Why Yes, That Is Jon Hamm and I.

Sharing a lovely drink, discussing how awesome my dress is, and that it is, in fact, possible to float by a bar stool. What's that? You'd like to join us? By all means. Mad Men Yourself here.

Well, If You Can Trick Out Your Wedding Cake...

I don't really think of mortality all that often. However, perhaps it's due to yet another gray day, perhaps it's because I'm hitting a milestone birthday, hey- maybe it's even because Murray kicked it on my desk the other day. Meh...maybe it's just because I found these two websites and thought they were absurd.

At any rate, I think it's time to discuss how we want our remains handled once we shuffle off this mortal coil. Last thing I want is to be flushed down the toilet, Murray-style.

I have stumbled upon a few new options, namely the Star Trek line by Eternal Images. That's the urn up there... pretty sleek. However, if you look closely, you can see the reflection of someone's suburban house in the ball... is Trekkie Uncle Alfred now lawn art? Eternal Images ALSO has Precious Moments (gag) and MLB themed products. Well, why be generic?

Here's the casket... pretty fit for being shot into the final frontier, a la Captain Kirk. (Die with your boots on!)

However, if you're looking to be slightly more functional, you could always become a LifeGem (because love lives on)... a "certified, high-quality diamond created from the carbon of the one you love". I'm not sure how I feel about this idea... on one hand, hooray! I'm sparkly! On the other... WTF?!

Take a look at the website, I find it a completely morbid hoot... especially the sepia-toned "happy family" pictures used in the ads... especially the Dad-With-Son-On-Shoulders. Who the heck is supposed to be the dead one in this scenario? You can also make your pet into a LifeGem (because love lives on) if you so desire. This is definitely a step above one of my co-workers, who had her cat stuffed and, I shit you not, BROUGHT IT TO WORK.

I wonder if Murray could have been a LifeGem if I hadn't had him flushed down the toilet.

How would you like to be laid to rest? I have to say I'm thinking pajamas and a Snuggie... Dunkin Donut in one hand and a Harry Potter book in the other.

What the What?

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with things I find online. According to the product website, the Farting Hippo was made because a character on NCIS (one of possibly 3 shows I don't watch) has one.

I'm not one for fart jokes...yes, we all do it, let's move on... but I have to say, I sort of find this thing adorable. It's also completely absurdly priced at 30-60 Pounds, which is like...$50-$100.

Buy me one here!

I've Found a New Sport.

I need to figure out how to get to Norway by 2011, STAT. The last World Beard and Moustache Championship just finished over the Memorial Day weekend, and the next one isn't for 720 DAYS. The countdown begins now.

There are three main categories, Moustaches, Partial Beards and Full Beards... and there are sub categories in each (Partial Beard competition categories include the FuManchu and Alaskan Whaler). A lot of thought is put into each category:

"Discerning fans will notice that the categories are heavily weighted toward upper-lip hair, with fully eight of the categories featuring various forms of moustaches, although two of these categories (FuManchu and Musketeer) are included within the "partial beards" subdivision."

Any championship in which someone has a better beard than the guy above has to be an amazing spectator event. I dream of bringing bubblegum and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to these guys.

Visit the official website here.

Special thanks to PopWatch for brightening my first day back from vacation with this little gem, and for asking the most pertinent question: why isn't this on ESPN2?

Get Your Cougar Running...

I've been laying off the Twilight madness recently, as nothing really new is out (filming shots bore me to tears, just give me the movie already), but the New Moon poster has surfaced... promising no shortage of Dr. Pepper Lipsmacker and chest hair from Mr. Pattinson. Click on the image to enlarge... you'll see what I mean. Our dirty little stoner is growing up!

I don't know if one can actually glean all this from a teaser poster, but does anyone else have the sense that this one may be better acted, simply from the greater emotion and less ridonk "topaz" eye Photoshopping?

Let's break it down. Plus one for the sepia tones, I'm digging those. Minus two for the blush and eye makeup on Edward. They have that dude wearing more makeup than Tammy Faye Bakker. Plus one for Jacob. He's looking pretty good... all clench-fisted and protective. Plus one for not changing Bella's wardrobe, despite a larger filming budget.

What do you all think? Will you see the next one? Yeah... you will. Don't lie.

Inevitability Just Smacked You In the Face.

It's a parody, y'all!!! But let's be honest... they are starting to run out of beloved memories for the 25-32 target demographic, especially boy toys.

The Smurfs are getting a movie, I'm hoping it's only a matter of time before Rainbow Brite sees some action. (Just think of the gay following you could have!!)

This was sort of entertaining... though frankly, it could have been funnier. Still worth a watch, if you played with My Little Ponies.

If Anyone Can Make Something Like This Happen When I'm Around, You Will Instantly Become My Hero.

Almost as good as spontaneous public dancing... T-Mobile introduces mass karaoke, and everyone appears to be having a blast. Why, WHY does everyone in England always look like they're up for a good prank?

PS: at :40 and 2:02... is that Pink, or is it just me??

This Is Not Your Father's Star Trek...

Except it IS, because my dad is just as stupidly excited about the new Star Trek movie as I am. Anyway... check out this lil' Romulan piece of sexy!! She agrees that Fonzipan is the best site she has ever read, but sadly, I couldn't get the widget to embed. So all you get to do is gaze at her loveliness.

Do it Star Trek style and Trek Yourself HERE.

Happy Earth Day!

In honor of Earth Day, here's some energy-saving activities:

1. Instead of buying NEW gas, siphon gas out of your neighbor's vehicle. You'll also save the earth from harmful fumes- they can't drive their car, and you'll be running away, at least that trip.

2. Turn off your tv and act out your own episode of Lost. It's a special (read: clip show) tonight anyway.

3. Go to the bathroom with the lights off. Surely you've had some jokester in your life shut the lights off when you're doing your business. It's freaky in there- sure the mirror's there... but WHERE ARE YOU?

4. Light your night using only the soft blue glow of the Bunsen burners in your meth lab.

5. Cut the main power line to your neighbors' house. This may also prompt them to move (Big Bro? Sis in Law?)

Prithee, good sirrah, will'st thou speak like Shakespeare or no??

Say what you will about Mayor Daley, but the guy likes to have fun. From making Superbowl bets with Indianapolis to midnight digging raids on airport runways to reclaim public land, I appreciate his sense of old style city government.

His newest cause, according to CNN? Talk Like Shakespeare Day, this Thursday, April 23. In conjunction with the Chicago Shakespeare Theater's celebration of the day most historians agree is Shakespeare's birthday, Mayor Daley issued a proclamation encouraging students, teachers and the general public to toss out words like "thou" "fie!" and "knave" into the day.

I'm totally into it, and not above throwing out some Henry V with BFF. I'm DEFINITELY going to call someone a rough-hewn hedge pig.

Below are some tips from Talklikeshakespeare.org, the official website created by the Chicago Shakespeare Theater if you feel like being a joiner:

1. Instead of you, say thou. Instead of y’all, say thee.

2. Rhymed couplets are all the rage.

3. Men are Sirrah, ladies are Mistress, and your friends are all called Cousin.

4. Instead of cursing, try calling your tormenters jackanapes or canker-blossoms or poisonous bunch-back’d toads.

5. Don’t waste time saying "it," just use the letter "t" (’tis, t’will, I’ll do’t).

6. Verse for lovers, prose for ruffians, songs for clowns.

7. When in doubt, add the letters "eth" to the end of verbs (he runneth, he trippeth, he falleth).

8. To add weight to your opinions, try starting them with methinks, mayhaps, in sooth or wherefore.

9. When wooing ladies: try comparing her to a summer’s day. If that fails, say "Get thee to a nunnery!"

10. When wooing lads: try dressing up like a man. If that fails, throw him in the Tower, banish his friends and claim the throne.