News Flash: You're Old.

Seriously. Who watches wrestling? Who watches old dudes wrestling? There's apparently some people that think this fight was real, but I call shenanigans, as Hulk Hogan (age 56) and Ric Flair (age 60... 60!!!! THAT'S MY DAD'S AGE) have wrestled before...in 1994... and apparently Ric Flair is coming out of retirement. How do I know all this, do you ask? No. I don't watch wrestling. Wikipedia, my friends!

Twilight Has Officially Taken Over the World.

No, I'm not joking. Here's the website. Truthfully, I can't think of what would be worse than to be trapped on a boat with a bunch of Twi-hards and an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. ("Since we humans still enjoy eating, the chefs will be working around the clock preparing your favorite foods and this is included in your cruise fare! So is 24 hour room service!")

Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, be prepared to be inundated with questions about Robert Pattinson... that's pretty much going to be what takes up the 8 days that you will be huddled in your room with no exit and a screaming horde of Tiger Beaters that seem unable to type in anything but exclamation points:

"Wait Till You See Where You Will Be Going!!Your Alaskan Explorer cruise begins in Seattle. (Yikes! Hopefully there won't be any "newborns" there)! We sail from Seattle to Glacier Bay - one of Alaska's most beautiful glacier regions where you can watch Glaciers "calve" in front of your very eyes... totally awesome!"

Via con Dios, kids. I'll be happy to watch my dvd in my living room with no lights on and the sound really low so no one can tell I'm watching it for the fortieth time.

Dancing Thursday's Triumphant Return!

I alternate between loving this (that guy's dancing!!) and bemusement at the reality that humans are mostly sheep. I especially love the people that rush over to be joiners AFTER THE SONG IS OVER.

Since this one makes me feel a little dirty inside for posting it, I have to also post my favorite dance from last year's So You Think You Can Dance... the actual dance starts at 1:19, and made me squeal with delight and text BFF: "BOLLYWOOD! THEY'RE DOING BOLLYWOOD!" PS... they pick the new top 20 tonight!! SPOILERS AFTER THE VIDEO...

I am at a total loss for who they're going to pick, most of my favorites from this tryout season were cut (some shockingly! Natalie?! WTF), so I don't even know who to root for.

Inevitability Just Smacked You In the Face.

It's a parody, y'all!!! But let's be honest... they are starting to run out of beloved memories for the 25-32 target demographic, especially boy toys.

The Smurfs are getting a movie, I'm hoping it's only a matter of time before Rainbow Brite sees some action. (Just think of the gay following you could have!!)

This was sort of entertaining... though frankly, it could have been funnier. Still worth a watch, if you played with My Little Ponies.

OH NOES!!!!! Celebrity Style

Kim Kardashian, after a hard day's...work? Yeah, we'll go with work.

Morrissey at the Coachella Festival... apparently the Grandaddy of EMO eats his feelings as much as I do...

My Amy... with a hella-giant burn on her leg from "cooking pasta" (read: meth lab mishap). Also, according to the Daily Mail, Amy is considering moving to St. Lucia in order to adopt some of the local children. All I can say is, if her house is made of gingerbread, run. RUN CHILDREN! BEFORE SHE FEEDS AGAIN!!

Upperclass America Takes It's Love of Fleece Too Far.

Fleece... the first choice in outerwear by upper-class white people. Behold the Peekaru, the fleece to keep baby warm on those long treks to your BMW X5.

Because what do upper-class people like to do more than anything else? Flaunt their spawn and ability to find love with their homogenous-looking spouses in front of the general population, getting as close as possible to carrying a banner that says "WE FUCK!!", without actually having the banner. Because apparently that would be tackier than the "Smitten", mittens for lovers.

I know it's difficult, choosing between your love of fleece and love for your spouse... but now you don't have to. You can shamelessly flaunt both with sweaty palm hand-holding in the tandem mitten: "My nose itches!" "Awwww I'll scratch it for you, poopsie!!" *HORF*

Where can one pick up the Smitten? Restoration Hardware, where apparently it was so popular that they are currently sold out.

Thanks to Sis in Law for the Peekaru tip, and I'll do you one better:

Photoshops courtesy of Emptees, via Geekologie. Natch.

O Captain My Captain... What Have You Gotten Yourself Into?

It's painful when you really like an actor, and see him in something that's less than he deserves. Such is the case with Nathan Fillion in Castle...ABC's new crime procedural (!) on Monday nights.

Castle is just like every other cop show on TV... except it's so badly written. So, SO badly written. Nathan Fillion stars as Rick Castle, a James Patterson-style mystery author, filled with boredom for his rock-star lifestyle- signing women's breasts, golf buddies with mayors and judges. His boredom is leeching his creativity, and he gets writer's block (we know this because of one sentence in last week's pilot), but finds that his creativity abounds in meeting Kate Beckett (Stana Katic), a tough NYPD detective with a hidden past (we know this because of one sentence in last week's pilot too) when a serial killer starts copycatting the murders of Castle's novels. There's also a hint of sexual tension between the two... *wink wink*. We know THAT because of one sentence in last week's pilot. Get where I'm going here?

Fillion is and has always been charming (who else could play Captain Hammer? Malcolm Reynolds? That dude in Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place? yeah... I watched it) and it is him and him alone that has me watching this show at all. Sadly, after two episodes, I'm not sure it's enough- the murders the police are solving are trite (nanny kills other nanny over affair with the musician dad who's sleeping with both? please), the banter between Fillion and Katic is pathetically one sided, and I'm continually re-writing the dialogue in my head to make it more interesting. Fillion is in nearly every scene, and he is working so hard to engage the other actors that he looks a little manic. The best scenes in the shows so far have been between Fillion and his tv family- an aging stage starlet (Susan Sullivan) and his too-together daughter (Molly C. Quinn). The three have a sweet chemistry and play off each other in a familiar and real way.

I really want Castle to work... not just because of my affection for Nathan Fillion...but also because I want ABC to restore my faith after pulling my precious Pushing Daisies. Yeah, I still haven't gotten over it. Sadly, I think this show is a little TOO precious for its own good. A superfamous WRITER? With GROUPIES? Does anyone know a writer like that?

Anyone? No? Ok.

I Really Need to Start Watching Golf

Henrik Stenson in Florida (!) during the opening round of the WGC-CA Championship. Stenson stripped to his skivvies on his CADDIE'S ADVICE, who is evidently the most convincing woman in the world: "Oh, you don't want to get mud on your clothes. Take the shot in your underwear. Tell you what, I'll help clean you up!" Get that woman to talk to Robert Pattinson, and I'll give her a medal.

Sidenote: where does one apply to become a caddie? I could hack it.

Found this on the Daily Mail. Naturally.

Rick Astley Writing a Musical, Apparently Not About Being an Interwebs Sensation.

Apparently, being married to a movie producer qualifies you as a successful screenwriter. Or at the very least guarantees you a greenlight.

The Guardian reports:

"My wife's now a movie producer so I read a lot of scripts and I'm really
passionate about films," Astley said in a recent interview. "One day I thought,
'Well, why don't I write one?' And it turned into a musical – but not for the
stage."

New York Cowboy (sounds oddly familiar) is about a small-town boy who moves to New York City in the 80's. Sounds pretty dull, so I'm hoping that halfway through the movie the audience hears those familiar dulcet tones... never gonna give you up... never gonna let you down...

Well... Paul Blart: Mall Cop IS the # 1 Movie...

So I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised that Howie Do It's audience appears to be filmed in front of THOUSANDS of uproariously laughing people. Seriously, it's like they sold out the United Center.

Here's the deal. I watched, understood, didn't laugh and turned off Howie Do It in about 5 minutes last night. Trust me, the promo commercials are more than enough time to devote to this show.

The show tries to make it plain that this isn't your Deal Or No Deal, audience-friendly, "I'm a germophobe" Howie Mandel. Oh no. This is a gritty, PG-13, FRIDAY NIGHT Howie Mandel. Apparently, the pranks are shown on a giant screen between Blue Man Group-style, drum-heavy rock instrumentals and Howie Mandel's... erm...stand up act. The joke I heard was riffed off of what is clearly an audience plant: "Do you try out these pranks on your family?" "No, my wife is the prankster in our family. She told me told me two of our children were mine." guffaw.

With comedy gold like that, it's unsurprising that Howie makes several title references: "take a look and see us show Dez ...howie do it". BA-ZZZING! We have a title.

The prank I watched was a wife bringing her unsuspecting husband Dez (that truthfully seemed like he was totally in on the act) to be taped on a daytime talk show, and is lead to believe his marriage is on the rocks. The whole audience is filled with ACTORS! Apparently they could only find about 8 actors to take the audience gig... the whole thing looks like it was filmed in my neighbor's garage. If that didn't tip hubby off, you would think his snickering wife would. So basically they lead this guy on for about 2 minutes that his wife thinks he's a controlling ass, because he jokes about her missing curfew, and reads her emails (actually does kind of sound controlling to me, but whatever). Then they let him in on it; "I have to tell you, you're on Howie Do It". Somehow, he knows what this show is, even though it's on it's first season, and gives the appropriate "OMG you got me" face. IT'S FUNNY!! BAHODEYDODEYDO! Crowd filmed laughing. Rocking back and forth in their seats laughing. I am stony-faced.


Before I shut off the show to watch Ghost Whisperer (really, my standards for entertainment aren't that high...so believe that Howie Do It sucks big donkey balls), they show a "coming up next on Howie Do It" preview of the next prank, that shows an unsuspecting amusement park visitor being led through a new ride by a poorly disguised Howie Mandel. That's him in the picture above. I know you're shocked: but really, it's Howie Mandel.

Anyway, the "ride" appears to consist of a cup of water being poured on the guy and Incognito Howie and another dude take him by the arms and spin him around. I mean, really? Who DOESN'T see through this? On that topic, who doesn't recognize Howie Mandel, just because he's wearing a wig? This whole show reminds me of the Arrested Development episode when George Michael keeps prank calling his dad.

I think I'm going to have to boycott the "fist bump" due to this show.

If you think I'm lying about how gaggingly abominable this show is, take a look here.

New TV! Wait... No. It's Just Like Everything Else.

I now have a crime procedural for every day of the week. That's...exciting. However, I love Tim Roth, have since Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (check it out- made of awesome), and so I felt obligated to give Lie to Me a try.

Lie to Me, Fox's new hour long crime drama based on a real dude (Dr. Paul Ekman), focuses on a crack team of "lie experts" that review body language to expose lies in criminal investigations.

It's mildly interesting, and I guarantee you everyone that watches this show will be testing out their brand new body language reading skills on their pals. The show is fairly unoriginal- senatorial sex scandals and teachers sleeping with students. However, last night was just the pilot, and I like to give new shows a few weeks to get their footing, so I'll continue to watch for the time being. It's just unfortunate that network tv is so in love with formulaic crime dramas and "average Joe" competitions... after a while they all run together. Lie to Me is no exception.

Loyal Blog Reader Also Beth asked me to review Howie Do It... that new Howie Mandel show, now that Deal or No Deal has blessedly gone to that great syndicated spot in the sky. I have to admit I haven't yet watched it, as I am completely perplexed by candid camera shows. Why are people so gullible? Who would think that someone would ACTUALLY send a singing telegram to a funeral? Why is the laugh track so painful? Why does Howie Do It have such a stupid title? Also Beth is as perplexed as I, and as a dutiful TV loser, I fully intend to watch and report. As soon as I figure out when it's on. Knowing America, it'll soon be on 5 nights a week and twice on Tuesdays, particularly if there is a monetary prize to be had. Stay tuned, Also Beth. Stay tuned. All will be explained.

Birv Does NOT Love the 80's.

That's not entirely true... I loved the 80's when I lived them... IN THE 80's. However, there are certain unfortunate fashion trends that are being recycled. I'm not ok with it. Member's Only jackets? They're back.


Trolling through my January 2009 J Crew catalog, I came across a layout that had instructions for pinch rolling your jeans. This picture is on their website... RIGHT NOW.

What's next, the Suburban Claw?

The only trend I'll be rocking is slap bracelets, because I live for danger. Tetanus? Lockjaw? Bring it on. Screw those rubber bracelets, I'll be supporting my empty cause via strips of rusty steel.

Update: apparently you can still get slap bracelets... these religious-themed bracelets really can give the nuns a twofer, methinks: Jesus in your heart AND slapping your wrist. You can buy these by the dozen, so let me know if you want one, I'll totally hook you up.

BFF... party favors for the group trip to the Creation Museum? They may help us with our cover.

Oscar-worthy You Are NOT.

I usually regard winter as the "Classy Movie" season, and I know I'm hardly the only one. We have all sorts of Oscar-bait floating around, Slumdog Millionaire, Rachel At the Wedding, Reservation Road, Doubt... films to make you think, films you can go see and make you seem totally smart when you talk about them at work the next day.

Then I go to IMDB.com, and see a group of trailers for the most ridiculous sounding movies I have ever heard. Seriously- I watch a lot of stupid crap, but these sound so... SO dumb. I've included the synopses below... I want to believe that you can blame how mind-numbingly stupid these movies sound on the complexity of trying to explain a movie in a few sentences, but sadly, I don't think so.

I Love You, Man: Friendless Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd) goes on a series of man-dates to find a Best Man for his wedding. But when his insta-bond his new B.F.F.(Jason Segel) puts a strain on his relationship with his fiancée (Rashida Jones) can the trio learn to live happily ever after?

The Ugly Truth: A macho morning TV show correspondent (Gerard Butler) makes a bet with his romantically challenged producer (Katherine Heigl): If his tips on how to land and keep a guy don't work, he'll quit the business.

The Proposal: A pushy boss (Sandra Bullock) forces her young assistant (Ryan Reynolds) to marry her in order to keep her Visa status in the U.S. and avoid deportation to Canada.