YOU GUYS.

snow globe pictures

Bully Target.

Is Martha Stewart running out of ideas or something?  I have this mental image of Martha, finally out of ideas for Good Things after all these years, huddled into the corner of her root cellar, rocking back and forth amidst hundreds of jars of hand-crafted preserves and carefully, beautifully tied bundles of dried herbs from her own garden, weeping softly, praying to the crafty gods for ONE MORE IDEA.



And then they give her this.

You know why this little girl looks so unhappy?  Because Martha Stewart pinned a stupid penny to her sweet-ass corduroy jacket.

Who the hell would make this for their kid?? This isn't a clever craft!

Normally, I look at Martha Stewart crafts like this....

...and say "Wow... that looks like she bought that. Mine would look like I cut off a cow's tail and strapped it around my middle."  Then I feel all shitty about myself and my crafting ability and go make a picture with Elmer's Glue and an assload of glitter.  (The more glitter you use, the less shame you feel!!)


But that penny ribbon pin? WTF?  Thanks for leveling the playing field, Martha. If you need me, I'll be bedazzling Darth Vader's head on a t-shirt.

AHEM.

Go Incognito, Itchy

Oh Etsy, you never cease to amaze me with your world of weirdness. This is probably one of the funniest knitted things I have ever seen. It looks oddly comforting, though I would probably break out in a hideous rash.

What do you say we all get one, and then start a posse? We could become Dr. Suess-like outlaws.

Buy your's here, in a variety of colors.

Look At You, Being All Crafty

I really love Christina Hendricks. We all know she is on Mad Men, one of my favorite shows of the moment. She was also in Joss Whedon's Firefly, which holds a special place in my heart, and makes her infinitely cooler. Much has been made of her goddess figure, and she is, whether she really wants to be or not, becoming the poster child for body acceptance, and the fashion industry allowing women to actually have hips and tits and not be forced to look like a 10 year old Asian boy. For this I thank her. Above all, she seems to accept this with grace, even though it has to become extremely irritating that anytime she is spoken about in an article it is about her body, and any adjectives used to describe her are not about her personality, but something akin to "The curvy star of Mad Men...blah blah blah". Her patience is far greater than mine.

Well now, she's just become about a billion times cooler. In a slightly manic daze of overconfidence in my own home-ec skills, I have recently decided that I am going to be a quilter. It turns out that Etsy.com is a really great place not only to find adorable and amazing finished crafts (and some other things), but some truly funky fabrics, and so I have been poring through Etsy for cute fabric like it's my job.

So today, I googled Etsy, and came across this little article in the Google News section about my new girlfriend from Today.com: Christina Hendricks is modeling scarves for her friend Tamara Mello on Etsy. COMEONHOWCOOLISTHAT?! My little crafting heart just went pitter patter. I wonder if she knits. I don't, but if she did, I would learn, so that if I ever met her, I could be like "hey, I knit too- want to come over and watch old movies and knit scarves together?" We could lounge in jammy pants and drink wine and eat too much whole-wheat pasta and talk about what Jon Hamm is like, and whether he really smells like cedar and fresh laundry (like he does in my mind).

Her friend's shop is Blackbird Design House, and it features all sorts of tasteful felted crafts. I actually don't understand felting. I have asked BFF (my crafting encyclopedia) about it a billion times, and I still don't understand how it works. Do you felt things onto things that are already knitted, like scarves? Do you just start with unwoven wool and punch it with a needle a billion times until it magically becomes a sweater? How do you make designs with it? Why would anyone want these felted soaps?

The Secret Life of Stormtroopers.

This guy Stefan, who I think is in France, at least, there's a lot of french in the background, (who should become my French sci-fi watching bestie) is following his Stormtroopers around for a year.

Some of my favorites are below (I really love them all)- take a look at the whole series here.

Did She Just Pull an Ewok Out of Her Purse?

Oh, I think she did. That's right everyone, as I was at the Walgreens yesterday picking up toilet paper, what did I see in the aisle before me? Well.. Christmas decorations, but that's hardly the point. (Sidebar: can't we have Thanksgiving before we start rolling out the yard reindeer? PLEASE?) Anyway... I saw the Snuggie for Dogs. I think it's possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, but I have to say, it's probably the only thing that Daisy would ever wear. She frigging LOVES blankets. To have her very own? She'd look about as excited as that golden retriever does.

I sort of wish that they didn't pitch it as an alternative to the doggie sweater (props for the opening poem). I wish that they had the guts to say "Is your dog as lazy as you? (yes!) Do you both lay on the couch watching TV and reading all day? (Why...it's our idea of a perfect day!!) Let your dog waste away in the same comfort you do while you catch up back episodes of Eastwick and Ghost Whisperer!" Ok. That last part may be a little too targeted to me. But still. Better, no?

Buy my dog one here.

(Sidebar #2... is everyone as charmed as I am by the little dog falling asleep in its Snuggie? I could watch that all day! It looks so happy!)

But Should I Wear Them to Opening Night?

Today's questionable product is actually a CRAFT more than a product, as they aren't for sale... Golden Snitch pasties (from the world of Harry Potter)!

Could anything be more appropriate for a midnight premiere? I THINK NOT!!

Check them out on Craftster, though sadly, inexplicably, there isn't a How-To on this HOW TO website.

Y'arrr, There Be a Newly Minted Tharrrrty Year Old!

BFF's birthday extravaganza was a goddamn delight of a time. Laser tag is my new favorite pastime. I am considering buying a set for myself, though I'd probably have to slap the other set on Daisy to avoid annoying all my close friends, who would inevitably grow weary of my constant requests for games and Pirish jabber. But the Doodle's pretty sly, despite the lack of opposable thumbs. I imagine she'd make a good opponent.

Shockingly, I didn't get a good picture of the Stormtrooper shirt, a devastating oversight that will shortly be remedied. The shirt, however, garnered rave reviews and copious boob comments, most made by BFF in a clever attempt to draw attention to the girls by Cincinnati Imaginary Boyfriend. Well played, BFF. Your scheming loyalty is delicious.

Should you ever venture to Cincinnati, please pay a visit to The Pirate’s Den, officially the best bar ever, particularly in which to play a Scavenger Hunt. Tiger head on the wall? Check. Pregnant lady swilling High Life? Check. BRIDAL PARTY? Double check. Man… I could have shut this place DOWN… particularly because buying a round of four drinks cost roughly $8.

Like any vacationer worth her salt, I give you a moderated slide show, including a Fonzipan First... a picture of me! Enjoy it while it lasts.

The Pirate's Den. To visit is to love it. Cupake Armada! I'll have you know BFF and I made each flag by hand. 48 of them. Suck on that, Martha Stewart!

Birv and BFF... together at last for a birthday! This is the first time we've ever been able to spend birthdays together. As it should be, the event was celebrated with crafting and glitter. Please note the eyepatches.

There's Such a Thing as Going TOO Green.

Yeah... that's exactly what you think it is. Some looney toon at etsy.com (a site I normally adore, think stylish craft ebay) set up her own shop called Randumosity in order to foist upon the world her idea of green living:

Etsy Eco-Tip: "Reuse, Reduce and Recycle"Using cloth menstrual pads will lessen your contribution to the landfill!
Added on May 4, 2009

Honestly? I know, I know...fact of life and all that, but the earth-burning Westerner in me begs you to consider the logistics: who wants this thing hanging around their drawer? Is flannel really that... absorbent? I think the thing that makes these so objectionable is the gaggingly cutesy "femininity" with which she chose the designs.

Here are some of the more disturbing fabric choices this ghastly woman made:

Just what we all love being referred to... especially during that special time.

I'm all for retro, but in this situation, Care Bears seem completely inappropriate.

This brings a new meaning to "Ants in your pants". I suspect this was made without a shred of irony.

This Is Not Your Father's Star Trek...

Except it IS, because my dad is just as stupidly excited about the new Star Trek movie as I am. Anyway... check out this lil' Romulan piece of sexy!! She agrees that Fonzipan is the best site she has ever read, but sadly, I couldn't get the widget to embed. So all you get to do is gaze at her loveliness.

Do it Star Trek style and Trek Yourself HERE.

Happy Earth Day!

In honor of Earth Day, here's some energy-saving activities:

1. Instead of buying NEW gas, siphon gas out of your neighbor's vehicle. You'll also save the earth from harmful fumes- they can't drive their car, and you'll be running away, at least that trip.

2. Turn off your tv and act out your own episode of Lost. It's a special (read: clip show) tonight anyway.

3. Go to the bathroom with the lights off. Surely you've had some jokester in your life shut the lights off when you're doing your business. It's freaky in there- sure the mirror's there... but WHERE ARE YOU?

4. Light your night using only the soft blue glow of the Bunsen burners in your meth lab.

5. Cut the main power line to your neighbors' house. This may also prompt them to move (Big Bro? Sis in Law?)

I Am Clearly Not Taking The Art of Embroidery To Its Full Potential.

This is a series of embroidered handkerchiefs based on Craigslist Ads. I am posting them for obvious reasons.

See the rest of the series, plus some other examples here. Added extra special bonus kerchief... Marzipan reference. Holler! (I'm still totally right. Fondant covers cakes, Marzipan makes the little decorations.)