School Time

We (meaning me) like to educate here at Fonzipan. Knowledge is power.  So this post goes out to Big Bro and Sissy.

Furries:

Furbies:

Once more.

Furries:

Furbies:

This is why I'm afraid of mascots.  ALSO... why I refuse to rent costumes.

Stop Calling My Vagina a Kitty, It's Been Around For Years.

I can't seem to get away from the poon this week. I was up last night, suffering a bout of insomnia that I was trying to kill with a bottle of wine, and hoping to find some good infomercials to share with you all. Instead, I came across the "Hail to the V" campaign by Summer's Eve... which I had thought was only an online nightmare. After all, the internet was invented for pussy, right?

In case you don't know, here's the "Hail to the V" campaign.  There used to be more, which included talking hands posing as racially stereotyped vaginas. You'll have to imagine what I'm talking about though, because happily, Summer's Eve removed those ads within two weeks of being posted; likely because the comments on their YouTube channel were overwhelmingly negative.  Because that's what every woman wants, a talking vagina.  IT'S WHIMSICAL, BITCHES!

So... yeah. I get it, you have a dying product. People don't douche anymore... and I certainly don't feel the need to buy a whole separate soap for my cooter. So why not try the last ditch effort, the shock & awe campaign?  The swan song of advertisers... when all else fails, at least get people talking about you. Which is working- I'm writing about you.  It still doesn't mean that I'm going to buy your douche. (Side rant: Not buying your product doesn't mean I don't love my vagina.  Nice try with the guilt advertising though.)

So now Summer's Eve only has one commercial on their YouTube Channel... Men fighting for some tang. They have a point... Helen of Troy. Cleopatra. Guinevere. Well. That last one is fictional, but still. I see where you're going.

They also have some favorite videos... which lead me down the rabbit hole (pussy hole?), and I stumbled across this, from That'sVaginal.com.  Pretty sure this is still Summer's Eve, posing as some random passerby that happens to really love vagina.  Just an FYI, don't let the innocuous cat puppet (ugh... kitty) fool you, the site is pretty NSFW.  It's a blog all about vaginas... including the vagina mold gallery that someone has created.

I just post it, I don't make it, people.

I don't like puppets, I'm not hugely fond of cats, and hey, using a cat puppet debunks the what you're saying about how you don't like people using euphemisms for vaginas, but I will admit that this guy's voice does make me laugh... and the Georgia O'Keefe reference earned a chortle. 

But it does make me wonder, what's up with the whole vaginal pride movement? Do we really need one? My irritation about this comes from the same place that gives me agita about people who spell women "wombyn" and have Menarche parties. 

I'm not much of a joiner, and crap like this is the reason why. I don't want to go to some kid's party because she bleeds on a regular basis...LIKE HALF THE POPULATION OF THE PLANET DOES. I also don't want to have a party to watch you eat your placenta. If you want to eat what amounts to your own giant scab, be my guest. Just don't include me, and don't be surprised when I am horrified that you've done so if you choose to tell me about it. It's gross. You know it is.

I'm not saying that women shouldn't have pride in themselves, or their femininity. But shouldn't this pride celebrate the power of the female mind, and not the fact that we have functioning reproductive organs? Can I start pride movements for other organs?  Because I have a really bitchin' spleen I want you all to know about. 

 

Since this is a YouTube kinda post, I'll leave you with this.  Happily, the pregnant women that I've been closest to haven't been smug... but I think that's why we're friends in the first place. They haven't lost their goddamned minds, they just had a baby. And I appreciate them for this.

Get Your Boobies Out, It's HALLOWEEN!

That time is upon us- the time to dress as slutty as possible in public. All in the name of Halloween. I take full part in it- I was a slutty pirate last year (when else can one wear a petticoat??), and some costumes make sense in a slutty concept: sexy cop, sexy schoolgirl. However, when you begin dressing up mundane items to be sexy, I just don't understand it. So today we're showing my top 10(ish) trends in weird slutty costumes. (Up top is Brian from Family Guy. It doesn't make much sense to me either, because you know, you don't look like him at all.)

This one isn't really a weird theme, flappers make sense in slutty, so it's more like a bonus post. I just feel the need to say that there are some bold ass women out there. This is sheer. WHAT KIND OF PARTY ARE YOU ATTENDING, MADAM??

Another bonus post: Magazine. I actually think this is HILARIOUS. I saw some others that are fine art too, which are unfortunately sold out, because otherwise I would totally do the Mona Lisa.

Sexy Board Games. Yeah, nothing's sexier than SCRABBLE. OOH,Triple Word Score me, baby!

Sexy Olive Oyl. Isn't the whole point of Olive Oyl that she ISN'T sexy?

Sexy Mrs. Potato-head. Really? I mean... REALLY?

Sexy Strawberry Shortcake. My childhood is ruined!!! (I seriously LOVED Strawberry Shortcake. I had the Atari game, where you had to make the Purple Pie Man nice, I dressed up (non-sexily) as S.S's cat, Custard one year, and one of my favorite movies was when she went to the Big Apple City. I also had one of the blow-kiss dolls- remember those? They would kiss you, and it would smell like strawberries.) But bonus points to the manufacturer for having the berry gang: Apple Dumplin', Blueberry Muffin and Lemon Merengue are all for sale. Okay. You caught me. If they weren't almost $60 I'd probably be Blueberry Muffin. I like her hat.

Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Apparently my age group is the target demo for sexy costumes right now... but must we destroy our childhood memories? Wait. On second thought, take TMNT. Go 'head.

Sexy Pac-Man Ghost. This really isn't a stand-alone costume... it makes way more sense if there are 4 or 5 of you running around in these.

Beer Pong. My main problem with this is that outside of the ping pong ball necklace and the quote, which also appears on the butt of this dress, "Don't forget to wash your balls" (heh), it doesn't really have anything to do with beer pong. Call me a purist, but it's cheating if you have to tell someone what you are because really, you're basically wearing a condom.

Recycling. Kind of like Beer Pong, it's very difficult to dress up as a concept for Halloween. How do you explain what you are when someone asks? "I'm recycling." "Are you a superhero?" "No, I'm recycling." "Are you from like, a movie?" "No, I'm RECYCLING. tuh."

The Man In The Canoe. Slutty Costumes- not just for girls anymore! I will admit, this one made me laugh. Wait for it... it'll come to you.

Sexy Nemo. Disney is cute on your kid, disturbing on you.

Number one with a bullet: Anna Rexia. The irony that this comes in plus sizes actually makes it sort of funny.

It's Gotta Be Like Sitting On Tennis Balls

Because my ass just isn't big enough... I think that it is time to add some fake cushion for the pushin'. Introducing the BOOTYPOP, ladies. And gents, if you feel you need to fill out the back end of your jeans a little better.



No booty-ness has never been a problem for me. I have ass to spare, no matter how many lunges I do/3rd story apartments with no elevators I move into. But (hehe) are the POPS sitting on the top of your cheeks? Is that where you need more butt? On me I'm pretty sure it would just look like I was smuggling cereal bowls.

Gotta say, if you have no booty, I can see the market for these. Here's Birv's Better Idea... make the POPS a place to store things- keys... ID... spare pair of panties for when you get to the home of the gentleman you're trying to woo with your POPPING ass. Speaking of butt-minded men... who snickered at the creepy leering man at the coffee shop in the ad? I did! At least, in my mind, it was a pervert in public, and not a husband disinterested in his flat-assed wife. Disinterested until she added 5 lbs on her rump and nowhere else, that is!! HOTT.

What do these feel like if the creeper grabs them, anyway? I mean, if you're slow dancing (people still do that, right?), and that certain someone wants to pull you in a little closer... what happens?

I love that it's endorsed by Martha Stewart. Never knew she cared about the roundedness of my rump.

CatFish, you and your adorable web-browsing sidekick have made me love again. Hooray blog!! Blogging, hooray!

Is "Twi-Babies: The Animated Series" Cartoon Coming Next?

People.com's StyleWatch is showing us the true extent of Twi-fever... Barbie has now gotten a piece of the pie with Edward and Bella (she kind of just looks like a regular Barbie!) dolls, at $25 a pop, available November 1st. It's like action figures for goth kids! I do like that Ken... er... Edward has the sexhair, although it looks like it's just molded plastic. How are the kiddies going to run their grubby fingers through it?


Emo non-threatening undead love is also low-hanging fruit for Hallmark, who have a series of greeting cards covering all the important vampire holidays... Valentines Day, Halloween (!) and Birthdays.

E! Online shows the line here: please go take a look so you can see "Let's go trick or treating in Forks, Washington! I hear there's a lot of eye-candy there!"

Why I Never Liked Dolls. (Those creepy eyes!)

Meet Bebe Gloton, the Spanish sensation that's sweeping the nation, according to the Daily Mail.

Anyone else totally have the creepers from this video? Even the little girl doesn't seem to be having much fun. The little apron with the petal nipples? *shudder* Again, I know it's natural, blah blah blah. But this is one toy I wouldn't want my kid pulling out at the Steak & Shake, you know?

Anyone Else See the Innuendo?

Or am I the only dirty bird?

I love that it's two and a half pounds... you may as well just grab a can of Campbell's and jiggle it around for all the good it'll do. I wonder if the "prestigious California university" would find that effective as well!

I'll Give It Two Years Before You Totally Regret This.

I'll bet $50 this girl dreams of the day she meets Robert Pattinson, not realizing that instead of causing him to profess undying love, it causes him to get a restraining order.

Geekologie has a whole gallery of Twi-tats... check it out. It makes me really sad.

But... Then Where Would I Keep My Remote?

Do you have huge knockers? Whether you got them from nature or from Dr. Feelgood, it doesn't matter, those of us with enormous melons can all be helped by today's questionable product, the Kush Support, designed to keep you from getting wrinkly cleavage. From the website:

"After comprehensive research and testing, Kush was developed as an anatomically contoured accessory offering both health and beauty benefits. Made from a lightweight plastic with a slip-resistant outer coating, Kush is uniquely designed to fit between the breasts to maintain a more natural shape while resting on your side. No straps, no underwires, no constraints, no adhesives and no garments needed - the slip-resistant surface and contoured shape help keep Kush in place as a woman rolls from one side to the other during sleep."

It's a little steep at $55, when I could just as easily shove a can of creamed corn in between the girls... but if the professionals at the best little whorehouse in Texas use them, I guess I probably should too! Seriously- what's with her pajamas? Does anyone actually sleep in things like that?

Product Site here!

That Was... Predictable.

In a twist that surprises no one, Kimberley Vlaminck (that impulsive little imp with 56 stars on tattooed on her face) has now admitted that she was a damn dirty liar that blames other people for her problems.

According to the Daily Mail, Vlaminck told a Dutch TV crew that she adored the stars when she first got them, but her father was furious when he saw what his fool daughter did, so like any overprivileged teenager worth her salt, she lied to the world and got someone else in trouble. Get this girl into politics!!!

We're not upset at what you did, Kimberley, we're upset that you lied about it. Wow... did I just sound like my mother? I DID. Anyway, this prompted me to assemble a gallery of tattoos people will SURELY regret.

Not only do we have unicorns banging, one of them is smoking a cigarette. Class all the way!! I wonder if this is on a guy or a girl.

Who wouldn't want a picture of Toothless Mary and her appendix scar on their arm? What a way to give a shout-out to the town hooker.

Now, I love this movie. I do NOT, however, love it enough to immortalize it on my calf. It also took me several moments to realize that's not a brain at the bottom, but a tot.

That WoW stat bar will be "LVL Down" in 20 years time.

Actually, I love this one. I can't even think of how to describe how much I love LOL Jesus.

This is one of several variations I found on the "butthole" tattoo. Yes! Your belly button looks like a butt! Way to go... that's permanent.

Naked, bucktoothed Indian riding a corndog. Welp... if you're getting a stupid tattoo, you may as well go balls-out.

You may be, but your tattoo artist is not... "awsome".

That is serious dedication to the Frosty. I love me some Dunkin's, but I'm not getting "America Runs" needled into my ass.

Twilight Has Officially Taken Over the World.

No, I'm not joking. Here's the website. Truthfully, I can't think of what would be worse than to be trapped on a boat with a bunch of Twi-hards and an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. ("Since we humans still enjoy eating, the chefs will be working around the clock preparing your favorite foods and this is included in your cruise fare! So is 24 hour room service!")

Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, be prepared to be inundated with questions about Robert Pattinson... that's pretty much going to be what takes up the 8 days that you will be huddled in your room with no exit and a screaming horde of Tiger Beaters that seem unable to type in anything but exclamation points:

"Wait Till You See Where You Will Be Going!!Your Alaskan Explorer cruise begins in Seattle. (Yikes! Hopefully there won't be any "newborns" there)! We sail from Seattle to Glacier Bay - one of Alaska's most beautiful glacier regions where you can watch Glaciers "calve" in front of your very eyes... totally awesome!"

Via con Dios, kids. I'll be happy to watch my dvd in my living room with no lights on and the sound really low so no one can tell I'm watching it for the fortieth time.

A Creepy Tribute

Watch a lot of mid-morning television? Have $149 you want to throw in the toilet? Really dig porcelain figurines? Trying to figure out SOME WAY to prove your love for the First Lady? Look no more. The Danbury Mint will solve all of these conundrums in one fell swoop, with the Michelle Obama Inaugural Doll.

Standing at 16 inches and fully poseable (though those arms will look weird doing anything else), Michelle will be a lovely addition to your dust-collecting group of eerily realistic dolls. If you want this, I will bet that you have a Princess Diana Engagement Plate laying around somewhere in your home.

The Comfort Wipe: Because You're a Filthy, Filthy Creature.

Oh, it's real. Check out the Product Site.

I can't imagine that this is all that "ergonomic"... my buttcheeks aren't 4 inches apart. Perhaps that's one of those "disadvantages" of being a big person that dude is talking about? Anyway, you're going to have wedge that thing in there.

Also... what disability do you imagine that classy WASP having that requires her to have someone else wipe her ass?

You Look Stupid: Why You Never Ask for a Tattoo On Your Face.

This is 18 year old Belgian, Kimberley Vlaminck. Kimberley claims she asked for 3 stars on her face, by her eye... which is foolish enough ("Granny? What are those green droopy things on your face?"). This is what she got instead.

According to the Daily Mail, she's trying to sue the tattoo artist, stating that he didn't understand her in English or French:

'I think he didn’t understand what I wanted. He spoke only fractured English and French.
'But I explicitly said in my native tongue, French, and also in a little bit of English when he looked confused, that I wanted three little stars only near my left eye.'

This is key area number one. If someone who's about to needle ink permanently under your skin ever looks confused, stop. Stop right there and draw a picture.

Key area number two:

She claims she fell asleep while he was doing his work... and awoke to 'this nightmare'.
'It is terrible for me,' said Kimberley. 'I cannot go out on to the street, I am so embarrassed. I just look horrible.'

You're a shitty liar, Kimberley. Anyone in the world who's ever had a tattoo will tell you that you aren't asleep... ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE GETTING A NEEDLE STUCK REPEATEDLY IN YOUR FACE. If you did fall asleep, you shouldn't have eaten that Space Cake.

The tattoo artist basically called her out on her shenanigans, saying she was awake for the whole thing and looked in the mirror several times. Sounds like SOMEONE got busted by her parents for being a moron.

Bedazzle Your Poop!

I just spent an evening with 75 gay men, so anything I could find regarding flamboyance and flair was bound to get posted.

Lo and behold... I give you, the Gold Pill. Supposedly able to make your "product" shine like a Maui sunset glinting off the ocean, at $429 a pop (or poop?), these pills are designed to "increase your self-worth", according to the product site, Generate Design. I suppose it DOES increase your self-worth to literally crap money... I usually find my self-worth in a box of Dunkins. Food is love, people.

Today's Questionable Product

I really don't mean to examine the world of products developed for "down there" on a daily basis here on Fonzipan, but I couldn't bypass the Cuchini, the product developed due to the mass conversion to the Brazilian. As the website states, there "ain't no bush for the cush". I have to tell you, I never made the connection myself. Clearly, I have not been using my time wisely.

As if we needed more things to worry about... now we need to stick a cup in our panties? When do we say "enough is enough"? Do guys have such questionable products? Now I have to investigate.

Product site here.

PS- don't ask me about the arrow in this picture... I just got it off the website. Maybe it's an "I'm with stupid" arrow for the purchaser?

There's Such a Thing as Going TOO Green.

Yeah... that's exactly what you think it is. Some looney toon at etsy.com (a site I normally adore, think stylish craft ebay) set up her own shop called Randumosity in order to foist upon the world her idea of green living:

Etsy Eco-Tip: "Reuse, Reduce and Recycle"Using cloth menstrual pads will lessen your contribution to the landfill!
Added on May 4, 2009

Honestly? I know, I know...fact of life and all that, but the earth-burning Westerner in me begs you to consider the logistics: who wants this thing hanging around their drawer? Is flannel really that... absorbent? I think the thing that makes these so objectionable is the gaggingly cutesy "femininity" with which she chose the designs.

Here are some of the more disturbing fabric choices this ghastly woman made:

Just what we all love being referred to... especially during that special time.

I'm all for retro, but in this situation, Care Bears seem completely inappropriate.

This brings a new meaning to "Ants in your pants". I suspect this was made without a shred of irony.

Deja Flu

"Dottie had a heart condition, and she DIED."

I don't deny Swine Flu is real, or that it poses a considerable threat. There are conspiracy theorists out there that believe this is a vaccination readiness beta test, or just a full-on hoax, the same people that believe the Y2K scare and Avian Flu were just media conspiracies to frighten the unsuspecting population.

However, the outbreak of viral news about Swine Flu is certainly spreading quicker than the actual virus, which got me thinking... it easier to create a fear of a pandemic because of rapid advancement in public media?

The video above is allegedly real, from all accounts, and from 1976, when an outbreak of Swine Flu caused a mass governmental vaccination, where the vaccination caused more death and medical issues than the actual flu outbreak (1 man died from the flu, 500 people were diagnosed with Guillain-Barre, ending in 25 deaths), according to NPR.

Is the fear of the flu spreading faster than the condition ever will? When news with questionable sources can be broadcast on the internet in seconds, what measures can be taken to urge caution?

Taking the Metaphors Too Far: Questionable Razor Ads

Ummm...

Upperclass America Takes It's Love of Fleece Too Far.

Fleece... the first choice in outerwear by upper-class white people. Behold the Peekaru, the fleece to keep baby warm on those long treks to your BMW X5.

Because what do upper-class people like to do more than anything else? Flaunt their spawn and ability to find love with their homogenous-looking spouses in front of the general population, getting as close as possible to carrying a banner that says "WE FUCK!!", without actually having the banner. Because apparently that would be tackier than the "Smitten", mittens for lovers.

I know it's difficult, choosing between your love of fleece and love for your spouse... but now you don't have to. You can shamelessly flaunt both with sweaty palm hand-holding in the tandem mitten: "My nose itches!" "Awwww I'll scratch it for you, poopsie!!" *HORF*

Where can one pick up the Smitten? Restoration Hardware, where apparently it was so popular that they are currently sold out.

Thanks to Sis in Law for the Peekaru tip, and I'll do you one better:

Photoshops courtesy of Emptees, via Geekologie. Natch.