Monday, June 29, 2009

When Will the Carnage End?

Billy Mays, everyone's favorite emphatic infomercial guru, died yesterday after a Natasha Richardson-style head injury; proving that if god exists, he is vengeful and really wants to make sure that Farrah Fawcett's brave message of hope and strength in the face of cancer is completely overshadowed. (We'll get to her later in the hour.)
RIP, Billy, here's hoping you're hocking KaBoom! to Jesus.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Food = Sex: Innuendo Throwdown!

In case Burger King's overtly phallic sandwich ad wasn't enough high-calorie sexytime for you, Hardees has come up with two new ads for their Biscuit Holes. As you can imagine, late-night stoner humor ensues, proving that the advertising houses of today are one small step away from your local frat house common room.

Who wins? Burger King or Hardees? I vote for Burger King, for (dare I say it?) staying just thisside of subtle.

RIP, Michael

Well do we all remember the heyday of MJ... and even though he certainly became the conductor of the crazy train in recent years, Michael Jackson had a profound effect on EVERYONE.

Fonzipan loves dancing, so I want to give him an apt tribute. While the real Thriller video is unable to be embedded... below is my favorite Thriller outside of the real one.
Goodbye Michael, here's hoping you find some peace.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dancing Thursdays: So You Think You Can Dance Edition

Best dance of the night, and not just because Mia Michaels is a strange, demanding, perfectionist goddess of a choreographer. The two dancing, Randi (who I did NOT love before last night) and Evan (who I DID love) just killed this. Dancing begins at 2:23.

The only sore spot for me? Who throws brand new LaBoutin shoes around?? Treat those puppies with respect!!

UPDATE: better quality video!! PS... that costume on Evan is really distracting. Hate it!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Burger King: Mecca of Tasteful Innuendo

Frankly, I'm surprised that the word "blow" wasn't in a different color, or in bigger font size than the rest of the tagline and mayonnaise wasn't dripping from the poor girl's mouth.

I have to say... I am on the verge of saying kudos to Burger King for just saying "screw you" to everyone that is on a health kick. Or a woman. In the past few years, Burger King has done the opposite of every other fast food chain and strived to make their food as unhealthy as possible. With the Super Seven Incher, BK may as well have flipped the bird at the Surgeon General and thrown lard in his face: "Healthy lifestyle? Fuck that noise!!"

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an overwhelming urge for sausage. No idea why.

But... Then Where Would I Keep My Remote?

Do you have huge knockers? Whether you got them from nature or from Dr. Feelgood, it doesn't matter, those of us with enormous melons can all be helped by today's questionable product, the Kush Support, designed to keep you from getting wrinkly cleavage. From the website:

"After comprehensive research and testing, Kush was developed as an anatomically contoured accessory offering both health and beauty benefits. Made from a lightweight plastic with a slip-resistant outer coating, Kush is uniquely designed to fit between the breasts to maintain a more natural shape while resting on your side. No straps, no underwires, no constraints, no adhesives and no garments needed - the slip-resistant surface and contoured shape help keep Kush in place as a woman rolls from one side to the other during sleep."

It's a little steep at $55, when I could just as easily shove a can of creamed corn in between the girls... but if the professionals at the best little whorehouse in Texas use them, I guess I probably should too! Seriously- what's with her pajamas? Does anyone actually sleep in things like that?

Product Site here!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

That Was... Predictable.

In a twist that surprises no one, Kimberley Vlaminck (that impulsive little imp with 56 stars on tattooed on her face) has now admitted that she was a damn dirty liar that blames other people for her problems.
According to the Daily Mail, Vlaminck told a Dutch TV crew that she adored the stars when she first got them, but her father was furious when he saw what his fool daughter did, so like any overprivileged teenager worth her salt, she lied to the world and got someone else in trouble. Get this girl into politics!!!

We're not upset at what you did, Kimberley, we're upset that you lied about it. Wow... did I just sound like my mother? I DID. Anyway, this prompted me to assemble a gallery of tattoos people will SURELY regret.

Not only do we have unicorns banging, one of them is smoking a cigarette. Class all the way!! I wonder if this is on a guy or a girl.

Who wouldn't want a picture of Toothless Mary and her appendix scar on their arm? What a way to give a shout-out to the town hooker.

Now, I love this movie. I do NOT, however, love it enough to immortalize it on my calf. It also took me several moments to realize that's not a brain at the bottom, but a tot.

That WoW stat bar will be "LVL Down" in 20 years time.

Actually, I love this one. I can't even think of how to describe how much I love LOL Jesus.

This is one of several variations I found on the "butthole" tattoo. Yes! Your belly button looks like a butt! Way to go... that's permanent.

Naked, bucktoothed Indian riding a corndog. Welp... if you're getting a stupid tattoo, you may as well go balls-out.

You may be, but your tattoo artist is not... "awsome".

That is serious dedication to the Frosty. I love me some Dunkin's, but I'm not getting "America Runs" needled into my ass.

Twilight Has Officially Taken Over the World.

No, I'm not joking. Here's the website. Truthfully, I can't think of what would be worse than to be trapped on a boat with a bunch of Twi-hards and an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. ("Since we humans still enjoy eating, the chefs will be working around the clock preparing your favorite foods and this is included in your cruise fare! So is 24 hour room service!")
Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, be prepared to be inundated with questions about Robert Pattinson... that's pretty much going to be what takes up the 8 days that you will be huddled in your room with no exit and a screaming horde of Tiger Beaters that seem unable to type in anything but exclamation points:
"Wait Till You See Where You Will Be Going!!Your Alaskan Explorer cruise begins in Seattle. (Yikes! Hopefully there won't be any "newborns" there)! We sail from Seattle to Glacier Bay - one of Alaska's most beautiful glacier regions where you can watch Glaciers "calve" in front of your very eyes... totally awesome!"
Via con Dios, kids. I'll be happy to watch my dvd in my living room with no lights on and the sound really low so no one can tell I'm watching it for the fortieth time.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The 80's Were Weird.

BFF found this and shared it with me, and seriously, I can't stop laughing at it.

A Creepy Tribute

Watch a lot of mid-morning television? Have $149 you want to throw in the toilet? Really dig porcelain figurines? Trying to figure out SOME WAY to prove your love for the First Lady? Look no more. The Danbury Mint will solve all of these conundrums in one fell swoop, with the Michelle Obama Inaugural Doll.
Standing at 16 inches and fully poseable (though those arms will look weird doing anything else), Michelle will be a lovely addition to your dust-collecting group of eerily realistic dolls. If you want this, I will bet that you have a Princess Diana Engagement Plate laying around somewhere in your home.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Comfort Wipe: Because You're a Filthy, Filthy Creature.

Oh, it's real. Check out the Product Site.

I can't imagine that this is all that "ergonomic"... my buttcheeks aren't 4 inches apart. Perhaps that's one of those "disadvantages" of being a big person that dude is talking about? Anyway, you're going to have wedge that thing in there.

Also... what disability do you imagine that classy WASP having that requires her to have someone else wipe her ass?

You Look Stupid: Why You Never Ask for a Tattoo On Your Face.

This is 18 year old Belgian, Kimberley Vlaminck. Kimberley claims she asked for 3 stars on her face, by her eye... which is foolish enough ("Granny? What are those green droopy things on your face?"). This is what she got instead.
According to the Daily Mail, she's trying to sue the tattoo artist, stating that he didn't understand her in English or French:
'I think he didn’t understand what I wanted. He spoke only fractured English and French.
'But I explicitly said in my native tongue, French, and also in a little bit of English when he looked confused, that I wanted three little stars only near my left eye.'
This is key area number one. If someone who's about to needle ink permanently under your skin ever looks confused, stop. Stop right there and draw a picture.
Key area number two:
She claims she fell asleep while he was doing his work... and awoke to 'this nightmare'.
'It is terrible for me,' said Kimberley. 'I cannot go out on to the street, I am so embarrassed. I just look horrible.'
You're a shitty liar, Kimberley. Anyone in the world who's ever had a tattoo will tell you that you aren't asleep... ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE GETTING A NEEDLE STUCK REPEATEDLY IN YOUR FACE. If you did fall asleep, you shouldn't have eaten that Space Cake.
The tattoo artist basically called her out on her shenanigans, saying she was awake for the whole thing and looked in the mirror several times. Sounds like SOMEONE got busted by her parents for being a moron.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

My Favorite of the Week: So You Think You Can Dance! (Surprise, it wasn't the Bollywood!)

My fave for the night. Dancing begins at 2:02. Watch it before Fox shuts it down (they're funny about copyright infringement... forgetting that YouTube helps them gain viewers). PS, this is dress code for my birthday party next Saturday...dress accordingly.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

You Didn't Think I'd Forget About Dancing Thursdays, Did You?

Certainly not!!! But as my favorite dance from last night's So You Think You Can Dance hasn't been uploaded to YouTube (yet)... I am reliving what can only be described as my dream dance with BFF... and I think we both can agree that Alan Cumming would definitely still be a part of it.

An Ad Campaign Big Bro Can Really Get Behind

So I have been seeing these ads on buses around town lately, and every time I see one, I think- Did I just see what I thought I saw?
Well, I did... these are created and sponsored by the Indiana Atheist Bus Campaign. These positive Atheism messages started in South Bend May 11th, and have since spread the heathen word to Chicago. Next, THE WORLD!!!!
Actually, I guess the world came first, and the god-fearing US is the last to hop on the...well, the bus.
From the website:
This campaign was created to continue the momentum started by similar successful campaigns in Canada and the United Kingdom. Around Indiana and the rest of the United States, religious advertisements on buses and billboards are very common. Some are as simple as ‘Jesus is Coming,’ while others feature long bible quotes. The discussion fostered in Canada and the UK should be something that is brought to the United States as well, and Indiana is as good of a place as any to start. We want to let everyone know that it’s all right not to believe in a deity, that you do not need to be ’saved,’ and that you can be a good person without religion. We hope that everyone will look at the facts and evidence before making life decisions, including religion.
Considering I have been bombarded by "Jesus is King" and "You're going to hell if you kill your baby" billboards (and barnsides) on the way to BFF's house, I think Indiana is a prime location to start this grass-roots campaign.
I am FASCINATED by this project, particularly with the peaceful, intelligent way it intends to spread the message. Go Team Logic!
Visit the website here.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Well, If You Can Trick Out Your Wedding Cake...

I don't really think of mortality all that often. However, perhaps it's due to yet another gray day, perhaps it's because I'm hitting a milestone birthday, hey- maybe it's even because Murray kicked it on my desk the other day. Meh...maybe it's just because I found these two websites and thought they were absurd.

At any rate, I think it's time to discuss how we want our remains handled once we shuffle off this mortal coil. Last thing I want is to be flushed down the toilet, Murray-style.

I have stumbled upon a few new options, namely the Star Trek line by Eternal Images. That's the urn up there... pretty sleek. However, if you look closely, you can see the reflection of someone's suburban house in the ball... is Trekkie Uncle Alfred now lawn art? Eternal Images ALSO has Precious Moments (gag) and MLB themed products. Well, why be generic?

Here's the casket... pretty fit for being shot into the final frontier, a la Captain Kirk. (Die with your boots on!)

However, if you're looking to be slightly more functional, you could always become a LifeGem (because love lives on)... a "certified, high-quality diamond created from the carbon of the one you love". I'm not sure how I feel about this idea... on one hand, hooray! I'm sparkly! On the other... WTF?!

Take a look at the website, I find it a completely morbid hoot... especially the sepia-toned "happy family" pictures used in the ads... especially the Dad-With-Son-On-Shoulders. Who the heck is supposed to be the dead one in this scenario? You can also make your pet into a LifeGem (because love lives on) if you so desire. This is definitely a step above one of my co-workers, who had her cat stuffed and, I shit you not, BROUGHT IT TO WORK.

I wonder if Murray could have been a LifeGem if I hadn't had him flushed down the toilet.
How would you like to be laid to rest? I have to say I'm thinking pajamas and a Snuggie... Dunkin Donut in one hand and a Harry Potter book in the other.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Reality TV Is Taking a Disturbing Turn.

It all started with the seemingly required proposal on The Bachelor. At least those girls got a chance to say no. This summer season of reality tv shows has me asking what the deal is with the onslaught of disturbing "throw-away marriage" reality shows? We have Hitched or Ditched on The CW, where long-term couples in a rut wait until they are on the altar to either get... you know... hitched or (wait for it) ditched.

I have also recently found an application page for a new show called Arranged Marriage, where, according to the website, "four people will ask their closest loved ones - whether family or friends - to team up and choose a spouse for them." I can't tell if this is the same show as the one that Variety reports Fox picking up I Married a Stranger! (leave it to Fox to get the most inflammatory name possible). I've been on a few blind dates set up by friends and family before, every single time, I have called the offending matchmaker of the moment with the question, "Really? Is this what you think of me?" Then I end up at home with a dozen donuts and a Jane Austen movie.
Is it so wrong to be a certain age and NOT be married? What is the requirement in this world to be legally bound to someone, damn the emotional cost? Why are we so attention-hungry to air our lonely dirty laundry in front of the world?

Also on the subject of Tacky Americans, looking for a header picture led me to some of the most misogynistic cake toppers I've ever seen. Really, ladies? Are you proud of yourselves? Here are my favorites:

The Roper. Yeehaw, cowboy. Or are you an old timey funeral director?

The Clothesliner. How DARE you run away?

The Dragger. I especially like the fingernail scratch detail in this one.

Reelin' him in. This also looks vaguely sexually inappropriate.

The classic... Shotgun Wedding! Where's that girl's pappy?? Also, Miscaketops has "The Dragger" in a variety of costumes, from fishing gear to military fatigues. Classy...

The Humper. Did I call that other one sexually inappropriate? All that's missing here is the bathroom stall.

A slightly more aggressive "Dragger"... those wily grooms can wriggle out of clothes. Get him by a body part, and there's no chance of running. Perhaps she's taking him to be hobbled?

The Johnny Come Lately. The decorator gave that bride attitude. Fo' shizzle.

Stop: Hammertime! Spontaneous Public Dancing Hits the States!

I got so excited by this I couldn't wait until Thursday to post it!! With the utterly non-sensical Chicago monsoon season, the brillo pad that is my current hairstyle, and the last episode of Pushing Daisies airing on Saturday (no!), I needed a little pick me up. What's better than Spontaneous Public Dancing?

PS- Check out the old Hammerdancer at :54. AWESOME!

Monday, June 8, 2009

RIP, Murray: 2006-2009

I'm not sure why Cube Neighbor is walking around showing your dead body to people, I think it's a little crass. However, I made her clean you out of my fishbowl, so I suppose I traded your dignity for a way around my ick factor.

You were a good work pet... never complained, managed to stay alive over long weekends, even survived the swirling drain-bowl cleaning incident. You were a fighter till the end.

Via con Dios, mi amigo.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Time to Retire the Term"My Gays".


Huzzah to Entertainment Weekly's Popwatch and Jennifer Armstrong- I'm totally with you; Scotty from Brothers & Sisters would totally be my gay best friend, though from reality tv world, I'm in love with Tyce DiOrio from So You Think You Can Dance, and he could hang out with me anytime.

Dancing Thursday's Triumphant Return!

I alternate between loving this (that guy's dancing!!) and bemusement at the reality that humans are mostly sheep. I especially love the people that rush over to be joiners AFTER THE SONG IS OVER.

Since this one makes me feel a little dirty inside for posting it, I have to also post my favorite dance from last year's So You Think You Can Dance... the actual dance starts at 1:19, and made me squeal with delight and text BFF: "BOLLYWOOD! THEY'RE DOING BOLLYWOOD!" PS... they pick the new top 20 tonight!! SPOILERS AFTER THE VIDEO...

I am at a total loss for who they're going to pick, most of my favorites from this tryout season were cut (some shockingly! Natalie?! WTF), so I don't even know who to root for.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Birv's Phoning It In Today.

Well it's a SLOW NEWS DAY!!! No craziness from celebrities (is it a winter thing?), no new shows (I refuse to admit that Mental is anything other than House minus pill addiction), what do you want from me?

Thusly, I give you a funny cat.

That's all until Dancing Thursdays tomorrow... I have MANY choices for tomorrow's post... which should be doubled after tonight's Vegas Week on So You Think You Can Dance. SOMEONE'S going to need an ambulance! (It's me!)

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

You May Be Looking In The Wrong Place

As found in the Craiglist Lost & Found Section:

All reason to Live (Earth, as it is...)

Reply [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-05-29, 12:50PM CDT

I lost it, my reason for living. My drive, my compassion, my self worth. I sit here, at this desk, knowing full well that my brain is turning to an even larger puddle of quivering nothing as we speak. Yes, in these troubled times, I should be grateful that I have a job. Here I am, 50 years old, attractive, single, realtively clean smelling!! And I have lost my reason for living!!! I am a sheep, a wanderer. Ever get off of the train in the morning, simply following th rest of the lost sheep through Chicago. Baa Baa, it could be worse. It could still be Janurary. Then it's the following of the frozen sheep, declaring, "When the fuck is it going to warm up?'. It did, but I still feel like a mindless sheep, following a line to drab, dull, desperate.

If it wasnt for the fifth in my desk, the hot messenger, and the fingertip vibrator in my desk drawer, I dont know what I would do. Jump I guess.

Location: Earth, as it is...
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1195178839

Monday, June 1, 2009

What the What?

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with things I find online. According to the product website, the Farting Hippo was made because a character on NCIS (one of possibly 3 shows I don't watch) has one.

I'm not one for fart jokes...yes, we all do it, let's move on... but I have to say, I sort of find this thing adorable. It's also completely absurdly priced at 30-60 Pounds, which is like...$50-$100.

Buy me one here!

Trailer Extravaganza!!


The MTV Movie Awards debuted some clips important to the tween in me this weekend, and hello, Jailbait Jacob! It doesn't look like the acting is much improved, but I do appreciate that the camera isn't thisclose to Bella and Edward's face. Interesting...looks like Bella finds out about Jacob (BTW- happy tree friend snuggly?) much earlier.

Also- a new clip from Harry Potter! whee!!! I'm crazy excited, especially as this is pretty close to how I pictured this moment in the books.