What Rock Have I Been Living Under?

Why have I not found this website before?? Normally, a blog about handsome men would be something that would practically be beamed into my subconscious upon its first entry, and I would wake from a dead sleep to find it. Somehow, this one missed my radar.

Go visit Swoonworthy. It'll make your day. I swear.

I know I'm supposed to give you a storytime post, BFF, and I want you to know I'm working on it, but I had to share this. I know you understand.

PS: That's Andrew Lincoln. I love him, and The Walking Dead, the zombie apocalypse show in which he is currently starring. I really need to get cable.

The Digital Version of Having Fun In a Paper Bag.

An illustrated transcript of a text conversation between BFF and I:

Birv: Blech. Sometimes I just wish I had someone that followed me around and gave me manly, reassuring hugs. I need one today!

BFF: Me too! Who would you hire?

Birv: Good question! Definitely someone older... for some reason this brand of hug needs to have some manly experience behind it. I'd vote either Jon Hamm or Nathan Fillion. You?



BFF: I love Nathan. But I got to go with my heart on this and say Scooby Douche. Those arms would pop a baby like a balloon.

(Scooby Douche is the one on the right. He is on Ghost Hunters. I do not know his actual name. BFF, despite vowing to marry him someday, doesn't either.) CORRECTION: Scooby Douche is on Ghost Adventures...(Not having cable, and knowing there are 700,000 paranormal shows on those reality channels, I was forced to choose one...mainly because I am lazy and opening a separate web page to Google the real name would just be so. much. work.) Cat-fish has become even more awesome in my eyes with her knowledge of the stupid crap that I fill my days with- thank you for making me not feel like a total loser by knowing who I am talking about!

Birv: I bet he smells like Calvin Klein Obsession and Strawberry protein smoothie.

BFF: Yes! And hair salon.

Birv: New game! What do our favorite men smell like? Alexander Skarsgaard. Go.

BFF: Leather! And musk. NPH!

Birv: White tic tacs, fresh baked bread and magic. Joel McHale!

BFF: Mmmmmm! Oatmeal, Abercrombie Woods and whiskey. Obama!

Birv: New books, bonfire and Irish Spring Soap. Puck!


BFF: Suntan lotion, pot and dollar bills. Seth MacFarlane.


Birv: New Car, Colgate and the faintest hint of Acqua di Gio. Joseph Gordon Levitt!

BFF: Spearmint Gum, Cedar and honeysuckle. He has a touch of girly something.

Birv: Agreed. A little something sweet!

BFF: Rick Moranis.


Birv: Old Spice, Coffee and vintage comic book. Bill Murray.

BFF: YES! Especially the coffee! Cold cream, cigarette enhanced tweed and wood shavings. RPatz.

Birv: Stale cigarettes, well-used shoes and laundry that's been left in the washer too long. Zachary Levi!
For the record, this photo is proof that nerds are hot. PHWOAR!

BFF: Aftershave, vanilla and Endust for electronics. George Clooney!

Birv: Espresso, rosemary and shoe polish. Conan O'Brien.

BFF: Polyester, TUMS and mashed potatoes.



It may be important to note that this went on for three solid hours and 154 texts before we realized we should probably really focus on work.

Join the game!

Screw You, R-Pattz... I've Totally Moved On.

BFF's friend Dave has had this as his profile pic on The Downfall of Society for a few days, and I have been so dumbfounded by it that I am just getting around to posting about it now.

Hello Sailor!!!!

I love True Blood anyway... but this cover cemented it. Love you, Alexander Skarsgard. Wow. I also don't mind you talking about how you like to be naked. Puts thoughts in a gal's mind.

Just showing why this show totally trumps Twilight (and we all know how I feel about Twilight). Notice I mentioned the SHOW, but not the books. They aren't...good. But hey, when Alan Ball gets his mitts on something, it's bound to be good.

Look how awesomely snarky he is in his interview:

"The idea of celibate vampires is ridiculous. To me, vampires are sex. I don't get a vampire story about abstinence."

And on alienating a core vampire fan-base: "I'm 53. I don't care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed."

Well said, sir!!! I couldn't agree more. Now I'm going to go grab a bottle of wine, my snuggie and have some private time with my Season 2 dvd's.

BFF and Birv Are TOTAL Trendsetters

Personally, I think our Twi-wear (above) is way cuter, but is it wrong of me to kind of want Nordstrom's Twilight-inspired jacket?

Personally, I think they could have done better (and classier) by expanding this idea; film-inspired clothes (perhaps that suit the super duper hot Edward cutout is wearing?), not "Team Edward" shirts undoubtably cheaper at (and better suited for) Hot Topic. Then again, the North Shore New Trier Twi-hards wouldn't be caught dead there.

Check out InStyle's preview of the line here: it hits stores in October.

ZOMG Could There Really Be a Renesmee On the Way?

According to Australia's New Weekly (because Australia has its thumb on the pulse of pop culture), Kristen Stewart got knocked up by Robert Pattinson.

An "insider" quoted by Australia's New Weekly says, "When [Stewart] worked out she was late, she obviously started to thinking that she could be pregnant. And because of the timing, she thinks Rob could be the father."
The gossip mag also reports she had a friend buy a home pregnancy test for her, and that she is "very nervous about the whole situation."

While there's a part of me that hopes they're getting it on like rabbits in a Sybaris... Australia is breaking this story? Really?

I love how they state that she thinks Rob could be the father... like she's the biggest slut to hit the streets since Jenna Jameson.

Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm late for my meeting with the Pope. He's marrying Bradley Cooper and I this weekend, after which Braddles and I will fly away on the wings of a pegasus to dine on raindrops and cotton candy at the top of a rainbow. Lots to plan! Kisses!


Via New York Daily News.

That Was... Predictable.

In a twist that surprises no one, Kimberley Vlaminck (that impulsive little imp with 56 stars on tattooed on her face) has now admitted that she was a damn dirty liar that blames other people for her problems.

According to the Daily Mail, Vlaminck told a Dutch TV crew that she adored the stars when she first got them, but her father was furious when he saw what his fool daughter did, so like any overprivileged teenager worth her salt, she lied to the world and got someone else in trouble. Get this girl into politics!!!

We're not upset at what you did, Kimberley, we're upset that you lied about it. Wow... did I just sound like my mother? I DID. Anyway, this prompted me to assemble a gallery of tattoos people will SURELY regret.

Not only do we have unicorns banging, one of them is smoking a cigarette. Class all the way!! I wonder if this is on a guy or a girl.

Who wouldn't want a picture of Toothless Mary and her appendix scar on their arm? What a way to give a shout-out to the town hooker.

Now, I love this movie. I do NOT, however, love it enough to immortalize it on my calf. It also took me several moments to realize that's not a brain at the bottom, but a tot.

That WoW stat bar will be "LVL Down" in 20 years time.

Actually, I love this one. I can't even think of how to describe how much I love LOL Jesus.

This is one of several variations I found on the "butthole" tattoo. Yes! Your belly button looks like a butt! Way to go... that's permanent.

Naked, bucktoothed Indian riding a corndog. Welp... if you're getting a stupid tattoo, you may as well go balls-out.

You may be, but your tattoo artist is not... "awsome".

That is serious dedication to the Frosty. I love me some Dunkin's, but I'm not getting "America Runs" needled into my ass.

I've Found a New Sport.

I need to figure out how to get to Norway by 2011, STAT. The last World Beard and Moustache Championship just finished over the Memorial Day weekend, and the next one isn't for 720 DAYS. The countdown begins now.

There are three main categories, Moustaches, Partial Beards and Full Beards... and there are sub categories in each (Partial Beard competition categories include the FuManchu and Alaskan Whaler). A lot of thought is put into each category:

"Discerning fans will notice that the categories are heavily weighted toward upper-lip hair, with fully eight of the categories featuring various forms of moustaches, although two of these categories (FuManchu and Musketeer) are included within the "partial beards" subdivision."

Any championship in which someone has a better beard than the guy above has to be an amazing spectator event. I dream of bringing bubblegum and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to these guys.

Visit the official website here.

Special thanks to PopWatch for brightening my first day back from vacation with this little gem, and for asking the most pertinent question: why isn't this on ESPN2?

This Brings a New Meaning to "China White"

Those drug cartels are getting creative!! According to the Daily Mail, 45 pounds of cocaine was compressed into a 42-piece china set and apprehended in Spain. My guess is that they aren't dishwasher safe.

On an separate addiction note... the Twilight dvd is in my possession!!! Feel free to come and watch. Give in to that embarrassing urge.

The extra features are short and lame... and all introduced by director Catherine Hardwicke, in the worst DVD marketing ever. Hello... who do we all want to look at? A wiggle-worm stoner in her 40's that never blinks, or Robert Pattinson?

That's a rhetorical question, by the way.PS ... this has to be my final Twilight post for a while. As I look through my posts for the last week... it's turned to a mild obsession that borders on cougar territory.

Tonight... Tonight... Won't Be Just Any Night....

Yes, frankly, tonight's Twilight release is just an excuse to post this picture. I promise I'll make up for this post a little later today. But for now, enjoy some junk food for your brain. mmmm... it tastes like Twizzlers.

Stephen King Quote Just an Excuse to Post Robert Pattinson Photo

Stephen King is a funny dude. No, not just funny looking! Stop that! In an interview with USA Weekend, King puts a definitive end to the "Twilight is the next Harry Potter" debate:

"Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people. ... The
real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer
can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good."

No way to sugarcoat that turd. He goes on:

"People are attracted by the stories, by the pace and in the case of Stephenie
Meyer, it’s very clear that she’s writing to a whole generation of girls and
opening up kind of a safe joining of love and sex in those books. It’s exciting
and it’s thrilling and it's not particularly threatening because they’re not
overtly sexual. A lot of the physical side of it is conveyed in things like the
vampire will touch her forearm or run a hand over skin, and she just flushes all
hot and cold. And for girls, that’s a shorthand for all the feelings that
they’re not ready to deal with yet."

Frankly, I think Stephen King is completely correct- Rowling and Meyer are nowhere NEAR the same league of writers- it's like comparing C.S. Lewis and R.L. Stine. However, since I think we ALL would much rather look at Robert Pattinson than Stephen King, who definitely has a face for writing, guess whose picture I'm posting?

Yums.

I ADORE Saying "I Told You So"

So as I prepare to escort another fine lady to the movie tomorrow, I'll say it now... after discussing Twilight's sweet, delicious brain candy for a few months now- certain members of my loyal reading public are coming to Birv to revel in the glory of suppressed Mormon housewifey wet-dream sexuality (and damned if movie Edward isn't fine... for all his Dr. Pepper Lipsmackers smile... phwoar).

Since I'm a classy broad, I will NEVER out you, as I said before. But I totally told you so. I'll even make you you're very own shirt.

You don't have to thank me- bask in the Twilighty goodness. If this is wrong, I don't want to be right.