Monday, May 4, 2009

St. Joseph, God's Real Estate Agent

So it turns out the early bird special yesterday was lovely. No mention of my expiring ova by mom, everyone seemed to have a nice time, and it was absolutely BEAUTIFUL outside, which always helps when you're at a restaurant next to a river. Phew!! Now, on to more exciting news.

Sis-in-law's caper went off without a hitch yesterday. Background: Big Bro and Sis-in-law have some of the most annoying neighbors possible, if you can call being connected to a drug cartel "annoying". The shoot-outs and police raids tend to the extreme side of irritation. Frankly, the 4 charming offspring that flip you off as you walk by (plus a 6 month old PLUS a bun in the oven) and the parties until 2 am are more annoying- as these happen much more often.

Anyway, The Cartel (as we'll call them) have been unsuccessfully trying to sell their house for about 3 years now... something about the barking guard dogs and inability to let prospective buyers see the garage is PROBABLY hindering their success.

Sis-in-law, an ex-Catholic, has decided to return to her roots in order to take matters into her own hands. Enter the St. Joseph Statue, Jesus' earthly pappy and patron saint of carpenters. Apparently, if you bury a St. Joseph statue in the yard of the home you're trying to sell (or buy), and say a prayer every day for two weeks, the home will sell faster. Who says spell-casting only belongs to Wiccans?

Sis-in-law, ready to do just about anything to get The Cartel out of her hair, snuck over to The Cartel's house yesterday (while they were at a Christening!) and buried her own little St. Joseph.

Let's help her out- the real prayer is below, but that's super-long, so I think we'll try a shorter one, but if we all say it for her, it'll probably work.

"St. Joseph, hear my prayer..Pimp This House, Y'all!!"

you who taught our Lord
the carpenter's trade,
and saw to it
that he was always properly housed,
hear my earnest plea.
I want you to help me now
as you helped your foster-child Jesus,
and as you have helped many others
in the matter of housing.
I wish to sell this [house/property]
quickly, easily, and profitably
and I implore you to grant my wish
by bringing me a good buyer,
one who is
eager, compliant, and honest,
and by letting nothing impede the
rapid conclusion of the sale.

Dear Saint Joseph,
I know you would do this for me
out of the goodness of your heart
and in your own good time,
but my need is very great now
and so I must make you hurry
on my behalf.
Saint Joseph, I am going to place you
in a difficult position
with your head in darkness
and you will suffer as our Lord suffered,
until this [house/property] is sold.
Then, Saint Joseph, i swear
before the cross and God Almighty,
that i will redeem you
and you will receive my gratitude
and a place of honour in my home.

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