Stop Calling My Vagina a Kitty, It's Been Around For Years.

I can't seem to get away from the poon this week. I was up last night, suffering a bout of insomnia that I was trying to kill with a bottle of wine, and hoping to find some good infomercials to share with you all. Instead, I came across the "Hail to the V" campaign by Summer's Eve... which I had thought was only an online nightmare. After all, the internet was invented for pussy, right?

In case you don't know, here's the "Hail to the V" campaign.  There used to be more, which included talking hands posing as racially stereotyped vaginas. You'll have to imagine what I'm talking about though, because happily, Summer's Eve removed those ads within two weeks of being posted; likely because the comments on their YouTube channel were overwhelmingly negative.  Because that's what every woman wants, a talking vagina.  IT'S WHIMSICAL, BITCHES!

So... yeah. I get it, you have a dying product. People don't douche anymore... and I certainly don't feel the need to buy a whole separate soap for my cooter. So why not try the last ditch effort, the shock & awe campaign?  The swan song of advertisers... when all else fails, at least get people talking about you. Which is working- I'm writing about you.  It still doesn't mean that I'm going to buy your douche. (Side rant: Not buying your product doesn't mean I don't love my vagina.  Nice try with the guilt advertising though.)

So now Summer's Eve only has one commercial on their YouTube Channel... Men fighting for some tang. They have a point... Helen of Troy. Cleopatra. Guinevere. Well. That last one is fictional, but still. I see where you're going.

They also have some favorite videos... which lead me down the rabbit hole (pussy hole?), and I stumbled across this, from That'sVaginal.com.  Pretty sure this is still Summer's Eve, posing as some random passerby that happens to really love vagina.  Just an FYI, don't let the innocuous cat puppet (ugh... kitty) fool you, the site is pretty NSFW.  It's a blog all about vaginas... including the vagina mold gallery that someone has created.

I just post it, I don't make it, people.

I don't like puppets, I'm not hugely fond of cats, and hey, using a cat puppet debunks the what you're saying about how you don't like people using euphemisms for vaginas, but I will admit that this guy's voice does make me laugh... and the Georgia O'Keefe reference earned a chortle. 

But it does make me wonder, what's up with the whole vaginal pride movement? Do we really need one? My irritation about this comes from the same place that gives me agita about people who spell women "wombyn" and have Menarche parties. 

I'm not much of a joiner, and crap like this is the reason why. I don't want to go to some kid's party because she bleeds on a regular basis...LIKE HALF THE POPULATION OF THE PLANET DOES. I also don't want to have a party to watch you eat your placenta. If you want to eat what amounts to your own giant scab, be my guest. Just don't include me, and don't be surprised when I am horrified that you've done so if you choose to tell me about it. It's gross. You know it is.

I'm not saying that women shouldn't have pride in themselves, or their femininity. But shouldn't this pride celebrate the power of the female mind, and not the fact that we have functioning reproductive organs? Can I start pride movements for other organs?  Because I have a really bitchin' spleen I want you all to know about. 

 

Since this is a YouTube kinda post, I'll leave you with this.  Happily, the pregnant women that I've been closest to haven't been smug... but I think that's why we're friends in the first place. They haven't lost their goddamned minds, they just had a baby. And I appreciate them for this.