Saturday, May 30, 2009

Y'arrr, There Be a Newly Minted Tharrrrty Year Old!

BFF's birthday extravaganza was a goddamn delight of a time. Laser tag is my new favorite pastime. I am considering buying a set for myself, though I'd probably have to slap the other set on Daisy to avoid annoying all my close friends, who would inevitably grow weary of my constant requests for games and Pirish jabber. But the Doodle's pretty sly, despite the lack of opposable thumbs. I imagine she'd make a good opponent.

Shockingly, I didn't get a good picture of the Stormtrooper shirt, a devastating oversight that will shortly be remedied. The shirt, however, garnered rave reviews and copious boob comments, most made by BFF in a clever attempt to draw attention to the girls by Cincinnati Imaginary Boyfriend. Well played, BFF. Your scheming loyalty is delicious.

Should you ever venture to Cincinnati, please pay a visit to The Pirate’s Den, officially the best bar ever, particularly in which to play a Scavenger Hunt. Tiger head on the wall? Check. Pregnant lady swilling High Life? Check. BRIDAL PARTY? Double check. Man… I could have shut this place DOWN… particularly because buying a round of four drinks cost roughly $8.

Like any vacationer worth her salt, I give you a moderated slide show, including a Fonzipan First... a picture of me! Enjoy it while it lasts.

The Pirate's Den. To visit is to love it. Cupake Armada! I'll have you know BFF and I made each flag by hand. 48 of them. Suck on that, Martha Stewart!

Birv and BFF... together at last for a birthday! This is the first time we've ever been able to spend birthdays together. As it should be, the event was celebrated with crafting and glitter. Please note the eyepatches.

More Questionable Hair Removal Commercials

Oh Gillette. What's your deal? Of course, I sit here writing about it, so I suppose that means you're marketing is totally effective. Sigh. The sacrifices I make as a blogger. At least we have some equality in this ad! It's about time that manscaping was addressed on a wide scale. IT'S APPRECIATED, FELLAS.

Clearly, I took a little bloggy vacation this week (no Dancing Thursdays! gasp!), but I'll make up for it a little today. Lots to post!!!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I've Found a New Sport.

I need to figure out how to get to Norway by 2011, STAT. The last World Beard and Moustache Championship just finished over the Memorial Day weekend, and the next one isn't for 720 DAYS. The countdown begins now.
There are three main categories, Moustaches, Partial Beards and Full Beards... and there are sub categories in each (Partial Beard competition categories include the FuManchu and Alaskan Whaler). A lot of thought is put into each category:

"Discerning fans will notice that the categories are heavily weighted toward upper-lip hair, with fully eight of the categories featuring various forms of moustaches, although two of these categories (FuManchu and Musketeer) are included within the "partial beards" subdivision."
Any championship in which someone has a better beard than the guy above has to be an amazing spectator event. I dream of bringing bubblegum and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to these guys.

Visit the official website here.
Special thanks to PopWatch for brightening my first day back from vacation with this little gem, and for asking the most pertinent question: why isn't this on ESPN2?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

BFF Birthday Extravaganzapalooza Two: Electric Boogaloo!

As you may or may not know, tomorrow is BFF's birthday... which allows for ample Dancing Thursday Fodder. This may be a blowout of BFF-inspired Dancing Thursday clips...she's having a rough day. Let's all give a little love to the BFF.


V is back. This tv show scared the CRAP out of me when I was a little kid. Wanna know why I'm terrified of masks? THIS SHOW!! People ripping their faces off to show reptile heads underneath? Who WOULDN'T be traumatized by this?

Now I'm obligated to watch, Alan Tudyk and Morena Baccarin from Firefly are in it, as well as Elizabeth Mitchell from Lost. AND IT LOOKS LIKE ALAN TUDYK'S FACE GETS RIPPED OFF. When this airs, and you can't find me for a few days, look in the back of one of my closets. I'll be there, huddled in fear. And probably smelly. And definitely demanding that you show me you can't rip your face off.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

And For Those of You Who Couldn't Give a Rip About Glee...

I give you Spidercat.

Glee... How Do I Love Thee?

What are you a part of that brings you joy? If something makes you happy in an otherwise mundane existence, does it matter what other people think about it?

Between texts with BFF (IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS SHOW YOU AREN’T MY FRIEND ANYMORE!), I couldn’t stop squealing with delight over how much I loved this show.

So much happened in the pilot of Glee that it felt much longer than an hour. Songs! A capella interludes of classic music (you haven’t lived until you’ve heard Quincy Jones’ "Soul Bossa Nova" Glee style)! Jane Lynch, pitch perfect as the hyper-competitive cheerleading coach, yelling about hepatitis!

Potentially cliché characters are given depth and humanity. Rachel Berry, a would-be starlet with all the Machiavellian eagerness of Election’s Tracy Flick, is given a background shown during her audition solo, “On My Own” from Les Mis. As her star-quality voice rings out, the audience sees just how unpopular Rachel really is- cyberbullied, drinks thrown in her face, spending more time on MySpace than with real people. Finn, a fresh-faced jock (that TOTALLY would have been my freshman year crush from afar) reveals that he’s so eager to please everyone because he watched his mother’s heart get broken time and time again.

Storylines are real- setting up an early flirtation between the upstanding family-man/Spanish teacher/Glee Club chaperone Will and Germophobe/Nutritionist Emma will surely add weight to what could have been a flighty teen series.

This is so much more than a “musical”. All I can say is when it comes out fully this fall, you better watch it, or we may have to have a talk about our friendship.

This show may even bring back a Cubs fan’s affection for Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin'”.

PS- Since this IS Fonzipan, I couldn't NOT post a little Amy...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Get Your Cougar Running...

I've been laying off the Twilight madness recently, as nothing really new is out (filming shots bore me to tears, just give me the movie already), but the New Moon poster has surfaced... promising no shortage of Dr. Pepper Lipsmacker and chest hair from Mr. Pattinson. Click on the image to enlarge... you'll see what I mean. Our dirty little stoner is growing up!

I don't know if one can actually glean all this from a teaser poster, but does anyone else have the sense that this one may be better acted, simply from the greater emotion and less ridonk "topaz" eye Photoshopping?

Let's break it down. Plus one for the sepia tones, I'm digging those. Minus two for the blush and eye makeup on Edward. They have that dude wearing more makeup than Tammy Faye Bakker. Plus one for Jacob. He's looking pretty good... all clench-fisted and protective. Plus one for not changing Bella's wardrobe, despite a larger filming budget.
What do you all think? Will you see the next one? Yeah... you will. Don't lie.

Monday, May 18, 2009

You Stupid Tease!

What has two thumbs and is always super excited for new tv? THIS GIRL! I have to say, normally, summer tv makes me die a little inside, what with the inundation of ridiculous reality shows and repeats. That's right, when everyone else is taking advantage of the gorgeous weather, I am holed up grub-like in the dark, directly in front of my air conditioning unit, watching the tv.

This summer seemed to be filled with promise, with a new season of So You Think You Can Dance (I love me some dancing!) as well as a new show from Fox called Glee (from Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy), about a bunch of misfits in the high school glee club (with the voices of angels! See below). Snarky commentary on the harsh reality of one's teenage years? Sign me up. High School Musical versions of Amy Winehouse? I already love it like a fat kid loves cake.

Color me excited- this is a new world of television! I may have found my Pushing Daisies replacement (Kristin Chenoweth is even a repeating guest star)!
Then, in reading Fox's fall lineup, it dawned on me that tomorrow's premiere of Glee is a teaser preview for the FALL SEASON! Dammit Fox! Way to get my hopes up 5 months in advance. My summer hopes are dashed. I'll have to... GASP... go outside and enjoy life. Yikes!
I must say, I'm also intrigued that the lineup shows So You Think You Can Dance as the lead-in show for Glee this fall... is this a super-long season, or are we having two seasons in a row?

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Bedazzle Your Poop!

I just spent an evening with 75 gay men, so anything I could find regarding flamboyance and flair was bound to get posted.

Lo and behold... I give you, the Gold Pill. Supposedly able to make your "product" shine like a Maui sunset glinting off the ocean, at $429 a pop (or poop?), these pills are designed to "increase your self-worth", according to the product site, Generate Design. I suppose it DOES increase your self-worth to literally crap money... I usually find my self-worth in a box of Dunkins. Food is love, people.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Dancing Thursdays: Now Available In Your Happy Meal!

I'm not usually one to post about kids. It's not that I don't like them, I just refuse to ascribe to the notion that all kids are inherently precious. They're not.

HOWEVER. Little British children doing Bollywood? I tumbled.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Yes, Please! Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

This direct to video film may be just the vehicle to boost Debbie Gibson's star right back into the limelight! Maybe not Electric Youth limelight, but at least fading star Playboy limelight.

A Mega Shark! That destroys airplanes and the Golden Gate Bridge (that thing is under serious movie-fire lately, wtf?)! A Giant Octopus! That takes out an oil rig! oooohhh.... I see what's going on here. This is going to end up with an environmental message, isn't it.

Lorenzo Lamas, you're poisoning the sea with your hair oil, and the thawed, prehistoric beasties aren't going to take it anymore!

Pre-Order your copy today!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Waste Your Time With Star Wars

Truthfully, I already waste a great deal of my time with Star Wars... the last thing I needed was more things to play with. has a game page filled with all sorts of sharpshooting, memory and Zelda-like games. PEW PEW ON THE CLONES!
If you play at work, I won't tell. Just as long as you don't tell where you found it. If you do, then I am totally throwing you under the bus... PEW PEW ON YOU!
Link to my favorite game, Sharpshooter.

Today's Questionable Product

I really don't mean to examine the world of products developed for "down there" on a daily basis here on Fonzipan, but I couldn't bypass the Cuchini, the product developed due to the mass conversion to the Brazilian. As the website states, there "ain't no bush for the cush". I have to tell you, I never made the connection myself. Clearly, I have not been using my time wisely.

As if we needed more things to worry about... now we need to stick a cup in our panties? When do we say "enough is enough"? Do guys have such questionable products? Now I have to investigate.

Product site here.
PS- don't ask me about the arrow in this picture... I just got it off the website. Maybe it's an "I'm with stupid" arrow for the purchaser?

Monday, May 11, 2009

All Hail the Return of Star Trek!

Key inclusions for any successful sci-fi film:

1. Impending doom on a globally recognized monument (Golden Gate Bridge go boom!).

2. Barren planets (for a minute I could have SWORN we were on Hoth).

3. Protagonist/Antagonist duel above an inexplicably vast drop... inside a ship.

4. Vaginal creeper monster (hello, facehugger from Alien. I'm looking at you).

5. Quasi-annoying, family-friendly creature sidekick (Jar-Jar). Thank blog JJ Abrams made this one a mute.

The new Star Trek has them all, friends and lovers, along with a healthy dose of self-awareness. There are enough jokes at the expense of the original series to show that EVERYONE realizes the campy background from whence the legend sprung (Kirk getting busy with a green-skinned alieness? check.).

However, while there are plenty of insider Trekkie jokes to be had, this truly is the Star Trek for everyone. Abrams and company reinvent the backstory with clever use of time travel and alternate realities (I swear, there IS a Lost tie-in to be had), creating a plot that allows everyone to start at chapter one.
Nero, a Romulan with severe space paranoia has declared vengeance on Spock for an act he commits in the future. Waiting patiently, Nero and his big, spidery ship jump through a worm-hole, altering the events in the lives of our key members of the Enterprise crew. Surprisingly, the time travel is not the main plot arc, but merely the vehicle in which Abrams allows the creation of his Starfleet universe to exist. Naturally, the main plot arc is bringing down the big baddy Nero, and fun, fights and phasers ensue.
The actors look just enough like the original characters that it is believable that they could grow up to look like Shatner and Nimoy, though there was a point at which I started to mourn my youth, looking at these fresh young faces. And I'm not yet 30. It's almost like the cast of Gossip Girl stormed the bridge.

All in all, Sequels are imminent, and I must say, in this case, I'm actually looking forward to them.

PS- told you the facehugger looked like a scary vagina.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Inevitability Just Smacked You In the Face.

It's a parody, y'all!!! But let's be honest... they are starting to run out of beloved memories for the 25-32 target demographic, especially boy toys.

The Smurfs are getting a movie, I'm hoping it's only a matter of time before Rainbow Brite sees some action. (Just think of the gay following you could have!!)

This was sort of entertaining... though frankly, it could have been funnier. Still worth a watch, if you played with My Little Ponies.

Dancing Thursdays: It's Going National!!!

How awesome was last night's Office? Was anyone else as tickled as I was by Michael Scott & Co. participating so wholly in Dancing Thursdays? I think my favorite dance was the crazy slumber-party wiggle that the two Kellys did when Cafe Disco took off: right around minute 1:21 here.

Non-Dance Related PS: Who else loved Dwight comparing Phyllis' teeth-grinding to children singing Christmas carols? Also- anyone else think Phyllis is a comedic 'silent assassin'? She's the soft-spoken straight man for 4 and a half years, and then she breaks out with a glorious "MOTHERF***KER!" Give that woman a Schrute Buck.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Beam Me Up... TO DANCING!

The new Star Trek comes out tomorrow, so you had to know today's Dancing Thursday was going to have an ST theme. I couldn't eat just one!!

On the one hand, Patrick Stewart is possibly the coolest man on earth, and Next Generation WAS my show (Wesley Crusher!! le sigh...), but on the other, a remix of Spock and Kirk...DANCING?

I love all my children equally. I had to post them both.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

There's Such a Thing as Going TOO Green.

Yeah... that's exactly what you think it is. Some looney toon at (a site I normally adore, think stylish craft ebay) set up her own shop called Randumosity in order to foist upon the world her idea of green living:

Etsy Eco-Tip: "Reuse, Reduce and Recycle"Using cloth menstrual pads will lessen your contribution to the landfill!
Added on May 4, 2009

Honestly? I know, I know...fact of life and all that, but the earth-burning Westerner in me begs you to consider the logistics: who wants this thing hanging around their drawer? Is flannel really that... absorbent? I think the thing that makes these so objectionable is the gaggingly cutesy "femininity" with which she chose the designs.

Here are some of the more disturbing fabric choices this ghastly woman made:

Just what we all love being referred to... especially during that special time.

I'm all for retro, but in this situation, Care Bears seem completely inappropriate.

This brings a new meaning to "Ants in your pants". I suspect this was made without a shred of irony.

Monday, May 4, 2009

If Anyone Can Make Something Like This Happen When I'm Around, You Will Instantly Become My Hero.

Almost as good as spontaneous public dancing... T-Mobile introduces mass karaoke, and everyone appears to be having a blast. Why, WHY does everyone in England always look like they're up for a good prank?

PS: at :40 and 2:02... is that Pink, or is it just me??

St. Joseph, God's Real Estate Agent

So it turns out the early bird special yesterday was lovely. No mention of my expiring ova by mom, everyone seemed to have a nice time, and it was absolutely BEAUTIFUL outside, which always helps when you're at a restaurant next to a river. Phew!! Now, on to more exciting news.

Sis-in-law's caper went off without a hitch yesterday. Background: Big Bro and Sis-in-law have some of the most annoying neighbors possible, if you can call being connected to a drug cartel "annoying". The shoot-outs and police raids tend to the extreme side of irritation. Frankly, the 4 charming offspring that flip you off as you walk by (plus a 6 month old PLUS a bun in the oven) and the parties until 2 am are more annoying- as these happen much more often.

Anyway, The Cartel (as we'll call them) have been unsuccessfully trying to sell their house for about 3 years now... something about the barking guard dogs and inability to let prospective buyers see the garage is PROBABLY hindering their success.

Sis-in-law, an ex-Catholic, has decided to return to her roots in order to take matters into her own hands. Enter the St. Joseph Statue, Jesus' earthly pappy and patron saint of carpenters. Apparently, if you bury a St. Joseph statue in the yard of the home you're trying to sell (or buy), and say a prayer every day for two weeks, the home will sell faster. Who says spell-casting only belongs to Wiccans?

Sis-in-law, ready to do just about anything to get The Cartel out of her hair, snuck over to The Cartel's house yesterday (while they were at a Christening!) and buried her own little St. Joseph.

Let's help her out- the real prayer is below, but that's super-long, so I think we'll try a shorter one, but if we all say it for her, it'll probably work.

"St. Joseph, hear my prayer..Pimp This House, Y'all!!"

you who taught our Lord
the carpenter's trade,
and saw to it
that he was always properly housed,
hear my earnest plea.
I want you to help me now
as you helped your foster-child Jesus,
and as you have helped many others
in the matter of housing.
I wish to sell this [house/property]
quickly, easily, and profitably
and I implore you to grant my wish
by bringing me a good buyer,
one who is
eager, compliant, and honest,
and by letting nothing impede the
rapid conclusion of the sale.

Dear Saint Joseph,
I know you would do this for me
out of the goodness of your heart
and in your own good time,
but my need is very great now
and so I must make you hurry
on my behalf.
Saint Joseph, I am going to place you
in a difficult position
with your head in darkness
and you will suffer as our Lord suffered,
until this [house/property] is sold.
Then, Saint Joseph, i swear
before the cross and God Almighty,
that i will redeem you
and you will receive my gratitude
and a place of honour in my home.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The Peccadilloes of Aging Parents, or OMG, We're Early Birds.

May is birthday month for Birv, with no less than 9 people I consider close friends/family aging just a little more. Who knows why people are so intent on gettin' busy in September, but more power to 'em!

Two of said birthdays are my parents; mom's was on the 1st and dad's on the 4th. One would think this would make birthday celebrations filled with one-stop-shop ease. This is not, however, the case.

Mom's martyr-meter was on high ("The only present we want is to see all our kids together!"), so after two weeks of struggling to get three adult children and their various families to all agree on one day, dinner plans at a favorite family establishment were made. AT 4:00 PM IN THE AFTERNOON.

Do people outside of Florida dine this early? Is there some sort of genetic timebomb that goes off once you hit 55 that alters our instincts to eat while it's still light out? All I know is that I have to figure out how I'm going to choke down prime rib and discussions regarding my (rapidly waning) fertility before the sun goes down without the assistance of alcohol.

My current (though admittedly petty) plan is to establish an early, smug sense of superiority over any former high-school classmates that may be manning the valet station. Here's hoping they're still there, for my sake.

I will also be hoping for the assistance of the Shadow Hare and his League of Superfriends, which HAS to include a Chicago-land branch.

BFF lives in Cinci... she should be able to get me the hookup.

UPDATE: According to the World Superhero Registry, while there is a boon of superhero activity in Jackson, Michigan, Chicago is BEREFT of superheroes. This explains a lot, actually. It also has just opened the door on my next career move: The Hazel Hedgehog shall rise!!!!