Do People Have Issues Opening Car Doors? (Besides Me?)

I have no idea the practical use of this, or why you would spend FORTY DOLLARS on it.

Random Story From Tuesday: In coming back from the Bros N Ho dinner (in which Birv goes to dinner with her two brothers), I paralell parked my car relatively near a young, short tree.

Since I had stopped by the grocery store on the way back, I had some items I needed to get from my passenger side. The tree's reach is longer than I thought, and I pretty much have to wrestle my way through low-hanging branches to get to the passenger door. Basically standing in the middle of this stupid tree, I open the car door, and move my head back. The tree, that I know is right there because I am standing in it, still somehow manages to startle me as I'm opening the door, and I jump and rapidly jerk my head forward... INTO THE CAR DOOR I'M OPENING.

With the amount of damage I do to myself on a daily basis, I thankfully no longer bruise easily, so there's no mark on my face, but I am slightly worried that my left side of my face still hurts.

Go Incognito, Itchy

Oh Etsy, you never cease to amaze me with your world of weirdness. This is probably one of the funniest knitted things I have ever seen. It looks oddly comforting, though I would probably break out in a hideous rash.

What do you say we all get one, and then start a posse? We could become Dr. Suess-like outlaws.

Buy your's here, in a variety of colors.

Look At You, Being All Crafty

I really love Christina Hendricks. We all know she is on Mad Men, one of my favorite shows of the moment. She was also in Joss Whedon's Firefly, which holds a special place in my heart, and makes her infinitely cooler. Much has been made of her goddess figure, and she is, whether she really wants to be or not, becoming the poster child for body acceptance, and the fashion industry allowing women to actually have hips and tits and not be forced to look like a 10 year old Asian boy. For this I thank her. Above all, she seems to accept this with grace, even though it has to become extremely irritating that anytime she is spoken about in an article it is about her body, and any adjectives used to describe her are not about her personality, but something akin to "The curvy star of Mad Men...blah blah blah". Her patience is far greater than mine.

Well now, she's just become about a billion times cooler. In a slightly manic daze of overconfidence in my own home-ec skills, I have recently decided that I am going to be a quilter. It turns out that Etsy.com is a really great place not only to find adorable and amazing finished crafts (and some other things), but some truly funky fabrics, and so I have been poring through Etsy for cute fabric like it's my job.

So today, I googled Etsy, and came across this little article in the Google News section about my new girlfriend from Today.com: Christina Hendricks is modeling scarves for her friend Tamara Mello on Etsy. COMEONHOWCOOLISTHAT?! My little crafting heart just went pitter patter. I wonder if she knits. I don't, but if she did, I would learn, so that if I ever met her, I could be like "hey, I knit too- want to come over and watch old movies and knit scarves together?" We could lounge in jammy pants and drink wine and eat too much whole-wheat pasta and talk about what Jon Hamm is like, and whether he really smells like cedar and fresh laundry (like he does in my mind).

Her friend's shop is Blackbird Design House, and it features all sorts of tasteful felted crafts. I actually don't understand felting. I have asked BFF (my crafting encyclopedia) about it a billion times, and I still don't understand how it works. Do you felt things onto things that are already knitted, like scarves? Do you just start with unwoven wool and punch it with a needle a billion times until it magically becomes a sweater? How do you make designs with it? Why would anyone want these felted soaps?

Screw You, R-Pattz... I've Totally Moved On.

BFF's friend Dave has had this as his profile pic on The Downfall of Society for a few days, and I have been so dumbfounded by it that I am just getting around to posting about it now.

Hello Sailor!!!!

I love True Blood anyway... but this cover cemented it. Love you, Alexander Skarsgard. Wow. I also don't mind you talking about how you like to be naked. Puts thoughts in a gal's mind.

Just showing why this show totally trumps Twilight (and we all know how I feel about Twilight). Notice I mentioned the SHOW, but not the books. They aren't...good. But hey, when Alan Ball gets his mitts on something, it's bound to be good.

Look how awesomely snarky he is in his interview:

"The idea of celibate vampires is ridiculous. To me, vampires are sex. I don't get a vampire story about abstinence."

And on alienating a core vampire fan-base: "I'm 53. I don't care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed."

Well said, sir!!! I couldn't agree more. Now I'm going to go grab a bottle of wine, my snuggie and have some private time with my Season 2 dvd's.

Your Career Is Like Watching Paint Dry

I'd understand this from Martha Stewart. Actually, I think she HAS a paint line. I think Cindy Crawford's furniture line is weird, though I don't find it hideous. There have been some successful "You're selling what, now?" spokeperson deals in the world.

But this... this is new. According to the Daily Mail, Claire Danes is a spokesperson for Valspar Paint. Bwahuh?

I like Claire Danes. She bears more than a passing resemblance to my friend Caitlin (always has, ever since My So-Called Life), I liked her in Shopgirl. She's nominated for an Emmy for a mini-series I've never seen about a woman I've never heard of; she got to celebrate in Rome, for god's sake! She had that whole teen alt-idol thing going (oh, Baz. I appreciate your Romeo & Juliet so much more now than I did when I was a surly teen), and she's married to this handsome, talented British guy:

So, with a stellar life like this, shouldn't she be representing something... I don't know... better? Oh right right... she does hock Latisse, that eyelash thing. Because her eyelashes are apparently a shameful body flaw she must correct. Short lashes! Fuck you, you're out of the biz, uggo!

...

Not better.

Or maybe she could've consider avoiding going the corporate route in the first place? She has Hollywood street cred. She's not a Kardashian (love Shoedazzle!).

Look at her, she's really hustling the stuff too:

I especially love the designer clothes and 4 inch stilettos- "why yes, I DO paint my house dressed like this! Paint never gets on me. I'm Claire Fucking Danes!"

It's as though you can see her really thinking- how the hell do I glamorize a PAINT BRUSH? It's sort of sad, in a weird, money-grubbing way.

Someone should talk to her publicist.

I'm Not a Suicide Bomber, I Just Look Like One When I Exercise.

It looks suspicious, right? And plenty stupid. But check it- celebrities use them too! Matthew McConaughey wears one, and Valerie Bertinelli, my Jenny Craig friend uses one too.

In case I haven't said it enough on this blog, I hate to run with the fiery intensity of 10,000 suns. But once you've exercised for a while, it loses some effectiveness when your body gets used to it. This is not something, as a non-exerciser, that I have ever learned. So... what to do? Turns out the answer is to put the weight you've already lost back on, and exercise like it's 1999 pounds. It makes sense- the more weight you carry around, the harder your body works to maintain it.

So I found this military nightmare online... the whole time singing a happy "I'M BRILLIANT!" song to myself as I ordered a 20 pounder. They had a 10 pound version, but I'm not a sissy.


At least, I didn't think I was...until it came in the mail. Turns out that 20 pounds is kinda heavy... especially when you have to carry it up 3 flights of stairs. It's also really heavy when you're dancing to David Bowie around your house, as I learned that night (Single Girls Living Alone... unite!). This was not a surprise to Sissy, who responded to my shocked text: "Duh... it's a WEIGHTED VEST."

Well... this didn't deter me. The first day I wore it out to walk was this Saturday, which was about as hot as sitting on the sun. Let me tell you, people, 98 degree days and a weighted vest DO NOT MIX.

Remember how I threw up all over the Hott Yoga studio's bathroom (and then ran away like a sorority girl at her first mixer)? IT HAPPENED AGAIN!! This time I was on the street. Luckily I was under the underpass... a seemingly common occurence there, so mine will just blend in. I was always shocked at the people on The Biggest Loser that horked...how can they work them that hard? That's torture! Turns out it's pretty easy to puke while you're exercising when it's hot.

I have a whole new respect for the military and police officers... my major line of defense would just be to run after someone long enough to feel nauseous, and hope I was close enough to puke ON them.

I own the thing now (and cleaned it), so I'll be trying it again... I'll let you know how it goes.

It's Coming Up On That Time Again...

Some people volunteer, some people craft, I watch TV. I also (unsurprisingly) live alone, which means I have sole control over my remote. So, like last year, as the fall season approaches, I have made my absurdly detailed chart of new and returning shows. Since I'm an ego-maniac, I figured that OF COURSE you would all like to see it too. Since I refuse to get cable, these are all network shows. (Next year's Alan Ball/HBO collaboration The Miraculous Year could reverse my views on paying through the nose for cable in a heartbeat. My boyfriend Lee Pace is in it, so, YES.)

Of course, the midseason replacements will screw this whole schedule up. Until then, here are my 100 words or less, totally subjective reasons for watching.

The new shows are highlighted in green (except for Chuck. Apparently I'm REALLY excited about it!):

Lone Star: Fox is promoting the hell out of this one... cute guy is a con artist with, according to the previews, a fake hot girlfriend and a fake hot rich wife. Drama ensues. Dad looks like he's going to blow the whistle. I look like I'll be watching.

The Event: Since Flashforward and Lost are both off the air, I need something to spark my conspiracy loving heart. Government cover-ups that the president doesn't know about? Count me in... add Jason Ritter and Blair Underwood to the cast and I'll definitely give it a chance.

Hawaii 5-0: Oh, I'm excited. Daniel Dae Kim from Lost (somewhat related- this guy has to be like, the mayor of Hawaii. Every show he shoots is down there!), Alex O'Loughlin, potentially shirtless (I did like Moonlight), Grace Park from Battlestar Galactica... this is a cop procedural I can get behind!

Mike & Molly: Monday's kind of suck for choices, don't they? I have a dual-tuner Tivo, so I can tape 2 things at once, and still, it's like Sophie's Choice. Mike & Molly looks horrible, but I like to know why I hate things, so I may tune in to check it out. In case you haven't heard anything about it, it's about 2 people that meet in a weight-loss support group. So rest assured, crass fat jokes are sure to abound. hooray. I doubt that a primetime network sitcom will have the approach that a show like Drop Dead Diva will have, so I am sure that it will just be an ugly show. However, I really like Melissa McCarthy, so I'm hoping that there's some hidden depth to this show.

Running Wilde: Mitchell Hurwitz, the developer of Arrested Development, together (again!) with Will Arnett. I actually sort of found Sit Down, Shut Up funny (I think I may have been the only one), so I'm definitely willing to give this a try. I mean, come on. I don't care if Will Arnett plays Gob Bluth in every single thing he does for the rest of his life, I'll tune in. Plus, I discovered that I really liked Keri Russell in Waitress, even though I thought Felicity was melodramatic and dumb.

Undercovers: So it's Mr & Mrs Smith for tv. It has JJ Abrams attached! He did the Star Trek reboot! AND LOST! Abrams has great success with action and tv (Alias), so I think this isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

Hellcats: Ummm.. CW teenybopper show about cheerleading. Need I say more? BFF will be pleased to note that Sharpay from High School Musical will be in it.

Shit My Dad Says: Yeah, I'll say the REAL title. William Shatner, who for some reason really reminds me of my dad, is in it. I love William Shatner (Rocket Man, anyone?). I find the Twitter funny. Sitcom? Probably will be stupid, but I'll give it a try, even though Thursdays at 7:00 are another infuriating traffic jam of awesome. Sorry Community and Vampire Diaries, I'll have to catch you online. again.

Body Of Proof: Well, Friday was kind of light. So why not try out a crime procedural? Dana Delany is in it, and I really liked her guest star turn on Castle- she was smart, witty, and worked well as an FBI agent. This time around she'll be a neurosurgeon turned medical examiner, but you know, dead bodies are dead bodies.

Blue Bloods: Another cop series. Apparently Americans LOOOOOVE their cop serials. Along with all the others that are returning, there are at least 7 more that are premiering this fall. But wait... this one has Donnie Wahlberg and Tom Selleck, my friends. Yeah, I thought you'd say that. Worth a look, right?

Outlaw: Supreme Court, Jimmy Smits, Jay Mohr (yay!)...I'm interested enough to tape it on a night where almost literally nothing else is on.


Top Picks:

Hawaii 5-0: I think Alex O'Laughlin may have found a show that will stick around for a while- nostalgia runs high for this show and people love cop shows. This may be a winner.

Undercovers: JJ Abrams is revered in the tv community, it seems, and for good reason. His shows are original, smart and flashy. Add two incredibly good looking stars, and this will probably have a good run.

Hellcats: CW never seems to give up on a show, and why would you? It looks stupid and fun.

Want to make your own overly-detailed and somewhat pathetic tv schedule yourself? Check out TVGuide.com for listings.