Please come quickly.
Ted Catchpole
Canberra, Australia

Heads up: on our planet, it is considered rude to introduce yourself to new neighbours without offering delicious cake or a hamper of edible goods.
Tegan Lyons
Sydney, Australia

Hello from Earth, please visit. We have cookies.
Chris Hully
Ottawa, Canada

'ssup bros? I'm a libra too. Respect.

MattHobart, Australia

You don't understand any Earth language let alone English so it doesn't matter what I write.
Scoby Watson
Sydney, Australia

Our planet's idea of Miss Universe is thin, dumb blondes. Perhaps you can diversify the pool.
Dorothy
sydney, Australia

Hello there my children, It has been long since my father created you in his image and I died for your sins here on earth. I look forwards to reconnecting.
Jesus Christ
Behind the pearly gates, Australia

If your planet really exists, has the Creator revealed Himself to you? He has to us here on Earth. His Name is Jesus Christ.Trevor HoltBalgownie, Australia

Hello. You may be nearer the angels and God. Please ask them to heal my son Peter and to make his life happy. Kim CupplesKim CupplesYuba City, United States

GAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

I've totally gone off beef jerky.

I'm Officially Old

Does anyone else find themselves worrying about the girl in this ad campaign by American Apparel? I'm worried she's either unwittingly found herself in casting couch porn ('Do...do I have to?' 'You wanna get into show business, don't ya?') or getting "sexted", as the kids say these days, all across her high school.

Either way, it makes me shudder.

Reality TV Is Taking a Disturbing Turn.

It all started with the seemingly required proposal on The Bachelor. At least those girls got a chance to say no. This summer season of reality tv shows has me asking what the deal is with the onslaught of disturbing "throw-away marriage" reality shows? We have Hitched or Ditched on The CW, where long-term couples in a rut wait until they are on the altar to either get... you know... hitched or (wait for it) ditched.

I have also recently found an application page for a new show called Arranged Marriage, where, according to the website, "four people will ask their closest loved ones - whether family or friends - to team up and choose a spouse for them." I can't tell if this is the same show as the one that Variety reports Fox picking up I Married a Stranger! (leave it to Fox to get the most inflammatory name possible). I've been on a few blind dates set up by friends and family before, every single time, I have called the offending matchmaker of the moment with the question, "Really? Is this what you think of me?" Then I end up at home with a dozen donuts and a Jane Austen movie.

Is it so wrong to be a certain age and NOT be married? What is the requirement in this world to be legally bound to someone, damn the emotional cost? Why are we so attention-hungry to air our lonely dirty laundry in front of the world?

Also on the subject of Tacky Americans, looking for a header picture led me to some of the most misogynistic cake toppers I've ever seen. Really, ladies? Are you proud of yourselves? Here are my favorites:

The Roper. Yeehaw, cowboy. Or are you an old timey funeral director?

The Clothesliner. How DARE you run away?

The Dragger. I especially like the fingernail scratch detail in this one.

Reelin' him in. This also looks vaguely sexually inappropriate.

The classic... Shotgun Wedding! Where's that girl's pappy?? Also, Miscaketops has "The Dragger" in a variety of costumes, from fishing gear to military fatigues. Classy...

The Humper. Did I call that other one sexually inappropriate? All that's missing here is the bathroom stall.

A slightly more aggressive "Dragger"... those wily grooms can wriggle out of clothes. Get him by a body part, and there's no chance of running. Perhaps she's taking him to be hobbled?

The Johnny Come Lately. The decorator gave that bride attitude. Fo' shizzle.

You May Be Looking In The Wrong Place

As found in the Craiglist Lost & Found Section:

All reason to Live (Earth, as it is...)

Reply to:comm-as7tf-1195178839@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-05-29, 12:50PM CDT

I lost it, my reason for living. My drive, my compassion, my self worth. I sit here, at this desk, knowing full well that my brain is turning to an even larger puddle of quivering nothing as we speak. Yes, in these troubled times, I should be grateful that I have a job. Here I am, 50 years old, attractive, single, realtively clean smelling!! And I have lost my reason for living!!! I am a sheep, a wanderer. Ever get off of the train in the morning, simply following th rest of the lost sheep through Chicago. Baa Baa, it could be worse. It could still be Janurary. Then it's the following of the frozen sheep, declaring, "When the fuck is it going to warm up?'. It did, but I still feel like a mindless sheep, following a line to drab, dull, desperate.

If it wasnt for the fifth in my desk, the hot messenger, and the fingertip vibrator in my desk drawer, I dont know what I would do. Jump I guess.


Location: Earth, as it is...
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1195178839

Yes, Please! Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

This direct to video film may be just the vehicle to boost Debbie Gibson's star right back into the limelight! Maybe not Electric Youth limelight, but at least fading star Playboy limelight.

A Mega Shark! That destroys airplanes and the Golden Gate Bridge (that thing is under serious movie-fire lately, wtf?)! A Giant Octopus! That takes out an oil rig! oooohhh.... I see what's going on here. This is going to end up with an environmental message, isn't it.

Lorenzo Lamas, you're poisoning the sea with your hair oil, and the thawed, prehistoric beasties aren't going to take it anymore!

Pre-Order your copy today!

Deja Flu

"Dottie had a heart condition, and she DIED."

I don't deny Swine Flu is real, or that it poses a considerable threat. There are conspiracy theorists out there that believe this is a vaccination readiness beta test, or just a full-on hoax, the same people that believe the Y2K scare and Avian Flu were just media conspiracies to frighten the unsuspecting population.

However, the outbreak of viral news about Swine Flu is certainly spreading quicker than the actual virus, which got me thinking... it easier to create a fear of a pandemic because of rapid advancement in public media?

The video above is allegedly real, from all accounts, and from 1976, when an outbreak of Swine Flu caused a mass governmental vaccination, where the vaccination caused more death and medical issues than the actual flu outbreak (1 man died from the flu, 500 people were diagnosed with Guillain-Barre, ending in 25 deaths), according to NPR.

Is the fear of the flu spreading faster than the condition ever will? When news with questionable sources can be broadcast on the internet in seconds, what measures can be taken to urge caution?

Miss USA: Spreading Right-Wing Messages of Hate Since 1952

There's nothing like using a forum for public entertainment to spread your message of intolerance. Little girls everywhere learned yet another reason why pageants are instruments of evil last night when Miss California emphatically described how marriage is defined in her family and, apparently, HER country. Guess we know ONE family who voted for Prop 8.

Careful honey- you just got a hit put out on you by the Velvet Mafia. Bad idea for a beauty queen.

The Hidden Messages in Children's Toys. Surprise! They're Liberal!

I'm just waiting for the same woman that is convinced her baby doll is spreading the Islamic word to get her hands on this.

Oh Florida. Do you melt people's brains? Or is it just because everyone that lives there is ancient, and therefore senile?

Thanks Geekologie for the picture!

Proof That the Catholic Church Joined the Dark Side

Churchgoers have no flipping sense of humor, as evidenced by the looks the priests are giving this guy at about the 00:15 mark. On the other hand, I do... and find this hi-larious.

Thanks to Geekologie! Please be my friend!

Happy New Year!!

Frightening Thai Mascot says think before you drink and drive! I hope you all have a safe, mascot-free New Years Eve, and I'll be thinking joyous thoughts for all of you, as I imbibe a bottle of wine and some fried chicken.

Netflix, here I come!!!

Winter in Chicago: a poem.

My stupid goddamn piece of shit car wouldn't goddamn fucking move from it's goddamn fucking parking spot this morning... fucking goddamn piece of fucking crap. I hate cars, I hate winter, I hate Chicago, I hate snow, I hate how goddamn fucking cold it was when I had to take the goddamn fucking El... I hate that the goddamn stupid pieces of dook at the CTA FORCE you to pay goddamn cash for a fucking CTA card, but have no goddamn ATM's at any locations, so you have to trek to the fucking WALGREENS to get some goddamn money out of the fucking machine so that you can get a goddamn fucking CTA card so you can freeze your fucking tits off while waiting TWENTY MINUTES for a fucking bastard train to arrive. I hate walking along the windy-ass fucking HIGHWAY to get to my job an hour fucking late because I couldn't move my fucking piece of crap car out of it's space, and I hate that I am covered in salt and snow because I tried to push my goddamn fucking piece of crap car out of it's spot, and it wouldn't budge because even though I am a fucking goddamn whale apparently all of my heft isn't enough to fucking move a goddamn fucking car two inches. I hate that my fucking back hurts from trying and I hate that my foot and hands hurt from when I then started beating up my goddamn fucking piece of shit car that won't move out of its spot. I especially LOATHE the stupid asshat motherfucker driving by that laughed at me while I was trying to move my stupid piece of shit car out of it's spot. MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, buttcheese! I hope you get a pox on your ballsack for the holidays, you un-chivalrous piece of moldy smegma! I brandish my fist at you!!

Winter Parking Olympics Photo courtesy of Big Brother, the best photojournalism correspondent a blogging girl could ever have.

Victoria's Secret Models Actually ARE Aliens

Where the F(#K is this lady's belly button?! This is Karolina Kurkova, a model supposedly from the Czech Republic, if by the Czech Republic they mean Star System Beta 9. Apparently they photoshop in a belly button on her Victoria's Secret spreads. There's no question this woman is stunningly beautiful, but what the hell?

I can think of only two explanations:

a) plastic surgery has tummy-tucked her belly button into oblivion.

b) she's an alien that is infiltrating the human race through photo-media, hypnotizing men-folk into a subordinate slave race. Clearly, this is the more likely scenario.

The Bionic Conversion Begins...

If the movies are right (and we all know they are) robots and humans will become one, signalling the destruction of mankind. Here's evidence that the end is near, the Honda HAL. It supposedly stands for "hybrid assistive limb", but I think you know what Honda's real inspiration is... 2001: A Space Odyssey. If these things start calling you DAVE, start hitting them with a baseball bat until you see wires.

The Daily Mail reports that Honda believes that these devices were designed to help factory workers, the old and infirm, but all the pictures are of young and relatively fit people bouncing around on these things, so you know what that means. That's right, bionic army. I can't run from this desk to the bathroom 15 feet away, so I'm getting myself a pair to hybridly assist my limbs in running away from my similarly clad enemies. Apparently they cost about $2200 per week to rent, but the suckers at Honda will have to catch me first! Whee!

look ma, I'm blogging!

So by popular demand (three people said they thought I was funny- more than enough for me), I have started a blog! I am actually excited by the notion that people care what I think. Frankly, I am even more excited about the fact that three whole people thought I was funny.

So my very first blog will discuss the name of said blog: Fonzipan. While I certainly adopt the way of the Fonz... the name comes from what is now known as The Great Cake Debate of 2008. I love rhymes!

The Great Cake Debate of 2008 (or TGCD08, if you ARE into the whole brevity thing) is a war between big brother and myself over what the name of the crap-tasting stuff that covers cake is... fondant or marzipan. (A word to the wise, never get drunk and pass a bakery on the way to see Mamma Mia.) I am totally right, and I am about to prove it.

Fondant:

noun
1.
a thick, creamy sugar paste, the basis of many candies.
2.
a candy made of this paste.

Marzipan:

noun
a confection made of almonds reduced to a paste with sugar and often molded into various forms, usually diminutive fruits and vegetables. (or SCARY diminuitive babies! ahh!)

OK- maybe they're kind of the same thing. Except when you google fondant, you get all sorts of pictures of hella cakes, and not scary edible babies.

On a final note, I totally want to say that I am freaked out about the end of the world. The Associated Press published an article today that (mad) scientists in Geneva, Switzerland have reproduced a "Big Bang" using a Large Hadron Collider. I read the article and didn't understand a whole lot of that science-y stuff, except that they took really big particles and made them go boom. Below, the quotes that have me currently typing this from under my desk:

"Champagne corks popped in labs as far away as Chicago, where contributing and competing scientists watched the proceedings by satellite.

'Well done, everybody,' said Robert Aymar, director-general of the European Organization for Nuclear Research, to cheers from the assembled scientists in the collider's control room at the Swiss-French border."

Well hoo-dee-doo, crazy scientists. We all won't be clapping for you when you explode the world. Have a great, sunshiney day, everyone!