Friday, January 30, 2009

Know Any One-Legged Soccer Players? CraigsList Has Just The Thing...

Copa Mundial Soccer Cleat (Ukrainian Village)

Size 8.5 US. Just the Left foot.

Location: Ukrainian Village
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 1013968548

Thursday, January 29, 2009

You Can't Spell Valentine's Day Without VD

Happy Lupercalia (look it up)! I know V-Day is two weeks away, but as I will be off spending it in er... proud... singledom with my Hetero Life Mate BFF, I wanted to make sure that you all got a lovely anti-V-Day card from me... and the opportunity to send one to others.

Link to the site here (Visit them! buy the real cards. They make me laugh)... and some of my favorites below.

Birv Is For Dogs

This is the Pedigree Super Bowl ad for this year... and it makes me laugh.

Visit the Pedigree site here to see the longer ads about each pet (the Ostrich is the best), and for each time you watch, a bowl of food is donated to a shelter.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Not Quite Convincing Enough to Say I Told You So...

But it's pretty close. Joaquin Phoenix, shown above back when he had a face, reportedly told a nameless source that he's completely faking it for an artistic endeavour, according to Entertainment Weekly.

Either Phoenix is perpetrating an elaborate Andy Kaufman-style hoax (with an
assist from his friend and brother-in-law Casey Affleck, who's ostensibly
shooting a documentary about his career transition), or he's truly lost his
marbles. The truth, it seems, is closer to the former. "He said, 'It's a put-on.
I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going
to film it,'" says one source who recently worked with Phoenix.
Phoenix's interest in music is sincere (he earned Oscar and Grammy nominations
for his turn as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line and has directed several music
videos), with this supposed career reboot he is evidently trying to both lampoon
pompous actors and punk the media that covers them. Whatever his motivation or
ultimate endgame, don't expect him to break character anytime soon. "It's an art
project for him," says a source. "He's going full out. He probably has told his
reps that he's quit acting. Joaquin is very smart. This is very conscious. He
has a huge degree of control."

On one hand, I am loathe to believe a nameless source, on the other, I love to be proven right. I also tend to believe Entertainment Weekly's gossip.

I look forward to the moment he announces the movie, and all the cheering toadies in the rap recording will claim to have been totally in on it.

Disturbing Celebrity Trend

I hate to think that I agree with Ashlee Simpson on ANYTHING. I mean it- if she said that we needed oxygen to survive, I'd try to think of a way to dispute it. However, I do grudgingly agree with what she said on her blog to support Jessica Simpson during the weight gain scandal of 2009:

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A
week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our
country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read
about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.All women come in
different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there
shouldn't be a different standard.Is this something you would say to your wife,
daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend?I seriously doubt it.How can we
expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we
criticize a size 2 figure?Now can we focus on the things that really

Well played, Milli Vanilli. I almost felt a kernel of respect for you... then I think of how you tried to trap the biggest douchebag to ever leave the midwest by pregnancy. Off it goes!

After further reading on The Superficial (love me!), I am beginning to question the new celebrity trend of using the recent inauguration to slam the morality of newsites and ragmags: Jessica Alba did the same thing on HER blog:

Hey Guys,Jay_eh here. I wanted to share with everyone in the ibeatyou and
MySpace communities my experiences at the inauguration last week, so I put
together a little video.Before I get to the video, I want to clear some things up that have been bothering me lately. I find it depressing that in the midst of perhaps the most salient time in our country's history, individuals are taking it upon themselves to encourage negativity and stupidity. Last week, Mr. Bill O'Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country.
I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are
inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously's so sad to me
that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland. Check out: if you want to see what I was referring to. I appreciate the name calling and the accurate reporting. Keep it up!!Now on to more important our new President.

You're right. There ARE more important things going on in the world than whether or not you sounded like a complete moron by saying the correct but obscure "Sweden" instead of the pedestrian "Switzerland" cliche when discussing neutrality. Congratulations... you're a wealth of arcane knowledge of WWII political allegiance. However, let's get one thing straight. You are NOT a part of the vast expanse of important historic geopolitical events in the world.

Reality check, you vapid little wastelings- the insignificant details about your life (i.e. your weight, your nose jobs and your utter stupidity) are the only reasons you will ever BE newsworthy. No one respects your opinions because of your exceptional work in such weighty
films as The Love Guru and Good Luck Chuck, Alba. Let's not get the impression that just because you voted for Obama you're camped out on a moral high ground. You weren't the only one.

Be glad that someone finds you even remotely interesting enough to give you work, keep your mouths shut, and be thankful for the opportunity.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Ch-Ch-Chohmygod it's a Chia Obama

I love me some tacky Obama memorabilia. This is a great addition... though I would have preferred it if Chia had thought to give you the option to have the herb garden on his head. Then he could be tasty as well as tasteful.

Buy your own here. The website's worth a visit to watch the video to sell the thing too... "Can you grow one? Yes you can."

Saturday, January 24, 2009


I'm convinced this is what I look like today: Quasibloato, Queen of the Monthlies.

Thanks to Adam for helping me come up with the name Quasibloato, and thusly confirming that I am hideous balloon of gross.

Well... Paul Blart: Mall Cop IS the # 1 Movie...

So I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised that Howie Do It's audience appears to be filmed in front of THOUSANDS of uproariously laughing people. Seriously, it's like they sold out the United Center.

Here's the deal. I watched, understood, didn't laugh and turned off Howie Do It in about 5 minutes last night. Trust me, the promo commercials are more than enough time to devote to this show.

The show tries to make it plain that this isn't your Deal Or No Deal, audience-friendly, "I'm a germophobe" Howie Mandel. Oh no. This is a gritty, PG-13, FRIDAY NIGHT Howie Mandel. Apparently, the pranks are shown on a giant screen between Blue Man Group-style, drum-heavy rock instrumentals and Howie Mandel's... erm...stand up act. The joke I heard was riffed off of what is clearly an audience plant: "Do you try out these pranks on your family?" "No, my wife is the prankster in our family. She told me told me two of our children were mine." guffaw.

With comedy gold like that, it's unsurprising that Howie makes several title references: "take a look and see us show Dez ...howie do it". BA-ZZZING! We have a title.

The prank I watched was a wife bringing her unsuspecting husband Dez (that truthfully seemed like he was totally in on the act) to be taped on a daytime talk show, and is lead to believe his marriage is on the rocks. The whole audience is filled with ACTORS! Apparently they could only find about 8 actors to take the audience gig... the whole thing looks like it was filmed in my neighbor's garage. If that didn't tip hubby off, you would think his snickering wife would. So basically they lead this guy on for about 2 minutes that his wife thinks he's a controlling ass, because he jokes about her missing curfew, and reads her emails (actually does kind of sound controlling to me, but whatever). Then they let him in on it; "I have to tell you, you're on Howie Do It". Somehow, he knows what this show is, even though it's on it's first season, and gives the appropriate "OMG you got me" face. IT'S FUNNY!! BAHODEYDODEYDO! Crowd filmed laughing. Rocking back and forth in their seats laughing. I am stony-faced.

Before I shut off the show to watch Ghost Whisperer (really, my standards for entertainment aren't that believe that Howie Do It sucks big donkey balls), they show a "coming up next on Howie Do It" preview of the next prank, that shows an unsuspecting amusement park visitor being led through a new ride by a poorly disguised Howie Mandel. That's him in the picture above. I know you're shocked: but really, it's Howie Mandel.

Anyway, the "ride" appears to consist of a cup of water being poured on the guy and Incognito Howie and another dude take him by the arms and spin him around. I mean, really? Who DOESN'T see through this? On that topic, who doesn't recognize Howie Mandel, just because he's wearing a wig? This whole show reminds me of the Arrested Development episode when George Michael keeps prank calling his dad.

I think I'm going to have to boycott the "fist bump" due to this show.

If you think I'm lying about how gaggingly abominable this show is, take a look here.


Before I get to reviewing the 5 minutes of Howie Do It that I could stomach last night, I have to point out this link to Local that for some reason has my blog linked to a review of South Side Diner in Toms River, New Jersey. I've never been to Toms River, and certainly never eaten at the South Side Diner, but I figured, why the hell not? I'll give them a review.

The South Side Diner in Toms River, New Jersey is filled with a delicious take on traditional diner fare. Francheezies, Tuna Melts and Coleslaw come cheap and tasty at this local Atlantic City hot spot. Come for the food, stay for the pie, and try the best damn cup of coffee this side of the Hudson. Go South Side Diner!

Here's their address: 380 Dover Road Toms River, NJ 08757, and their phone number (732) 341-4410. After this stellar review, you'll be sure to need a reservation.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

New TV! Wait... No. It's Just Like Everything Else.

I now have a crime procedural for every day of the week. That's...exciting. However, I love Tim Roth, have since Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (check it out- made of awesome), and so I felt obligated to give Lie to Me a try.

Lie to Me, Fox's new hour long crime drama based on a real dude (Dr. Paul Ekman), focuses on a crack team of "lie experts" that review body language to expose lies in criminal investigations.
It's mildly interesting, and I guarantee you everyone that watches this show will be testing out their brand new body language reading skills on their pals. The show is fairly unoriginal- senatorial sex scandals and teachers sleeping with students. However, last night was just the pilot, and I like to give new shows a few weeks to get their footing, so I'll continue to watch for the time being. It's just unfortunate that network tv is so in love with formulaic crime dramas and "average Joe" competitions... after a while they all run together. Lie to Me is no exception.

Loyal Blog Reader Also Beth asked me to review Howie Do It... that new Howie Mandel show, now that Deal or No Deal has blessedly gone to that great syndicated spot in the sky. I have to admit I haven't yet watched it, as I am completely perplexed by candid camera shows. Why are people so gullible? Who would think that someone would ACTUALLY send a singing telegram to a funeral? Why is the laugh track so painful? Why does Howie Do It have such a stupid title? Also Beth is as perplexed as I, and as a dutiful TV loser, I fully intend to watch and report. As soon as I figure out when it's on. Knowing America, it'll soon be on 5 nights a week and twice on Tuesdays, particularly if there is a monetary prize to be had. Stay tuned, Also Beth. Stay tuned. All will be explained.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Madonna's Zombie Gooch Has Burned My Retinas.

Frankly, I'm just plain frightened now. (But not enough to keep me from posting a triple hat! Boo-Yeah!) Warning- the picture below is INCREDIBLY scary if you click on the high-res.

Thanks to The Superficial for keeping me awake at night.

Joaquin Phoenix Is Totally Faking It.

We have a runner up to the Winehouse Watch- the Phoenix Post. Catchy, eh? I love me some alliteration!
I know Joaquin Phoenix's hobo rap is a few days old, but you know, I'll post when I darn well feel like it.
Personally, I think Phoenix's crazy heroin addict downward spiral is a ruse of some sort... he is being followed around by his brother-in-law Casey Affleck for a "documentary" during his "retirement", and I have to think that this is all leading up to something, especially considering he keeps showing up at publicity functions... AND THEY KEEP LETTING HIM IN. Plus, if you were is brother-in-law, wouldn't you stage an intervention, rather than recording his antics for posterity? I mean, Casey Affleck has kids with Phoenix's sister.
So my theory: either Joaquin Phoenix is completely faking it, or this guy will eventually explode in a flurry of beard hair and old shoes. Either way, Birv is on the case.
Drunken rapping and JP taking a header below. Fall occurs around 2:01. I love watching the sycophants cheering this dude's apparent insanity.


Since I watched the Inauguration at work yesterday, I felt bad taking additional time to blog about it... heh. I fell in love when he messed up the oath, I cried, I got chills. I read his Inaugural Address 3 times.

As he begins his first day in the Oval Office, I am filled with hope, pride and confidence, and a realization that his bold message yesterday was not just a bunch of pretty words, but a call to America to act now. His impassioned speech got me to get off my ass and volunteer for the first time in 6 years, and I'm going to get on my soapbox to invite you to do the same. Here is the link to Volunteer those that read this blog are pretty lucky to be surrounded by plenty. If you feel inspired, do something about it!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

F#*K My Life.

A Saturday evening blog post from Birv? Crazy... especially considering how busy I thought my weekend was going to be. However, the reason behind being home this Saturday night is too embarrassing NOT to share.

I've spoken about Pseudograndma standing me up before, now she's really punching me in the gooch. As I call this afternoon to confirm our plans to see an Ibsen play at the Museum of Contemporary Art tonight, Pseudograndma exclaims, "Oh jeez. Is that tonight? What do you think, should we give it up? It's awfully cold."

She's right, it's cold, and getting to the MCA from where I live is no easy feat- you either have to scrabble for one of the few parking spots not covered in the 12 inches of snow on the ground, or you have to take the Blue line south, and then either wait forEVER for the Chicago Ave bus, or alternatively go 3 stops farther into the loop, switch to the red line, go BACK up to the Gold Coast and then walk from whatever stop gets you closest. Whoopee. Certainly not worth it for Pseudograndma to attempt, when she's just going to nap in the theater anyway.

We agree to call our plans off, and have a bit of small talk- it's been a few months since I've last seen her. My biggest news is that my dog has eaten yet another set of my bed pillows. She has news, she tells me. Oh yes, she has news. However, she can't tell me, she whispers, "until the news leaves". Then she giggles.

Sweet Ecclesiastes, Pseudograndma has a man. Frantically trying to sweeping away visions of old person sex, I get off the phone as quick as humanly possible. Then I realize that I've been blown off by an 83 year old woman SO THAT SHE CAN HANG OUT WITH A GUY.

I, on the other hand, will play some Freecell and watch videos of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Youtube. Maybe I'll take a bath and try to keep from drowning myself in it.

Trials and Tribulations of Being a Woman.

For all the men that want to know why women go to the bathroom in pairs: please review the above flowchart. One needs a wingman in there- talking to someone in line, holding the door closed, getting toilet paper... holding the purse.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

There's My Amy!!

THAT'S the Amy Winehouse I know and love. According to the source for All Things Amy Daily Mail, Legitimate Actor (media whore) Josh Bowman has returned to England, and my girl is back- stealing drinks from other hotel guest's tables and throwing drinks on newlyweds. Phew!!! Life is back to normal.

Sidebar: What the hell happened to Boy George?

Al Gore Is a Damn Dirty Liar.

He clearly has never had the boogers inside his nose freeze while walking across the barren tundra of a parking lot near O'Hare... where the wind chill is currently -40 degrees Fahrenheit.

There is little dignity involved when getting dressed for winter in Chicago... and even less fashion.

I realize this may be the cause of a very long lecture from Big Brother, but fuck global warming. Can't come soon enough, if you ask me.

In the meantime, for the next three months, this is my happy place. Repeat after me: "Birv's in Bora Bora. Birv's in Bora Bora. Birv's in Bora Bora."
*** Disclaimer*** Due to the fact that there ARE some people I don't know that read my blog, and thus may not understand my acerbic wit and sarcasm (heh... aren't I generous with myself), I totally believe in global climate change, and think it's a bad thing, though not for the Earth. The Earth is completely able to right itself, no matter how badly we screw it up. It will, however, wipe out humankind in the process if we don't act to correct it... which means we're all deadsky. So I do recycle, use natural products, and carry reuseable grocery bags. I'm a regular environmentalist! EndRant.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

100th Blog Post!!!!

We'll stand on a little ceremony here at Fonzipan. Woo!!!! To celebrate, I'm pushing on and keeping it business as usual. On with the posts!!!

Gossip Girl: TOTALLY redeemed itself last night! The show is always at its best when the high school leads act more adult than the parents... last night was no exception. Deliciously evil (and frankly, just delicious) Uncle Jack undermining Chuck Bass and apparently sleeping with underage girls, Lily and Rufus sneaking off to Boston to find the son they gave up for adoption and falling into bed, the sweet, sweet lie the adoptive parents told about the secret Humphrey "Andrew" being deadsky. I'm so proud of the writers... letting the sheer ridiculousness of a CW network teen-show shine through. Let that freak flag fly, my friends!!! I'm so excited to see how this all unfolds, and I am PRAYING that Uncle Jack sticks around. He rules.

Amy Winehouse!! Proving once and for all why you should never get a tattoo with words, particularly if that word is your soon-to-be ex-husband's name on your boob. Awkward!! Blake has reportedly filed for divorce, citing infidelity, something he discovered by picking up any newspaper in England. That has to burn. You're in prison, and you see your crazy stick insect cuddling up to a man-whore on the front page of the Daily Mail? Bummer. The infidelity may or may not be true. I'm not sure (media whore) legitimate actor Josh Bowman is ACTUALLY dipping the wick. At least, I hope not... that boy will come up with more diseases than a petri dish. Still, Amy, if no one else, is still living it up in St. Lucia. News of the World reports:

“It’s like I’ve stepped onto a new planet and nothing can harm me here,” she
tells me. “At home I seem to get in with the wrong people and just get myself in
“Yes I’ve been getting p***ed here but, compared to the states I
get into back in London, this is the best behaved I’ve been in years. ... Before
I got here I was just like a zombie most days. But here I’ve got new zest for
life as I’m off the drugs. ... All I’ve done is read books, sunbathe and drink
cocktails. But it’s made me feel like concentrating on my career again."
"Most nights I’ve done a few songs on the piano for a laugh but I’m starting
to think about recording again. I want to capture how happy I am right now in
some new songs.”

Spending time with Amy is like coping with a hyperactive
child. She never sits still and rabbits on, hardly stopping to draw breath.

One guest called Linda from Sheffield told us: “I’ve been here two weeks and
every day I pray she’s gone home.
"But then you see her crawling out of her
room looking a total mess and think, ‘Here we go again.’ She’s just allowed to
run riot.
“She dresses like a cross between a tramp and a prostitute and
I’ve never once seen her wear any shoes for dinner.
“She’s just out of
control. Our peaceful break has been ruined by her.
“Every night we go to
the piano bar and the professional player can’t entertain us because Amy’s taken
“And she can’t even play. She just jabs at odd notes and is usually so
drunk she can barely hold a note. If I have to listen to her do Puppy
again I think I’ll kill her.
“The first day I thought it was quite
exciting having a celebrity there—but believe me, the novelty soon wears off. I
can’t for a minute understand what that handsome well-spoken boy is doing with

Monday, January 12, 2009

Birv Does NOT Love the 80's.

That's not entirely true... I loved the 80's when I lived them... IN THE 80's. However, there are certain unfortunate fashion trends that are being recycled. I'm not ok with it. Member's Only jackets? They're back.

Trolling through my January 2009 J Crew catalog, I came across a layout that had instructions for pinch rolling your jeans. This picture is on their website... RIGHT NOW.

What's next, the Suburban Claw?

The only trend I'll be rocking is slap bracelets, because I live for danger. Tetanus? Lockjaw? Bring it on. Screw those rubber bracelets, I'll be supporting my empty cause via strips of rusty steel.

Update: apparently you can still get slap bracelets... these religious-themed bracelets really can give the nuns a twofer, methinks: Jesus in your heart AND slapping your wrist. You can buy these by the dozen, so let me know if you want one, I'll totally hook you up.

BFF... party favors for the group trip to the Creation Museum? They may help us with our cover.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I ADORE Saying "I Told You So"

So as I prepare to escort another fine lady to the movie tomorrow, I'll say it now... after discussing Twilight's sweet, delicious brain candy for a few months now- certain members of my loyal reading public are coming to Birv to revel in the glory of suppressed Mormon housewifey wet-dream sexuality (and damned if movie Edward isn't fine... for all his Dr. Pepper Lipsmackers smile... phwoar).

Since I'm a classy broad, I will NEVER out you, as I said before. But I totally told you so. I'll even make you you're very own shirt.

You don't have to thank me- bask in the Twilighty goodness. If this is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Is She...Really? Wait... What?

I have seen enough eye-scorching pictures of Amy Winehouse in the past few months to make me need a guide horse, so maybe I'm not seeing this right... please help me out here. she peeing? Does she have a penis?? Did she grow one while she's been on vacation? Is her new boy toy there (Joshua Bowman) that desperate to start a film career?

I'm confused, and a little frightened. This was not covered in Where Did I Come From.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

I am BORED TO TEARS and Don't Have Anything Blogworthy.

Even Craiglist is boring today. I did however, want to note the irony of this free item.

Harry Potter: Chamber of Secrets book + Original Movie Poster (Buffalo Grove)

Have to promote reading, so here is a FREE harry potter book "and the Chamber of Secrets" by J.K. Rowling. I never read it, was more of a Lord of the Rings guy. Also have the actual original movie poster from the first book. Both are yours to pick up whenever, just email me with a time.
Location: Buffalo Grove
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 983209776

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Australians Have a Far Better Sense of Humor Than Catholics

I would actually like to dedicate this to Big Brother, who had to take me to the store to stock up for my first ladytime.

You're a rock, bro.

PS-I know this is the second thing I stole from Geekologie in 24 hours, but come on. Can you blame me?

Screw Seeing-Eye Dogs. I Wanna Pony!!!!

Knowing that there are Guide Ponies to be had, seeing-eye dogs are totally lame. Look at that thing!!! That little pony, called Confetti, makes seeing-eye dogs look like the 8-track cassettes of the blind world.

Here's another minihorse- named Cuddles. CUDDLES!!! IT'S WEARING SHOES!!!

Here are just a few of the many reasons that Seeing Eye Dogs are an epic fail while tiny horses are made of awesome, according to the Guide Horse Foundation:
Long Lifespan - Miniature Horses can live to be more than 50 years old, with the average lifespan being 30-40 years. According to guide dog trainers, guide dogs have a useful life between 8-12 years.
Better acceptance - Many guide dog users report problems getting access to public places because their dog is perceived as a pet. Most people do not associate a horse as a pet, and Guide Horse users report that they are immediately recognized as a working service animal.
Focused Demeanor - Trained horses are very focused on their work and are not easily distracted. Horses are not addicted to human attention and normally do not get excited when petted or groomed.
Good Manners - Guide Horses are very clean and can be housebroken. Horses do not get fleas and only shed twice per year. Horses are not addicted to human affection and will stand quietly when on duty.

Dude, dogs are TOTALLY addicted to human attention. Losers. If I ever go blind, I am counting on YOU, BFF and Sis-in-law, to get me a guide horse... because I know both of you are as excited as I am about the horselets.

Info Site here, with lots more pictures of the cutest weeny horses you've ever seen.

BFF... the following cartoon is for you. You know why.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Proof That the Catholic Church Joined the Dark Side

Churchgoers have no flipping sense of humor, as evidenced by the looks the priests are giving this guy at about the 00:15 mark. On the other hand, I do... and find this hi-larious.

Thanks to Geekologie! Please be my friend!

Madonna Really Needs to Put It Away.

Apparently Louis Vuitton is trying to advertise to zombies, as they let Madonna show us the portal to the World of the Dead. *shudder* All I can say is that I wouldn't want to hold anything that's been this close to Madonna's gooch, so LV's new ad campaign is seriously backfiring.

Moving on. I am so close to giving up on you, Gossip Girl. You aren't proving your worth to me. Dan and Serena are back together, Chuck Bass didn't fall off the building, Jenny Humphrey is back in high school and completely eyeliner-free... WTF. The only thing that doesn't appear to be an epic fail is that I think Blair MAY have slept with Uncle Jack, which would be awesome. But knowing this stupid show, they'll get my heart all a-twitter in the previews and then show that Blair couldn't go through with it, because of her enabling love for Chuck. By the way- is it just me, or is his head permanently attached to his right shoulder? I'm thinking Ed Westwick couldn't deliver a line with his head straight to save his life.

Giving up on GG may be necessary though, as Monday at 7 pm has become a 4 car pile-up on the TV expressway: Gossip Girl, House, Chuck and my new fave Superstars of Dance are all on AT THE SAME TIME! Something needs to give.

Superstars of Dance, by the way, is hella awesome. Not only do we have a KGB joking Russian judge (who was, I kid you not, wearing a nestling dolls shirt last night) and a Chinese Shaolin master judge that speaks ZERO english, we have Michael Flatley as host, dubbed the "most popular dancer on the planet". I guess Mikhail Baryshnikov is on a mission to deep space. The best part of Flatley's presence on the show? His "they're always after me Lucky Charms" accent. Dude, you grew up eight miles away from where I am currently sitting. We all know your real accent is closer to "Da Bears" than Angela's Ashes, for all your experience in Riverdance.

The main flaw of the show is that the judges really have no chance to give an explanation of their scores, which frustrates me. I like to pretend like I can actually dance, and feel like I can learn from the judges' constructive comments. As though I am going to be able to incorporate them into my performance in my living room. Additionally- the audience is a little too... homogenous to cheer on a multi-national dance show. And by homogenous, I mean "all white American people". Just saying- it's hard to believe the production assistants couldn't pull in a few Asian folks to cheer on China. The dancing is completely entertaining, however, and I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to see So You Think You Can Dance's Pasha, Anya and Robert Muraine, that crazy popper dude that quit last season in Vegas. If they get Twitch in there, my head might just explode.

Monday, January 5, 2009

People Are So Damn Nosy!

Honestly- if it isn't invasive comments about my physical being, it's presumptuous questions about my love life.

There's something about being a single woman that seems to enable people, with the same inability to respect boundaries that encourages comments about my weight to ask about my dating life. "How's your love life?" Non-existent, thanks for pointing that out. "Any new boys on your horizon?" Several, and all appear to be retreating hastily. Look- off they run! Whee!
This group of people seems to be limited to married people, particularly women. Is it a sense of maddening superiority that causes them to ask this question every time I see them? Honestly- it's been two days. Do you think someone's suddenly declared their undying love to me in line at Walgreens when I'm picking up acne cream and pads? Do you think I have a secret husband I keep locked in the closet?
Trust me, I'm not that private. If something was going on, you'd know. I'd twirl around singing "I'm in love I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!!"

Sunday, January 4, 2009

"Stomp!*" is Stoopid.

As if I even needed another reason to love David Rakoff, author of Don't Get Too Comfortable. That's him what talks of the coalition of the willing. How does one tell a successful author that an anonymous blogger in another state (i.e. ME) wants to be his best friend?

Hope he does Google searches on himself. Then again, would I want to be friends with someone who Googled himself? What a conundrum.

PS- this has some NSFW language. Since I have a sneaking suspicion Sis-in-law and Also Beth may not know what NSFW means, that stands for Not Safe For Work. No judgment implied if you DID know what it means, I just know neither of you are quite the net-surfing geeks I am.