Stop Calling My Vagina a Kitty, It's Been Around For Years.

I can't seem to get away from the poon this week. I was up last night, suffering a bout of insomnia that I was trying to kill with a bottle of wine, and hoping to find some good infomercials to share with you all. Instead, I came across the "Hail to the V" campaign by Summer's Eve... which I had thought was only an online nightmare. After all, the internet was invented for pussy, right?

In case you don't know, here's the "Hail to the V" campaign.  There used to be more, which included talking hands posing as racially stereotyped vaginas. You'll have to imagine what I'm talking about though, because happily, Summer's Eve removed those ads within two weeks of being posted; likely because the comments on their YouTube channel were overwhelmingly negative.  Because that's what every woman wants, a talking vagina.  IT'S WHIMSICAL, BITCHES!

So... yeah. I get it, you have a dying product. People don't douche anymore... and I certainly don't feel the need to buy a whole separate soap for my cooter. So why not try the last ditch effort, the shock & awe campaign?  The swan song of advertisers... when all else fails, at least get people talking about you. Which is working- I'm writing about you.  It still doesn't mean that I'm going to buy your douche. (Side rant: Not buying your product doesn't mean I don't love my vagina.  Nice try with the guilt advertising though.)

So now Summer's Eve only has one commercial on their YouTube Channel... Men fighting for some tang. They have a point... Helen of Troy. Cleopatra. Guinevere. Well. That last one is fictional, but still. I see where you're going.

They also have some favorite videos... which lead me down the rabbit hole (pussy hole?), and I stumbled across this, from That'sVaginal.com.  Pretty sure this is still Summer's Eve, posing as some random passerby that happens to really love vagina.  Just an FYI, don't let the innocuous cat puppet (ugh... kitty) fool you, the site is pretty NSFW.  It's a blog all about vaginas... including the vagina mold gallery that someone has created.

I just post it, I don't make it, people.

I don't like puppets, I'm not hugely fond of cats, and hey, using a cat puppet debunks the what you're saying about how you don't like people using euphemisms for vaginas, but I will admit that this guy's voice does make me laugh... and the Georgia O'Keefe reference earned a chortle. 

But it does make me wonder, what's up with the whole vaginal pride movement? Do we really need one? My irritation about this comes from the same place that gives me agita about people who spell women "wombyn" and have Menarche parties. 

I'm not much of a joiner, and crap like this is the reason why. I don't want to go to some kid's party because she bleeds on a regular basis...LIKE HALF THE POPULATION OF THE PLANET DOES. I also don't want to have a party to watch you eat your placenta. If you want to eat what amounts to your own giant scab, be my guest. Just don't include me, and don't be surprised when I am horrified that you've done so if you choose to tell me about it. It's gross. You know it is.

I'm not saying that women shouldn't have pride in themselves, or their femininity. But shouldn't this pride celebrate the power of the female mind, and not the fact that we have functioning reproductive organs? Can I start pride movements for other organs?  Because I have a really bitchin' spleen I want you all to know about. 

 

Since this is a YouTube kinda post, I'll leave you with this.  Happily, the pregnant women that I've been closest to haven't been smug... but I think that's why we're friends in the first place. They haven't lost their goddamned minds, they just had a baby. And I appreciate them for this.

Burger King: Mecca of Tasteful Innuendo

Frankly, I'm surprised that the word "blow" wasn't in a different color, or in bigger font size than the rest of the tagline and mayonnaise wasn't dripping from the poor girl's mouth.

I have to say... I am on the verge of saying kudos to Burger King for just saying "screw you" to everyone that is on a health kick. Or a woman. In the past few years, Burger King has done the opposite of every other fast food chain and strived to make their food as unhealthy as possible. With the Super Seven Incher, BK may as well have flipped the bird at the Surgeon General and thrown lard in his face: "Healthy lifestyle? Fuck that noise!!"

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an overwhelming urge for sausage. No idea why.

Today's Questionable Product

I really don't mean to examine the world of products developed for "down there" on a daily basis here on Fonzipan, but I couldn't bypass the Cuchini, the product developed due to the mass conversion to the Brazilian. As the website states, there "ain't no bush for the cush". I have to tell you, I never made the connection myself. Clearly, I have not been using my time wisely.

As if we needed more things to worry about... now we need to stick a cup in our panties? When do we say "enough is enough"? Do guys have such questionable products? Now I have to investigate.

Product site here.

PS- don't ask me about the arrow in this picture... I just got it off the website. Maybe it's an "I'm with stupid" arrow for the purchaser?

Taking the Metaphors Too Far: Questionable Razor Ads

Ummm...

You Could Probably Rent Storage Space In There.

I'm sure you've heard of the woman who gave birth to octuplets last week on the 26th. I don't even want to THINK of what that does to your insides.

According to People, her mom confirms what the rest of us realized upon hearing the news promos: she's a baby-obsessed nutjob.

Meanwhile, grandma said she is at the home they share in Whittier, taking
care of Nadya's other six other children, ages 2 to 7. And she has a message for
her daughter: When you get home, it's bye-bye, baby. "I'm going to be gone,"
says Angela. ... Nadya Suleman's "obsession" with children, says her mother, caused Angela to seek help from a therapist, who told her to ask her daughter to leave the house. But Angela backed down. "I didn't want to throw her out," she says.

There are only two acceptable reasons to have this many children: 1) to combat Brad and Angelina's attempt at world domination through a larger and therefore more powerful infant army, or, the most appropriate reason, 2) Alien DNA harvesting. We're this close, E.T.!!!

Al Gore Is a Damn Dirty Liar.

He clearly has never had the boogers inside his nose freeze while walking across the barren tundra of a parking lot near O'Hare... where the wind chill is currently -40 degrees Fahrenheit.

There is little dignity involved when getting dressed for winter in Chicago... and even less fashion.

I realize this may be the cause of a very long lecture from Big Brother, but fuck global warming. Can't come soon enough, if you ask me.

In the meantime, for the next three months, this is my happy place. Repeat after me: "Birv's in Bora Bora. Birv's in Bora Bora. Birv's in Bora Bora."
*** Disclaimer*** Due to the fact that there ARE some people I don't know that read my blog, and thus may not understand my acerbic wit and sarcasm (heh... aren't I generous with myself), I totally believe in global climate change, and think it's a bad thing, though not for the Earth. The Earth is completely able to right itself, no matter how badly we screw it up. It will, however, wipe out humankind in the process if we don't act to correct it... which means we're all deadsky. So I do recycle, use natural products, and carry reuseable grocery bags. I'm a regular environmentalist! EndRant.

Is She...Really? Wait... What?

I have seen enough eye-scorching pictures of Amy Winehouse in the past few months to make me need a guide horse, so maybe I'm not seeing this right... please help me out here. Is...is she peeing? Does she have a penis?? Did she grow one while she's been on vacation? Is her new boy toy there (Joshua Bowman) that desperate to start a film career?

I'm confused, and a little frightened. This was not covered in Where Did I Come From.

Can you pack Lysol in a carry-on?

This is a bar stool designed for the kilt-wearing men of Scotland that the Geekologie writer found. I have to say, I never really thought about the hygiene of pub seats... until now.

Thanks to Brenda, who is about 1000 times cooler than me for snapping the immortal photo below. A little "where's waldo" game for you...if you look close, you can spot a loud-mouthed 17 year old Birv in the glass.