Thursday, October 30, 2008

Obama vs. the Steamed Dumplings

So I didn't watch the Obama infomercial. I figured, I'm already voting for the guy, so unless he's giving me a deal on acne cream, or a device to cook a comically large turkey leg, I don't really need to hear anymore.

In the battle between dead-horse campaigning and my favorite show's dying ratings, a choice had to be made.

So I watched Pushing Daisies. I'll be honest, this wasn't the best episode. The balance between procedural and romance was off this week, and the writing wasn't quite as sharp as usual. However, it still maintained enough moments for me to mark it as the most original thing on TV this week. Who can not love this show? Dim Sum poker. Stephen Root guest starring. Highly enjoyable. Plus, hooray for the return of Simone!

The most sigh-worthy moment of the night? Ned reconnecting, physically, with his half-brothers. The look on his face during the hug! *single tear*

Best lines of the night:

Narrator: This was the first time Emerson Cod had ever been ordered to...

Simone: Come.

Olive: Keep walking! I love gongs! Nothing wrong with that!

I also watched the second episode of Stylista, the CW's new Devil Wears Prada-esque reality show, in which the contestants compete for a chance to be an editor at Elle magazine. What a wonderfully bitchy group of people! I mean, reality shows are usually cast with your rank and file attention-whores, gay stereotypes, rich bitches and that one regular Joe, but this show takes it to a whole new level. The people on Stylista HATE each other, and make no bones about it. There's no polite "excuse me, but I think you're idea is crap" here. There are shouting matches, eye-rolling, head-shaking and mockery all over the place, and it's only the second week of the competition!

I could give a rip about the world of fashion editing, and the challenges that the teams are given each week. I like this show because the contestants are systematically attempting to destroy each other, which is all too appropriate for the industry these people are trying to break into. Of course, Life is moving into the same time slot next week, so I have some TV choices to make. What's a girl to do?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Pundit Jewelry

What is it with us Americans and our need to adorn ourselves with the tackiest crap we can find? We think we're making a statement in support of our candidates, and yet it turns out we're merely making a statement to the world that we collectively ride the fashion shortbus.

First it was the Obama Belt, and now we have Obama hippie jewelry of the type I bought at Lollapalooza in 1993. Put it on some hemp and we're sure to have the support of the 6th grade demographic!

We also have some McCain jewelry, which I have to admit rocks my Obama Belt-less pants off, though I despise the subject matter. Something about the campiness is quite fitting... I am hoping the artist made this in an ironic way. Otherwise it only adds to the lameness. (To be truthful, she does have some things I would totally buy the BFF, so I am now PRAYING that these are ironic, because I want to like her! Here's where you can buy her stuff).
ZOMG she made Palin ones too!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I'm on Google's Search Assistance!!

This is actually a monumental day for blogger Birv... if you type Fonzipan into Google's search bar, the search assistance actually comes up with my site at "Fonzip". Yes, small things like this actually make me very excited. Hooray for meaningless accomplishments!

We'll leave mom's current baby-craze until tomorrow, I'm still processing the horror of the most recent outbreak... so today you get a TV review. Hooray for Chuck! Really... I forget how much I enjoy this show, which is really the only thing I like to watch on Mondays (sorry, Heroes. I'm just not that into you). Anyone who's seen who I tend to date knows I am a sucker for the geeks, and what's better than a show with a cute geek totally out of his element?

Chuck has a lot of aspects that really help me enjoy it- Zachary Levi (le sigh), insider sci-fi/techie jokes (last night's Zune knock was delightful!!), the new addition of Tony Hale (Buster!!) and a genuine sense of light-hearted humor. This is a show where the nerd ALWAYS wins, without resorting to a canned Cinderella story. Chuck pretty much stays a nerd.

Chuck is also an homage of sorts to a peculiar trait of my generation: twenty-somethings that elect NOT to live up to their full potential, choosing instead to avoid the difficult choices in life. Rather than risk the potential for true failure, we seem to grasp onto the idea that if we only chose to apply ourselves, we could do whatever we want. By making the choice to drop out and live well below our percieved expectations, we keep everyone's expectations low... including our own.

Chuck is a TV example of this: kicked out of Stanford 12 credits shy of graduation, Chuck is working at the Buy More, a big-box Best Buy type store, living with his older sister and her fiance, whom he has dubbed Captain Awesome. Both are doctors. Chuck's aimless, though not unhappy. In Season 1, Chuck gets the entire CIA and FBI secret file database loaded into his head, forcing him into a secret double life of a spy.

Season 1 was charming, Chuck fumbling through terrifying situations and surviving through luck and the skills of his CIA and FBI protectors. I prefer Season 2. Chuck is beginning to adjust to the spy life-style, and is beginning to accept that he does have potential. Chuck has leadership, bravery and success thrust upon him, and manages to survive, sparking in him a desire to do more with his life than work at the Buy More. Conflict ensues when he can't, as he needs to maintain his cover. Wow...I totally got deep today! About a TV show! Hire me, Entertainment Weekly!

Anyway, where else can someone save the world by getting to the Kill Screen of Atari's Asteroid?

Monday, October 27, 2008

Seriously... when am I going to get better?

Evil "death illness" has now turned into a lingering chest and head cold... complete with dribbling nose. SOOOO attractive. I feel better though- perhaps sleeping all day over the weekend helped, rather than just making me feel like a bored shut-in loser. Thanks to big brother and sis-in-law for having me over last night! Chicken Kiev! woo! Though I think Jenny Craig would probably frown on deep fried chicken swimming in a garlic butter sauce. It was so f-ing great though.

Winehouse Watch has an update! Naturally. I really want to see the E! True Hollywood Story for her... maybe a Lifetime Movie? Having re-enactments of her nightmare would be simply delightful. So what's new on the Winehouse Watch? Miss Amy was checked into the hospital again- rumors are for rehab (from which she escaped after two days last time), but her publicist says is for a "chest infection" (READ: her lungs have actually turned into Crystal Meth).

That being said, I watched some great movies on Netflix Round-up. I watched Penelope (a sadly under-developed story about a pig-faced girl... something about self-esteem), The Good Night, a convoluted story about dreams vs. reality, written and directed by Jake Paltrow (Gwyneth's bro), The Band's Visit and, courtesy of big bro and sis-in-law we got a freebie, Smart People.
The two most worthwhile films were The Band's Visit and Smart People, two movies about isolation and the necessity of human interaction, something that really resonated for me this lonely, quarantined weekend.
The Band's Visit, a Cannes Film Festival winner, is a short film about an Egyptian police band that gets lost for a night in the wrong town in Israel. The town is tiny, isolated, and completely devoid of music and art, the things that create, as the story is stressing to point out, life. Housed for the night by some quiet, reticent Israeli families, people from these two cultures are forced to interact, and humanity prevails. yay!
Smart People, featuring Dennis Quaid, Ellen Page and an increasingly severe-looking Sarah Jessica Parker proves that no man is an island, no matter how hard he tries to push people away. Quaid and his daughter, Ellen Page, cover up their grief over losing their wife and mother through intellectual snobbery. Their snide remarks and percieved intellectual superiority are a safe and off-putting way to avoid interaction with just about everyone, until Quaid's adopted brother (Thomas Haden Church), an eternal slacker, and love-interest Sarah Jessica Parker shows up and forces the family out of their ivory tower.
While I appreciate the fact that this movie did NOT go for stereotypes (Stick in the Mud professor falls for Free Spirit doctor!), some relationships weren't wholly developed, and Quaid's son in the film seems to be present merely to advance the plot. Still, both movies were well worth watching, and make you feel all warm and fuzzy.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Damn the little petri dishes.

I hate being sick. Let me re-phrase that. I LOATHE being sick, with the burning intensity of 10,000 suns.

Feeling moderately oogie, in which one can still enjoy a peaceful day at home watching movies, is ok. Being huddled in the center of your couch wearing every sweatshirt you can find, under two blankets praying that the vicoden you scrounged up will take effect so that you can fall asleep and not have to think about swallowing because it hurts sucks big donkey balls.

Such was the past two days for me. Today, while I feel better, I still feel crappy, and I'd rather like being at home and sleeping. Not in the stars. One still needs to keep gainfully employed.

The alarming thing, mom, sis-in-law and I all had the same thing, at the same time. Since we were all at the same party on Sunday and got sick at the same time on Tuesday, I'm blaming the little petri dishes, aka the nieces. Particularly the one that wanted to blow her nose on my shirt, for some unknown reason. I'd like to think that she didn't, because I told her that was beyond gross, but who knows? She's six. I wouldn't put it past her.

Along with passing in and out of sleepy consciousness, I suffered a fairly devastating TV blow yesterday. I opened my digital TV converter box and read the instructions, only to find out that the stupid thing won't work with Tivo... the whole reason I got it, since I do in fact have a digital TV. *GASP!* I should have realized that when my dad gave me the Tivo it would have a limited term of use.

God love him, the man has never given me a gift of his own volition that was something that hasn't become obsolete and replaced in his own home... my first computer (Windows 3.1) and the enormous bag phone I recieved for my high school graduation, both of which he asked me to return at the end of summer (ironic, since the phone was supposed to be my safeguard for trips to and from school in St. Louis), the digital camera that takes no more than 6 pictures, and most recently the analog Tivo box that will go dark with the digital conversion in February. It's the thought that counts, I suppose. You have to smile at the effort.

Until February, I will use my Tivo with gratitude. It taped Pushing Daisies for me this Wednesday, which was appreciated, since I was finally passed out by that point. Good show this week... on the naughty side!! I appreciate more and more that while the show is sweet and unassuming, there is a subversive current to it that tempers what could too often be saccharine. It's what I love most about Bryan Fuller's shows. There's a lot of hope and positivity in his shows, tempered with a matter-of-fact view of death, pain and emotion. I think I love Olive's character the most, as main characters go. Perhaps it is the fact that I too have felt the pang of unrequited love so many times before (college was hell- Tyson, Steve, I have forgotten neither of you). I think it is more likely that I love her perpetually perky demeanor that covers that slightly snarky core.

Best lines of the week:

Emerson: "I'll be dental dammed."
Callista Cod: "With a girl like that you probably should be."

Chuck:"I thought you were supposed to be my king-sized duvet of comfort!"
Ned: "Selfishly, I would duvet you right here and now if I could".

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Potty Humor is ALLLLWAYS Funny.

Big brother works in a very strange office. An office in which people, most specifically men (at least I hope you aren't hanging around in the ladies), apparently use the bathroom in pairs. He took this picture at one of his office satellite sites. The Love Toilet? WTF is going on here? This is a level of privacy with which I am most uncomfortable... particularly with my co-workers, who are some of the nastiest people in the northern hemisphere, if you judge by the 9th floor bathroom.

Which brings me to a point near and dear to my heart. It's time for a little bathroom etiquette.

1. If all stalls but one are open, do NOT sit in the stall directly next to the occupied stall.

2. Do not use your cell phone in the bathroom- some people don't want their ass-sighs broadcast to whomever your gabbing to.

3. Do not spit your gum on the floor of the bathroom.
The irony is that I watch the majority of the women that use this bathroom use paper towels to touch everything in the bathroom, including the door. It ain't elves making this mess, people. It's you. Nasty folks.

Monday, October 20, 2008

It's a bitch convincing people to like you.

Sigh. It is a strange phenomenon that the less I want to be with people, the more invitiations I get! I had two birthday parties this weekend, and in the next month I have two weddings, three more birthday parties, a dinner, a Halloween party, a play and an opera with Pseudograndma, and the Twilight extravaganza. Oh, and Thanksgiving. That's like two events a weekend. How the hell am I this popular?

Invitations like this always seem to mount up when I am feeling the most like something that one finds when you flip over a stone- pale, ugly, shell-less and blind. Perhaps my gross insecurities and crankiness are innately attractive to people? By the way, I feel positively ENORMOUS today... Lithuanian food does not sit well. I don't trust the Kugeles (don't ask me what they are either... some sort of potato nightmare).

The plus side of the weekend was that I have yet to have the post-family party debriefing with any side of the family. I have a feeling my mother is stewing in her own meditative juices though... I probably should have talked to her last night and de-fused whatever it is she inevitably has brewing inside her mind.

Regardless of impending mom-phone-doom, I enjoyed my free time last night so much that I came up with a new segment to Fonzipan... the Winehouse Watch! I am fascinated by this poor girl's road to self-destruction.. embarrassed by it? Possibly... though I don't understand how those who care about her fail to do ANYTHING to help this young woman out of what is surely a swan dive to death. My only thought is that they are hoping her early "tragic" demise will seal her in the rock annals of history and her fame will live on. I'm only too happy to oblige by tracking all I can about the junkie.

SO, on to the inaugural Winehouse Watch (and it's a doozy):

Amy Winehouse was filmed screaming that Satan was giving her drugs at the recording studio last week. She also was apparently unable to record one song before trashing her guitar. I am DYING to see this video. Until then, this picture detailing the differences between the wax figure at Madame Tussaud's and the real life image will have to do. Meth kills, people. And so does the devil.

I also had time for Netflix Roundup this weekend: the last two Wonderfalls discs (Bryan Fuller, I want you to be my best friend) and The Good Shepherd.
Perhaps my brain was a tad fried after running around at a one-year-old's birthday party, but I felt totally stupid watching The Good Shepherd. A film about the early days of the CIA directed by Robert De Niro and starring Matt Damon, The Good Shepherd is rife with amazing actors with little to do: William Hurt, Michael Gambon, Alec Baldwin, Timothy Hutton, Joe Pesci, John Turturro and several others complete a cast of characters that have screen-time of approximately 12 seconds each.
This film couldn't decide if it wanted to be a film about the destruction of a family, or a film that chronicles the shady beginnings of an institution with frightening power in the government. At two and a half hours, it tries to do both, which is too much. It feels as though there are about a hundred characters in this movie, and it is difficult to keep track of them all. Additionally, the film spans approximately twenty years and is told asequentially; none of the actors look much older in the "current" scenes, and it is difficult to know what is happening when.
The Good Shepherd could have been great- two messages that stood out were that of the danger of believing, immovably, in one's own actions as well as the dangers of being born entitled and feeling that nothing can touch you. However, these messages were lost in an over-complicated plot that took too much of my brain power to follow, leaving little room to ruminate on deeper meanings.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Political statements... now holding up your pants.

I love politics. I love fashion. Now, I can combine the two. Evidently attempting to reach out to the southern constituency, this designer has developed the Obama Belt . I'm trying to think of when it would be appropriate to wear this... especially for $100.

Product Site here, where all proceeds will benefit voter registration in swing states.
NY Times blog "The Moment" here... which has me becoming a steady reader.

In other Birv news... can we discuss my disappointment in this season's Ghost Whisperer? Through the magic of Tivo, I watched last week's today. IT WAS I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER! How cheap can you get? The writers sure seem to be phoning it in at this point.

On the plus side, it had both Rachel Leigh Cook (Josie. How art the mighty fallen) and Jason London (remember him? He was in Dazed and Confused. And nothing else). If you can't throw your washed-up 90's star pals a bone now and then (Jamie Kennedy I'm still looking at you), what good is having your own show?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

My worst mascot nightmare.

This. This right here is why mascots terrify me. This isn't funny! Not until I pop your little blow up mascot head!

I'm a political zeitgeist!

So my voter fatigue abated last night after Obama delivered a roundhouse kick to McCain's teeth.

I have to give sick props to Bob Schieffer... he dared to ask the question that I wanted to know- "would you say these nasty things to each other's faces?" Perhaps The Schieff is a Fonzipan subscriber?? (Or perhaps it's because his 100 years on Face the Nation have prepared him to stick political candidates to the wall... whatev.) KUDOS, Mr. Schieffer, you old cooter.

McCain was, in my eyes, an epic FAIL in last night's debate. He came across as a cranky, irritable old man with little tolerance and even fewer plans for his presidency. With the eye-rolling, his huffing, puffing old man noises, the constant interruptions, I half expected him to holler out at Obama to stay off his lawn.

I was also waiting for him to somehow bring Joe the Plumber into the Roe v. Wade debate topic. Maybe Joe the Plumber's teen daughter got knocked up and is choosing to keep the baby? Oh wait... that's his running mate. You know, when I think about it, I wonder if Joe the Plumber's last name is "Six-Pack".

As McCain wandered off-topic seven times (yes, I counted), he confirmed to me that McCain has ideas, and Obama has PLANS. The response where this was most notable was during the education discussion, as Obama laid out a clear plan about both charter school and a $4,000 college credit per year in exchange for volunteer service. McCain could only state that we "need to get loans out there", and point to existing programs, such as Troops to Teachers (great idea- a PTSD teacher and 30 screaming 8 year olds) and Teach for America. His discussion about private school vouchers made me ill... especially when he damaged his own strategy by pointing out that only 1,000 vouchers were given and 9,000 families applied for them in Washington D.C. So sure, it works great for those 1,000 people, but what about the 8,000 that didn't receive them, and the hundreds of thousands of families that weren't even eligible for the program?

As McCain ended with snide remarks ("even though there's not enough [vouchers], you want to abolish that plan. Even though it's working. I see."), I was amazed by Obama's patience. There were several times that, as Obama, I would have turned to McCain and shouted "Shut your stupid face, you pompous idiotic windbag!!" This further cements the idea that I could never be a politician.

But enough about the debates... it's on to PUSHING DAISIES BREAKDOWN!

No other show makes me give a fangirl SQUEEE like Pushing Daisies. I think last night's was probably one of my favorites. The names (Father Eduardo De Donde, Mother Mary Mary, Sister Christian)!!

The visual gags (Ned stuffing his face! Ned gazing at the truffle! Ned and Emerson carrying wall sconces instead of flashlights/candelabras)!!!

The foul-mouthed nun!

NUN PUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Back in black, Nun on the Run... oh too beautiful.

Favorite Lines:

Mother Mary Mary: "Sister Christian is nothing but a heavy-petting power ballad."
Emerson: "We are motoring..."

Olive:"CD's! Magazines! Top Shelf Fem Care! This stuff is all forbidden!"

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Oh Hells Yeah.

Nastia Liukin is guest starring on Gossip Girl... and NOT as herself. Yes, I am CRAZY excited. I wonder what role they are going to put her in? I can only imagine that there will be some sort of gymnastics involved. Perhaps circus people... that Nastia is freakishy flexible. Now I need to figure out how to watch both Chuck and Gossip Girl, since they are on at the same time on Mondays.

Of course this may not be a problem for long, as network TV continues to conspire against my happiness. Chuck, Pushing Daisies, Life and Ghost Whisperer are all in danger of cancellation, thus severely marring my current Golden Age of TV. Pushing Daisies is, naturally the most disturbing to discover on this list since I make no secret about being completely in love with every aspect of this show. My calm demeanor is merely a front, I am dying a little inside. Plus, to be honest, I'm not completely surprised: god forbid something intelligent remain on TV for more than 15 episodes.

I just want to enjoy my Cinnamon Toast Crunch in peace.

It's final debate night, and man I am suffering SEVERE voter fatigue. Don't get me wrong, I still care passionately about the issues and am thrilled to exercise my right to vote in 3 weeks. However, how much more debate can we handle? Are we going to learn any new information about the candidates? In the days where media didn't travel at the speed of text, several debates and year-long campaign trails were warranted in order to appropriately visit the constituency. With the amount of exposure these days, I have to ask the question: is a 20 month campaign still necessary?

I am starting to feel like I did when I was 8 and the Oliver North trial was on: can't I just F$*#ing watch The Price is Right?

Thanks to Rachel for the picture, who takes a hard line with miniature dogs.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Weekend Update

I've actually been busy at work today. WTF?? I had a solid four hours in which I did something. ok... that's a lie. Two and a half of those hours were spent looking for the entrance to my building, since the parking lot of my job looks like a demilitarized zone from Afghanistan. I'm going to start bringing my own hard-hat.

So little time to blog, so much to cover.

A new mascot for the collection... Brutus Buckeye (thanks JAX)... It's a seed! Nut? What is a buckeye, anyway? Same with an acorn... are they nuts? Seeds?

not to be confused with Brutus Beefcake:

Stupid tattoos (Tetris, Monty Python AND Stephen Hawking? This guy's never getting laid):

Twilight Countdown: 39 Days (is it me or does this dude have some crazy lettuce? yeah... still hot though.):

And a Netflix Round-up:
Mirrormask, Infamous, Disc 1 of Wonderfalls.

Mirrormask, a product of the Jim Henson studio and Neil Gaiman, was by far the most intriguing, so that's where I'm gonna get my movie review ya-ya's this week.

Helena (who looks eerily like a child Helena Bonham Carter) is a creative teen born to the circus (circus!!) and dreams of running away to an average life.

After her mother lands in the hospital, Helena stays with her non-circus life grandmother, and fills her room with pen-and-ink sketches of a world built in her own imagination. During a dream, Helena falls into this world of her own making.

A sepia-toned CGI dreamscape, Mirrormask is a "down the rabbit-hole" story along the lines of Alice in Wonderland, The Wizard of Oz, The Phantom Tollbooth, Labyrinth, The Never-Ending Story... oh, the list goes on. Unlike these stories, Mirrormask does not focus on Helena growing up. Rather, Helena's journey finds her fighting to stay true to her alternative, creative self. Mirrormask celebrates the desire to keep a childish imagination and enthusiasm.

Mirrormask explores duality: light and shadow, truth and lies, masks and reality. Sadly, it does this without the fast dialogue and wit that I have rather come to expect from Gaiman, NOR does it have an awesome soundtrack David Bowie Labyrinth style. It does have a pretty killer version of The Carpenter's Close to You. That was worthwhile.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Blog requests! Does that mean I'm popular??

ZOMG... people are telling me stuff to blog about. That makes me feel like I've made it. Or like I'm writing people's essays in high school (They swore they liked me!!!). Just kidding. I never did that.

Anyway... two fab things to post about today:

40 pictures from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, which I have no hesitation in posting, because it serves Warner Brothers right for moving the movie's release back 8 months. It looks like some of my favorite book moments have made it to the screen... though after watching the fifth movie, I am still wondering how people who didn't read the book have ANY clue what's going on. See them all here. Thanks to Adam for letting me know they're there, this livejournal poster, and to!

In science news... Germans have successfully transplanted to real arms onto a farmer that lost his 6 years ago. There are so many jokes about German engineering that I could put in here, I'm not even going to go there. What I will say is that apparently they were running a "buy 2 arms get mustache transplant free" special. Hey-o! Seriously though- this is on one hand (get it?) very cool, and on the other, frightening as hell. Seriously-first it's arm transplants, next it's bionic men and robot apocolypse. Thanks to JAX for pointing the way on this story. I'll be here all week, folks.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

A Day in the Life of a Pitbull Owner.

So I gave Daisy a bone last night, which she loves of an evening. She's enjoying herself, blissed out with chewing on the bone, I'm watching tv, eating my tasty Turkey with Gravy a la Jenny Craig (grumble grumble).
I notice that Daisy is now walking around, not acting "wrong" per se, but certainly not acting normal. She's also breathing weird. So I walk over to her, she runs away. I then realize something's wrong, so I grab her, and open her mouth. She has 1/3 of a rawhide stuck ALLLLLL the way back in her muppet gullet.

Being the loving dog mom that I am, I reach in there, up to my wrist and yank the thing out. She promptly grabs the end of it with her teeth and swallows it whole. It hasn't gotten any smaller in the 12 seconds since I plunged it from her throat to begin with. So the damn dog is choking on the SAME rawhide. AGAIN.

At this point I am laying on my dog with my ankles locked behind me, because she's trying to wriggle out that way, all the while wheezing. Like "I got it... I got it. Don't worry about me. It'll all go down." She's now got her mouth clamped shut like she does when I try to brush her teeth; it's like trying to get a baby to eat strained squash. I finally get her mouth open with some considerable will. I reach back. AGAIN. It's now gooey and even further back, but still too big to be swallowed. I am having considerable trouble getting a grasp on it, even though now she seems to realize that I am trying to help her and is laying still.

I finally get it out, and my hand is a mess of dog spit and bone-goo. Let me tell you, that is a diet plan in itself. Who wants turkey?? bleccchhhh.

The best part? She tried to get it from me. (AGAIN!!!) She watched it go into the garbeage with the deepest mourning.
Apparently the Doodle was traumatized by said event, because she then cowers under the blanket for the rest of the night. Basically on my lap. All 65 furry pounds of her.

It's a damn good thing she's cute- she's a pain in the ass.

I'm feeling a little better today.

I still want to run other drivers off the road, but I have stopped having fantasies of hitting pedestrians with my car... mostly my co-workers. There are a few exceptions, but not many today. Maybe it's the lack of fat in my diet that's making me cranky... maybe it's the fact that my hair, while starting to settle down, still looks like a wig. One more day like this and you can shave my head, call me Britney and name me the Mayor of Crazytown.

So. TEEEEVEEEEEE. Pushing Daisies last night was in delightful form. Mime vans! Walking carnival prizes! Clown car jokes! Pigbee, the truffle finding pig! Best line of the night: "Do you know how the mind works? You say 'monkey in a bell-hop suit driving a car', I think monkey in a bell-hop suit driving a car!" I am so excited for next week- mainly because Chuck is going undercover in a convent using the name Sister Christian. EEEEEE!

I think that my favorite character is fast becoming the coroner, much like Kiffany was one of my favorites in Dead Like Me. While George and Ned both are the odd man out in the center of a crazy world, Kiffany and the coroner fill the role of the ultimate straight man. Nothing affects them, and their lack of reaction is a constant source of entertainment for me.

By the way, what the hell happened to Bittersweets Taffy Emporium? Does anyone else feel like there are some loose ends from last season? Paul Reuben's Oscar Vibenius was on the trail of Chuck's secret, and Molly Shannon's Dilly Baldwin murdered her brother's killer, dumped him in a lake and went back to having no fear and selling that best of bittersweet trifles- saltwater taffy. Is that over? Are they coming back?

BUT WAIT- we're not done with TV delights! I swear, Wednesday is the best TV night ever- if they moved The Office to Wednesday, my head would explode. Biggest Loser was on! I'm going to say it...I don't care about these people as much as I have in the past. I think it's because they aren't showing the work that they are doing to lose weight- Biggest Loser's sole function seems to be product placement; "let's all go to Subway, where you have a whole menu of healthy choices!" "Did you know you could get these subs for $5??" "It's nice to know that I can still be healthy AND quick and convenient." If they start scripting these people anymore, I'm going to think they're wearing fat suits.

The other problem I'm struggling with is that these people are disappointed when they lose 5 pounds in a week, and the trainers border on punitive. I understand that it's a competition, but that's crazy! The show seemed a lot more supportive in past seasons. Plus, I am tired of these people blubbering. Yes, it's emotional, yes, it sucks to be separated from your newly-wed husband, but Heba was driving me NUTS with the sobbing last night. Maybe they should just turn off the mics when the people are hugging... I'm not much for overt displays of emotion.

Yes, I DO have a black hole where my heart should be. Why do you ask?

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I am irrationally angry today.

So I missed the debates, my Tivo didn't record them, and my new haircut, while having the potential to be really cute on a good day makes me look like a damn Popple because it's raining.

So maybe my rage is not so irrational. On the plus side, Pushing Daisies is tonight. Better yet, it is set in a CIRCUS!!!!!

In reality I am terrified of the circus. Clowns are completely sinister, and the animals just make me sad. But I do love the idea of the circus and sideshows of the Victorian and Dust Bowl eras.

There's something totally romantic and mystical about daring women on horseback and acrobats completing extraordinary and intricate feats with grace and perfection. I am hoping that my desire to ram people with my car will fade tonight while I watch Pushing Daisies, CSI: NY and America's Next Top Model. Sidebar: SOOO happy that Clark girl is gone. Cocky little witch.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Presidential Beer Pong

I think that the key chug word tonight will be "fundamental".

I wonder if the gloves will really come off during this debate. With the media supersaturation and 24/7 surveillance of the candidates, Americans tune in, expecting confrontation and drama, as though daring the candidates to make in person the wild accusations that they fling out so carelessly at fundraising and partisan rallies.

I think we'll be disappointed if we head in looking for drama. It appears in the last few elections(this one in particular) that the debates are the last arena of politics in which the candidates act like intelligent, civilized human beings and actually discuss political issues, leaving elitism, racism, age and gender bias out of the picture. Sadly, it makes for boring TV.

I try to avoid 24/7 media... in my mind, the mudslinging and snide comments do little to further any party, and I am somewhat soured on both sides when that fateful Tuesday hits. Of course, far more so by the Republican party, who seems to think that smear campaigns easily take the place of socially responsible political viewpoints. The debates show me where the candidates stand, and in reality, that is what I look for in a president.

Wow. That was deep. In order to counteract this, here's a funny picture of some weird toys:

Monday, October 6, 2008

What the hell?

Why is Britney Spears so f-ing crazy? She wore this go-karting. Do they make you wear robber headgear when you're touring the track? If that walked into my place of business, I would have leapt on it from behind the counter and rode it like a pony while my co-worker called the police. But on the loony bird, not me. oh... wait.

I didn't score and I went home early.

The punchline to a joke about the 2008 Cubs being a lot like the senior prom. Sigh. It's a time of mourning at Birv's house as the hopes of yet another year circle the drain. Oldest Brother once compared Cubs fan-dom to a marriage... a lot of ups and downs and a hell of a lot of work to stick to it.
I imagine that having faith that the Cubs will one day win a series must be much like faith in God- you believe it's possible, you just can't explain why. Being a quasi-Wiccan myself, I believe that the goddamn team is cursed.

Ah well. I have 5 months to heal, and when April comes around, I know I'll be ready to get my heart kicked in once more.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Gosh Darn Ya, Joe...

So apparently Sarah Palin has seen Fargo, and decided that the best way to reach the Joe Six-Packs of the nation was to channel Marge Gunderson. Her home-spun, folksy "wisdom" made me want to barf.

I am perplexed by the GOP's insistence that the debate was a "win" for the VP candidate. I can only assume it's because they are relieved that the debate didn't resemble an episode of Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader, and she ended up not having to point out where Iraq was on a world map. It's either that, or they assumed she would mistake Biden for a rogue wolf and try to shoot him as he took the stage, rip out and proceed to eat his still beating heart in an attempt to try and gain his power.

Regardless, party officials have intimated that Sally Oilhumper will not do any more interviews prior to the election. I can't imagine why.

Politics. Too. Depressing.

In order to survive, it is back to my florid fantasy life... I watched my Tivoed season premiere of Chuck yesterday. It was good... finally giving a plausible plot for why the government hasn't just built a new damn supercomputer already.

I can only hope that my sophomore season shows: Life, Pushing Daisies, Chuck, Reaper, my beloved Gossip Girl (no new episode this week-GASP!) survive... I think that a lot of them were hurt by the writer's strike last year. With as much as 10 months since we last saw some of these shows, I am concerned about whether or not people care about what's happening now.

Tonight is another smorgasboard of Tivo delight- most notably Ghost Whisperer. They hinted last season that someone's biting it this season! woot woot! I assume it's Professer Rick, since Jay Mohr's got that dumb looking new Gary UnMarried. I like you so much Jay. I just wish your agent got you more roles like 200 Cigarettes and Go. And yet no... you're voicing Leisure Suit Larry, probably without a sense of irony.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

My heart hurts a little. (This is a long 'un!!)

Ok.... the Cubs game didn't end so well. Hey, at least Big Brother and I paid face value for the tickets! I have faith that they will win tonight- simply because they have to. I am reserving discussion about the game because I am in mourning (and perhaps also slightly hung over).

I WILL, however, discuss the new Pushing Daisies. Right after I watch it sober. It appears I missed quite a bit of it... though I did NOT miss both the visual delight of Olive twirling away atop a mountain, as well as the killer Happy Time Temp reference. (Dead Like Me... HOLLA!)

In other Birv news... who's pumped for the VP debate tonight? I am jazzed about it right now, with the full knowledge that I may not be able to stomach Sarah Palin and her stuttering, nonsensical responses for long. I have fortified myself with Netflix and several Tivoed shows... just in case.

Honestly- the thought of this woman in any position of power frightens me. Barring the fact that McCain seemingly chose her as a running mate by pulling her name from a hat, the very fact that Palin believes that she is REMOTELY capable of fulfilling the vice-presidential position is cause for concern.

What frightens me most is that Palin supports causes and takes positions on issues with little to no ability to explain her reasoning behind her political stance.

All I can say is that I hope fervently that Biden ignores requests to go easy on Palin, and strikes her down swiftly and decisively. In other words, I hope he annihilates her tonight.

Some choice Palin moments are below... I don't think I even need to comment on them- her baffling world view stands on it's own merit. (Courtesy of

Palin Opposed Expanding Hate Crime Laws. A 2006 Eagle Forum Alaska questionnaire asked, “Will you support an effort to expand hate crime laws?” Palin replied, “No, as I believe all heinous crime is based on hate.” [Washington Blade, 9/2/08]

Palin Believes The Founding Fathers Wrote The Pledge Of Allegiance. In 2006, when asked by the Eagle Forum Alaska if she found the phrase “Under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance offensive, Palin replied, “Not on your life. If it was good enough for the founding fathers, its good enough for me.” But the words “Under God” didn’t appear in the Pledge until 1954. The Pledge itself wasn’t written until 1892. [Huffington Post, 9/1/08; Slate, 6/28/02]

Palin Is Unaware Of The Bush Doctrine. During an interview with ABC’s Charlie Gibson, Palin was stumped about the Bush Doctrine, thinking it was the President’s “worldview.” [ABC News, 9/11/08] See it here:

Palin Hasn’t Given The War In Iraq Much Thought. Palin told the Alaska Business Monthly, “I’ve been so focused on state government, I haven’t really focused much on the war in Iraq. I heard on the news about the new deployments, and while I support our president, Condoleezza Rice and the administration, I want to know that we have an exit plan in place.” [Alaska Business Monthly, 3/1/07]

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Best Wednesday EVER

Though it may be early, I have dubbed today the Best Wednesday Ever. I have tickets to Game 1 of the NLDS between the Cubs and the Dodgers, we are allowed to wear jeans to work today (AND it's a half day for me), and a new season of Pushing Daisies airs tonight (with the promise of a Sound of Music tribute), as well as a CSI:NY in which it looks like most of the members of Maroon 5 die.

I'm living the dream, people.

Cubs gameday pictures are sure to follow... unless Big Brother and I look like we are yet again let out on a day pass.