I See What You're Doing.

I need your help, guys. I'm pretty sure AlsoBeth is trying to kill me.  First, she sent me the picture above over the weekend, changing my peaceful Saturday afternoon into a riot of tears and hiding in the closet.

Now, she sends me an email with this link, with this seemingly benign comment: "a little something to brighten??? your day."

WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU??!?!?!?!  Here's a sampling of what she sent me...

Normally the scariest dolls to me are the ones that are unmanipulated; inherently scary by their very design, like that goddamned stoma doll in the middle there. BFF's big-eye dolls, her Blythe collection, scares the crap out of me. They seem like they know something.  Like maybe where the knives are kept downstairs.  However, I have to add that last one to the list of dolls that will haunt me forever. What are those teeth from?  Is this some sort of cannibal baby? 

I'm unsure as to AlsoBeth's motives for terrorizing me, but I have a theory.  I think she wants to establish Total Beth Dominance.  Maybe it's like that movie Highlander, and she'll absorb all my knowledge by destroying me.  I'll have the last laugh if that's the case... all she'll be adding to her brain arsenal is an unhealthy amount of Big Lebowski quotes and a carnival organ song playing on a constant loop in her head.

Time to Celebrate!

Today is World Toilet Day!! It sounds funnier than it is. It's actually a day to bring awareness to sanitation problems in Third World countries, blah blah blah.

However, I think we should celebrate our porcelain thrones the American way... binge drinking.

PS... this is the scariest toilet I have ever seen. I would hold it.

HA! That's What You Get for Wearing That Scary-Ass Mask.

Y'all know how I feel about masks. I could barely stand to post this. But then...

Need Another Ribbon On The Back of Your Car?

It is my goal to one day cover my car entirely in empty causes. The Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation is surely one of them. An "informal support group for problems that were the result of traumatic experiences at petting zoos as children", the CGTF is doing some important work. (Yes, I know it's fake).

Petting zoos are scary!! Frankly... I've had more run-ins with camels than goats (due to the unfortunate camel toe incident at the Creation Museum), but frankly, that experience just showed me that all creatures are not God's creatures, no matter what the religious far right says.

On that subject... wouldn't you expect more religious people to be environmentalists?

Buy a t-shirt here. They're pretty funny.

GAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

I've totally gone off beef jerky.

Twilight Has Officially Taken Over the World.

No, I'm not joking. Here's the website. Truthfully, I can't think of what would be worse than to be trapped on a boat with a bunch of Twi-hards and an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. ("Since we humans still enjoy eating, the chefs will be working around the clock preparing your favorite foods and this is included in your cruise fare! So is 24 hour room service!")

Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, be prepared to be inundated with questions about Robert Pattinson... that's pretty much going to be what takes up the 8 days that you will be huddled in your room with no exit and a screaming horde of Tiger Beaters that seem unable to type in anything but exclamation points:

"Wait Till You See Where You Will Be Going!!Your Alaskan Explorer cruise begins in Seattle. (Yikes! Hopefully there won't be any "newborns" there)! We sail from Seattle to Glacier Bay - one of Alaska's most beautiful glacier regions where you can watch Glaciers "calve" in front of your very eyes... totally awesome!"

Via con Dios, kids. I'll be happy to watch my dvd in my living room with no lights on and the sound really low so no one can tell I'm watching it for the fortieth time.

OH HELL TO THE NO.

V is back. This tv show scared the CRAP out of me when I was a little kid. Wanna know why I'm terrified of masks? THIS SHOW!! People ripping their faces off to show reptile heads underneath? Who WOULDN'T be traumatized by this?

Now I'm obligated to watch, Alan Tudyk and Morena Baccarin from Firefly are in it, as well as Elizabeth Mitchell from Lost. AND IT LOOKS LIKE ALAN TUDYK'S FACE GETS RIPPED OFF. When this airs, and you can't find me for a few days, look in the back of one of my closets. I'll be there, huddled in fear. And probably smelly. And definitely demanding that you show me you can't rip your face off.

Miss USA: Spreading Right-Wing Messages of Hate Since 1952

There's nothing like using a forum for public entertainment to spread your message of intolerance. Little girls everywhere learned yet another reason why pageants are instruments of evil last night when Miss California emphatically described how marriage is defined in her family and, apparently, HER country. Guess we know ONE family who voted for Prop 8.

Careful honey- you just got a hit put out on you by the Velvet Mafia. Bad idea for a beauty queen.

Is Anyone Else Wondering Whether They Aren't... STATUES?

Ah... to blog or not to blog about more celebrity mental illness. Apparently Lindsay Lohan was throwing eggs at paparazzi the other night, but blogging about her would be a 24/7 gig. Plus, does she really rate as a celebrity anymore? ZZZZING!!!!

Anyway, I figured reviewing the pedophilic statuary being auctioned off out of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch would be more fun. From the Daily Mail:

Creep-tastic!!

Seriously... I think MJ had some kids bronzed.


OK... not all of it is creepy.

But most of it is.

Carousel Horse? meh. Check out the Zoltar machine in the background! Big!! HOLLA!

Is the little faun blowing a horn a metaphor?

Insert your own joke here... my brain has exploded.

Mall Easter Bunnies and Santas: Mascots for Evil.

Happy Easter everyone. Hope you can sleep tonight.

Will They Be Selling This Line At Target?

Fashion Week reared it's ugly head again last week at the Alexander McQueen show. Looks like "l'enfant terrible" is back... to being one step away from BDSM. Can't wait to get my McQ Ball Gag at Target!

PS- no, you're not seeing things, those ARE soda cans on their heads.

I May Just Qualify As a Stalker Now...

I've actually just scared myself with my cyberstalking... and not just of the celebrity variety. Several years ago I worked at a law firm from which I got canned, and lost touch with a good friend.

Normally, through the wonder of Facebook, one can reconnect with a minimum of awkward questions about how you tracked them down. Sadly, this friend is apparently some sort of interwebs luddite without a Facebook account.

She is, however, a regular player at the Beverly Center for the Arts, which is where our fair tale begins. I discovered this because I used my amazing powers of information gathering (Google)... and learned that you can contact the Beverly Theater Guild via email. So, in possibly the most creepy thing I've ever done in my life, I sent the following email:

Hi-

This is a totally weird and potentially stalkerish sounding email, but I used to work with [OLD FRIEND] about 7 years ago, and I lost touch with her. She was a great friend, and I’ve missed her, and saw her listed for The Full Monty, and I was wondering if you could give her my contact information!

I would greatly appreciate it.

Birv.

UGH. How creepy is that? I didn't sign it Birv. It probably would have been more awesome/creepy if I had. I will keep that in mind for the next time I decide to stalk someone.

Details about whether my stalking was successful to come.

Attack of the 3D Eyebrows

Since the cancellation of Pushing Daisies, I have been suffering from a severe deficiency in caterpillar eyebrows. Zachary Levi fills the void rather nicely. Le sigh.

Thusly, hooray for the return of Chuck last night!! Monday night at 7 pm is a traffic jam of awesomeness for Birv (House, Chuck, Gossip Girl, Superstars of Dance), and it causes me to have heart palpitations. How do I choose what to watch? I can only tape two shows on my TiVo!!! Chuck won out last night, as it had been off the air since the week before Christmas. Gossip Girl won out last night... well, just because (teacher/student sexytime? I'm totally watching). I figured I could Hulu House.


There were some notably giggle-inducing moments last night on Chuck: a few Arrested Development references (NO TOUCHING!) thanks to Tony Hale's winning guest spot as assistant manager of the BuyMore; Chuck being manhandled by some literal femme fatales (can you show someone's wang being groped on network tv?? Apparently you can).

However, the show wasn't really what I wanted to discuss here. Can we discuss why 3D camerawork gets trolled out every few years? From the recent (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) to the old (Ewoks: The Battle for Endor you know you remember it), 3D TV never, ever works... it just looks like everything is slightly out of focus. I spent most of last night's episode of Chuck thinking that my new glasses were the wrong prescription.

I'm no fan of stunt casting (take note, 30 Rock... no more Jennifer Aniston guest spots), and I can now definitively say that I'm no fan of stunt camera work. Let a show stand on it's own merit. Chuck is an entertaining, cleverly written show. It doesn't need stunts for ratings. Airing an episode in 3D is stupid. Who the hell has 3D glasses sitting around their house?

Sidenote- I never realized how scary Ewoks really were.

Madonna's Zombie Gooch Has Burned My Retinas.

Frankly, I'm just plain frightened now. (But not enough to keep me from posting a triple hat! Boo-Yeah!) Warning- the picture below is INCREDIBLY scary if you click on the high-res.

Thanks to The Superficial for keeping me awake at night.

Is She...Really? Wait... What?

I have seen enough eye-scorching pictures of Amy Winehouse in the past few months to make me need a guide horse, so maybe I'm not seeing this right... please help me out here. Is...is she peeing? Does she have a penis?? Did she grow one while she's been on vacation? Is her new boy toy there (Joshua Bowman) that desperate to start a film career?

I'm confused, and a little frightened. This was not covered in Where Did I Come From.

Happy New Year!!

Frightening Thai Mascot says think before you drink and drive! I hope you all have a safe, mascot-free New Years Eve, and I'll be thinking joyous thoughts for all of you, as I imbibe a bottle of wine and some fried chicken.

Netflix, here I come!!!

What the Hell Happened to Joaquin Phoenix?

P.Diddy looks TERRIFIED in this picture. Frankly I don't blame him, Joaquin Phoenix looks like he's a step away from carving a swastika between his eyebrows and screaming "I'M CHARLIE MANSON! I'M CHARLIE MANSON!" in his face.

A Tip, Gentle Readers. Moisturize, Early... and Often.

Donatella Versace, you know I'm here to help. Remember when we discussed bringing a little taste and glamour off the runway and into your own life?? Yeah... that includes the beachwear. Words to live by: no outfit is complete without sunscreen, especially when you vacation on the sun.

The most frightening thing... you're 53 years old. You look like a piece of beef jerky with softballs shoved into it.

Hugs and kisses (wait... no),

Birv

PS- you owe me a new pair of eyeballs.

Rhino Safety Procedures

I saw this on Geekologie, and felt the need to post it for all my non-Geekologie readers. On one hand, this falls into the scary category of masks, clowns and mascots, on the other I can't stop laughing at it. Those crazy zoologists! (You thought I was going to make an Asian joke, didn't you? Admit it.)

It's important to be prepared for a rhino attack at all times, but I can't help thinking that the beast in question would be slightly more fleet of foot. I definitely think we wouldn't have time to raise the volleyball nets.

Dear God, Let This Be True.

Given that it is coming from the Daily Mail, which has the journalistic gravitas of a Cheez-It, it may not be true, but hey. One can hope. While I hope that Sarah Palin was really a robot and de-activated her immediately after the concession speech, I also want to think that the GOP is blaming her for losing the election, and are taking their proverbial ball and going home. The Daily Mail reports:

The bitter McCain backlash against Sarah Palin continued today as it emerged that Republican Party lawyers were heading to Alaska to retrieve her $150,000 (£95,000) campaign clothes.
The vice-presidential candidate's hopes of challenging Barack Obama in 2012 took a big dent as simmering tensions with the McCain camp finally boiled over into wide-ranging criticism of her conduct.
In a string of damaging briefings, it was claimed that Mrs Palin had spent 'tens of thousands' more on her clothes than budgeted for, that she once met McCain aides dressed in nothing but a towel and that she did not know Africa was a continent.
She was also unable to name the nations in the vitally important North American Free Trade Agreement.
There are only three. Her own, its northern neighbour Canada and its southern neighbour Mexico.

I especially pray that she met John McCain in a towel once... it may explain her daughter getting knocked up. "This is how you get ahead in the world, baby girl!" It is also widely rumored that she had a concession speech of her own to give, and that McCain's advisors laid the smackdown on that idea. My own hope is they stuffed her mouth full of venison right before the speech and shoved her out on stage.