Oh, They're Real.

Since I haven't changed a diaper since the 7th grade (8 years of nieces and my record holds strong) I found it necessary to look up brand names for diapers when conducting the very important business of insulting someone's youth (27 years old= babies!). Google blessed me with a hit on these Jean Diapers from Huggies.

On one hand, I get that we all used to have non-disposable diapers. Why not be creative with the fabric? On the other... baby jorts? Rednecky? Possibly. Non-absorbent? Definitely.

Truthfully, I can't tell from the description whether or not they're actually fabric, though they keep calling them denim:

Jeans have always been a Mommy fashion must-have, but now it's time for their little ones to steal the style. HUGGIES® gets fashion forward with new denim diaper design to help your baby stay trendy while keeping dry.

Very fashionable - for a limited time!
Denim has always been a summer style staple, and the HUGGIES® Jeans Diapers are no exception: this is a short-term offering to help little ones steal Mom's summer style. However, HUGGIES® Little Movers are on shelves before, during and after the Jeans products are available.

• A unique, fun and stylish way to make your little one the coolest and cutest around.
• Same proven leakage protection Moms have come to know and trust from HUGGIES® Little Movers Diapers.
• Shaped to move, featuring the same revolutionary design and technology as HUGGIES® Little Movers Diapers, allowing little ones to move, crawl and scoot.
  

Can you tell if they're actually denim? Do you question the diaper rash situation in non-breathable denim, coated with baby crap?

Time to Celebrate!

Today is World Toilet Day!! It sounds funnier than it is. It's actually a day to bring awareness to sanitation problems in Third World countries, blah blah blah.

However, I think we should celebrate our porcelain thrones the American way... binge drinking.

PS... this is the scariest toilet I have ever seen. I would hold it.

BFF Request!!

If BFF asks for something, I do it. So when BFF asked for a Storytime Countdown until I visit for New Moon, I was only happy to oblige. We're pretty funny, so I think everyone will enjoy it. If not, well, too bad. It's my blog and I'll post what I want.

Sooooo.... Storytime! We'll start at the beginning- the day BFF and I first met.

Imagine a tender, innocent Birv (Well. More innocent than I am now, anyway. Shut up! Why are you laughing?), her parents just having left after moving her into the dorm. My college fantasy of giggle-filled, slumber party nights with a popular, bouncy ponytailed, cheerleader-type roommate to bring me out of my cynical shell had just been dashed when my roommate Nancy showed up to our room (toting only two laundry bags of clothes and full-size fridge, by the by), and I honestly thought she was her brother. "Oh hey, you must be with Nancy. Aren't you a nice brother to bring that fridge up here?" "I AM Nancy." "oh...." (Not sure where my fantasy came from, as I knew that my alma mater was a gay haven from the college visit. My hag training started EARLY). Anyway, after a brief introduction, Nancy went off- and I'm not making any sort of stereotype joke, I swear to god it's true- to her very first softball practice, and I was left in my room alone.

Webster has some decent dorms- rather than have communal showers in the halls, the rooms are set up suite-style, with two rooms to a bathroom. Not to get overly familiar, but you know how when you're traveling, you're digestion gets a little... off? Well. The time comes for me. I gotta go. I had seen the blonde girl next door moving in with her parents, but, being too shy to do any more than wave, I hadn't spoken to her yet. But her door to the bathroom is open.

Seriously? This is my introduction? Awesome. But... I GOTTA GO. So I can either slam the door in her face without any explanation, or I can tell her why I'm closing the door. My thought process? How bitchy is that girl that just shut the door for no reason?! So the first words I ever speak to BFF are these: "I'm really sorry, and I want to make sure that you know that it's not because I don't want to get to know you, but I'm closing your bathroom door. Because, well, I have to go poop." (Yes, I'm a master of the overshare.)

The reason I know BFF and I were meant to be BFF's? Her response: "I'm so glad you're the first to poop here, because I didn't want it to have to be me!"

The Comfort Wipe: Because You're a Filthy, Filthy Creature.

Oh, it's real. Check out the Product Site.

I can't imagine that this is all that "ergonomic"... my buttcheeks aren't 4 inches apart. Perhaps that's one of those "disadvantages" of being a big person that dude is talking about? Anyway, you're going to have wedge that thing in there.

Also... what disability do you imagine that classy WASP having that requires her to have someone else wipe her ass?

Trials and Tribulations of Being a Woman.

For all the men that want to know why women go to the bathroom in pairs: please review the above flowchart. One needs a wingman in there- talking to someone in line, holding the door closed, getting toilet paper... holding the purse.

Is She...Really? Wait... What?

I have seen enough eye-scorching pictures of Amy Winehouse in the past few months to make me need a guide horse, so maybe I'm not seeing this right... please help me out here. Is...is she peeing? Does she have a penis?? Did she grow one while she's been on vacation? Is her new boy toy there (Joshua Bowman) that desperate to start a film career?

I'm confused, and a little frightened. This was not covered in Where Did I Come From.

Potty Humor is ALLLLWAYS Funny.

Big brother works in a very strange office. An office in which people, most specifically men (at least I hope you aren't hanging around in the ladies), apparently use the bathroom in pairs. He took this picture at one of his office satellite sites. The Love Toilet? WTF is going on here? This is a level of privacy with which I am most uncomfortable... particularly with my co-workers, who are some of the nastiest people in the northern hemisphere, if you judge by the 9th floor bathroom.

Which brings me to a point near and dear to my heart. It's time for a little bathroom etiquette.

1. If all stalls but one are open, do NOT sit in the stall directly next to the occupied stall.

2. Do not use your cell phone in the bathroom- some people don't want their ass-sighs broadcast to whomever your gabbing to.

3. Do not spit your gum on the floor of the bathroom.

The irony is that I watch the majority of the women that use this bathroom use paper towels to touch everything in the bathroom, including the door. It ain't elves making this mess, people. It's you. Nasty folks.