Bully Target.

Is Martha Stewart running out of ideas or something?  I have this mental image of Martha, finally out of ideas for Good Things after all these years, huddled into the corner of her root cellar, rocking back and forth amidst hundreds of jars of hand-crafted preserves and carefully, beautifully tied bundles of dried herbs from her own garden, weeping softly, praying to the crafty gods for ONE MORE IDEA.



And then they give her this.

You know why this little girl looks so unhappy?  Because Martha Stewart pinned a stupid penny to her sweet-ass corduroy jacket.

Who the hell would make this for their kid?? This isn't a clever craft!

Normally, I look at Martha Stewart crafts like this....

...and say "Wow... that looks like she bought that. Mine would look like I cut off a cow's tail and strapped it around my middle."  Then I feel all shitty about myself and my crafting ability and go make a picture with Elmer's Glue and an assload of glitter.  (The more glitter you use, the less shame you feel!!)


But that penny ribbon pin? WTF?  Thanks for leveling the playing field, Martha. If you need me, I'll be bedazzling Darth Vader's head on a t-shirt.

AHEM.

I Don't Care About Pedophiles... I Just Want to See the Clothes On a Grownup

 Meet the January cover girl of French Vogue, y'all!

Hot, right??

Getting a good sense of what these clothes might look like on you?

What's that? You're not?  Oh, that's because SHE'S TEN YEARS OLD. Yeah.... 10. One year older than my niece, who is just reading Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. Who thinks that adding some variant of  "poop" and "pee" to every single line on a Mad Libs is the height of humor (she may not be wrong there).

Found this on the Daily Mail, who, I'm sure, is positively giddy over the outrage it's causing. Yes, they are incredibly sexualized photos. Yes, I am horrified that the picture just above has her in a top cut so low that I wouldn't dare wear on the sluttiest night of the year Halloween.  Yes, this is the same type of photography that gets Chris Hansen in a tizzy.

But let's put aside the whole "this is the epitome of all that's wrong in this sad, fucked up little world of ours" thing and focus on my immediate thought, since I'm neither a pedophile nor a parent:  Can I open just one goddamned magazine and see clothes on someone that has at least graduated high school?

I'm not asking for much here. Really. Fuck fat models. Screw models over 25 (HAGS! ALL OF YOU!). Right now, I'd settle for someone that at least could drive to the photo shoot themselves:

Below is 15 year old Hailee Steinfeld, Mattie Ross in last year's True Grit. Stunning portrayal of a child looking for vengeance for her father's death. Now, she's the face of Miu Miu.

13 year old Elle Fanning! Dakota's tyke sister, and also the model for Marc by Marc Jacobs' fall/winter line.

She'd be a great model, if I were looking for something to wear on my first day of freshman year. BUT I'M NOT.  I'm a grown damned woman, looking to purchase clothes that I can wear to my job, that I can work without having to enforce Child Labor Laws.

Fashion designers, magazine editors, I implore you, on behalf of women everywhere... please. PLEASE. This isn't avant garde (clearly, since you aren't the only one doing it), this isn't edgy. This is just... stupid. Cast some models who's list of craziest nights don't include "that time when mom let me stay up past 10:30 to wait for Santa."

I Want to Take Your Place, JLo!

Lenny Kravitz, JLo (who is clearly sitting in my spot), Bradley Cooper, my girlfriend Christina Hendricks and NPH?! WHAT?!? According to the Daily Mail, this momentous event of awesome took place at the Tommy Hilfiger show over the weekend for Fashion Week. I won't lie, I'm a little jealous, even though I never liked Tommy Hilfiger. It's probably best I'm not there, because I have every confidence that I would make a total ass of myself. I'd be trying to hold Bradley Cooper's hand and making weird noises to attract NPH's attention... and possibly reaching behind that guy with his head turned to pet Lenny Kravitz's closely shaven head.

It's generally best if I'm not allowed in public.

Side note: what the hell, Bradley Cooper? We need to discuss how you're buttoning that jacket.

So far, Fashion Week has been mostly normal. Granted, I haven't taken a look through the Couture Collections yet... always rife for strangeness.

All photos from the Daily Mail.

Go Incognito, Itchy

Oh Etsy, you never cease to amaze me with your world of weirdness. This is probably one of the funniest knitted things I have ever seen. It looks oddly comforting, though I would probably break out in a hideous rash.

What do you say we all get one, and then start a posse? We could become Dr. Suess-like outlaws.

Buy your's here, in a variety of colors.

Look At You, Being All Crafty

I really love Christina Hendricks. We all know she is on Mad Men, one of my favorite shows of the moment. She was also in Joss Whedon's Firefly, which holds a special place in my heart, and makes her infinitely cooler. Much has been made of her goddess figure, and she is, whether she really wants to be or not, becoming the poster child for body acceptance, and the fashion industry allowing women to actually have hips and tits and not be forced to look like a 10 year old Asian boy. For this I thank her. Above all, she seems to accept this with grace, even though it has to become extremely irritating that anytime she is spoken about in an article it is about her body, and any adjectives used to describe her are not about her personality, but something akin to "The curvy star of Mad Men...blah blah blah". Her patience is far greater than mine.

Well now, she's just become about a billion times cooler. In a slightly manic daze of overconfidence in my own home-ec skills, I have recently decided that I am going to be a quilter. It turns out that Etsy.com is a really great place not only to find adorable and amazing finished crafts (and some other things), but some truly funky fabrics, and so I have been poring through Etsy for cute fabric like it's my job.

So today, I googled Etsy, and came across this little article in the Google News section about my new girlfriend from Today.com: Christina Hendricks is modeling scarves for her friend Tamara Mello on Etsy. COMEONHOWCOOLISTHAT?! My little crafting heart just went pitter patter. I wonder if she knits. I don't, but if she did, I would learn, so that if I ever met her, I could be like "hey, I knit too- want to come over and watch old movies and knit scarves together?" We could lounge in jammy pants and drink wine and eat too much whole-wheat pasta and talk about what Jon Hamm is like, and whether he really smells like cedar and fresh laundry (like he does in my mind).

Her friend's shop is Blackbird Design House, and it features all sorts of tasteful felted crafts. I actually don't understand felting. I have asked BFF (my crafting encyclopedia) about it a billion times, and I still don't understand how it works. Do you felt things onto things that are already knitted, like scarves? Do you just start with unwoven wool and punch it with a needle a billion times until it magically becomes a sweater? How do you make designs with it? Why would anyone want these felted soaps?

BFF and Birv Are TOTAL Trendsetters

Personally, I think our Twi-wear (above) is way cuter, but is it wrong of me to kind of want Nordstrom's Twilight-inspired jacket?

Personally, I think they could have done better (and classier) by expanding this idea; film-inspired clothes (perhaps that suit the super duper hot Edward cutout is wearing?), not "Team Edward" shirts undoubtably cheaper at (and better suited for) Hot Topic. Then again, the North Shore New Trier Twi-hards wouldn't be caught dead there.

Check out InStyle's preview of the line here: it hits stores in October.

But Should I Wear Them to Opening Night?

Today's questionable product is actually a CRAFT more than a product, as they aren't for sale... Golden Snitch pasties (from the world of Harry Potter)!

Could anything be more appropriate for a midnight premiere? I THINK NOT!!

Check them out on Craftster, though sadly, inexplicably, there isn't a How-To on this HOW TO website.

I'll Give It Two Years Before You Totally Regret This.

I'll bet $50 this girl dreams of the day she meets Robert Pattinson, not realizing that instead of causing him to profess undying love, it causes him to get a restraining order.

Geekologie has a whole gallery of Twi-tats... check it out. It makes me really sad.

Check Out This Shirt!

Seriously... check out this shirt at Woot.