You Look Stupid: Why You Never Ask for a Tattoo On Your Face.

This is 18 year old Belgian, Kimberley Vlaminck. Kimberley claims she asked for 3 stars on her face, by her eye... which is foolish enough ("Granny? What are those green droopy things on your face?"). This is what she got instead.

According to the Daily Mail, she's trying to sue the tattoo artist, stating that he didn't understand her in English or French:

'I think he didn’t understand what I wanted. He spoke only fractured English and French.
'But I explicitly said in my native tongue, French, and also in a little bit of English when he looked confused, that I wanted three little stars only near my left eye.'

This is key area number one. If someone who's about to needle ink permanently under your skin ever looks confused, stop. Stop right there and draw a picture.

Key area number two:

She claims she fell asleep while he was doing his work... and awoke to 'this nightmare'.
'It is terrible for me,' said Kimberley. 'I cannot go out on to the street, I am so embarrassed. I just look horrible.'

You're a shitty liar, Kimberley. Anyone in the world who's ever had a tattoo will tell you that you aren't asleep... ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE GETTING A NEEDLE STUCK REPEATEDLY IN YOUR FACE. If you did fall asleep, you shouldn't have eaten that Space Cake.

The tattoo artist basically called her out on her shenanigans, saying she was awake for the whole thing and looked in the mirror several times. Sounds like SOMEONE got busted by her parents for being a moron.

Well, If You Can Trick Out Your Wedding Cake...

I don't really think of mortality all that often. However, perhaps it's due to yet another gray day, perhaps it's because I'm hitting a milestone birthday, hey- maybe it's even because Murray kicked it on my desk the other day. Meh...maybe it's just because I found these two websites and thought they were absurd.

At any rate, I think it's time to discuss how we want our remains handled once we shuffle off this mortal coil. Last thing I want is to be flushed down the toilet, Murray-style.

I have stumbled upon a few new options, namely the Star Trek line by Eternal Images. That's the urn up there... pretty sleek. However, if you look closely, you can see the reflection of someone's suburban house in the ball... is Trekkie Uncle Alfred now lawn art? Eternal Images ALSO has Precious Moments (gag) and MLB themed products. Well, why be generic?

Here's the casket... pretty fit for being shot into the final frontier, a la Captain Kirk. (Die with your boots on!)

However, if you're looking to be slightly more functional, you could always become a LifeGem (because love lives on)... a "certified, high-quality diamond created from the carbon of the one you love". I'm not sure how I feel about this idea... on one hand, hooray! I'm sparkly! On the other... WTF?!

Take a look at the website, I find it a completely morbid hoot... especially the sepia-toned "happy family" pictures used in the ads... especially the Dad-With-Son-On-Shoulders. Who the heck is supposed to be the dead one in this scenario? You can also make your pet into a LifeGem (because love lives on) if you so desire. This is definitely a step above one of my co-workers, who had her cat stuffed and, I shit you not, BROUGHT IT TO WORK.

I wonder if Murray could have been a LifeGem if I hadn't had him flushed down the toilet.

How would you like to be laid to rest? I have to say I'm thinking pajamas and a Snuggie... Dunkin Donut in one hand and a Harry Potter book in the other.