A Letter to President Obama

Dear Mr. President,

I know you're really busy killing off the nation's grandmas with your devil managed healthcare, but I have to address a matter of greater importance to us both. Barack, your favorite restaurant and mine, The Dixie Kitchen & Bait Shop in Hyde Park, has been torn down. Now, I know they are still open in Evanston and Lansing. But frankly, Evanston for soul food? Really? Please. We both know that's not an option. Also- I don't even know where Lansing is.

I know the Dixie Kitchen means a lot to you, 'Rack (can I call you 'Rack?), since you went on Check, Please! and talked about it. You may have heard the Calypso Cafe next door bought the menu, but I ate there last night, and they're just ruining it. I know you love those Johnnie Cakes. I do too. THEY AREN'T THE SAME. Now they're just pancakes with cornmeal thrown in. No subtlety. I don't even want to try the peach cobbler. It probably has some sort of rum in it now. Stupid Caribbean food.

B.O. (hey, your initials are sort of funny. Did you get made fun of a lot for that? I get that. My initials are BJ, and boy, some of the things I heard! But I digress.), I'm sure you're pretty tied up turning into Hitler with your socialist agenda (which doesn't make sense to me, I mean sure, Nazi has the word 'socialist' in it, but I don't really think you're up for genoci... WHOA. The grannies. Now I see what they mean!). Anywho, since you're the big guy in Washington, I bet you have some pull now. I see this as a matter worthy of the National Guard.

B-Rock, feel free to leave your updates on your progress this matter in the comments. When it's open again, we can go there together to celebrate, and I'll buy you a pulled pork sandwich. Sound good?

Lots of love,

Birv

PS- I voted for you, so I think that I can call in that favor now.

Ooh La La!

Yeah, they're BOTH totally checking her out. Rock on with your bad self, Obama! Ps... anyone else think Sarkozy is the least French-sounding name ever?

That's a Weirdly Specific Job.

Remember how I was all upset about House and what will heretofore be known as "That Stupid Suicide Episode" yesterday? No? Let me recap.

Fox touted Monday's show as "the one episode that comes along every season that BLOWS YOUR MIND." I hate when networks advertise like this. Do people really fall for it? It's as bad as when every single Law & Order was "RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES".

So anyway, one of the new doctors randomly shot himself. At the end of the episode there was a Public Service Announcement type message "if you are considering suicide, call this number", which is frankly, completely un-House. It could only have been made worse if they made Hugh Laurie narrate it. Actually, I hope they asked and he told them to pound sand.

Making it even worse... the House website has an honest to god memorial to the character. Not the actor, the character. Obviously, House watchers are drooling simpletons that can't distinguish between reality and television.

Way to go, Fox. It's situations like this that cause fairy godmothers to curse children.

ANYWAY...apparently there was a need to get Kumar off the show rather sharpish, because he's joining the Obama Administration. NPR reports:

Actor Kal Penn has been named to an Obama administration liaison post that connects the Executive Branch to people in the entertainment industry and Asian-Pacific groups. Penn is best known for his portrayal of Kumar in the stoner films Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle and Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. He was most recently in the Fox TV drama House.

So I guess kudos to him... because clearly, this is a man that should hold office.

St. Patrick... Patron Saint of Beer Goggles

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Fonzipan readers!! Take a moment to thank your liver for all it puts up with from you.

Show Us Your... OBAMA?!

This was going to be an punditwear post, but then I got to looking at the other types of beads that the MardiGrasOutlet has, and I figured that this is "best of" worthy.

U.S.A. LOVE IT!!! Love it...

Tricky Dick? Gang sign? Pirate?

Sushi. It's sushi!!!! With an elegant touch of pearls between.

I honestly think the hula dolphins are my favorite. Something about a sea-based mammal in a bra...

This tiger is leering so filthily I don't even want to search in his pot o' gold.

La cucaracha...

Who puts boobs on a frog? Why is this erotic?

Ch-Ch-Chohmygod it's a Chia Obama

I love me some tacky Obama memorabilia. This is a great addition... though I would have preferred it if Chia had thought to give you the option to have the herb garden on his head. Then he could be tasty as well as tasteful.

Buy your own here. The website's worth a visit to watch the video to sell the thing too... "Can you grow one? Yes you can."

Obamarama!

Since I watched the Inauguration at work yesterday, I felt bad taking additional time to blog about it... heh. I fell in love when he messed up the oath, I cried, I got chills. I read his Inaugural Address 3 times.

As he begins his first day in the Oval Office, I am filled with hope, pride and confidence, and a realization that his bold message yesterday was not just a bunch of pretty words, but a call to America to act now. His impassioned speech got me to get off my ass and volunteer for the first time in 6 years, and I'm going to get on my soapbox to invite you to do the same. Here is the link to Volunteer Match.org... those that read this blog are pretty lucky to be surrounded by plenty. If you feel inspired, do something about it!

The Man Is Everywhere... including your pants.

As much as I love campaign clothing, how on earth did these pass me by this political season?? New York Daily News reported these Andrew Christian designs in JUNE for heaven's sake! I'm ashamed that I missed these, and I will try to remain abreast of any new pundit wear in the future.

As for the recent Illinois political climate, I am choosing to remain mute, though I will say I that I find it interesting that people seem more taken aback at the blue language of the tapes than the fact the governor (and his wife) were trying to sell a political position.

It's rather like being more upset that there's a bloodstain on the new carpet than the fact that your husband was just murdered.

OBAMA! OBAMA! OBAMA!

"I was brought to read about and remember a time when the political life of the American republic seemed charged with possibility, nuance, complexity, electric contradiction and the dawning of a politics of difference, a new kind of democratic pluralism. The courageous people of the African-American civil rights movement desired and fought for freedom and justice with such ardor that those mighty abstractions, impossibly remote yet essential to life, became imminent, graspable, present in the world."

Above is a quote from Tony Kushner, writing about the political climate he remembers surrounding Kennedy and the civil rights movement of the early 1960's. In light of the election results last night, that same sense of hope and social revolution holds true through electing Barack Obama. This sense of promise and excitement doesn't stem completely from the nation's first black president, though that part of history can't be ignored.

Obama has often been compared to John F. Kennedy, champion of civil rights, and a keystone in enabling last night's results. In listening to the strength, determination and elegance of both men's speeches, that comparison is apt. The comparison between Obama and Kennedy goes deeper than charisma and eloquence. Both men had a sense of decency that seems rare in American politics, a genuine tolerance for everyone. They shared a belief in the American political process as an agent for change, and both men rallied a nation to activism.

Last night, Obama did more than graciously accept the daunting task of reviving this country. Last night's speech was a call to action: "So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other."

Watching the jubilant crowd in Grant Park, a few short miles away from where I live, I was moved. I believed in the power not only of our new president elect, but of that crowd, 100,000 strong. For today, at least, I believe that we can change this nation together.

Americans are so tacky.

I'm blowing right by pundit fashion, and into political food. Introducing... candidate cookies! Now offering new flavors... the bitter stale stink of disappointment and the sweet sugary taste of hope.

If you're into biting the heads off of political leaders, or getting your rocks off at an Election Party, get em here.

A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Polls...

Actually, it happened AT the polls. I broke the touch-screen poll! Excited about my civic duty, I roll in to my polling location at 7 am, and an abnormally chipper polling assistant (I think we'll call her Mitzi) gets me VERY excited about the joys of the new touch-screen voting methods. Mitzi gives me a little hotel-room keycard and points me toward one of two touch-screen booths. I sit down and push my voter card in until it goes "click", just like the directions tell me to. I select English as my primary language, and suddenly the computer spits out my card and tells me to get a polling assistant. Mitzi's busy, but Chet comes over to help me (equally chipper for 7 am) and can't help, so he gets Barb. Barb brings over 4 keycards, and none of them work, the screen is frozen. So I have to use the strange new "Scantron Matching Quiz" paper ballot... which is fine. I just hope that I don't end up on the news tonight for somehow being counted as a double vote. I just said I wanted the touch screen in English! I swear!

I'm worried about the whole touch-screen thing anyway... I somehow feel that both these votes and the early votes will somehow be discounted by the Republicans... why not drag out that old boat again? It's worked twice before. It is a strange testament to American society that individuals can more successfully vote for the next American Idol with more ease and vigor than for our next Commander-In-Chief.

There may be a special "evening" Fonzipan post tonight- either applauding the onset of "the Golden Age" of Obama and the rise of far left politics, or saying my farewell as I begin my quest for Canadian citizenship. Hello socialized healthcare! You're all welcome to visit me and I swear I'll do my best to get you medicine.

Sadly, no Chuck last night. Happily, I DID get to update myself on Gossip Girl, which is always a plus. Those crazy kids on Gossip Girl have me hooked! Chuck Bass denying sex?? Blair doing the right thing?? Jenny Humphrey hosting a guerilla fashion show? Nate macking on a 15 year old? By the way, he's only supposed to be 17, so I don't see why Dan has such a problem with it. Apparently his sluttiness is good enough for BFF Vanessa. Sextacular! Incidentally, kudos to the GG execs for extreme use of eyeliner on Jenny. Nothing shows a tv character's descent into Go Ask Alice territory better than raccoon eyes. You just KNOW she's hanging with the wrong crowd now!

I have to discuss my disgust that tomorrow's Pushing Daisies has been pre-empted by Dancing With the Stars. Apparently, most of America would rather see Cloris Leachman break a hip.

Pundit Jewelry

What is it with us Americans and our need to adorn ourselves with the tackiest crap we can find? We think we're making a statement in support of our candidates, and yet it turns out we're merely making a statement to the world that we collectively ride the fashion shortbus.

First it was the Obama Belt, and now we have Obama hippie jewelry of the type I bought at Lollapalooza in 1993. Put it on some hemp and we're sure to have the support of the 6th grade demographic!

We also have some McCain jewelry, which I have to admit rocks my Obama Belt-less pants off, though I despise the subject matter. Something about the campiness is quite fitting... I am hoping the artist made this in an ironic way. Otherwise it only adds to the lameness. (To be truthful, she does have some things I would totally buy the BFF, so I am now PRAYING that these are ironic, because I want to like her! Here's where you can buy her stuff).

ZOMG she made Palin ones too!

Political statements... now holding up your pants.

I love politics. I love fashion. Now, I can combine the two. Evidently attempting to reach out to the southern constituency, this designer has developed the Obama Belt . I'm trying to think of when it would be appropriate to wear this... especially for $100.

Product Site here, where all proceeds will benefit voter registration in swing states.
NY Times blog "The Moment" here... which has me becoming a steady reader.

In other Birv news... can we discuss my disappointment in this season's Ghost Whisperer? Through the magic of Tivo, I watched last week's today. IT WAS I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER! How cheap can you get? The writers sure seem to be phoning it in at this point.

On the plus side, it had both Rachel Leigh Cook (Josie. How art the mighty fallen) and Jason London (remember him? He was in Dazed and Confused. And nothing else). If you can't throw your washed-up 90's star pals a bone now and then (Jamie Kennedy I'm still looking at you), what good is having your own show?

I'm a political zeitgeist!

So my voter fatigue abated last night after Obama delivered a roundhouse kick to McCain's teeth.

I have to give sick props to Bob Schieffer... he dared to ask the question that I wanted to know- "would you say these nasty things to each other's faces?" Perhaps The Schieff is a Fonzipan subscriber?? (Or perhaps it's because his 100 years on Face the Nation have prepared him to stick political candidates to the wall... whatev.) KUDOS, Mr. Schieffer, you old cooter.

McCain was, in my eyes, an epic FAIL in last night's debate. He came across as a cranky, irritable old man with little tolerance and even fewer plans for his presidency. With the eye-rolling, his huffing, puffing old man noises, the constant interruptions, I half expected him to holler out at Obama to stay off his lawn.

I was also waiting for him to somehow bring Joe the Plumber into the Roe v. Wade debate topic. Maybe Joe the Plumber's teen daughter got knocked up and is choosing to keep the baby? Oh wait... that's his running mate. You know, when I think about it, I wonder if Joe the Plumber's last name is "Six-Pack".

As McCain wandered off-topic seven times (yes, I counted), he confirmed to me that McCain has ideas, and Obama has PLANS. The response where this was most notable was during the education discussion, as Obama laid out a clear plan about both charter school and a $4,000 college credit per year in exchange for volunteer service. McCain could only state that we "need to get loans out there", and point to existing programs, such as Troops to Teachers (great idea- a PTSD teacher and 30 screaming 8 year olds) and Teach for America. His discussion about private school vouchers made me ill... especially when he damaged his own strategy by pointing out that only 1,000 vouchers were given and 9,000 families applied for them in Washington D.C. So sure, it works great for those 1,000 people, but what about the 8,000 that didn't receive them, and the hundreds of thousands of families that weren't even eligible for the program?

As McCain ended with snide remarks ("even though there's not enough [vouchers], you want to abolish that plan. Even though it's working. I see."), I was amazed by Obama's patience. There were several times that, as Obama, I would have turned to McCain and shouted "Shut your stupid face, you pompous idiotic windbag!!" This further cements the idea that I could never be a politician.

But enough about the debates... it's on to PUSHING DAISIES BREAKDOWN!

No other show makes me give a fangirl SQUEEE like Pushing Daisies. I think last night's was probably one of my favorites. The names (Father Eduardo De Donde, Mother Mary Mary, Sister Christian)!!

The visual gags (Ned stuffing his face! Ned gazing at the truffle! Ned and Emerson carrying wall sconces instead of flashlights/candelabras)!!!

The foul-mouthed nun!

NUN PUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Back in black, Nun on the Run... oh too beautiful.

Favorite Lines:

Mother Mary Mary: "Sister Christian is nothing but a heavy-petting power ballad."

Emerson: "We are motoring..."

Olive:"CD's! Magazines! Top Shelf Fem Care! This stuff is all forbidden!"

Drill Baby, Drill!

Not to overshadow the birthday of my dear sis-in-law, but I have come across the funniest thing I have seen this political season. Well, being the funniest thing is actually a pretty easy accomplishment right now, since mostly this political season makes me want to cry.

Now, you too can purchase your own Sarah Palin doll- available in White House ready, Schoolgirl (wholly distubing), and Superhero. Lipstick on a pig, indeed.

I'm thinking of buying one so I can videotape my pitbull tearing it to pieces while wearing a "PrObama" shirt. I think various animal rights groups would support me against this stupid, vicious, pandering hick hunter... don't you?

Dude, get your own!

http://www.herobuilders.com/08.htm