Bully Target.

Is Martha Stewart running out of ideas or something?  I have this mental image of Martha, finally out of ideas for Good Things after all these years, huddled into the corner of her root cellar, rocking back and forth amidst hundreds of jars of hand-crafted preserves and carefully, beautifully tied bundles of dried herbs from her own garden, weeping softly, praying to the crafty gods for ONE MORE IDEA.



And then they give her this.

You know why this little girl looks so unhappy?  Because Martha Stewart pinned a stupid penny to her sweet-ass corduroy jacket.

Who the hell would make this for their kid?? This isn't a clever craft!

Normally, I look at Martha Stewart crafts like this....

...and say "Wow... that looks like she bought that. Mine would look like I cut off a cow's tail and strapped it around my middle."  Then I feel all shitty about myself and my crafting ability and go make a picture with Elmer's Glue and an assload of glitter.  (The more glitter you use, the less shame you feel!!)


But that penny ribbon pin? WTF?  Thanks for leveling the playing field, Martha. If you need me, I'll be bedazzling Darth Vader's head on a t-shirt.

AHEM.

School Time

We (meaning me) like to educate here at Fonzipan. Knowledge is power.  So this post goes out to Big Bro and Sissy.

Furries:

Furbies:

Once more.

Furries:

Furbies:

This is why I'm afraid of mascots.  ALSO... why I refuse to rent costumes.

I AM NOT YOUR MONKEY!!!

Here is a picture of Kennedy, wearing part of Big Bro's costume last night. She looks so pissed!!!!

Reason #4278 Why Our Family Shouldn't Have Children... Sissy, you may consider living things your own personal dolls, but I couldn't call Child Services on you- this is way too funny to me.

I hope everyone has some great Halloween plans this weekend, and if there are any pictures I deem attractive enough, I will happily post some of me as a gnome. I just found out Big Bro is a fairy and Sissy is Peter Pan, so apparently we'll have some gender-queer fairyland going on tomorrow.

Happy Halloween, and may you never cross paths with this terrifying creature.

Go Incognito, Itchy

Oh Etsy, you never cease to amaze me with your world of weirdness. This is probably one of the funniest knitted things I have ever seen. It looks oddly comforting, though I would probably break out in a hideous rash.

What do you say we all get one, and then start a posse? We could become Dr. Suess-like outlaws.

Buy your's here, in a variety of colors.

It's Coming Up On That Time Again...

Some people volunteer, some people craft, I watch TV. I also (unsurprisingly) live alone, which means I have sole control over my remote. So, like last year, as the fall season approaches, I have made my absurdly detailed chart of new and returning shows. Since I'm an ego-maniac, I figured that OF COURSE you would all like to see it too. Since I refuse to get cable, these are all network shows. (Next year's Alan Ball/HBO collaboration The Miraculous Year could reverse my views on paying through the nose for cable in a heartbeat. My boyfriend Lee Pace is in it, so, YES.)

Of course, the midseason replacements will screw this whole schedule up. Until then, here are my 100 words or less, totally subjective reasons for watching.

The new shows are highlighted in green (except for Chuck. Apparently I'm REALLY excited about it!):

Lone Star: Fox is promoting the hell out of this one... cute guy is a con artist with, according to the previews, a fake hot girlfriend and a fake hot rich wife. Drama ensues. Dad looks like he's going to blow the whistle. I look like I'll be watching.

The Event: Since Flashforward and Lost are both off the air, I need something to spark my conspiracy loving heart. Government cover-ups that the president doesn't know about? Count me in... add Jason Ritter and Blair Underwood to the cast and I'll definitely give it a chance.

Hawaii 5-0: Oh, I'm excited. Daniel Dae Kim from Lost (somewhat related- this guy has to be like, the mayor of Hawaii. Every show he shoots is down there!), Alex O'Loughlin, potentially shirtless (I did like Moonlight), Grace Park from Battlestar Galactica... this is a cop procedural I can get behind!

Mike & Molly: Monday's kind of suck for choices, don't they? I have a dual-tuner Tivo, so I can tape 2 things at once, and still, it's like Sophie's Choice. Mike & Molly looks horrible, but I like to know why I hate things, so I may tune in to check it out. In case you haven't heard anything about it, it's about 2 people that meet in a weight-loss support group. So rest assured, crass fat jokes are sure to abound. hooray. I doubt that a primetime network sitcom will have the approach that a show like Drop Dead Diva will have, so I am sure that it will just be an ugly show. However, I really like Melissa McCarthy, so I'm hoping that there's some hidden depth to this show.

Running Wilde: Mitchell Hurwitz, the developer of Arrested Development, together (again!) with Will Arnett. I actually sort of found Sit Down, Shut Up funny (I think I may have been the only one), so I'm definitely willing to give this a try. I mean, come on. I don't care if Will Arnett plays Gob Bluth in every single thing he does for the rest of his life, I'll tune in. Plus, I discovered that I really liked Keri Russell in Waitress, even though I thought Felicity was melodramatic and dumb.

Undercovers: So it's Mr & Mrs Smith for tv. It has JJ Abrams attached! He did the Star Trek reboot! AND LOST! Abrams has great success with action and tv (Alias), so I think this isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

Hellcats: Ummm.. CW teenybopper show about cheerleading. Need I say more? BFF will be pleased to note that Sharpay from High School Musical will be in it.

Shit My Dad Says: Yeah, I'll say the REAL title. William Shatner, who for some reason really reminds me of my dad, is in it. I love William Shatner (Rocket Man, anyone?). I find the Twitter funny. Sitcom? Probably will be stupid, but I'll give it a try, even though Thursdays at 7:00 are another infuriating traffic jam of awesome. Sorry Community and Vampire Diaries, I'll have to catch you online. again.

Body Of Proof: Well, Friday was kind of light. So why not try out a crime procedural? Dana Delany is in it, and I really liked her guest star turn on Castle- she was smart, witty, and worked well as an FBI agent. This time around she'll be a neurosurgeon turned medical examiner, but you know, dead bodies are dead bodies.

Blue Bloods: Another cop series. Apparently Americans LOOOOOVE their cop serials. Along with all the others that are returning, there are at least 7 more that are premiering this fall. But wait... this one has Donnie Wahlberg and Tom Selleck, my friends. Yeah, I thought you'd say that. Worth a look, right?

Outlaw: Supreme Court, Jimmy Smits, Jay Mohr (yay!)...I'm interested enough to tape it on a night where almost literally nothing else is on.


Top Picks:

Hawaii 5-0: I think Alex O'Laughlin may have found a show that will stick around for a while- nostalgia runs high for this show and people love cop shows. This may be a winner.

Undercovers: JJ Abrams is revered in the tv community, it seems, and for good reason. His shows are original, smart and flashy. Add two incredibly good looking stars, and this will probably have a good run.

Hellcats: CW never seems to give up on a show, and why would you? It looks stupid and fun.

Want to make your own overly-detailed and somewhat pathetic tv schedule yourself? Check out TVGuide.com for listings.

Happy Slappy New Year! or: The Only Way I Can Stomach The Black Eyed Peas

Despite the careless choice to feature a mascot, I found myself hypnotically drawn to this mash up.

Happy New Year, folks! Hold money at midnight, look someone straight in the eye while toasting, and use public transportation tonight!

British Farmers Have a Lot of Time On Their Hands.

To the enjoyment of us all. Kudos to Big Bro for the find!

Petting Is Passe

BAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I can't even begin to discuss how awesome this woman and her cat are. I lost it when she starts talking about "droolers not being someone that fixes a watch", but I couldn't even watch when she starts singing to that drugged cat.

Are You Sure You Want to Invite This Guy Over For Drinks?

Gliese 581D is a planet about 20 light years away in the Libra constellation (groovy, baby!), and is a planet that scientists postulate could possibly support life. Whether it's punch through your stomach and eat your brains life or ET phone home life, well, they just aren't sure.

So why not invite the general population to write messages to whatever may be living on Gliese 581D? HelloFromEarth.net is a site that does just that, switching messages from the public into binary code and will beam them to outerspace, at which time we will shortly become a slave race.

The messages range from the clinically depressed to the totally stoned to the pretty awesome, some of my favorites are below:

When you come here make sure you get a copy of all Britney Spears albums, you're going to love them.
Victor Julio Galicia
Barquisimeto, Venezuela

You are cordially invited to an Interplanetary BBQ. 6.00pm, 4th October, 2452 at my place BYO Meat and Beer. RSVP: Year 2100 Cheers
Daniel Edmonds
Melbourne, Australia

Greetings from the Caribbean! It's warm and great here. Visit and we'll show you a great time, drinks and spicy food! Please bring own towel & sunblock though.
Anthony De Castro
St Joseph, Trinidad and To

Dear aliens, Please disregard those transmissions featuring Hitler. They're from a few years back and nobody really liked him anyway.
Alex
Chicago, United States

Hi-dilly, ho-dilly, neighboreenos!
Ned Flanders
Perth, Australia

Hi hi, my housemate has given up on all males on our planet. If you have half a brain and something to prod her with, she'll be pleased to meet you. Toodles,
D.Darren
Melbourne, Australia

Hello Aliens. Do you have genetalia? I hope so.
Erica
Melbourne, Australia

Hi We kill each other, destroy our own environment and value material objects more than each other. Yours, hoping for a better future,
Claire
Dulwich Hill, Australia

We need help, we are being destroyed by leaders whos only concern is lining their own pockets, assuming you can read english. Greetings
Adam Pronaszko
Borehamwood, Australia

We are destroying our planet, and are too selfish to stop. We need your help. Please come quickly.
Ted Catchpole
Canberra, Australia

Heads up: on our planet, it is considered rude to introduce yourself to new neighbours without offering delicious cake or a hamper of edible goods.
Tegan Lyons
Sydney, Australia

Hello from Earth, please visit. We have cookies.
Chris Hully
Ottawa, Canada

'ssup bros? I'm a libra too. Respect.

MattHobart, Australia

You don't understand any Earth language let alone English so it doesn't matter what I write.
Scoby Watson
Sydney, Australia

Our planet's idea of Miss Universe is thin, dumb blondes. Perhaps you can diversify the pool.
Dorothy
sydney, Australia

Hello there my children, It has been long since my father created you in his image and I died for your sins here on earth. I look forwards to reconnecting.
Jesus Christ
Behind the pearly gates, Australia

If your planet really exists, has the Creator revealed Himself to you? He has to us here on Earth. His Name is Jesus Christ.Trevor HoltBalgownie, Australia

Hello. You may be nearer the angels and God. Please ask them to heal my son Peter and to make his life happy. Kim CupplesKim CupplesYuba City, United States

Facebook Will Ruin Your Life. If You're a Moron.

As seen on Geekologie.

I'd Like to Judge That Competition

According to the Associated Press via Taiwan News (what? I like to diversify), today is the "best drink" final round of the World Cocktail Competition in Berlin. 100 bartenders from 52 countries compete in rounds such as "Classic" (plain old mixing) and "Flair" (what Mini Me is doing in the clip up there).

Cheers! Come to Chicago! MAKE ME DRUNK!

Is It a Fetish?

I'm not sure why it's listed in the Obituaries section, because it doesn't appear as though the guy (or anyone else) died, but check out what was in the Chicago Sun-Times today:

He 'really likes to be around glasses'

July 28, 2009

An Illinois man is accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of glasses from Milwaukee-area stores because he enjoys being around eyewear.
Prosecutors say Jerry Lowery, 38, walked into three shops between April and July and said he had a gun. They say he took more than 500 pairs. The criminal complaint quotes him as saying he "really likes to be around glasses." AP

Well. Why the hell not? It's always good to have a choice.

I Swear This Drives By BFF's Neighborhood

This is a wedding invitation! Adorable.

Stop Motion Magic

Wow! WOW! Heartwarming. Apparently, also a bit of a ripoff of Stop Motion with Wolf and Pig, below. Yeah, I see the similarities. Since when is it inappropriate for advertising firms to copy true art?

I'm all for it, I say!

Info for The PEN Story... it took 60,000 pictures and 1800 reshoots. Amazing.

But... Then Where Would I Keep My Remote?

Do you have huge knockers? Whether you got them from nature or from Dr. Feelgood, it doesn't matter, those of us with enormous melons can all be helped by today's questionable product, the Kush Support, designed to keep you from getting wrinkly cleavage. From the website:

"After comprehensive research and testing, Kush was developed as an anatomically contoured accessory offering both health and beauty benefits. Made from a lightweight plastic with a slip-resistant outer coating, Kush is uniquely designed to fit between the breasts to maintain a more natural shape while resting on your side. No straps, no underwires, no constraints, no adhesives and no garments needed - the slip-resistant surface and contoured shape help keep Kush in place as a woman rolls from one side to the other during sleep."

It's a little steep at $55, when I could just as easily shove a can of creamed corn in between the girls... but if the professionals at the best little whorehouse in Texas use them, I guess I probably should too! Seriously- what's with her pajamas? Does anyone actually sleep in things like that?

Product Site here!

The Comfort Wipe: Because You're a Filthy, Filthy Creature.

Oh, it's real. Check out the Product Site.

I can't imagine that this is all that "ergonomic"... my buttcheeks aren't 4 inches apart. Perhaps that's one of those "disadvantages" of being a big person that dude is talking about? Anyway, you're going to have wedge that thing in there.

Also... what disability do you imagine that classy WASP having that requires her to have someone else wipe her ass?

You Look Stupid: Why You Never Ask for a Tattoo On Your Face.

This is 18 year old Belgian, Kimberley Vlaminck. Kimberley claims she asked for 3 stars on her face, by her eye... which is foolish enough ("Granny? What are those green droopy things on your face?"). This is what she got instead.

According to the Daily Mail, she's trying to sue the tattoo artist, stating that he didn't understand her in English or French:

'I think he didn’t understand what I wanted. He spoke only fractured English and French.
'But I explicitly said in my native tongue, French, and also in a little bit of English when he looked confused, that I wanted three little stars only near my left eye.'

This is key area number one. If someone who's about to needle ink permanently under your skin ever looks confused, stop. Stop right there and draw a picture.

Key area number two:

She claims she fell asleep while he was doing his work... and awoke to 'this nightmare'.
'It is terrible for me,' said Kimberley. 'I cannot go out on to the street, I am so embarrassed. I just look horrible.'

You're a shitty liar, Kimberley. Anyone in the world who's ever had a tattoo will tell you that you aren't asleep... ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE GETTING A NEEDLE STUCK REPEATEDLY IN YOUR FACE. If you did fall asleep, you shouldn't have eaten that Space Cake.

The tattoo artist basically called her out on her shenanigans, saying she was awake for the whole thing and looked in the mirror several times. Sounds like SOMEONE got busted by her parents for being a moron.

You May Be Looking In The Wrong Place

As found in the Craiglist Lost & Found Section:

All reason to Live (Earth, as it is...)

Reply to:comm-as7tf-1195178839@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-05-29, 12:50PM CDT

I lost it, my reason for living. My drive, my compassion, my self worth. I sit here, at this desk, knowing full well that my brain is turning to an even larger puddle of quivering nothing as we speak. Yes, in these troubled times, I should be grateful that I have a job. Here I am, 50 years old, attractive, single, realtively clean smelling!! And I have lost my reason for living!!! I am a sheep, a wanderer. Ever get off of the train in the morning, simply following th rest of the lost sheep through Chicago. Baa Baa, it could be worse. It could still be Janurary. Then it's the following of the frozen sheep, declaring, "When the fuck is it going to warm up?'. It did, but I still feel like a mindless sheep, following a line to drab, dull, desperate.

If it wasnt for the fifth in my desk, the hot messenger, and the fingertip vibrator in my desk drawer, I dont know what I would do. Jump I guess.


Location: Earth, as it is...
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1195178839

Inevitability Just Smacked You In the Face.

It's a parody, y'all!!! But let's be honest... they are starting to run out of beloved memories for the 25-32 target demographic, especially boy toys.

The Smurfs are getting a movie, I'm hoping it's only a matter of time before Rainbow Brite sees some action. (Just think of the gay following you could have!!)

This was sort of entertaining... though frankly, it could have been funnier. Still worth a watch, if you played with My Little Ponies.

There's Such a Thing as Going TOO Green.

Yeah... that's exactly what you think it is. Some looney toon at etsy.com (a site I normally adore, think stylish craft ebay) set up her own shop called Randumosity in order to foist upon the world her idea of green living:

Etsy Eco-Tip: "Reuse, Reduce and Recycle"Using cloth menstrual pads will lessen your contribution to the landfill!
Added on May 4, 2009

Honestly? I know, I know...fact of life and all that, but the earth-burning Westerner in me begs you to consider the logistics: who wants this thing hanging around their drawer? Is flannel really that... absorbent? I think the thing that makes these so objectionable is the gaggingly cutesy "femininity" with which she chose the designs.

Here are some of the more disturbing fabric choices this ghastly woman made:

Just what we all love being referred to... especially during that special time.

I'm all for retro, but in this situation, Care Bears seem completely inappropriate.

This brings a new meaning to "Ants in your pants". I suspect this was made without a shred of irony.