This App Is Already On My Phone.

I'd Like to Kick Yesterday In the Gooch For You.

I dedicate this post to you, AlsoBeth. However, I'm an emotional misfit, and I have no great words of wisdom to make what happened not suck. 

With that being said, I give you this picture of a really tiny monkey.

You're #1 in my book!!!

What Is Wrong With People?

WHY DO I KEEP FINDING THINGS THAT TERRIFY ME????

I found the video above a couple of months ago... and I have been sharing it with everyone, because I am convinced that it's like The Ring- if I don't share it, I WILL BE KILLED BY THE SCARY BABY FACE.
NOW I Am Your Grandma has been replaced by a new terror... Going To The Store. Thanks a lot, world!

YOU GUYS.

snow globe pictures

Bully Target.

Is Martha Stewart running out of ideas or something?  I have this mental image of Martha, finally out of ideas for Good Things after all these years, huddled into the corner of her root cellar, rocking back and forth amidst hundreds of jars of hand-crafted preserves and carefully, beautifully tied bundles of dried herbs from her own garden, weeping softly, praying to the crafty gods for ONE MORE IDEA.



And then they give her this.

You know why this little girl looks so unhappy?  Because Martha Stewart pinned a stupid penny to her sweet-ass corduroy jacket.

Who the hell would make this for their kid?? This isn't a clever craft!

Normally, I look at Martha Stewart crafts like this....

...and say "Wow... that looks like she bought that. Mine would look like I cut off a cow's tail and strapped it around my middle."  Then I feel all shitty about myself and my crafting ability and go make a picture with Elmer's Glue and an assload of glitter.  (The more glitter you use, the less shame you feel!!)


But that penny ribbon pin? WTF?  Thanks for leveling the playing field, Martha. If you need me, I'll be bedazzling Darth Vader's head on a t-shirt.

AHEM.

Yep. This toy pretty much sucks.

I See What You're Doing.

I need your help, guys. I'm pretty sure AlsoBeth is trying to kill me.  First, she sent me the picture above over the weekend, changing my peaceful Saturday afternoon into a riot of tears and hiding in the closet.

Now, she sends me an email with this link, with this seemingly benign comment: "a little something to brighten??? your day."

WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU??!?!?!?!  Here's a sampling of what she sent me...

Normally the scariest dolls to me are the ones that are unmanipulated; inherently scary by their very design, like that goddamned stoma doll in the middle there. BFF's big-eye dolls, her Blythe collection, scares the crap out of me. They seem like they know something.  Like maybe where the knives are kept downstairs.  However, I have to add that last one to the list of dolls that will haunt me forever. What are those teeth from?  Is this some sort of cannibal baby? 

I'm unsure as to AlsoBeth's motives for terrorizing me, but I have a theory.  I think she wants to establish Total Beth Dominance.  Maybe it's like that movie Highlander, and she'll absorb all my knowledge by destroying me.  I'll have the last laugh if that's the case... all she'll be adding to her brain arsenal is an unhealthy amount of Big Lebowski quotes and a carnival organ song playing on a constant loop in her head.