More To Love: A Big Girl's Look at the Fat People Bachelor

While I got sucked in by the British Bachelor (that accent!), I've never been a huge fan of dating shows. My tastes in the reality genre tend to the dance and cooking competitions (Hell's Kitchen! FTW!) Despite my usual disdain for the genre, I was pumped for Fox's premiere of it's new "Bachelor for Big Folks", More To Love. I watched this show last night determined to discover exactly why I despised it. Full disclosure: I am shamefully, sheepishly hooked.

Perhaps my enjoyment of the show stems from the fact that I find it refreshing that there's a reality show about plus size people that is not a weight loss competition, but I found myself enjoying More To Love.

There's an air of tastefulness to the show... well, as much tastefulness as a reality dating show can muster. I am consistently amazed at the lengths people will go to in order to get on tv; 20 women attempt to generate enough lusty feelings for one man to have them spouting such vapidity as "I could really marry this man!" after about one hour in his presence. Are you really that desperate for love? Or desperate for the innate approval that comes from the attention you derive as a reality tv star? (I think it's the second one!)

There is definitely a train wreckiness to the show: height and weight are listed for each woman (and Luke, our schlubby bachelor) along with age and career. In the same breath with which I was damning the producers for exploiting these poor women, I also found myself comparing my own stats to theirs. (Brilliant marketing tool? I THINK YES!) There was the typical "shameless attention grab" in which one of the girls artlessly jumped in the pool fully clothed, as well as two sleaze-out "gimme a kiss" seduction moments (one such attempt mounted while Luke had another girl sitting next to him on the couch. AWKWARD). Finally, previews for future episodes feature plenty of hefty hanky-panky scenes, as well as what looks to be a fairly delicious girl-fight, complete with battery by floral arrangement. Count me in!

What I appreciate about the show is the candid nature with which the girls speak and behave. While some viewers were undoubtedtly turned off by the admittedly obvious pity editing, watching these girls support each other on body image (bonding over mutual enjoyment of Spanx!), throw up the armor in the face of rejection, and light up when given diamond rings- this show's "rose ceremony" trinket- only to appear so dejected when told they had to give them back for the ceremony (indian giver!!) hits a little TOO close to home for this single, zaftig blogger.

This show is NOT revolutionizing the world view on body image. But it is a show enjoyable, at least in its premiere, for it's mindful portrayal of the "average" American.

The Peccadilloes of Aging Parents, or OMG, We're Early Birds.

May is birthday month for Birv, with no less than 9 people I consider close friends/family aging just a little more. Who knows why people are so intent on gettin' busy in September, but more power to 'em!


Two of said birthdays are my parents; mom's was on the 1st and dad's on the 4th. One would think this would make birthday celebrations filled with one-stop-shop ease. This is not, however, the case.


Mom's martyr-meter was on high ("The only present we want is to see all our kids together!"), so after two weeks of struggling to get three adult children and their various families to all agree on one day, dinner plans at a favorite family establishment were made. AT 4:00 PM IN THE AFTERNOON.

Do people outside of Florida dine this early? Is there some sort of genetic timebomb that goes off once you hit 55 that alters our instincts to eat while it's still light out? All I know is that I have to figure out how I'm going to choke down prime rib and discussions regarding my (rapidly waning) fertility before the sun goes down without the assistance of alcohol.

My current (though admittedly petty) plan is to establish an early, smug sense of superiority over any former high-school classmates that may be manning the valet station. Here's hoping they're still there, for my sake.


I will also be hoping for the assistance of the Shadow Hare and his League of Superfriends, which HAS to include a Chicago-land branch.

BFF lives in Cinci... she should be able to get me the hookup.



UPDATE: According to the World Superhero Registry, while there is a boon of superhero activity in Jackson, Michigan, Chicago is BEREFT of superheroes. This explains a lot, actually. It also has just opened the door on my next career move: The Hazel Hedgehog shall rise!!!!

I Am Clearly Not Taking The Art of Embroidery To Its Full Potential.

This is a series of embroidered handkerchiefs based on Craigslist Ads. I am posting them for obvious reasons.

See the rest of the series, plus some other examples here. Added extra special bonus kerchief... Marzipan reference. Holler! (I'm still totally right. Fondant covers cakes, Marzipan makes the little decorations.)

That's One Way to Prevent Bullies...I suppose

Here's a story from Yahoo News to warm your heart for the holidays:

A US bakery has refused to decorate a three-year-old's birthday cake with his name - Adolf Hitler Campbell.

The trouble, the New Jersey shop said, was that it was "inappropriate" to put such a name on the cake.
But the little boy's father, Heath Campbell, said it was unfair of ShopRite supermarket to turn down his request.
Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name".

Referring to the baker's decision, he said: "They need to accept a name. A name's a name.
"The kid isn't going to grow up and do what Hitler did."
But the problem does not stop there.
The shop has also refused to make a cake for Mr Campbell's second child, who turns two next February.
Her name is JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell.
Heath and Deborah Campbell's third child will probably not get a cake from that shop either.
The eight-month-old baby has been named Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, apparently a reference to one of the Nazi's most monstrous leaders, SS head Heinrich Himmler.
For the time being, the matter has been settled - the Campbells had their cake made by Wal-Mart.

Charming! Nothing like using your innocent children to further your own hateful agenda.

Birthday Punches, all around!

In honor of Big Brother's birthday today, he gets his own post! Thanks for building my character through indian burns, dangling loogies and wet willies.

Many happy returns! In honor of your birthday, please enjoy this scuba diving cat.
Thanks to Brian for filling our day with a little bit of weird by sending this out!

look ma, I'm blogging!

So by popular demand (three people said they thought I was funny- more than enough for me), I have started a blog! I am actually excited by the notion that people care what I think. Frankly, I am even more excited about the fact that three whole people thought I was funny.

So my very first blog will discuss the name of said blog: Fonzipan. While I certainly adopt the way of the Fonz... the name comes from what is now known as The Great Cake Debate of 2008. I love rhymes!

The Great Cake Debate of 2008 (or TGCD08, if you ARE into the whole brevity thing) is a war between big brother and myself over what the name of the crap-tasting stuff that covers cake is... fondant or marzipan. (A word to the wise, never get drunk and pass a bakery on the way to see Mamma Mia.) I am totally right, and I am about to prove it.

Fondant:

noun
1.
a thick, creamy sugar paste, the basis of many candies.
2.
a candy made of this paste.

Marzipan:

noun
a confection made of almonds reduced to a paste with sugar and often molded into various forms, usually diminutive fruits and vegetables. (or SCARY diminuitive babies! ahh!)

OK- maybe they're kind of the same thing. Except when you google fondant, you get all sorts of pictures of hella cakes, and not scary edible babies.

On a final note, I totally want to say that I am freaked out about the end of the world. The Associated Press published an article today that (mad) scientists in Geneva, Switzerland have reproduced a "Big Bang" using a Large Hadron Collider. I read the article and didn't understand a whole lot of that science-y stuff, except that they took really big particles and made them go boom. Below, the quotes that have me currently typing this from under my desk:

"Champagne corks popped in labs as far away as Chicago, where contributing and competing scientists watched the proceedings by satellite.

'Well done, everybody,' said Robert Aymar, director-general of the European Organization for Nuclear Research, to cheers from the assembled scientists in the collider's control room at the Swiss-French border."

Well hoo-dee-doo, crazy scientists. We all won't be clapping for you when you explode the world. Have a great, sunshiney day, everyone!