TOTALLY TOLD YOU SO.

You didn't think I'd let this pass us by, did you? This is the poster for Joaquin Phoenix's new "documentary" about his "lost year". I'm using "a lot of quotes" to show how little I believe that this was done for anything but an "experiment" in the lives of two bored actors. You know how those creative types get. Your fakery surprises no one!

According to Just Jared, the movie is coming out September 10... though with Casey Affleck's totally random sexual harrassment charges, could this be delayed? Only time will tell.

OH NOES!!!!! Celebrity Style

Kim Kardashian, after a hard day's...work? Yeah, we'll go with work.

Morrissey at the Coachella Festival... apparently the Grandaddy of EMO eats his feelings as much as I do...

My Amy... with a hella-giant burn on her leg from "cooking pasta" (read: meth lab mishap). Also, according to the Daily Mail, Amy is considering moving to St. Lucia in order to adopt some of the local children. All I can say is, if her house is made of gingerbread, run. RUN CHILDREN! BEFORE SHE FEEDS AGAIN!!

Is Anyone Else Wondering Whether They Aren't... STATUES?

Ah... to blog or not to blog about more celebrity mental illness. Apparently Lindsay Lohan was throwing eggs at paparazzi the other night, but blogging about her would be a 24/7 gig. Plus, does she really rate as a celebrity anymore? ZZZZING!!!!

Anyway, I figured reviewing the pedophilic statuary being auctioned off out of Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch would be more fun. From the Daily Mail:

Creep-tastic!!

Seriously... I think MJ had some kids bronzed.


OK... not all of it is creepy.

But most of it is.

Carousel Horse? meh. Check out the Zoltar machine in the background! Big!! HOLLA!

Is the little faun blowing a horn a metaphor?

Insert your own joke here... my brain has exploded.

Joaquin Phoenix: PCP and Being Heckled Just Don't Mix.

Feeling the sting of irrelevance since he hasn't been in the news for a few weeks, Joaquin Phoenix starting bringing crazy back at a show at the Fontainebleu Miami Beach Hotel last night, when he jumped in the crowd and confronted a dude he thought was/paid for heckling him, according to the Daily Mail:

"Several of those in the audience said they came just to see Phoenix, who kept them waiting for almost four hours.
A scruffy Phoenix finally came out on stage before 2am, smoking a cigarette and wearing a dishevelled dark suit, sneakers and taped-up sunglasses.Then he responded to someone who appeared to be heckling him in the audience near the stage.
'We have a (double-expletive) in the audience,' he said before jumping into the crowd.
It was not immediately clear whether the two men exchanged any blows.
'I saw the guy screaming at Joaquin, and Joaquin just came down,' said Jorge Lledo, 30, of Miami Beach.
He began rapping to a beat played by the DJ and nodding to the music, although most of the lyrics were unintelligible."

Who in the world came just to see Joaquin Phoenix? WHY WOULD YOU WAIT FOUR HOURS?? If you did, shame on you for being disappointed. Your idol is acting more and more like Dewey Cox every day... and if you are surprised and/or disillusioned by Grungy McShavesnomore up there, that's your own fault.

UPDATE: We have video, folks. Well, I think you do... after about :40 the footage appears to turn into a montage of some guy's front pocket.

Maybe It's the London Fog...

My dear Amy is back from her vacation and ready to resume her post as the mayor of Crazytown.

The Daily Mail reports that she provided some in-flight entertainment:

"Our source in the Club World section of BA2152 said the relative quiet on-board was shattered when Amy appeared from First Class, shouting incoherently and running up and down the aisles."

As you can see from the picture, she's also back in wig and eyeliner... what is it with manic episodes and hair care? Britney shaves her head, Joaquin resembles a Brillo pad, and Amy throws her mop on. I'm thinking I'm going to write a thesis on it. Groundbreaking stuff, I tell you!

Andy Kaufman You Are Not!

As Amy Winehouse is still off shooting up in a hotel room in St. Lucia and Britney Spears' dad is still crushing up her lithium and baking it into her food, Joaquin Phoenix remains insane for our entertainment purposes, and is promoting his new, "final" film, Two Lovers, co-starring Gwyneth Paltrow.

Phoenix appeared on The Tonight Show last night, and David Letterman seems clearly befuddled by Phoenix's homage to a weird mix of Bill Murray, Andy Kaufman and the guy who begs for change at the Irving Park exit of 90/94. I still don't get why people are laughing, but I suppose it's better than 10 minutes of a stony-faced audience. It's the same reason people laugh at funerals, I guess. I'm almost beginning to wonder if some of this absurdity stems from Phoenix just not wanting to promote this film...or wanting to, if you think that crazy press is good press. Just remember, JP, faking your own death is a crime, so think about that before you decide to end your "rapumentary" by overdosing on a mix of heroin and Thorazine.

Skip to about 8:29 to see Joaquin Phoenix start swearing at Paul Shaffer. Let this be a lesson: I would think twice about laughing at him... he may set the birds that live in his beard on you.

Christian Bale Realizes He's Douche, Apologizes.

I would be remiss if I didn't (steal this from The Superficial) give a follow up on the Christian Bale rant. What kind of blogger would I be?

What is going on with celebrities and the admissions of wrongdoing lately? Michael Phelps, Christian Bale, Tom Daschle... are we a kinder, gentler nation, that accepts people's faults? Or is it that living in a media-saturated, 24/7 news-stream, a 'video recorder is on your cell phone so you're always being watched' world, people of merit realize that there's just no use in denying what will inevitably be recorded? (Take note, Republicans... this may be where you're going wrong.)

According to E! News, Christian Bale called into a KROQ morning radio show to apologize... and truly, in a humble way:

"The thing that I really want to stress is I have no confusion whatsoever. I was out of order beyond belief. I was way out of order. I acted like a punk. I regret that.
"There is nobody that has heard that tape that is hit harder by it than me. I make no excuses for it. It is inexcusable. I hope that that is absolutely clear."

As for an explanation of what happened:

"I put so much into what I do and care so much about it and sometimes the enthusiasm just goes awry.
"I'm embarrassed by it. I ask everybody to sit down and ask themselves, have they ever had a bad day and have they ever lost their temper and really regretted it immensely."
"Feel free to make fun of me at my expense; I deserve it completely."

Mock we will... however I will say in his defense that I've had a bad day. I also want to discuss what Bale calls "enthusiasm"... clearly anyone who goes from this:

to this for a movie role puts a lot of unhealthy effort into his craft. It makes me wonder what we ask of actors, and the mindset that these people have. Can someone that does this fully function without a role to play? Did I just go way deep over my obsession with Hollywood crazies?

Pirate Lord Joaquin Phoenix Defends Career Change, Hopes to Drag Dermot Mulroney Down With the Ship

Blog bless the Captivate Network. You know...the tv's you find in your elevator. That little sucker tipped me off to a Phoenix Post update!! Good thing too, Amy Winehouse has been really quiet of late, despite having her home robbed. I'm hazarding a guess that she may be dead, but still walking around St. Lucia, Weekend At Bernie's style.

Munchbeard Phoenix recently spoke to a number of reporters regarding his career change to music, according to Rolling Stone. On being asked whether or not his bid for rap stardom was all just a weird ruse:

“I would say the people who said that this is all a hoax are clearly somebody
who is an old friend, or somebody that I worked with on music,” Phoenix
responded. “I’ve worked with a lot of people on music in the past, and often
times those things don’t work out. Sometimes you have some bad blood between
people, and that’s all that I imagine where it comes from.”

He is also hoping to create the new dance craze, classico-rap megafusion:

He also expressed an interest in getting actor Dermot Mulroney to guest on his
album (”He’s an amazing cellist”), which would officially be the weirdest cameo
in rap history. Phoenix thus far has 10 songs for his album, but admitted,
“Three of them I think are really good, including one called ‘Can I Get a
Refund?’ and one called ‘If You’re Going to San Francisco.’ The others I think
are pretty crap but I’ll work on them.”

I'm still calling shenanigans on his oddball behavior of late. As Rolling Stone also pointed out, this press conference was being filmed by Casey Affleck for the "rapumentary":

Keep in mind, though, that even Phoenix’s interview was filmed by two cameras,
including one that was being held by actor Casey Affleck, Phoenix’s
brother-in-law that is filming Joaquin’s pursuit of a rap career for a
documentary.

I'm not saying Grizzly Bill up there isn't crazy. I'm becoming increasingly convinced that one needs to be at least moderately chemically imbalanced to work in the film industry. *coughChristianBalecough* I just think that this entire thing smacks of artifice. Stay tuned. You know I'll be on top of it.

Christian Bale Has Anger Management Issues

This is very, VERY NSFW, if your boss has issues hearing the F Bomb being dropped 40 times in over 3 minutes. Apparently, last summer Christian Bale was feeling the creative groove on the set of Terminator: Salvation when the director of photography walked through the scene. Angry tantrums ensued. After careful consideration, I still think he's hot.

Link to the FoxNews story here... though you can listen to the rant above.

Not Quite Convincing Enough to Say I Told You So...

But it's pretty close. Joaquin Phoenix, shown above back when he had a face, reportedly told a nameless source that he's completely faking it for an artistic endeavour, according to Entertainment Weekly.

Either Phoenix is perpetrating an elaborate Andy Kaufman-style hoax (with an
assist from his friend and brother-in-law Casey Affleck, who's ostensibly
shooting a documentary about his career transition), or he's truly lost his
marbles. The truth, it seems, is closer to the former. "He said, 'It's a put-on.
I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going
to film it,'" says one source who recently worked with Phoenix.
Though
Phoenix's interest in music is sincere (he earned Oscar and Grammy nominations
for his turn as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line and has directed several music
videos), with this supposed career reboot he is evidently trying to both lampoon
pompous actors and punk the media that covers them. Whatever his motivation or
ultimate endgame, don't expect him to break character anytime soon. "It's an art
project for him," says a source. "He's going full out. He probably has told his
reps that he's quit acting. Joaquin is very smart. This is very conscious. He
has a huge degree of control."

On one hand, I am loathe to believe a nameless source, on the other, I love to be proven right. I also tend to believe Entertainment Weekly's gossip.

I look forward to the moment he announces the movie, and all the cheering toadies in the rap recording will claim to have been totally in on it.

Disturbing Celebrity Trend

I hate to think that I agree with Ashlee Simpson on ANYTHING. I mean it- if she said that we needed oxygen to survive, I'd try to think of a way to dispute it. However, I do grudgingly agree with what she said on her blog to support Jessica Simpson during the weight gain scandal of 2009:

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A
week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our
country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read
about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.All women come in
different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there
shouldn't be a different standard.Is this something you would say to your wife,
daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend?I seriously doubt it.How can we
expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we
criticize a size 2 figure?Now can we focus on the things that really
matter.

Well played, Milli Vanilli. I almost felt a kernel of respect for you... then I think of how you tried to trap the biggest douchebag to ever leave the midwest by pregnancy. Off it goes!

After further reading on The Superficial (love me!), I am beginning to question the new celebrity trend of using the recent inauguration to slam the morality of newsites and ragmags: Jessica Alba did the same thing on HER blog:

Hey Guys,Jay_eh here. I wanted to share with everyone in the ibeatyou and
MySpace communities my experiences at the inauguration last week, so I put
together a little video.Before I get to the video, I want to clear some things up that have been bothering me lately. I find it depressing that in the midst of perhaps the most salient time in our country's history, individuals are taking it upon themselves to encourage negativity and stupidity. Last week, Mr. Bill O'Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country.
I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are
inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people...it's so sad to me
that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland. Check out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweden_during_World_War_II if you want to see what I was referring to. I appreciate the name calling and the accurate reporting. Keep it up!!Now on to more important things...like our new President.

You're right. There ARE more important things going on in the world than whether or not you sounded like a complete moron by saying the correct but obscure "Sweden" instead of the pedestrian "Switzerland" cliche when discussing neutrality. Congratulations... you're a wealth of arcane knowledge of WWII political allegiance. However, let's get one thing straight. You are NOT a part of the vast expanse of important historic geopolitical events in the world.

Reality check, you vapid little wastelings- the insignificant details about your life (i.e. your weight, your nose jobs and your utter stupidity) are the only reasons you will ever BE newsworthy. No one respects your opinions because of your exceptional work in such weighty
films as The Love Guru and Good Luck Chuck, Alba. Let's not get the impression that just because you voted for Obama you're camped out on a moral high ground. You weren't the only one.

Be glad that someone finds you even remotely interesting enough to give you work, keep your mouths shut, and be thankful for the opportunity.

Joaquin Phoenix Is Totally Faking It.

We have a runner up to the Winehouse Watch- the Phoenix Post. Catchy, eh? I love me some alliteration!

I know Joaquin Phoenix's hobo rap is a few days old, but you know, I'll post when I darn well feel like it.

Personally, I think Phoenix's crazy heroin addict downward spiral is a ruse of some sort... he is being followed around by his brother-in-law Casey Affleck for a "documentary" during his "retirement", and I have to think that this is all leading up to something, especially considering he keeps showing up at publicity functions... AND THEY KEEP LETTING HIM IN. Plus, if you were is brother-in-law, wouldn't you stage an intervention, rather than recording his antics for posterity? I mean, Casey Affleck has kids with Phoenix's sister.

So my theory: either Joaquin Phoenix is completely faking it, or this guy will eventually explode in a flurry of beard hair and old shoes. Either way, Birv is on the case.

Drunken rapping and JP taking a header below. Fall occurs around 2:01. I love watching the sycophants cheering this dude's apparent insanity.

There's My Amy!!

THAT'S the Amy Winehouse I know and love. According to the source for All Things Amy Daily Mail, Legitimate Actor (media whore) Josh Bowman has returned to England, and my girl is back- stealing drinks from other hotel guest's tables and throwing drinks on newlyweds. Phew!!! Life is back to normal.

Sidebar: What the hell happened to Boy George?

What the Hell Happened to Joaquin Phoenix?

P.Diddy looks TERRIFIED in this picture. Frankly I don't blame him, Joaquin Phoenix looks like he's a step away from carving a swastika between his eyebrows and screaming "I'M CHARLIE MANSON! I'M CHARLIE MANSON!" in his face.