I Don't Care About Pedophiles... I Just Want to See the Clothes On a Grownup

 Meet the January cover girl of French Vogue, y'all!

Hot, right??

Getting a good sense of what these clothes might look like on you?

What's that? You're not?  Oh, that's because SHE'S TEN YEARS OLD. Yeah.... 10. One year older than my niece, who is just reading Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. Who thinks that adding some variant of  "poop" and "pee" to every single line on a Mad Libs is the height of humor (she may not be wrong there).

Found this on the Daily Mail, who, I'm sure, is positively giddy over the outrage it's causing. Yes, they are incredibly sexualized photos. Yes, I am horrified that the picture just above has her in a top cut so low that I wouldn't dare wear on the sluttiest night of the year Halloween.  Yes, this is the same type of photography that gets Chris Hansen in a tizzy.

But let's put aside the whole "this is the epitome of all that's wrong in this sad, fucked up little world of ours" thing and focus on my immediate thought, since I'm neither a pedophile nor a parent:  Can I open just one goddamned magazine and see clothes on someone that has at least graduated high school?

I'm not asking for much here. Really. Fuck fat models. Screw models over 25 (HAGS! ALL OF YOU!). Right now, I'd settle for someone that at least could drive to the photo shoot themselves:

Below is 15 year old Hailee Steinfeld, Mattie Ross in last year's True Grit. Stunning portrayal of a child looking for vengeance for her father's death. Now, she's the face of Miu Miu.

13 year old Elle Fanning! Dakota's tyke sister, and also the model for Marc by Marc Jacobs' fall/winter line.

She'd be a great model, if I were looking for something to wear on my first day of freshman year. BUT I'M NOT.  I'm a grown damned woman, looking to purchase clothes that I can wear to my job, that I can work without having to enforce Child Labor Laws.

Fashion designers, magazine editors, I implore you, on behalf of women everywhere... please. PLEASE. This isn't avant garde (clearly, since you aren't the only one doing it), this isn't edgy. This is just... stupid. Cast some models who's list of craziest nights don't include "that time when mom let me stay up past 10:30 to wait for Santa."

Yikes... Know When to Give Up

According to the Daily Mail, this woman, Jenny Brown, is trying to have a baby through invitro fertilization. She's 72. So when her kid is heading off to college, she'll be NINETY YEARS OLD.

Guess she's trying to give Madonna a run for her money as scariest bat-winged dusty mummy monster mother. ZING!

Twilight Has Officially Taken Over the World.

No, I'm not joking. Here's the website. Truthfully, I can't think of what would be worse than to be trapped on a boat with a bunch of Twi-hards and an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. ("Since we humans still enjoy eating, the chefs will be working around the clock preparing your favorite foods and this is included in your cruise fare! So is 24 hour room service!")

Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, be prepared to be inundated with questions about Robert Pattinson... that's pretty much going to be what takes up the 8 days that you will be huddled in your room with no exit and a screaming horde of Tiger Beaters that seem unable to type in anything but exclamation points:

"Wait Till You See Where You Will Be Going!!Your Alaskan Explorer cruise begins in Seattle. (Yikes! Hopefully there won't be any "newborns" there)! We sail from Seattle to Glacier Bay - one of Alaska's most beautiful glacier regions where you can watch Glaciers "calve" in front of your very eyes... totally awesome!"

Via con Dios, kids. I'll be happy to watch my dvd in my living room with no lights on and the sound really low so no one can tell I'm watching it for the fortieth time.

A Creepy Tribute

Watch a lot of mid-morning television? Have $149 you want to throw in the toilet? Really dig porcelain figurines? Trying to figure out SOME WAY to prove your love for the First Lady? Look no more. The Danbury Mint will solve all of these conundrums in one fell swoop, with the Michelle Obama Inaugural Doll.

Standing at 16 inches and fully poseable (though those arms will look weird doing anything else), Michelle will be a lovely addition to your dust-collecting group of eerily realistic dolls. If you want this, I will bet that you have a Princess Diana Engagement Plate laying around somewhere in your home.

The Comfort Wipe: Because You're a Filthy, Filthy Creature.

Oh, it's real. Check out the Product Site.

I can't imagine that this is all that "ergonomic"... my buttcheeks aren't 4 inches apart. Perhaps that's one of those "disadvantages" of being a big person that dude is talking about? Anyway, you're going to have wedge that thing in there.

Also... what disability do you imagine that classy WASP having that requires her to have someone else wipe her ass?

That's a Weirdly Specific Job.

Remember how I was all upset about House and what will heretofore be known as "That Stupid Suicide Episode" yesterday? No? Let me recap.

Fox touted Monday's show as "the one episode that comes along every season that BLOWS YOUR MIND." I hate when networks advertise like this. Do people really fall for it? It's as bad as when every single Law & Order was "RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES".

So anyway, one of the new doctors randomly shot himself. At the end of the episode there was a Public Service Announcement type message "if you are considering suicide, call this number", which is frankly, completely un-House. It could only have been made worse if they made Hugh Laurie narrate it. Actually, I hope they asked and he told them to pound sand.

Making it even worse... the House website has an honest to god memorial to the character. Not the actor, the character. Obviously, House watchers are drooling simpletons that can't distinguish between reality and television.

Way to go, Fox. It's situations like this that cause fairy godmothers to curse children.

ANYWAY...apparently there was a need to get Kumar off the show rather sharpish, because he's joining the Obama Administration. NPR reports:

Actor Kal Penn has been named to an Obama administration liaison post that connects the Executive Branch to people in the entertainment industry and Asian-Pacific groups. Penn is best known for his portrayal of Kumar in the stoner films Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle and Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. He was most recently in the Fox TV drama House.

So I guess kudos to him... because clearly, this is a man that should hold office.

Why Not?

These aren't photoshopped. I can't decide if I would rather they were, or to know that the stylist spent FOUR HOURS of his life on each horse.

According to the Daily Mail, it's all advertising photographer Julian Wolkenstein's fault:

Julian hit on the idea of experimenting with horses' hair during a chat with a fellow advertising pal.
'The idea for these images came from a discussion with a friend who said, 'Hey wouldn't it be fun to shoot horses with big hair?',' says Sydney-born Julian, 36.
'It is important to do personal projects just for fun, not to sell anything, but just to remind you why you make images, but mostly, and simply, to make you smile.'

I'm hoping there's more than three... humor comes in numbers here.

Show Us Your... OBAMA?!

This was going to be an punditwear post, but then I got to looking at the other types of beads that the MardiGrasOutlet has, and I figured that this is "best of" worthy.

U.S.A. LOVE IT!!! Love it...

Tricky Dick? Gang sign? Pirate?

Sushi. It's sushi!!!! With an elegant touch of pearls between.

I honestly think the hula dolphins are my favorite. Something about a sea-based mammal in a bra...

This tiger is leering so filthily I don't even want to search in his pot o' gold.

La cucaracha...

Who puts boobs on a frog? Why is this erotic?

Random Thought...

What's the deal with the sweater vest? Your chest is cold, but your arms are fine? Do you need a fuller range of motion from which you are inhibited by sleeves?

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike the look, but how did the sweater vest evolve?

Seriously...What Is Wrong With People In Florida?

A woman in Florida called 911 three times, after being told that her McDonald's ran out of McNuggets today, according to the Chicago Tribune:

"According to a police report, 27-year-old Fort Pierce resident Latreasa L. Goodman told authorities she paid for a 10-piece last week but was later informed the restaurant had run out.She says employees refused to give her a refund, saying all sales were final. A cashier told police she offered Goodman a larger portion of different food for the same price, but Goodman became irate."

By the way, does this say she paid for these nuggets LAST WEEK?! WTF? I can't tell if that's just shoddy grammar and the event happened last week, or if she paid last week and is claiming her nuggets today.

In Latreasa's defense, I can see a certain loyal Fonzipan reader (who shall go nameless) getting this upset if someone gets between her and her fried gizzards at Brown's Chicken. I made that mistake once. I now type with one hand.

EDIT: The 911 calls. Blog bless Youtube.