Girl Crushes, Boy Crushes, and Tiny Golden Men

Ladies, gents, my GirlCrush. I just love her. Enormous talent, and that goddamned perfect hair. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life, but if I could pick someone's life, it would probably be Kate Winslet. She's friends with Emma Thompson, she has that stupid awesome accent, I've never seen a movie of hers I didn't enjoy (though The Holiday was pushing it... be glad you had Jude Law in there too), she has a beautiful sense of style, and seems to be intelligent. Of course, that accent makes anyone sound smarter than an American... she could be talking about how her favorite book is Green Eggs and Ham and she'd make it sound like it was written by Proust.

She didn't really do anything this year except deliver the Best Actor Oscar (Oh Dude, I'm so happy you won! You are forever that guy I would most like to eat chips and salsa with while talking about nothing), but in the spirit of Sandra Bullock's eloquent acceptance speech, Kate Winslet, you are my lovah. (Do I think Sandra deserved to win? Absolutely not. This is Julia Roberts all over again- just because you moved from Romantic Comedy to Family-Friendly Drama does not a "departure" make. But I love Sandra Bullock, I think she is intelligent, down-to-earth, and humble, so I am not all shitty about her win.)

As for men at the Oscars... ALL HAIL TOM FORD!!! pssst... in case you aren't a clothes whorse (see what I did there?), that's him up above. Does this man know how to cut a suit or what? I want him to be my best gay friend and talk fashiony things and have green tea, but I also have the sneaking suspicion that I would always feel hideously unattractive and rumpled next to him. Does he hide an iron somewhere on his person? How is this man always so put together??

Moving on from Tom Ford the man to Tom Ford the designer... I told you he can cut a suit. Ryan Reynolds, you are so nice to look at. Especially when you inexplicably don't have your sickeningly beautiful young wife on your arm and hide your ring finger. Thank you for not ruining my fantasy.

For no reason at all, I added Gerard Butler. I go back and forth on this guy. I like him, then I think back to movies like The Ugly Truth and Phantom of the Opera. But then he seems so affable and handsome here. But The Bounty Hunter! But those eyes... a mystery that shant be solved here. Alas.

I added a non-Oscar picture of my latest film crush, Sam Worthington (don't worry Lee Pace, you're still #1 with a bullet. Despite your involvement in Marmaduke), because he DID have his girlfriend with him, and... well... I really like this picture. Dude was sporting some crazy nerd specs last night- did anyone else see it? Am I wrong to think that his enormous 1962 Harry Carey glasses simply made him sexier? Has it been... a while for me in that department? Yes. Still. This guy is 100% machismo for me, which is super appealing. He also looks weirdly, comfortingly familiar to me, like we hung out in college. Which we (obviously) didn't.

What was up with weird eyewear last night anyway? Yes, T Bone Burnett, I am looking at you. I may envy your musical giftiness, your relationship with Jeff Bridges and the Coen Brothers, but this does not excuse your Jim McMahon sunglasses habit. Do you have a wonky eye? It's ok if you do. Just let me know. I am the curious type... I must know what you're hiding back there.

I cried a fair few times last night... Mo'Nique, Sandra, but I was never so touched as when Matthew Broderick, Molly Ringwald, Duckie, the Geek et al paid tribute to John Hughes. If you are 29-40, you lived and died by the Brat Pack, and seeing these folks speak so warmly about a man that helped us all get through some truly awkward growing pains was a fitting tribute. Sidebar... what the hell happened to Molly Ringwald? I honestly didn't think this was her.

Anyone feel like the "So Long Dead Folks" montage was a little light? That's because it was. Way to leave out Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur, jerks. Apparently the card on the biggest gift was NOT from you.

Best Music nominees via Interpretive Dance! Surprise appearances by a shiny-coated NPH (love you! You too, Stanley Tucci)!

I could go on and on... but I feel like Tom Hanks... "Hurt Locker. Good night everyone!"

So I'll stop now.

Sarah Jessica Parker, you are a very severe-looking woman. Stop pulling your hair back, it isn't helping.

Finis.

Pictures courtesy of Oscar.com