Fat Is a Dirty Word

It's a regular feature on Dateline: NBC and 60 Minutes, and Tyra was a little TOO excited to don her own. As I was perusing the Daily Mail today, as is my gossipy custom, the dreaded fat suit reared its ugly head once more. The title of this article? What Happened When We Sent a "Fattie" to London Fashion Week? Kate Faithfull Reports Back On Her Week On the Fatwalk. Lovely.


I know the Daily Mail has a journalistic brain the approximate size of a walnut, but I absolutely DETEST the use of a fat suit. It is incredibly insulting to think that because one walked around in a pillow all day that they understand what it is like to be obese.



While I will discuss whether these pioneers find any true insight to the social factors of corpulence, I want to first discuss the physical reality of obesity. Zipping up a padded suit doesn't add the extra pressure to joints and organs that true weight produces. Being fat is uncomfortable... a situation that Faithfull seems unable to realize:

When I zip up the fat suit in front of the mirror at home the day before the shows, I feel absurdly comfortable, warm and snuggly. It is on loan from fancy dress shop Angels, who usually lend it to am-dram productions...It feels as cosy (and as hot) as being wrapped in a duvet.

Being fat is not just like being swathed in a Snuggie. Fat is a PART of you, not something that one sheds at the end of the day like a winter coat.

The effect, though, is very soft and sexy. There are no rolls of wobbly flesh: my stomach is gently rounded and my magnificent bosom looks like something you’d want to rest your head on and fall asleep in for 100 years.

This is one of my true problems with fat suits- the results are not realistic. You're walking around in a pillow... things stay perky and fluffed out. Fat has weight... and things droop, sag and roll. A woman donning a fat suit is not spending hours in front of a mirror contemplating whether the material of her shirt is too thin because her belly button is casting a shadow, or whether she needs to buy a different dress because this one shows her back fat.

Being overweight is insidious- something that someone deals with over time. As such, so many of the judgments are internal: am I the biggest person in the room? Will I fit in the seat next to that person on the train? I am so busy scrutinizing myself that the supposedly "shocking" revelations about how the general public treats fat people is surprisingly not on my mind the majority of the time. I have, indeed, never noticed someone snickering as I reached for the Pringles. I don't mean to say it hasn't happened, but I have to live my life every day looking the way I do; if I kept an ear open for every comment, or watched for every gawker, I'd never be able to leave the house.

I often suspect that the treatment that fat-suiters often receive is because they are so clearly playing a part; humans are fairly adept at sniffing out trickery (for all that Howie Mandel says otherwise), and I feel that this is what people often respond to. We must also remember that these primetime specials and articles are edited to include the most abhorrent behavior that the journalist received, and as such, we may only be seeing the two or three ignorant jackasses that exist. We may also never know if these cads were provoked... this is an age of ratings and rampant yellow journalism after all. Which brings us back to the Daily Mail's attempt at social experiments:

As I wait in the busy queue for the show, surrounded by hundreds of air kisses that aren't aimed at me, I feel everyone's eyes upon me. But when I try to make eye contact and smile back, the wall of pupils fixed on me roll away. I am the elephant in the room. Do they think that fat is catching?
But maybe I'm imagining the way these people stare and then look into the middle distance just beyond my left ear. 'No,' says Nick, the photographer I've brought with me. 'Everyone is definitely gawping at you.'

Of course they're gawping at you... this is the most ridiculously fake looking fat suit I've ever seen. Not only is your face so normally sized that you look like a bloated tick, but you can see the lines of your padding. If they were staring at anything, they were wondering why you were in costume. You're also wearing the most hideous combination of 80's colors I can imagine.

What is the goal of these fat suit exposes? Are these people trying to break ground here? What ugliness of the human condition are they shedding light on, cruelty or obesity? The reality is that what it's really like being fat is lost on reporters that take a tour in a fat suit, because at the end of the day, these bright, successful thin people go back to their ordinary lives.

An Open Letter to the Technological World.

Hello Kittens,

Birv here. I understand that portable technology is a grand thing, and allows us to be in contact at times when we previously haven't been.

We must remember that there are certain times in which being in contact with people is still...taboo.

Do you remember when you lived in a house with a corded phone? Where was the phone located? Was it in the bathroom? It was not, was it?

That's right, there was a time where potty privacy was a deeply held belief. To many, including Birv, the bathroom is still a place where one can go to escape from the techno-saturated world. Some people don't like to have their every bathroom noise broadcast to your pals on the other end of the line, and we certainly don't care if you're going to a job fair, and whether or not Janice wants to go.

The joy of your phone being portable? It is NOT attached to you. You can leave it at your desk. The 2 minutes it takes for you to pee is a time that someone can wait for you to return the call.

Let's have a little Emily Post moment here: just because you CAN bring your phone into the bathroom doesn't mean you SHOULD bring it into the bathroom.

Kisses.

Thanks to Geekologie for the picture, and for (hopefully) understanding the laptop stays outside the potty.

All Quiet On the Crazy Front

The Daily Mail shows us that Amy Winehouse has not yet OD'ed in her hotel room on St. Lucia, and in fact looks like she may be getting off the crack/heroin/hairspray she's been smoking. However, I am beginning to wonder why Amy Winehouse is traipsing around the island with a horde of children and puppies. Maybe she's hungry?

BIRV LOVES BIRTHDAYS!!!

Happy Birthday to my oldest friend (not by age, but by number of years knowing you), KT. In honor of our 27 (!) years of knowing each other... I wanted to post a video from our past that haunts me.

It's also the reason that to this day, I can only count to 12.

Forget Kevlar. Get a Weave!

While I am beyond impressed at her cavalier attitude towards GETTING SHOT IN THE HEAD, I think my favorite part of this newscast is the segment caption behind the reporter... "unbeWEAVEable!"

30 Second Bunnies

Angry Alien Productions makes me smile. REALLY makes me smile... although you can't embed all of their best 30 Second Bunnies... such as the Twilight and Star Wars ones. How can I look funny through the use of other people's creativity without an embed code??!?!

Anyway, check out the website here, the Bunny re-enactments make me laugh. You can also check them out on the Starz website here.

Ugly Is the New Black.

Oh I missed you guys. I have so much to tell from my vacation (Creation Museum? Holy Crap.), but as I am still collecting my thoughts (and pictures), that'll have to wait. Until then, as you may or may not know, it's Fashion Week in New York... which means that the ridiculous are on parade. For your enjoyment, I trolled through New York Magazine's Fashion section, and picked out a few of my favorites. The couture shows are typically more...absurd, but there were some stand outs from the RTW shows.

I realize I probably should have credited the designers here, but I didn't really think about that until it was way, WAY too late to go back and find them all. So they can suck it.

Just in time for Mardi Gras.

This is the DESIGNER. Not Joking. Though I guess I can't fault him for being all about drama on the runway... if he shows up to dinner wearing this, we may need to have a talk.

Hefty hefty hefty!

Clowns scare the crap out of me, and this is close enough. Kind of reminds me of Babes in Toyland. Please god I hope that wasn't the inspiration for this collection.

This guy looks so miserable I don't even know where to start. He's featured a TON in this show, too.

Goes to show that M.I.A.'s issue wasn't that she had her big preggo belly hanging out... the dress is just plain hideous.

Slap a hat and some riding boots on him and he's Ryan from High School Musical.

Do I even need to make the Hammer joke here? I'm sure you can do it on your own.

This is the start of a disturbing Star Wars trend to the Fall 2009 fashion.

Am I right or am I right?? Looks like something you'd find on Naboo.

Storm Troopers. I'm telling you.

Yeah, I don't know either.

At first I thought this was a mannequin. Then I realized it is a completely terrifying mask.

Paul Rudd Hates Asian Cops. And Hoodlums. And Divers. And Robots...

Sometimes you find the best things in the oddest places. Who would have thought I would have found an early birthday present for KT while spending time in Cincinnati?? I was too excited about sharing this to wait until I came back to post it. The world needs... a disturbingly blonde Paul Rudd kicking some robot tail.

IMDB lists this film with about 7 different titles, but my personal favorite is Jackie Chan presents: Metal Mayhem... particularly because Jackie Chan makes no appearance whatsoever. Perhaps he was in the first one (this is a sequel, after all). Don't ask me why Paul Rudd felt it was a good career move to do a sci-fi/lung-fu crossbreed, he seems to have had steady work.

Happy early birthday, KT, and know that this comes from a place of love.

On the Road Again...

I will be leaving for Cincinnati for Singlefest with the BFF tomorrow, so I'll be blogless for a while. Rest assured I'll have updates when I get back on Wednesday!

Until then, remember that Cupid rhymes with stupid.

Kisses, Birv

Andy Kaufman You Are Not!

As Amy Winehouse is still off shooting up in a hotel room in St. Lucia and Britney Spears' dad is still crushing up her lithium and baking it into her food, Joaquin Phoenix remains insane for our entertainment purposes, and is promoting his new, "final" film, Two Lovers, co-starring Gwyneth Paltrow.

Phoenix appeared on The Tonight Show last night, and David Letterman seems clearly befuddled by Phoenix's homage to a weird mix of Bill Murray, Andy Kaufman and the guy who begs for change at the Irving Park exit of 90/94. I still don't get why people are laughing, but I suppose it's better than 10 minutes of a stony-faced audience. It's the same reason people laugh at funerals, I guess. I'm almost beginning to wonder if some of this absurdity stems from Phoenix just not wanting to promote this film...or wanting to, if you think that crazy press is good press. Just remember, JP, faking your own death is a crime, so think about that before you decide to end your "rapumentary" by overdosing on a mix of heroin and Thorazine.

Skip to about 8:29 to see Joaquin Phoenix start swearing at Paul Shaffer. Let this be a lesson: I would think twice about laughing at him... he may set the birds that live in his beard on you.

I Have Absolutely No Idea What to Do With This.

To blog or not to blog... that is the question. According to the Daily Mail, Salma Hayek breastfed a stranger's child while she was filming in Sierra Leone. I am SO conflicted about this, I don't even know what to say.

On one hand, that's incredibly selfless, noble and amazing.

On the other... WTF?!?!?!?! That's so crazy middle ages that my puritanical, overly-sanitized Western mind can't comprehend it.

There's a youtube post on the Daily Mail site... but I draw the line there.

I have the same pre-teen horror that I had when I read The Grapes of Wrath. Grandpa! nooo!

STUPID MOTHER F*#%ING PIECE OF CRAP!! WORK! WOOOORK!

I work in a company with 3 and a half floors, 14 printers and copiers. I shit you not... ALL BUT ONE OF THEM ARE BROKEN RIGHT NOW. How does that even happen? We haven't even been here two hours.

GUH. I don't know why I'm surprised, this happens on a daily basis. I swear to god I'm ready to take a baseball bat to this stupid copier if it doesn't give me my report... actually named the TPS report, without a shred of irony. Screw trying to change people's lives through education. I'm going to become a copy machine repair man. The money HAS to be better.

Always Give Change to Street Performers

From living statues to actors to musicians, I am amazed at people that are able to perform, in any way, in any form, and particularly when they are busking. Big Bro gave me a cd called Street Dreams, which is a recording of various street performers, and it is one of my favorite cd's.

The above is from a documentary along similar lines that will be releasing in April 21st: Playing for Change: Peace Through Music. It's a little long at over 5 minutes for those of us with ADD, but it is a beautiful rendition of one of my all time favorite songs, Stand By Me, by street performers and "spontaneous live performances" around the world, so it held my attention.

Here's some information on what this documentary is all about, and how you can contribute.

http://playingforchange.com/ - From the award-winning documentary, "Playing For Change: Peace Through Music", comes the first of many "songs around the world" being released independently. Featured is a cover of the Ben E. King classic by musicians around the world adding their part to the song as it travelled the globe. This video and "Don't Worry" will be available at iTunes 1.27.09 while other songs such as "One Love" will be released as digital downloads soon; followed by the film soundtrack and DVD in stores on 4.21.09.

Pre-order the CD/DVD "Playing For Change" Songs Around The World" now at amazon.com!http://www.amazon.com/Playing-Change-...

Order the "Stand By Me" and "Don't Worry" now at itunes!http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?id=302032891&s=143441Sign up at http://www.playingforchange.com/ for updates and exclusive content.

Join the Movement to help build schools, connect students, and inspire communities in need through music.

Let It Never Be Said That My Creepy Attention To Detail Is Ineffective

ZOMG my stalking ploy totally worked... I found Old Friend from my past job! She called me!! wooo!! So not only am I a successful stalker, but apparently some people are happy about it. Sadly, she said I should have done it the week before, because then I could have seen her this past weekend in The Full Monty, which actually did feature naked boys on stage. I won't lie, that would have been entertaining.

Lupercalia Festivities... Round Two.

Boom! Double Post. Since I'm traveling next week, I don't want to leave you all hanging. Plus my last post was really painting me to be a sad and lonely loser, and I needed to cleanse that idea. ANYWAY... I want to make sure that you all have your fill of Valentines from the Fonzipan House!!

Check these out from Woot.com, for those of you that no longer want to put your mouth on that special someone.

Playdates For the Socially Awkward

Perhaps it's my crippling social anxiety disorder, but it's becoming clear to me that making new friends after college is surprisingly difficult. It's like asking someone out, but with the added pressure of ensuring that these people don't think that you're in any way trying to actually ask them out. (Don't even get me started on the nebulous world of dating and intimacy. It should be clear to every single one of you that Birv has "special needs" in this area.)

I've recently met two women who I think are boss (yes, I'm totally bringing that word back), and yet I am finding it hard to naturally spark a friendship with either of them that goes beyond a work acquaintance, or being a "friend of a friend". The best way I have come up with to ask if they want to do something sometime is this:

"Do you like to do... stuff? Want to do stuff... with me?"

What's the deal? Why is that difficult? Jesus, all I want to do is go shopping or something, and yet I feel flustered and nervous at their potential response, the same way I felt when KT and I called up THE BOY in 8th grade and played Stairway to Heaven to him over the phone. (Thank god we did not grow up in the era of caller ID and cell phones.) Even to me, my apprehension and giddiness on trying to make a new friend is totally and completely lame. But there it is.

Does a friendship happen naturally? Think of your most recently formed friendship. Who asked who "out"? I know I can't remember... it's as if those friendships just always were there, just waiting to be plucked from the ether.

Perhaps as we get older, our lives become set. It can be trying, to say the least, to add something new into your routine, and adding another person into your social schedule just seems like a hassle. I know I feel like I can't be bothered most of the time. And yet... here I am, hoping that these ladies will find me cool enough to hang with. It's like being 13 all over again. JOY.

The Siblings Can Suck It

I find several songs via television and commercials, a fact for which Big Bro and Sis-In-Law often mock me (despite the fact that Big Bro found Jamie Lidell through a Target ad, but whatever). The fact remains that you can find some incredible artists this way- it is someone's kick-ass JOB to find fresh artists to impact the viewing public emotionally.

The video above is for Oren Lavie's Her Morning Elegance- a song I found about a year ago on a Chevy ad, of all places.  As you can see, this video is awesome, as is the song... so Big Bro, Sis-In-Law, SUCK IT.

Christian Bale Realizes He's Douche, Apologizes.

I would be remiss if I didn't (steal this from The Superficial) give a follow up on the Christian Bale rant. What kind of blogger would I be?

What is going on with celebrities and the admissions of wrongdoing lately? Michael Phelps, Christian Bale, Tom Daschle... are we a kinder, gentler nation, that accepts people's faults? Or is it that living in a media-saturated, 24/7 news-stream, a 'video recorder is on your cell phone so you're always being watched' world, people of merit realize that there's just no use in denying what will inevitably be recorded? (Take note, Republicans... this may be where you're going wrong.)

According to E! News, Christian Bale called into a KROQ morning radio show to apologize... and truly, in a humble way:

"The thing that I really want to stress is I have no confusion whatsoever. I was out of order beyond belief. I was way out of order. I acted like a punk. I regret that.
"There is nobody that has heard that tape that is hit harder by it than me. I make no excuses for it. It is inexcusable. I hope that that is absolutely clear."

As for an explanation of what happened:

"I put so much into what I do and care so much about it and sometimes the enthusiasm just goes awry.
"I'm embarrassed by it. I ask everybody to sit down and ask themselves, have they ever had a bad day and have they ever lost their temper and really regretted it immensely."
"Feel free to make fun of me at my expense; I deserve it completely."

Mock we will... however I will say in his defense that I've had a bad day. I also want to discuss what Bale calls "enthusiasm"... clearly anyone who goes from this:

to this for a movie role puts a lot of unhealthy effort into his craft. It makes me wonder what we ask of actors, and the mindset that these people have. Can someone that does this fully function without a role to play? Did I just go way deep over my obsession with Hollywood crazies?

It Is Your Birthday.

The birthday punches are flying for Mr. Artiste, husband of loyal reader Mrs. Artiste. In honor of last night's manly festivities, I supply you with Old Timey Star Wars.

Happy Slappy Birthday, and I hope I didn't make an ass of myself at your party. whee!

PS- I need to come up with better blog names for you. suggestions?

I May Just Qualify As a Stalker Now...

I've actually just scared myself with my cyberstalking... and not just of the celebrity variety. Several years ago I worked at a law firm from which I got canned, and lost touch with a good friend.

Normally, through the wonder of Facebook, one can reconnect with a minimum of awkward questions about how you tracked them down. Sadly, this friend is apparently some sort of interwebs luddite without a Facebook account.

She is, however, a regular player at the Beverly Center for the Arts, which is where our fair tale begins. I discovered this because I used my amazing powers of information gathering (Google)... and learned that you can contact the Beverly Theater Guild via email. So, in possibly the most creepy thing I've ever done in my life, I sent the following email:

Hi-

This is a totally weird and potentially stalkerish sounding email, but I used to work with [OLD FRIEND] about 7 years ago, and I lost touch with her. She was a great friend, and I’ve missed her, and saw her listed for The Full Monty, and I was wondering if you could give her my contact information!

I would greatly appreciate it.

Birv.

UGH. How creepy is that? I didn't sign it Birv. It probably would have been more awesome/creepy if I had. I will keep that in mind for the next time I decide to stalk someone.

Details about whether my stalking was successful to come.

Stephen King Quote Just an Excuse to Post Robert Pattinson Photo

Stephen King is a funny dude. No, not just funny looking! Stop that! In an interview with USA Weekend, King puts a definitive end to the "Twilight is the next Harry Potter" debate:

"Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people. ... The
real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer
can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good."

No way to sugarcoat that turd. He goes on:

"People are attracted by the stories, by the pace and in the case of Stephenie
Meyer, it’s very clear that she’s writing to a whole generation of girls and
opening up kind of a safe joining of love and sex in those books. It’s exciting
and it’s thrilling and it's not particularly threatening because they’re not
overtly sexual. A lot of the physical side of it is conveyed in things like the
vampire will touch her forearm or run a hand over skin, and she just flushes all
hot and cold. And for girls, that’s a shorthand for all the feelings that
they’re not ready to deal with yet."

Frankly, I think Stephen King is completely correct- Rowling and Meyer are nowhere NEAR the same league of writers- it's like comparing C.S. Lewis and R.L. Stine. However, since I think we ALL would much rather look at Robert Pattinson than Stephen King, who definitely has a face for writing, guess whose picture I'm posting?

Yums.

It's Important to Start Thursday Mornings With Dancing!

We all know that I live for the day where I am a part of something like this, so let's just discuss the spasms of delight I'm having right now.

Pirate Lord Joaquin Phoenix Defends Career Change, Hopes to Drag Dermot Mulroney Down With the Ship

Blog bless the Captivate Network. You know...the tv's you find in your elevator. That little sucker tipped me off to a Phoenix Post update!! Good thing too, Amy Winehouse has been really quiet of late, despite having her home robbed. I'm hazarding a guess that she may be dead, but still walking around St. Lucia, Weekend At Bernie's style.

Munchbeard Phoenix recently spoke to a number of reporters regarding his career change to music, according to Rolling Stone. On being asked whether or not his bid for rap stardom was all just a weird ruse:

“I would say the people who said that this is all a hoax are clearly somebody
who is an old friend, or somebody that I worked with on music,” Phoenix
responded. “I’ve worked with a lot of people on music in the past, and often
times those things don’t work out. Sometimes you have some bad blood between
people, and that’s all that I imagine where it comes from.”

He is also hoping to create the new dance craze, classico-rap megafusion:

He also expressed an interest in getting actor Dermot Mulroney to guest on his
album (”He’s an amazing cellist”), which would officially be the weirdest cameo
in rap history. Phoenix thus far has 10 songs for his album, but admitted,
“Three of them I think are really good, including one called ‘Can I Get a
Refund?’ and one called ‘If You’re Going to San Francisco.’ The others I think
are pretty crap but I’ll work on them.”

I'm still calling shenanigans on his oddball behavior of late. As Rolling Stone also pointed out, this press conference was being filmed by Casey Affleck for the "rapumentary":

Keep in mind, though, that even Phoenix’s interview was filmed by two cameras,
including one that was being held by actor Casey Affleck, Phoenix’s
brother-in-law that is filming Joaquin’s pursuit of a rap career for a
documentary.

I'm not saying Grizzly Bill up there isn't crazy. I'm becoming increasingly convinced that one needs to be at least moderately chemically imbalanced to work in the film industry. *coughChristianBalecough* I just think that this entire thing smacks of artifice. Stay tuned. You know I'll be on top of it.

Alec Baldwin IS an Alien. I Knew It!

So I mentioned watching House via Hulu.com last night, and someone asked me what Hulu was. Through divine intervention, I saw the Hulu.com Super Bowl ad for the very first time last night... and it made me laugh like a little girl. Watch, enjoy, understand the wonder of Hulu.com

Did that qualify as an advertisement? I don't know. Maybe they'll pay me. Hooray for HULU!

Attack of the 3D Eyebrows

Since the cancellation of Pushing Daisies, I have been suffering from a severe deficiency in caterpillar eyebrows. Zachary Levi fills the void rather nicely. Le sigh.

Thusly, hooray for the return of Chuck last night!! Monday night at 7 pm is a traffic jam of awesomeness for Birv (House, Chuck, Gossip Girl, Superstars of Dance), and it causes me to have heart palpitations. How do I choose what to watch? I can only tape two shows on my TiVo!!! Chuck won out last night, as it had been off the air since the week before Christmas. Gossip Girl won out last night... well, just because (teacher/student sexytime? I'm totally watching). I figured I could Hulu House.


There were some notably giggle-inducing moments last night on Chuck: a few Arrested Development references (NO TOUCHING!) thanks to Tony Hale's winning guest spot as assistant manager of the BuyMore; Chuck being manhandled by some literal femme fatales (can you show someone's wang being groped on network tv?? Apparently you can).

However, the show wasn't really what I wanted to discuss here. Can we discuss why 3D camerawork gets trolled out every few years? From the recent (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) to the old (Ewoks: The Battle for Endor you know you remember it), 3D TV never, ever works... it just looks like everything is slightly out of focus. I spent most of last night's episode of Chuck thinking that my new glasses were the wrong prescription.

I'm no fan of stunt casting (take note, 30 Rock... no more Jennifer Aniston guest spots), and I can now definitively say that I'm no fan of stunt camera work. Let a show stand on it's own merit. Chuck is an entertaining, cleverly written show. It doesn't need stunts for ratings. Airing an episode in 3D is stupid. Who the hell has 3D glasses sitting around their house?

Sidenote- I never realized how scary Ewoks really were.

Christian Bale Has Anger Management Issues

This is very, VERY NSFW, if your boss has issues hearing the F Bomb being dropped 40 times in over 3 minutes. Apparently, last summer Christian Bale was feeling the creative groove on the set of Terminator: Salvation when the director of photography walked through the scene. Angry tantrums ensued. After careful consideration, I still think he's hot.

Link to the FoxNews story here... though you can listen to the rant above.

People of Britain: You Are Wimps.

Ok... I realize I am a blogging fiend today... but I needed a laugh. Sis-In-Law and I have been discussing the fact that we both have Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder, and you all know what a tough time I'm having with this winter.

Please take a look at the picture above, which is the blizzard that England got today, which shut down London Bus service (which didn't even stop during the Blitz in WWII), the Underground, and closed schools across the nation. An estimated 6.4 million people didn't show up for work. Evidently, this is the worst snowfall they have recieved in 18 years. Based on these photos from the Daily Mail, it looks like it amounted to about 8 inches.

8 inches. 8 F*#KING INCHES... ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? Take a look at the picture below: PEOPLE ABANDONED THEIR CARS ON THE MOTORWAY because of the snow.

Pussies.

Rick Astley Writing a Musical, Apparently Not About Being an Interwebs Sensation.

Apparently, being married to a movie producer qualifies you as a successful screenwriter. Or at the very least guarantees you a greenlight.

The Guardian reports:

"My wife's now a movie producer so I read a lot of scripts and I'm really
passionate about films," Astley said in a recent interview. "One day I thought,
'Well, why don't I write one?' And it turned into a musical – but not for the
stage."

New York Cowboy (sounds oddly familiar) is about a small-town boy who moves to New York City in the 80's. Sounds pretty dull, so I'm hoping that halfway through the movie the audience hears those familiar dulcet tones... never gonna give you up... never gonna let you down...

You Could Probably Rent Storage Space In There.

I'm sure you've heard of the woman who gave birth to octuplets last week on the 26th. I don't even want to THINK of what that does to your insides.

According to People, her mom confirms what the rest of us realized upon hearing the news promos: she's a baby-obsessed nutjob.

Meanwhile, grandma said she is at the home they share in Whittier, taking
care of Nadya's other six other children, ages 2 to 7. And she has a message for
her daughter: When you get home, it's bye-bye, baby. "I'm going to be gone,"
says Angela. ... Nadya Suleman's "obsession" with children, says her mother, caused Angela to seek help from a therapist, who told her to ask her daughter to leave the house. But Angela backed down. "I didn't want to throw her out," she says.

There are only two acceptable reasons to have this many children: 1) to combat Brad and Angelina's attempt at world domination through a larger and therefore more powerful infant army, or, the most appropriate reason, 2) Alien DNA harvesting. We're this close, E.T.!!!

Rapid Advancement In Digital Media Is Not Your Friend

Stop the presses... News of the World discovered a 23 year old male hits the bong once in a while. Here's how Michael Phelps is proving that he is indeed an upstanding citizen and a worthy role model: if he weren't suffering from apparent pool/doob-induced oxygen deprivation, he could have totally denied that was him. Be honest... it looks like every dude you hung out with in college, doesn't it?

And yet... he admitted to it. Here he is, from the Associated Press:

"I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment,"
Phelps said in the statement released by one of his agents. "I'm 23 years old
and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and
inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this,
I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again."

News flash- Michael Phelps also hangs out in Vegas strip clubs, drinks booze, and totally takes advantage of the scads of pussy his fame grants him. *GASP!* Come on. He's 23. Would you any different? Especially if, for the first time in your young life, you went from being "that dorky dude with the Dumbo ears that never leaves the pool" to being the supreme god of all things athletic?

If you want to be a bastion of morality and eliminate people that have ever rocked the ganj from your life- you would have to remove the president from office, stop watching TV, throw out all your books and delete every single song from your iPod that you've ever listened to.

The real crime here? That Michael Phelps didn't appear to understand what the bright flashy thing was that went off in the hand of the weird guy that ran away shouting "Yes!!! CHACCHHHINGGGG!!"