TOTALLY TOLD YOU SO.

You didn't think I'd let this pass us by, did you? This is the poster for Joaquin Phoenix's new "documentary" about his "lost year". I'm using "a lot of quotes" to show how little I believe that this was done for anything but an "experiment" in the lives of two bored actors. You know how those creative types get. Your fakery surprises no one!

According to Just Jared, the movie is coming out September 10... though with Casey Affleck's totally random sexual harrassment charges, could this be delayed? Only time will tell.

Twilight Has Officially Taken Over the World.

No, I'm not joking. Here's the website. Truthfully, I can't think of what would be worse than to be trapped on a boat with a bunch of Twi-hards and an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. ("Since we humans still enjoy eating, the chefs will be working around the clock preparing your favorite foods and this is included in your cruise fare! So is 24 hour room service!")

Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, be prepared to be inundated with questions about Robert Pattinson... that's pretty much going to be what takes up the 8 days that you will be huddled in your room with no exit and a screaming horde of Tiger Beaters that seem unable to type in anything but exclamation points:

"Wait Till You See Where You Will Be Going!!Your Alaskan Explorer cruise begins in Seattle. (Yikes! Hopefully there won't be any "newborns" there)! We sail from Seattle to Glacier Bay - one of Alaska's most beautiful glacier regions where you can watch Glaciers "calve" in front of your very eyes... totally awesome!"

Via con Dios, kids. I'll be happy to watch my dvd in my living room with no lights on and the sound really low so no one can tell I'm watching it for the fortieth time.

Reality TV Is Taking a Disturbing Turn.

It all started with the seemingly required proposal on The Bachelor. At least those girls got a chance to say no. This summer season of reality tv shows has me asking what the deal is with the onslaught of disturbing "throw-away marriage" reality shows? We have Hitched or Ditched on The CW, where long-term couples in a rut wait until they are on the altar to either get... you know... hitched or (wait for it) ditched.

I have also recently found an application page for a new show called Arranged Marriage, where, according to the website, "four people will ask their closest loved ones - whether family or friends - to team up and choose a spouse for them." I can't tell if this is the same show as the one that Variety reports Fox picking up I Married a Stranger! (leave it to Fox to get the most inflammatory name possible). I've been on a few blind dates set up by friends and family before, every single time, I have called the offending matchmaker of the moment with the question, "Really? Is this what you think of me?" Then I end up at home with a dozen donuts and a Jane Austen movie.

Is it so wrong to be a certain age and NOT be married? What is the requirement in this world to be legally bound to someone, damn the emotional cost? Why are we so attention-hungry to air our lonely dirty laundry in front of the world?

Also on the subject of Tacky Americans, looking for a header picture led me to some of the most misogynistic cake toppers I've ever seen. Really, ladies? Are you proud of yourselves? Here are my favorites:

The Roper. Yeehaw, cowboy. Or are you an old timey funeral director?

The Clothesliner. How DARE you run away?

The Dragger. I especially like the fingernail scratch detail in this one.

Reelin' him in. This also looks vaguely sexually inappropriate.

The classic... Shotgun Wedding! Where's that girl's pappy?? Also, Miscaketops has "The Dragger" in a variety of costumes, from fishing gear to military fatigues. Classy...

The Humper. Did I call that other one sexually inappropriate? All that's missing here is the bathroom stall.

A slightly more aggressive "Dragger"... those wily grooms can wriggle out of clothes. Get him by a body part, and there's no chance of running. Perhaps she's taking him to be hobbled?

The Johnny Come Lately. The decorator gave that bride attitude. Fo' shizzle.

Inevitability Just Smacked You In the Face.

It's a parody, y'all!!! But let's be honest... they are starting to run out of beloved memories for the 25-32 target demographic, especially boy toys.

The Smurfs are getting a movie, I'm hoping it's only a matter of time before Rainbow Brite sees some action. (Just think of the gay following you could have!!)

This was sort of entertaining... though frankly, it could have been funnier. Still worth a watch, if you played with My Little Ponies.

Miss USA: Spreading Right-Wing Messages of Hate Since 1952

There's nothing like using a forum for public entertainment to spread your message of intolerance. Little girls everywhere learned yet another reason why pageants are instruments of evil last night when Miss California emphatically described how marriage is defined in her family and, apparently, HER country. Guess we know ONE family who voted for Prop 8.

Careful honey- you just got a hit put out on you by the Velvet Mafia. Bad idea for a beauty queen.

That's a Weirdly Specific Job.

Remember how I was all upset about House and what will heretofore be known as "That Stupid Suicide Episode" yesterday? No? Let me recap.

Fox touted Monday's show as "the one episode that comes along every season that BLOWS YOUR MIND." I hate when networks advertise like this. Do people really fall for it? It's as bad as when every single Law & Order was "RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES".

So anyway, one of the new doctors randomly shot himself. At the end of the episode there was a Public Service Announcement type message "if you are considering suicide, call this number", which is frankly, completely un-House. It could only have been made worse if they made Hugh Laurie narrate it. Actually, I hope they asked and he told them to pound sand.

Making it even worse... the House website has an honest to god memorial to the character. Not the actor, the character. Obviously, House watchers are drooling simpletons that can't distinguish between reality and television.

Way to go, Fox. It's situations like this that cause fairy godmothers to curse children.

ANYWAY...apparently there was a need to get Kumar off the show rather sharpish, because he's joining the Obama Administration. NPR reports:

Actor Kal Penn has been named to an Obama administration liaison post that connects the Executive Branch to people in the entertainment industry and Asian-Pacific groups. Penn is best known for his portrayal of Kumar in the stoner films Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle and Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. He was most recently in the Fox TV drama House.

So I guess kudos to him... because clearly, this is a man that should hold office.

Taking the Metaphors Too Far: Questionable Razor Ads

Ummm...

Paul Rudd Hates Asian Cops. And Hoodlums. And Divers. And Robots...

Sometimes you find the best things in the oddest places. Who would have thought I would have found an early birthday present for KT while spending time in Cincinnati?? I was too excited about sharing this to wait until I came back to post it. The world needs... a disturbingly blonde Paul Rudd kicking some robot tail.

IMDB lists this film with about 7 different titles, but my personal favorite is Jackie Chan presents: Metal Mayhem... particularly because Jackie Chan makes no appearance whatsoever. Perhaps he was in the first one (this is a sequel, after all). Don't ask me why Paul Rudd felt it was a good career move to do a sci-fi/lung-fu crossbreed, he seems to have had steady work.

Happy early birthday, KT, and know that this comes from a place of love.

Rick Astley Writing a Musical, Apparently Not About Being an Interwebs Sensation.

Apparently, being married to a movie producer qualifies you as a successful screenwriter. Or at the very least guarantees you a greenlight.

The Guardian reports:

"My wife's now a movie producer so I read a lot of scripts and I'm really
passionate about films," Astley said in a recent interview. "One day I thought,
'Well, why don't I write one?' And it turned into a musical – but not for the
stage."

New York Cowboy (sounds oddly familiar) is about a small-town boy who moves to New York City in the 80's. Sounds pretty dull, so I'm hoping that halfway through the movie the audience hears those familiar dulcet tones... never gonna give you up... never gonna let you down...

Disturbing Celebrity Trend

I hate to think that I agree with Ashlee Simpson on ANYTHING. I mean it- if she said that we needed oxygen to survive, I'd try to think of a way to dispute it. However, I do grudgingly agree with what she said on her blog to support Jessica Simpson during the weight gain scandal of 2009:

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A
week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our
country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read
about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.All women come in
different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there
shouldn't be a different standard.Is this something you would say to your wife,
daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend?I seriously doubt it.How can we
expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we
criticize a size 2 figure?Now can we focus on the things that really
matter.

Well played, Milli Vanilli. I almost felt a kernel of respect for you... then I think of how you tried to trap the biggest douchebag to ever leave the midwest by pregnancy. Off it goes!

After further reading on The Superficial (love me!), I am beginning to question the new celebrity trend of using the recent inauguration to slam the morality of newsites and ragmags: Jessica Alba did the same thing on HER blog:

Hey Guys,Jay_eh here. I wanted to share with everyone in the ibeatyou and
MySpace communities my experiences at the inauguration last week, so I put
together a little video.Before I get to the video, I want to clear some things up that have been bothering me lately. I find it depressing that in the midst of perhaps the most salient time in our country's history, individuals are taking it upon themselves to encourage negativity and stupidity. Last week, Mr. Bill O'Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country.
I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are
inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people...it's so sad to me
that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland. Check out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweden_during_World_War_II if you want to see what I was referring to. I appreciate the name calling and the accurate reporting. Keep it up!!Now on to more important things...like our new President.

You're right. There ARE more important things going on in the world than whether or not you sounded like a complete moron by saying the correct but obscure "Sweden" instead of the pedestrian "Switzerland" cliche when discussing neutrality. Congratulations... you're a wealth of arcane knowledge of WWII political allegiance. However, let's get one thing straight. You are NOT a part of the vast expanse of important historic geopolitical events in the world.

Reality check, you vapid little wastelings- the insignificant details about your life (i.e. your weight, your nose jobs and your utter stupidity) are the only reasons you will ever BE newsworthy. No one respects your opinions because of your exceptional work in such weighty
films as The Love Guru and Good Luck Chuck, Alba. Let's not get the impression that just because you voted for Obama you're camped out on a moral high ground. You weren't the only one.

Be glad that someone finds you even remotely interesting enough to give you work, keep your mouths shut, and be thankful for the opportunity.

Well... Paul Blart: Mall Cop IS the # 1 Movie...

So I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised that Howie Do It's audience appears to be filmed in front of THOUSANDS of uproariously laughing people. Seriously, it's like they sold out the United Center.

Here's the deal. I watched, understood, didn't laugh and turned off Howie Do It in about 5 minutes last night. Trust me, the promo commercials are more than enough time to devote to this show.

The show tries to make it plain that this isn't your Deal Or No Deal, audience-friendly, "I'm a germophobe" Howie Mandel. Oh no. This is a gritty, PG-13, FRIDAY NIGHT Howie Mandel. Apparently, the pranks are shown on a giant screen between Blue Man Group-style, drum-heavy rock instrumentals and Howie Mandel's... erm...stand up act. The joke I heard was riffed off of what is clearly an audience plant: "Do you try out these pranks on your family?" "No, my wife is the prankster in our family. She told me told me two of our children were mine." guffaw.

With comedy gold like that, it's unsurprising that Howie makes several title references: "take a look and see us show Dez ...howie do it". BA-ZZZING! We have a title.

The prank I watched was a wife bringing her unsuspecting husband Dez (that truthfully seemed like he was totally in on the act) to be taped on a daytime talk show, and is lead to believe his marriage is on the rocks. The whole audience is filled with ACTORS! Apparently they could only find about 8 actors to take the audience gig... the whole thing looks like it was filmed in my neighbor's garage. If that didn't tip hubby off, you would think his snickering wife would. So basically they lead this guy on for about 2 minutes that his wife thinks he's a controlling ass, because he jokes about her missing curfew, and reads her emails (actually does kind of sound controlling to me, but whatever). Then they let him in on it; "I have to tell you, you're on Howie Do It". Somehow, he knows what this show is, even though it's on it's first season, and gives the appropriate "OMG you got me" face. IT'S FUNNY!! BAHODEYDODEYDO! Crowd filmed laughing. Rocking back and forth in their seats laughing. I am stony-faced.


Before I shut off the show to watch Ghost Whisperer (really, my standards for entertainment aren't that high...so believe that Howie Do It sucks big donkey balls), they show a "coming up next on Howie Do It" preview of the next prank, that shows an unsuspecting amusement park visitor being led through a new ride by a poorly disguised Howie Mandel. That's him in the picture above. I know you're shocked: but really, it's Howie Mandel.

Anyway, the "ride" appears to consist of a cup of water being poured on the guy and Incognito Howie and another dude take him by the arms and spin him around. I mean, really? Who DOESN'T see through this? On that topic, who doesn't recognize Howie Mandel, just because he's wearing a wig? This whole show reminds me of the Arrested Development episode when George Michael keeps prank calling his dad.

I think I'm going to have to boycott the "fist bump" due to this show.

If you think I'm lying about how gaggingly abominable this show is, take a look here.

New TV! Wait... No. It's Just Like Everything Else.

I now have a crime procedural for every day of the week. That's...exciting. However, I love Tim Roth, have since Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (check it out- made of awesome), and so I felt obligated to give Lie to Me a try.

Lie to Me, Fox's new hour long crime drama based on a real dude (Dr. Paul Ekman), focuses on a crack team of "lie experts" that review body language to expose lies in criminal investigations.

It's mildly interesting, and I guarantee you everyone that watches this show will be testing out their brand new body language reading skills on their pals. The show is fairly unoriginal- senatorial sex scandals and teachers sleeping with students. However, last night was just the pilot, and I like to give new shows a few weeks to get their footing, so I'll continue to watch for the time being. It's just unfortunate that network tv is so in love with formulaic crime dramas and "average Joe" competitions... after a while they all run together. Lie to Me is no exception.

Loyal Blog Reader Also Beth asked me to review Howie Do It... that new Howie Mandel show, now that Deal or No Deal has blessedly gone to that great syndicated spot in the sky. I have to admit I haven't yet watched it, as I am completely perplexed by candid camera shows. Why are people so gullible? Who would think that someone would ACTUALLY send a singing telegram to a funeral? Why is the laugh track so painful? Why does Howie Do It have such a stupid title? Also Beth is as perplexed as I, and as a dutiful TV loser, I fully intend to watch and report. As soon as I figure out when it's on. Knowing America, it'll soon be on 5 nights a week and twice on Tuesdays, particularly if there is a monetary prize to be had. Stay tuned, Also Beth. Stay tuned. All will be explained.

Madonna's Zombie Gooch Has Burned My Retinas.

Frankly, I'm just plain frightened now. (But not enough to keep me from posting a triple hat! Boo-Yeah!) Warning- the picture below is INCREDIBLY scary if you click on the high-res.

Thanks to The Superficial for keeping me awake at night.

Joaquin Phoenix Is Totally Faking It.

We have a runner up to the Winehouse Watch- the Phoenix Post. Catchy, eh? I love me some alliteration!

I know Joaquin Phoenix's hobo rap is a few days old, but you know, I'll post when I darn well feel like it.

Personally, I think Phoenix's crazy heroin addict downward spiral is a ruse of some sort... he is being followed around by his brother-in-law Casey Affleck for a "documentary" during his "retirement", and I have to think that this is all leading up to something, especially considering he keeps showing up at publicity functions... AND THEY KEEP LETTING HIM IN. Plus, if you were is brother-in-law, wouldn't you stage an intervention, rather than recording his antics for posterity? I mean, Casey Affleck has kids with Phoenix's sister.

So my theory: either Joaquin Phoenix is completely faking it, or this guy will eventually explode in a flurry of beard hair and old shoes. Either way, Birv is on the case.

Drunken rapping and JP taking a header below. Fall occurs around 2:01. I love watching the sycophants cheering this dude's apparent insanity.

I am BORED TO TEARS and Don't Have Anything Blogworthy.

Even Craiglist is boring today. I did however, want to note the irony of this free item.

Harry Potter: Chamber of Secrets book + Original Movie Poster (Buffalo Grove)

Reply to: mailto:sale-983209776@craigslist.org?subject=Harry%20Potter:%20Chamber%20of%20Secrets%20book%20+%20Original%20Movie%20Poster%20(Buffalo%20Grove) [?]Date: 2009-01-06, 9:13PM CST

Have to promote reading, so here is a FREE harry potter book "and the Chamber of Secrets" by J.K. Rowling. I never read it, was more of a Lord of the Rings guy. Also have the actual original movie poster from the first book. Both are yours to pick up whenever, just email me with a time.
Location: Buffalo Grove
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 983209776

Oscar-worthy You Are NOT.

I usually regard winter as the "Classy Movie" season, and I know I'm hardly the only one. We have all sorts of Oscar-bait floating around, Slumdog Millionaire, Rachel At the Wedding, Reservation Road, Doubt... films to make you think, films you can go see and make you seem totally smart when you talk about them at work the next day.

Then I go to IMDB.com, and see a group of trailers for the most ridiculous sounding movies I have ever heard. Seriously- I watch a lot of stupid crap, but these sound so... SO dumb. I've included the synopses below... I want to believe that you can blame how mind-numbingly stupid these movies sound on the complexity of trying to explain a movie in a few sentences, but sadly, I don't think so.

I Love You, Man: Friendless Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd) goes on a series of man-dates to find a Best Man for his wedding. But when his insta-bond his new B.F.F.(Jason Segel) puts a strain on his relationship with his fiancée (Rashida Jones) can the trio learn to live happily ever after?

The Ugly Truth: A macho morning TV show correspondent (Gerard Butler) makes a bet with his romantically challenged producer (Katherine Heigl): If his tips on how to land and keep a guy don't work, he'll quit the business.

The Proposal: A pushy boss (Sandra Bullock) forces her young assistant (Ryan Reynolds) to marry her in order to keep her Visa status in the U.S. and avoid deportation to Canada.