Are You Sure You Want to Invite This Guy Over For Drinks?

Gliese 581D is a planet about 20 light years away in the Libra constellation (groovy, baby!), and is a planet that scientists postulate could possibly support life. Whether it's punch through your stomach and eat your brains life or ET phone home life, well, they just aren't sure.

So why not invite the general population to write messages to whatever may be living on Gliese 581D? HelloFromEarth.net is a site that does just that, switching messages from the public into binary code and will beam them to outerspace, at which time we will shortly become a slave race.

The messages range from the clinically depressed to the totally stoned to the pretty awesome, some of my favorites are below:

When you come here make sure you get a copy of all Britney Spears albums, you're going to love them.
Victor Julio Galicia
Barquisimeto, Venezuela

You are cordially invited to an Interplanetary BBQ. 6.00pm, 4th October, 2452 at my place BYO Meat and Beer. RSVP: Year 2100 Cheers
Daniel Edmonds
Melbourne, Australia

Greetings from the Caribbean! It's warm and great here. Visit and we'll show you a great time, drinks and spicy food! Please bring own towel & sunblock though.
Anthony De Castro
St Joseph, Trinidad and To

Dear aliens, Please disregard those transmissions featuring Hitler. They're from a few years back and nobody really liked him anyway.
Alex
Chicago, United States

Hi-dilly, ho-dilly, neighboreenos!
Ned Flanders
Perth, Australia

Hi hi, my housemate has given up on all males on our planet. If you have half a brain and something to prod her with, she'll be pleased to meet you. Toodles,
D.Darren
Melbourne, Australia

Hello Aliens. Do you have genetalia? I hope so.
Erica
Melbourne, Australia

Hi We kill each other, destroy our own environment and value material objects more than each other. Yours, hoping for a better future,
Claire
Dulwich Hill, Australia

We need help, we are being destroyed by leaders whos only concern is lining their own pockets, assuming you can read english. Greetings
Adam Pronaszko
Borehamwood, Australia

We are destroying our planet, and are too selfish to stop. We need your help. Please come quickly.
Ted Catchpole
Canberra, Australia

Heads up: on our planet, it is considered rude to introduce yourself to new neighbours without offering delicious cake or a hamper of edible goods.
Tegan Lyons
Sydney, Australia

Hello from Earth, please visit. We have cookies.
Chris Hully
Ottawa, Canada

'ssup bros? I'm a libra too. Respect.

MattHobart, Australia

You don't understand any Earth language let alone English so it doesn't matter what I write.
Scoby Watson
Sydney, Australia

Our planet's idea of Miss Universe is thin, dumb blondes. Perhaps you can diversify the pool.
Dorothy
sydney, Australia

Hello there my children, It has been long since my father created you in his image and I died for your sins here on earth. I look forwards to reconnecting.
Jesus Christ
Behind the pearly gates, Australia

If your planet really exists, has the Creator revealed Himself to you? He has to us here on Earth. His Name is Jesus Christ.Trevor HoltBalgownie, Australia

Hello. You may be nearer the angels and God. Please ask them to heal my son Peter and to make his life happy. Kim CupplesKim CupplesYuba City, United States

An Ad Campaign Big Bro Can Really Get Behind

So I have been seeing these ads on buses around town lately, and every time I see one, I think- Did I just see what I thought I saw?

Well, I did... these are created and sponsored by the Indiana Atheist Bus Campaign. These positive Atheism messages started in South Bend May 11th, and have since spread the heathen word to Chicago. Next, THE WORLD!!!!

Actually, I guess the world came first, and the god-fearing US is the last to hop on the...well, the bus.

From the website:

This campaign was created to continue the momentum started by similar successful campaigns in Canada and the United Kingdom. Around Indiana and the rest of the United States, religious advertisements on buses and billboards are very common. Some are as simple as ‘Jesus is Coming,’ while others feature long bible quotes. The discussion fostered in Canada and the UK should be something that is brought to the United States as well, and Indiana is as good of a place as any to start. We want to let everyone know that it’s all right not to believe in a deity, that you do not need to be ’saved,’ and that you can be a good person without religion. We hope that everyone will look at the facts and evidence before making life decisions, including religion.

Considering I have been bombarded by "Jesus is King" and "You're going to hell if you kill your baby" billboards (and barnsides) on the way to BFF's house, I think Indiana is a prime location to start this grass-roots campaign.

I am FASCINATED by this project, particularly with the peaceful, intelligent way it intends to spread the message. Go Team Logic!

Visit the website here.

Bedazzle Your Poop!

I just spent an evening with 75 gay men, so anything I could find regarding flamboyance and flair was bound to get posted.

Lo and behold... I give you, the Gold Pill. Supposedly able to make your "product" shine like a Maui sunset glinting off the ocean, at $429 a pop (or poop?), these pills are designed to "increase your self-worth", according to the product site, Generate Design. I suppose it DOES increase your self-worth to literally crap money... I usually find my self-worth in a box of Dunkins. Food is love, people.

Yes, Please! Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

This direct to video film may be just the vehicle to boost Debbie Gibson's star right back into the limelight! Maybe not Electric Youth limelight, but at least fading star Playboy limelight.

A Mega Shark! That destroys airplanes and the Golden Gate Bridge (that thing is under serious movie-fire lately, wtf?)! A Giant Octopus! That takes out an oil rig! oooohhh.... I see what's going on here. This is going to end up with an environmental message, isn't it.

Lorenzo Lamas, you're poisoning the sea with your hair oil, and the thawed, prehistoric beasties aren't going to take it anymore!

Pre-Order your copy today!

St. Joseph, God's Real Estate Agent

So it turns out the early bird special yesterday was lovely. No mention of my expiring ova by mom, everyone seemed to have a nice time, and it was absolutely BEAUTIFUL outside, which always helps when you're at a restaurant next to a river. Phew!! Now, on to more exciting news.

Sis-in-law's caper went off without a hitch yesterday. Background: Big Bro and Sis-in-law have some of the most annoying neighbors possible, if you can call being connected to a drug cartel "annoying". The shoot-outs and police raids tend to the extreme side of irritation. Frankly, the 4 charming offspring that flip you off as you walk by (plus a 6 month old PLUS a bun in the oven) and the parties until 2 am are more annoying- as these happen much more often.

Anyway, The Cartel (as we'll call them) have been unsuccessfully trying to sell their house for about 3 years now... something about the barking guard dogs and inability to let prospective buyers see the garage is PROBABLY hindering their success.

Sis-in-law, an ex-Catholic, has decided to return to her roots in order to take matters into her own hands. Enter the St. Joseph Statue, Jesus' earthly pappy and patron saint of carpenters. Apparently, if you bury a St. Joseph statue in the yard of the home you're trying to sell (or buy), and say a prayer every day for two weeks, the home will sell faster. Who says spell-casting only belongs to Wiccans?

Sis-in-law, ready to do just about anything to get The Cartel out of her hair, snuck over to The Cartel's house yesterday (while they were at a Christening!) and buried her own little St. Joseph.

Let's help her out- the real prayer is below, but that's super-long, so I think we'll try a shorter one, but if we all say it for her, it'll probably work.

"St. Joseph, hear my prayer..Pimp This House, Y'all!!"

PRAYER TO SAINT JOSEPH FOR SELLING A HOUSE O, Saint Joseph,
you who taught our Lord
the carpenter's trade,
and saw to it
that he was always properly housed,
hear my earnest plea.
I want you to help me now
as you helped your foster-child Jesus,
and as you have helped many others
in the matter of housing.
I wish to sell this [house/property]
quickly, easily, and profitably
and I implore you to grant my wish
by bringing me a good buyer,
one who is
eager, compliant, and honest,
and by letting nothing impede the
rapid conclusion of the sale.

Dear Saint Joseph,
I know you would do this for me
out of the goodness of your heart
and in your own good time,
but my need is very great now
and so I must make you hurry
on my behalf.
Saint Joseph, I am going to place you
in a difficult position
with your head in darkness
and you will suffer as our Lord suffered,
until this [house/property] is sold.
Then, Saint Joseph, i swear
before the cross and God Almighty,
that i will redeem you
and you will receive my gratitude
and a place of honour in my home.
Amen.

Deja Flu

"Dottie had a heart condition, and she DIED."

I don't deny Swine Flu is real, or that it poses a considerable threat. There are conspiracy theorists out there that believe this is a vaccination readiness beta test, or just a full-on hoax, the same people that believe the Y2K scare and Avian Flu were just media conspiracies to frighten the unsuspecting population.

However, the outbreak of viral news about Swine Flu is certainly spreading quicker than the actual virus, which got me thinking... it easier to create a fear of a pandemic because of rapid advancement in public media?

The video above is allegedly real, from all accounts, and from 1976, when an outbreak of Swine Flu caused a mass governmental vaccination, where the vaccination caused more death and medical issues than the actual flu outbreak (1 man died from the flu, 500 people were diagnosed with Guillain-Barre, ending in 25 deaths), according to NPR.

Is the fear of the flu spreading faster than the condition ever will? When news with questionable sources can be broadcast on the internet in seconds, what measures can be taken to urge caution?

The Hidden Messages in Children's Toys. Surprise! They're Liberal!

I'm just waiting for the same woman that is convinced her baby doll is spreading the Islamic word to get her hands on this.

Oh Florida. Do you melt people's brains? Or is it just because everyone that lives there is ancient, and therefore senile?

Thanks Geekologie for the picture!

An Open Letter to the Technological World.

Hello Kittens,

Birv here. I understand that portable technology is a grand thing, and allows us to be in contact at times when we previously haven't been.

We must remember that there are certain times in which being in contact with people is still...taboo.

Do you remember when you lived in a house with a corded phone? Where was the phone located? Was it in the bathroom? It was not, was it?

That's right, there was a time where potty privacy was a deeply held belief. To many, including Birv, the bathroom is still a place where one can go to escape from the techno-saturated world. Some people don't like to have their every bathroom noise broadcast to your pals on the other end of the line, and we certainly don't care if you're going to a job fair, and whether or not Janice wants to go.

The joy of your phone being portable? It is NOT attached to you. You can leave it at your desk. The 2 minutes it takes for you to pee is a time that someone can wait for you to return the call.

Let's have a little Emily Post moment here: just because you CAN bring your phone into the bathroom doesn't mean you SHOULD bring it into the bathroom.

Kisses.

Thanks to Geekologie for the picture, and for (hopefully) understanding the laptop stays outside the potty.

Forget Kevlar. Get a Weave!

While I am beyond impressed at her cavalier attitude towards GETTING SHOT IN THE HEAD, I think my favorite part of this newscast is the segment caption behind the reporter... "unbeWEAVEable!"

Is She...Really? Wait... What?

I have seen enough eye-scorching pictures of Amy Winehouse in the past few months to make me need a guide horse, so maybe I'm not seeing this right... please help me out here. Is...is she peeing? Does she have a penis?? Did she grow one while she's been on vacation? Is her new boy toy there (Joshua Bowman) that desperate to start a film career?

I'm confused, and a little frightened. This was not covered in Where Did I Come From.

Victoria's Secret Models Actually ARE Aliens

Where the F(#K is this lady's belly button?! This is Karolina Kurkova, a model supposedly from the Czech Republic, if by the Czech Republic they mean Star System Beta 9. Apparently they photoshop in a belly button on her Victoria's Secret spreads. There's no question this woman is stunningly beautiful, but what the hell?

I can think of only two explanations:

a) plastic surgery has tummy-tucked her belly button into oblivion.

b) she's an alien that is infiltrating the human race through photo-media, hypnotizing men-folk into a subordinate slave race. Clearly, this is the more likely scenario.

The Bionic Conversion Begins...

If the movies are right (and we all know they are) robots and humans will become one, signalling the destruction of mankind. Here's evidence that the end is near, the Honda HAL. It supposedly stands for "hybrid assistive limb", but I think you know what Honda's real inspiration is... 2001: A Space Odyssey. If these things start calling you DAVE, start hitting them with a baseball bat until you see wires.

The Daily Mail reports that Honda believes that these devices were designed to help factory workers, the old and infirm, but all the pictures are of young and relatively fit people bouncing around on these things, so you know what that means. That's right, bionic army. I can't run from this desk to the bathroom 15 feet away, so I'm getting myself a pair to hybridly assist my limbs in running away from my similarly clad enemies. Apparently they cost about $2200 per week to rent, but the suckers at Honda will have to catch me first! Whee!

A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Polls...

Actually, it happened AT the polls. I broke the touch-screen poll! Excited about my civic duty, I roll in to my polling location at 7 am, and an abnormally chipper polling assistant (I think we'll call her Mitzi) gets me VERY excited about the joys of the new touch-screen voting methods. Mitzi gives me a little hotel-room keycard and points me toward one of two touch-screen booths. I sit down and push my voter card in until it goes "click", just like the directions tell me to. I select English as my primary language, and suddenly the computer spits out my card and tells me to get a polling assistant. Mitzi's busy, but Chet comes over to help me (equally chipper for 7 am) and can't help, so he gets Barb. Barb brings over 4 keycards, and none of them work, the screen is frozen. So I have to use the strange new "Scantron Matching Quiz" paper ballot... which is fine. I just hope that I don't end up on the news tonight for somehow being counted as a double vote. I just said I wanted the touch screen in English! I swear!

I'm worried about the whole touch-screen thing anyway... I somehow feel that both these votes and the early votes will somehow be discounted by the Republicans... why not drag out that old boat again? It's worked twice before. It is a strange testament to American society that individuals can more successfully vote for the next American Idol with more ease and vigor than for our next Commander-In-Chief.

There may be a special "evening" Fonzipan post tonight- either applauding the onset of "the Golden Age" of Obama and the rise of far left politics, or saying my farewell as I begin my quest for Canadian citizenship. Hello socialized healthcare! You're all welcome to visit me and I swear I'll do my best to get you medicine.

Sadly, no Chuck last night. Happily, I DID get to update myself on Gossip Girl, which is always a plus. Those crazy kids on Gossip Girl have me hooked! Chuck Bass denying sex?? Blair doing the right thing?? Jenny Humphrey hosting a guerilla fashion show? Nate macking on a 15 year old? By the way, he's only supposed to be 17, so I don't see why Dan has such a problem with it. Apparently his sluttiness is good enough for BFF Vanessa. Sextacular! Incidentally, kudos to the GG execs for extreme use of eyeliner on Jenny. Nothing shows a tv character's descent into Go Ask Alice territory better than raccoon eyes. You just KNOW she's hanging with the wrong crowd now!

I have to discuss my disgust that tomorrow's Pushing Daisies has been pre-empted by Dancing With the Stars. Apparently, most of America would rather see Cloris Leachman break a hip.

Blog requests! Does that mean I'm popular??

ZOMG... people are telling me stuff to blog about. That makes me feel like I've made it. Or like I'm writing people's essays in high school (They swore they liked me!!!). Just kidding. I never did that.

Anyway... two fab things to post about today:

40 pictures from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, which I have no hesitation in posting, because it serves Warner Brothers right for moving the movie's release back 8 months. It looks like some of my favorite book moments have made it to the screen... though after watching the fifth movie, I am still wondering how people who didn't read the book have ANY clue what's going on. See them all here. Thanks to Adam for letting me know they're there, this livejournal poster, and to iwatchstuff.com!

In science news... Germans have successfully transplanted to real arms onto a farmer that lost his 6 years ago. There are so many jokes about German engineering that I could put in here, I'm not even going to go there. What I will say is that apparently they were running a "buy 2 arms get mustache transplant free" special. Hey-o! Seriously though- this is on one hand (get it?) very cool, and on the other, frightening as hell. Seriously-first it's arm transplants, next it's bionic men and robot apocolypse. Thanks to JAX for pointing the way on this story. I'll be here all week, folks.