The Peccadilloes of Aging Parents, or OMG, We're Early Birds.

May is birthday month for Birv, with no less than 9 people I consider close friends/family aging just a little more. Who knows why people are so intent on gettin' busy in September, but more power to 'em!


Two of said birthdays are my parents; mom's was on the 1st and dad's on the 4th. One would think this would make birthday celebrations filled with one-stop-shop ease. This is not, however, the case.


Mom's martyr-meter was on high ("The only present we want is to see all our kids together!"), so after two weeks of struggling to get three adult children and their various families to all agree on one day, dinner plans at a favorite family establishment were made. AT 4:00 PM IN THE AFTERNOON.

Do people outside of Florida dine this early? Is there some sort of genetic timebomb that goes off once you hit 55 that alters our instincts to eat while it's still light out? All I know is that I have to figure out how I'm going to choke down prime rib and discussions regarding my (rapidly waning) fertility before the sun goes down without the assistance of alcohol.

My current (though admittedly petty) plan is to establish an early, smug sense of superiority over any former high-school classmates that may be manning the valet station. Here's hoping they're still there, for my sake.


I will also be hoping for the assistance of the Shadow Hare and his League of Superfriends, which HAS to include a Chicago-land branch.

BFF lives in Cinci... she should be able to get me the hookup.



UPDATE: According to the World Superhero Registry, while there is a boon of superhero activity in Jackson, Michigan, Chicago is BEREFT of superheroes. This explains a lot, actually. It also has just opened the door on my next career move: The Hazel Hedgehog shall rise!!!!

Little Birthday Wishes!

I love birthdays. I especially love birthdays that fall on Dancing Thursdays. Oh Also Beth... what joy you bring to the Fonzipan world on your birthday!!

In honor of your birthday and your love of the little people... enjoy.

Mini Michael and Also Beth deserve your praise, readers. Shower them with it!

BIRV LOVES BIRTHDAYS!!!

Happy Birthday to my oldest friend (not by age, but by number of years knowing you), KT. In honor of our 27 (!) years of knowing each other... I wanted to post a video from our past that haunts me.

It's also the reason that to this day, I can only count to 12.

Paul Rudd Hates Asian Cops. And Hoodlums. And Divers. And Robots...

Sometimes you find the best things in the oddest places. Who would have thought I would have found an early birthday present for KT while spending time in Cincinnati?? I was too excited about sharing this to wait until I came back to post it. The world needs... a disturbingly blonde Paul Rudd kicking some robot tail.

IMDB lists this film with about 7 different titles, but my personal favorite is Jackie Chan presents: Metal Mayhem... particularly because Jackie Chan makes no appearance whatsoever. Perhaps he was in the first one (this is a sequel, after all). Don't ask me why Paul Rudd felt it was a good career move to do a sci-fi/lung-fu crossbreed, he seems to have had steady work.

Happy early birthday, KT, and know that this comes from a place of love.

It Is Your Birthday.

The birthday punches are flying for Mr. Artiste, husband of loyal reader Mrs. Artiste. In honor of last night's manly festivities, I supply you with Old Timey Star Wars.

Happy Slappy Birthday, and I hope I didn't make an ass of myself at your party. whee!

PS- I need to come up with better blog names for you. suggestions?

100th Blog Post!!!!

We'll stand on a little ceremony here at Fonzipan. Woo!!!! To celebrate, I'm pushing on and keeping it business as usual. On with the posts!!!

Gossip Girl: TOTALLY redeemed itself last night! The show is always at its best when the high school leads act more adult than the parents... last night was no exception. Deliciously evil (and frankly, just delicious) Uncle Jack undermining Chuck Bass and apparently sleeping with underage girls, Lily and Rufus sneaking off to Boston to find the son they gave up for adoption and falling into bed, the sweet, sweet lie the adoptive parents told about the secret Humphrey "Andrew" being deadsky. I'm so proud of the writers... letting the sheer ridiculousness of a CW network teen-show shine through. Let that freak flag fly, my friends!!! I'm so excited to see how this all unfolds, and I am PRAYING that Uncle Jack sticks around. He rules.

Amy Winehouse!! Proving once and for all why you should never get a tattoo with words, particularly if that word is your soon-to-be ex-husband's name on your boob. Awkward!! Blake has reportedly filed for divorce, citing infidelity, something he discovered by picking up any newspaper in England. That has to burn. You're in prison, and you see your crazy stick insect cuddling up to a man-whore on the front page of the Daily Mail? Bummer. The infidelity may or may not be true. I'm not sure (media whore) legitimate actor Josh Bowman is ACTUALLY dipping the wick. At least, I hope not... that boy will come up with more diseases than a petri dish. Still, Amy, if no one else, is still living it up in St. Lucia. News of the World reports:

“It’s like I’ve stepped onto a new planet and nothing can harm me here,” she
tells me. “At home I seem to get in with the wrong people and just get myself in
trouble.
“Yes I’ve been getting p***ed here but, compared to the states I
get into back in London, this is the best behaved I’ve been in years. ... Before
I got here I was just like a zombie most days. But here I’ve got new zest for
life as I’m off the drugs. ... All I’ve done is read books, sunbathe and drink
cocktails. But it’s made me feel like concentrating on my career again."
"Most nights I’ve done a few songs on the piano for a laugh but I’m starting
to think about recording again. I want to capture how happy I am right now in
some new songs.”

Spending time with Amy is like coping with a hyperactive
child. She never sits still and rabbits on, hardly stopping to draw breath.

One guest called Linda from Sheffield told us: “I’ve been here two weeks and
every day I pray she’s gone home.
"But then you see her crawling out of her
room looking a total mess and think, ‘Here we go again.’ She’s just allowed to
run riot.
“She dresses like a cross between a tramp and a prostitute and
I’ve never once seen her wear any shoes for dinner.
“She’s just out of
control. Our peaceful break has been ruined by her.
“Every night we go to
the piano bar and the professional player can’t entertain us because Amy’s taken
over.
“And she can’t even play. She just jabs at odd notes and is usually so
drunk she can barely hold a note. If I have to listen to her do Puppy
Love again I think I’ll kill her.
“The first day I thought it was quite
exciting having a celebrity there—but believe me, the novelty soon wears off. I
can’t for a minute understand what that handsome well-spoken boy is doing with
her.”

The Best Gifts Don't Cost a Thing.

Just ask Katie Holmes, who got to spend her 30th birthday blissfully Tom Cruise-free. Does it look to anyone else like Tom Cruise has been sucking the life force out of her to preserve his tiny body? "MUST EAT BRAAAAAAINS!!"

That's One Way to Prevent Bullies...I suppose

Here's a story from Yahoo News to warm your heart for the holidays:

A US bakery has refused to decorate a three-year-old's birthday cake with his name - Adolf Hitler Campbell.

The trouble, the New Jersey shop said, was that it was "inappropriate" to put such a name on the cake.
But the little boy's father, Heath Campbell, said it was unfair of ShopRite supermarket to turn down his request.
Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name".

Referring to the baker's decision, he said: "They need to accept a name. A name's a name.
"The kid isn't going to grow up and do what Hitler did."
But the problem does not stop there.
The shop has also refused to make a cake for Mr Campbell's second child, who turns two next February.
Her name is JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell.
Heath and Deborah Campbell's third child will probably not get a cake from that shop either.
The eight-month-old baby has been named Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, apparently a reference to one of the Nazi's most monstrous leaders, SS head Heinrich Himmler.
For the time being, the matter has been settled - the Campbells had their cake made by Wal-Mart.

Charming! Nothing like using your innocent children to further your own hateful agenda.

Birthday Punches, all around!

In honor of Big Brother's birthday today, he gets his own post! Thanks for building my character through indian burns, dangling loogies and wet willies.

Many happy returns! In honor of your birthday, please enjoy this scuba diving cat.
Thanks to Brian for filling our day with a little bit of weird by sending this out!

Happy Slappy Birthday!!

It is my dear sister-in-law's birthday, and in honor of her next career move, I have assembled a collection of mascots, including one from my own alma mater...the Gorlok. No, I don't know what it is, either.

While mascots frighten the hell out of me, she wants to be one for some reason. As a testament to how much I like the sis-in-law, I have decided to suck it up and face my fear. GMI... this is for you.

(By the way, I have totally stolen these pictures from all over the web. Don't sue me!)