Monday, March 30, 2009

Fun with Cars

I sincerely hope this is real, because I am completely delighted by it.

I Am Karma's Bitch

My back has revolted against me this morning, which is odd, because I spent yesterday with my lazy ass on the couch catching up on Tivoed SVU reruns, so it's certainly not an activity-based injury.
I'm thinking that it is perhaps karmic payback for hiring a cleaning lady. Sure, I live in a one-bedroom apartment, but if I can pay someone to do something I don't want to do, I'm going to do it, dammit. I would THINK that in this economy that employing someone would be smiled upon by Karma. That slippery whore. I also hobbled to my car this morning only to find that my right passenger tire has died a terrible death after failing to clear an Evil Knievel-style leap over an enormous pothole. Hooray for me!!
So here I am at work, shuffling along like a senile old woman who's misplaced her walker at the WalMart, trying to reason with the most irrational people on the planet, bemoaning the fact that a car is really nothing but a money pit, desperately wishing that the Vicoden I took would make the pain go away, and not just make everything feel so soft. This desk... it's like goosedown!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Little Birthday Wishes!

I love birthdays. I especially love birthdays that fall on Dancing Thursdays. Oh Also Beth... what joy you bring to the Fonzipan world on your birthday!!

In honor of your birthday and your love of the little people... enjoy.

Mini Michael and Also Beth deserve your praise, readers. Shower them with it!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Something From My Childhood Has Come Back and This Time It's Not Destroying My Soul

If Spike Jonze wanted me to have a baby as payment for this movie, I'd strongly consider that request. This looks simply awesome. AWESOME.

I Watch Stuff said it best... this looks like the way warm Krispy Kreme donuts taste. Like melty, delicious angel kisses.

EDIT: HD version,if you're into such things.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Amy Winehouse's New Beau: The Embodiment of Class

He acknowledges the paparazzi, helps you break into (out of?) your own home, and has winning style when it comes to denim. What more could you ask for? Dreamy.

Monday, March 23, 2009

A Horse Named Bill

Remember Forrest Gump in one minute? Those folks are back with Kill Bill Vols 1 & 2. I'm hoping they do some more... they make me smile.

This Brings a New Meaning to "China White"

Those drug cartels are getting creative!! According to the Daily Mail, 45 pounds of cocaine was compressed into a 42-piece china set and apprehended in Spain. My guess is that they aren't dishwasher safe.

On an separate addiction note... the Twilight dvd is in my possession!!! Feel free to come and watch. Give in to that embarrassing urge.

The extra features are short and lame... and all introduced by director Catherine Hardwicke, in the worst DVD marketing ever. Hello... who do we all want to look at? A wiggle-worm stoner in her 40's that never blinks, or Robert Pattinson?

That's a rhetorical question, by the way.PS ... this has to be my final Twilight post for a while. As I look through my posts for the last week... it's turned to a mild obsession that borders on cougar territory.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Tonight... Tonight... Won't Be Just Any Night....

Yes, frankly, tonight's Twilight release is just an excuse to post this picture. I promise I'll make up for this post a little later today. But for now, enjoy some junk food for your brain. mmmm... it tastes like Twizzlers.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Cuz This Is Thrill...oh!

The Thriller dance is the new Chicken Dance at weddings... but I still enjoy it. Add Darth Vader and some StormTroopers in a dance-off, and you've sold me. It's on Dancing Thursdays!!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Will They Be Selling This Line At Target?

Fashion Week reared it's ugly head again last week at the Alexander McQueen show. Looks like "l'enfant terrible" is back... to being one step away from BDSM. Can't wait to get my McQ Ball Gag at Target!

PS- no, you're not seeing things, those ARE soda cans on their heads.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Think Before You Post

Or your intentions may be misinterpreted...

organ for the taking (Kankakee, IL)

Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-03-12, 6:26PM CDT

good size organ for the taking, 815 939 7301. as of Sat. March 14 still available. it is not a keyboard. kankakee, IL. I do not have a picture.

Location: Kankakee, IL

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 1072359441

Thanks to the Rarmy of one for finding this gem!!

St. Patrick... Patron Saint of Beer Goggles

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Fonzipan readers!! Take a moment to thank your liver for all it puts up with from you.

O Captain My Captain... What Have You Gotten Yourself Into?

It's painful when you really like an actor, and see him in something that's less than he deserves. Such is the case with Nathan Fillion in Castle...ABC's new crime procedural (!) on Monday nights.
Castle is just like every other cop show on TV... except it's so badly written. So, SO badly written. Nathan Fillion stars as Rick Castle, a James Patterson-style mystery author, filled with boredom for his rock-star lifestyle- signing women's breasts, golf buddies with mayors and judges. His boredom is leeching his creativity, and he gets writer's block (we know this because of one sentence in last week's pilot), but finds that his creativity abounds in meeting Kate Beckett (Stana Katic), a tough NYPD detective with a hidden past (we know this because of one sentence in last week's pilot too) when a serial killer starts copycatting the murders of Castle's novels. There's also a hint of sexual tension between the two... *wink wink*. We know THAT because of one sentence in last week's pilot. Get where I'm going here?

Fillion is and has always been charming (who else could play Captain Hammer? Malcolm Reynolds? That dude in Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place? yeah... I watched it) and it is him and him alone that has me watching this show at all. Sadly, after two episodes, I'm not sure it's enough- the murders the police are solving are trite (nanny kills other nanny over affair with the musician dad who's sleeping with both? please), the banter between Fillion and Katic is pathetically one sided, and I'm continually re-writing the dialogue in my head to make it more interesting. Fillion is in nearly every scene, and he is working so hard to engage the other actors that he looks a little manic. The best scenes in the shows so far have been between Fillion and his tv family- an aging stage starlet (Susan Sullivan) and his too-together daughter (Molly C. Quinn). The three have a sweet chemistry and play off each other in a familiar and real way.
I really want Castle to work... not just because of my affection for Nathan Fillion...but also because I want ABC to restore my faith after pulling my precious Pushing Daisies. Yeah, I still haven't gotten over it. Sadly, I think this show is a little TOO precious for its own good. A superfamous WRITER? With GROUPIES? Does anyone know a writer like that?
Anyone? No? Ok.

Monday, March 16, 2009

What Has Two Thumbs and Is Super Excited? THIS GAL!

Loyal Ladies of the Embarrassing Twilight Fandom, as of 12:00 AM March 21 (AKA this Friday/Saturday night), we will be able to feed our need in the relative peace and isolation of our homes.

If you've avoided Twilight thus far because you just couldn't bring yourself to show face at the theater, never fear. Birv will have her copy... probably as of 12:01 AM. You can come over and watch it with me. I'll never tell. Stay tuned for a review of the extra features. I feel obligated.

Photos courtesy of the new issue of GQ. Go see it here.

I won't ask why this picture looks so awkward. I will merely say "oh, to be a glove upon that hand..."

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I Really Need to Start Watching Golf

Henrik Stenson in Florida (!) during the opening round of the WGC-CA Championship. Stenson stripped to his skivvies on his CADDIE'S ADVICE, who is evidently the most convincing woman in the world: "Oh, you don't want to get mud on your clothes. Take the shot in your underwear. Tell you what, I'll help clean you up!" Get that woman to talk to Robert Pattinson, and I'll give her a medal.

Sidenote: where does one apply to become a caddie? I could hack it.

Found this on the Daily Mail. Naturally.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I love Ricky Gervais. I also love Sesame Street. THIS IS HEAVEN!!

Lord but I am a blogging fool today. Did I just admit to loving Sesame Street? I meant when I was 3. I swear.

Dancing Thursdays

I may be the only person in the whole world that hasn't seen this video from Ok Go... mainly because of my cable fail. But come on. this makes me SO FREAKING HAPPY!!

Show Us Your... OBAMA?!

This was going to be an punditwear post, but then I got to looking at the other types of beads that the MardiGrasOutlet has, and I figured that this is "best of" worthy.

U.S.A. LOVE IT!!! Love it...

Tricky Dick? Gang sign? Pirate?

Sushi. It's sushi!!!! With an elegant touch of pearls between.

I honestly think the hula dolphins are my favorite. Something about a sea-based mammal in a bra...

This tiger is leering so filthily I don't even want to search in his pot o' gold.

La cucaracha...

Who puts boobs on a frog? Why is this erotic?

Joaquin Phoenix: PCP and Being Heckled Just Don't Mix.

Feeling the sting of irrelevance since he hasn't been in the news for a few weeks, Joaquin Phoenix starting bringing crazy back at a show at the Fontainebleu Miami Beach Hotel last night, when he jumped in the crowd and confronted a dude he thought was/paid for heckling him, according to the Daily Mail:

"Several of those in the audience said they came just to see Phoenix, who kept them waiting for almost four hours.
A scruffy Phoenix finally came out on stage before 2am, smoking a cigarette and wearing a dishevelled dark suit, sneakers and taped-up sunglasses.Then he responded to someone who appeared to be heckling him in the audience near the stage.
'We have a (double-expletive) in the audience,' he said before jumping into the crowd.
It was not immediately clear whether the two men exchanged any blows.
'I saw the guy screaming at Joaquin, and Joaquin just came down,' said Jorge Lledo, 30, of Miami Beach.
He began rapping to a beat played by the DJ and nodding to the music, although most of the lyrics were unintelligible."

Who in the world came just to see Joaquin Phoenix? WHY WOULD YOU WAIT FOUR HOURS?? If you did, shame on you for being disappointed. Your idol is acting more and more like Dewey Cox every day... and if you are surprised and/or disillusioned by Grungy McShavesnomore up there, that's your own fault.

UPDATE: We have video, folks. Well, I think you do... after about :40 the footage appears to turn into a montage of some guy's front pocket.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Random Thought...

What's the deal with the sweater vest? Your chest is cold, but your arms are fine? Do you need a fuller range of motion from which you are inhibited by sleeves?

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike the look, but how did the sweater vest evolve?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Everywhere I Went... I WAS RUNNING!

This tickles me... and not because it reminds me of Big Bro's Forrest Gump impression.

Is Purim Jewish Halloween?

I am ONLY HOPING that Madonna was going as her daughter as a joke, and not some desperate attempt to show that at 50 she can fit into a 13 year old's clothes... as the Daily Mail points out that all the stuff she's wearing is actually Lourdes'.
But what else can she be? Overage Zombie Harajuku Girl from Hell? I thought that spot was taken by Gwen Stefani. BaaZING!

So I just looked Purim up on Wikipedia, and it turns out it IS Jewish Halloween. Who knew? Wikipedia knew, bitches! So that means that Jessica Alba did too! Suck on that!
Purim is celebrated on the 15th of the month, known as Shushan Purim. Purim is characterized by public recitation of the Book of Esther (keriat ha-megilla), giving mutual gifts of food and drink (mishloach manot), giving charity to the poor (mattanot la-evyonim), and a celebratory meal (se'udat Purim);[1] other customs include drinking wine, wearing of masks and costumes, and public celebration.

A Hero Doesn't Care If You're a Bunch of Scary, Alcoholic Bums

People do weird things in the name of assisting others.
I'm intrigued by a website that Sis-In-Law sent me, Pimp This Bum. It's filled with WTF's... not the least of which is the criminal overuse of Everlast's What You Like. I hate that f-ing song. At first glance, it looks like this website is just stripping these men of their dignity, but on closer inspection, it doesn't. In fact, they are treated like human beings, and the use of humor and shock value to grab people's attention certainly works.
I'm interested in documentarists... like naturalists, they never seem to get involved with their subject, hoping instead to remain objective. This is troubling to me; how do you not help someone on the street that you have been working with for months? I'm all for raising awareness, but how do you walk away?

Take a look. This is interesting.

Thanks to Sis-in-Law for the tip!

Friday, March 6, 2009


Who knows why there was a tiger in the aquarium at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom in California, but come on. This is pretty damn heartwarming.
Source: Daily Mail

Thursday, March 5, 2009

That's What You Get For Attending a Ping Pong Tournament...

Thursdays are dance days... and while this one does not fill me with spasms of delight like a group of people spontaneously breaking into rhythm, the score at the end is what makes this for me!

HarryPotterHarryPotterHarryPotterHarryPotter: Or Why the British Love Chintz

The Daily Mail posted this picture of Tom Felton, aka Draco Malfoy, that he uploaded to Twitter after a day of filming.

This must be from Deathly Hallows (#7), which they're filming now. I can't tell you how excited I am about this picture, although it does sort of look like some sort of creepily inappropriate sex-victim picture.

Vitamin D Is Good For You!

Before St. Lucia:

And After:

Let's all get some sun, kittens!!

Thanks to the Daily Mail.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Seriously...What Is Wrong With People In Florida?

A woman in Florida called 911 three times, after being told that her McDonald's ran out of McNuggets today, according to the Chicago Tribune:

"According to a police report, 27-year-old Fort Pierce resident Latreasa L. Goodman told authorities she paid for a 10-piece last week but was later informed the restaurant had run out.She says employees refused to give her a refund, saying all sales were final. A cashier told police she offered Goodman a larger portion of different food for the same price, but Goodman became irate."

By the way, does this say she paid for these nuggets LAST WEEK?! WTF? I can't tell if that's just shoddy grammar and the event happened last week, or if she paid last week and is claiming her nuggets today.

In Latreasa's defense, I can see a certain loyal Fonzipan reader (who shall go nameless) getting this upset if someone gets between her and her fried gizzards at Brown's Chicken. I made that mistake once. I now type with one hand.

EDIT: The 911 calls. Blog bless Youtube.

The Hidden Messages in Children's Toys. Surprise! They're Liberal!

I'm just waiting for the same woman that is convinced her baby doll is spreading the Islamic word to get her hands on this.
Oh Florida. Do you melt people's brains? Or is it just because everyone that lives there is ancient, and therefore senile?
Thanks Geekologie for the picture!