This App Is Already On My Phone.

I Swear I Don't Look for the Crazy. IT FINDS ME. Or: how the informal nature of social media has killed one's sense of propriety.

Wowza. Someone turned the dial all the way up to crazy last night. So... this story has hella long backstory, but it's worth it.

Anyway. I'm on the Twitter. I also like to eat lunch. So if you use key words in your Tweets (boobs wang penisy), people can find you and follow you. So there's a certain restaurant that started following me. It sounded good, so I went to get food from there. I had a little trouble finding the place, had to pass by a homeless dude masturbating TWICE to get there, but fuck it all, I was determined.

I got there, the guy behind the counter gave me a free cookie and a wink. My, how flattering!

Got back to the office, tweeted the Homeless Diddler story and Thanks for the Cookie to said restaurant.

Suddenly, I had a new follower! It's the cashier. Hey, no problem. Seemed nice. Seems nice in DM's (that's Direct Messages, for the Twitter uninitiated). We flirt via DM for a day or two over the weekend, because that's what the kids do nowadays.

Last night, the Twitter is all up in arms about how hot it is. Said restaurant is very excited about the heat. I am not, and decide to tell them so, which starts the DM frenzy with cashier guy again. The following is cut and pasted from my DM feed. Names and avatars have been deleted using my mad photo editing skillz to protect the pervy.

***BIRV YOGA BREAK***

Tick Tick

Tick tick tick

Tick Tick Tick Tick

BOOM

So. YEAH. I have a kitty in my pants and baby talk and free food is all it takes to get to see it. Meow.

I recognize that I could have ended the conversation sooner, and that this is what some may view as an utterly misguided attempt at flirtation (REALLY, though??). Here's the thing. You've probably read some of my previous posts, and most likely, you know me personally. I'm a robustly foul-mouthed girl, and I have ZERO problem with dirty talk, texts, photos multimedia, smoke signals blahhhhh potato. However, I usually like that sort of messaging to happen some time after the "So, do you like dogs?" level of conversation.  Or when our actual real life interaction is something more than me giving you my lunch order. 

Questions, yeah sure. I'll answer questions. I wear panties. I've had sex before. However, I can't remember what your face looks like. Let's not start dog-earing pages of the Kama Sutra just yet. 

PS, when you intimate that you're predicating our dating success on the answer I give to how many times I'll fuck you during a week, I lose faith in men as a species and crawl into bed and imagine that Neil Patrick Harris is straight and wouldn't ask me how wet my pussy gets before asking my last name.

Awesomely, as I've been cobbling this post together, "My Heart Will Go On" has been playing on the radio. Sheer fucking poetry, I tell you.

What Rock Have I Been Living Under?

Why have I not found this website before?? Normally, a blog about handsome men would be something that would practically be beamed into my subconscious upon its first entry, and I would wake from a dead sleep to find it. Somehow, this one missed my radar.

Go visit Swoonworthy. It'll make your day. I swear.

I know I'm supposed to give you a storytime post, BFF, and I want you to know I'm working on it, but I had to share this. I know you understand.

PS: That's Andrew Lincoln. I love him, and The Walking Dead, the zombie apocalypse show in which he is currently starring. I really need to get cable.

Screw You, R-Pattz... I've Totally Moved On.

BFF's friend Dave has had this as his profile pic on The Downfall of Society for a few days, and I have been so dumbfounded by it that I am just getting around to posting about it now.

Hello Sailor!!!!

I love True Blood anyway... but this cover cemented it. Love you, Alexander Skarsgard. Wow. I also don't mind you talking about how you like to be naked. Puts thoughts in a gal's mind.

Just showing why this show totally trumps Twilight (and we all know how I feel about Twilight). Notice I mentioned the SHOW, but not the books. They aren't...good. But hey, when Alan Ball gets his mitts on something, it's bound to be good.

Look how awesomely snarky he is in his interview:

"The idea of celibate vampires is ridiculous. To me, vampires are sex. I don't get a vampire story about abstinence."

And on alienating a core vampire fan-base: "I'm 53. I don't care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed."

Well said, sir!!! I couldn't agree more. Now I'm going to go grab a bottle of wine, my snuggie and have some private time with my Season 2 dvd's.

Is "Twi-Babies: The Animated Series" Cartoon Coming Next?

People.com's StyleWatch is showing us the true extent of Twi-fever... Barbie has now gotten a piece of the pie with Edward and Bella (she kind of just looks like a regular Barbie!) dolls, at $25 a pop, available November 1st. It's like action figures for goth kids! I do like that Ken... er... Edward has the sexhair, although it looks like it's just molded plastic. How are the kiddies going to run their grubby fingers through it?


Emo non-threatening undead love is also low-hanging fruit for Hallmark, who have a series of greeting cards covering all the important vampire holidays... Valentines Day, Halloween (!) and Birthdays.

E! Online shows the line here: please go take a look so you can see "Let's go trick or treating in Forks, Washington! I hear there's a lot of eye-candy there!"

I'll Give It Two Years Before You Totally Regret This.

I'll bet $50 this girl dreams of the day she meets Robert Pattinson, not realizing that instead of causing him to profess undying love, it causes him to get a restraining order.

Geekologie has a whole gallery of Twi-tats... check it out. It makes me really sad.